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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners ex keeps getting in contact since finding out I’m pregnant

98 replies

Mamatobe83 · 20/12/2018 07:00

I wanted a bit of advice on here please.

I am pregnant with my first child with my partner. His ex girlfriend of 6 years requested to follow me on Instagram before I was pregnant. We have mutual friends in common, she has a partner and a little boy so I thought nothing of it and followed her back. I spoke to my partner who has not spoken or seen her in 2 years and he also thought it would be harmless. Their split was amicable and was due to her wanting to start a family and him realising she wasn’t who he wanted to be with to do that.

She found out from a mutual friend of ours that I am pregnant, prior to me posting anything on social media to announce this, and emailed my partner telling him how happy she was about the news and reminisced about times when they were together. I felt quite angry about this email as she doesn’t know me, or my partner anymore, and whilst it may come from a place of kindness I felt it was inappropriate, especially when I hadn’t told close friends about it.

I received a message from her a few months later stating that she had bought the baby some gifts and could she come round and give them to me. I have never met her and I now live in the house she previously lived in with my partner. My partner is not comfortable with her coming round and I definitely couldn’t think of anything more awkward. I politely declined stating we were busy. We then received the very generous gifts from our mutual friend and I sent a polite thank you.

Since then she has sent me links via Instagram to things she thinks I might like and comments on my posts. We recently started to receive post for her even though she moved out 6 years ago and she has emailed my partner asking to come round and collect it. He replied stating that he will drop it off at a friend who lives nearby.

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid about the above but I’m unsure as to why she keeps trying to be involved in our lives and why she apparently wants to come to the house. Part of me thinks she’s had things delivered here on purpose so she can keep getting in touch with us. Especially as we have not previously had anything. Everytime she gets in touch it makes me feel stressed and we have to talk about a woman who isn’t even part of either of our lives. I just want to focus on the upcoming new arrival and us but don’t know how to go about stopping this intrusion into our lives without seeming mean. Any advice greatly appreciated.

P.S I find it hard not to think about things a lot despite trying to ignore them. So that is not really an option.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 22/12/2018 05:02

I don't think I'd have accepted her initial contact/friend request in the first place. It could never really have been anything other than weird/awkward. I'm sure she's just smarting a bit in a "why did he have children with her but not me" sort of way, but she's crossing the line. I think that your partner, gently but firmly, needs to tell her it was nice to hear that she's ok, but he has moved on and finds it weird that she's pushing back into your lives.

Original poster

Mamatobe83 · 22/12/2018 09:43

I do wish I hadn’t accepted the friend request, it’s so much easier to leave something pending than it is to block someone! But I honestly thought it was harmless and given the time passed that nothing would come from it. I have learnt my lesson!

Our mutual friend is a friend of my OH who I see for coffee etc. She doesn’t see her a huge amount and did apologise for mentioning it after my partner received the email, it was awkward for her and she didn’t know it would provoke that reaction.

We returned the last parcel that had come for her yesterday and she has said she’s changed all addresses now. Both of us are anxious whenever the post comes though! Im hoping that’s the end of it but I will update on here if she gets in touch again. My OH was very blunt in his email so I hope she gets the message. Thanks again for your help!

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 22/12/2018 10:33

I would suggest a conversation with your DP about what he said when they broke up and any subsequent contact. Sometimes these situations arise because there is ongoing contact.

TheDarkPassenger · 22/12/2018 10:43

Is it Emily blunt?

Seriously though I think you’ve got the right idea here, ‘block’ her from your life in general, not just social media. There’s absolutely no reason for you and her to be friends or even acquaintances. It would be different if they had a child together, though

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/12/2018 10:45

Agree with PPs. Seems like she's become slightly obsessed because your DP has chosen to have a baby with you and not her. She's likely fixated because things in her own life aren't going so well (although outwardly things might seem ok).

Take her off your social media, return post to sender, and just don't engage.

mogratpineapple · 22/12/2018 12:55

I've seen similar things to this before. It's as if the ex really has a thing about their exes moving on. But it's weird, not right and she should be cut from your life before it turns even weirder.

Original poster

Mamatobe83 · 27/04/2019 06:28

I wanted to post an update, she has attempted to reach out a couple of times since our son was born but nothing too weird. But she emailed my partner yesterday to tell him she and her family are moving in over the road from us, literally opposite us, and that she hoped this wasn’t ‘offensive’ to us. I honestly can’t believe it. Safe to say we let our feelings known about the situation.

