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Original poster

Partners ex keeps getting in contact since finding out I’m pregnant

98 replies

Mamatobe83 · 20/12/2018 07:00

Hi

I wanted a bit of advice on here please.

I am pregnant with my first child with my partner. His ex girlfriend of 6 years requested to follow me on Instagram