OP posts:

PirateWeasel · 27/04/2019 06:38

Oh that's got to be annoying. She sounds very over invested in your and your DP. And incredibly arrogant to send your DP a message saying how sorry she was that she'd started a family with someone else, when it was your DP who made the choice to part ways. That to me sounds like she was trying to rub his face in the fact that she'd moved on and got what she wanted from someone else. Is she the passive aggressive type generally? What does your DP say about her moving over the road?

Soontobe60 · 27/04/2019 06:41

If she does move over the road, make sure you keep your distance. No friendly 'good mornings' etc. In fact, I would just blank her if I saw her in the street.
I'd also tell her you were moving if she contacts you again.

TheTreeHearsYourSecret · 27/04/2019 06:44

She clearly hasn't moved on despite having a family of her own.

Be very unfriendly. Do you think her DP knows about the contact and moving in opposite? It is all very stalkery.

If you were thinking of moving, now is the time.

Congratulations on your baby

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 27/04/2019 06:53

I'd be moving house and lock up your bunnies.

HotPriest · 27/04/2019 06:54

Congratulations on the birth of your son OP and thanks for the update. Sorry to hear about your potential new neighbour.

Starlight456 · 27/04/2019 06:56

Omg. If she does move in I would blank her and seriously consider moving myself. You shouldn’t have to however quality of your life matters.

CKWattisthemanager · 27/04/2019 06:58

Firstly OP thanks for giving us an update.
OMG over the road. This is beyond strange. I think you have two choices. Ignore her completely but I suspect her 'incursions' into your lives will continue even if they are made out to look accidental or you could send her an email listing all the communication from her you have had and how it has both made you feel. Lay it on with a trowel. Mystified. Stressed. Angry. Finish the email with the fact that you see her moving in opposite you as another episode of stalker like behaviour and you are now going to contact the Police.
It might sound a bit OTT but if it changes her mind then that is much cheaper and better than endlessly having her being a part of your life. She is literally forcing you to have her in your life.

Mammatino · 27/04/2019 07:00

I was going to say I felt slightly sorry for her, hard when someone you love doesn't love you. Still no excuse for tossing aside your dignity and trying to inch back into their lives through the back door. Then I read your last post... Red light flashing. If she moves in, move out. Yes you shouldn't have to but you will have no peace if mind, you will be afraid to walk out of the door in case she is lying in wait for you and she will be. You will start imagining she is about to vamp DP and she will be engineering situations so she can. What a bloody nutter. I am so sorry for you guys, but your home is your safe place and she is starting a full scale assault on it.

Dvg · 27/04/2019 07:01

i would move. :D

user1486915549 · 27/04/2019 07:06

Wow.
That is now full on scarey stalker behaviour.
I would keep a record of all her emails and contact the police.

sparklefarts · 27/04/2019 07:09

Oh Christ!
I echo what everyone else says, you shouldn't have to but I would be moving.

How many years ago was she with your DH? Wonder what her partner thinks of all this!

Comps83 · 27/04/2019 07:10

Omg what a nutter
I saw my ex looking at houses opposite ours not long after we moved into our new build
I’m so glad I contacted him to let him know I also lived there as I would have hated to have him as a neighbour
This situation is different though and there’s not much you can do but ignore her or move . The latter is really unfair on you though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 07:10

Oh my. That’s odd! What does your dp say?

GuineaPiglet345 · 27/04/2019 07:11

I don’t think it would be too extreme for you to contact the police and ask for advice in anticipation of her moving in across the road, that is very very odd when combined with the post ‘accidentally’ being sent to you years after she’s moved out and the baby gifts. If it’s not full blown stalking yet it soon will be. Perhaps the police could just have a little chat with her.

Comps83 · 27/04/2019 07:15

What’s DPs opinion on her mental state when they were together? Problem is she’s technically done nothing wrong yet so police won’t do anything

Springwalk · 27/04/2019 07:15

It sounds to me like she still very much carries a torch for your dp. The email when she was pregnant carrying someone else's child is very telling, she was really saying she was wished she was having a baby with him.

Now you are pregnant she has stepped up her involvement.

I would be very very wary and uncomfortable. I agree block and send back anything else she has sent you with not known at this address. Dp needs to be fully on board with this too. No contact.

This situation has the potential to become a real problem for you left unchecked. Any friends that are communicating with you and her also need to be kicked into the long grass, they are not your friends op if they are relaying private information to her.
You need to close down her access her to you, your baby and your dp.

Springwalk · 27/04/2019 07:18

Gosh sorry to read your update.

You need to move asap and with no forwarding address.

She is definitely in stalker territory now.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/04/2019 07:18

Has she bought the property or is she renting?

How awful for you, OP. Have you got lots of support? What does the mutual friend think?

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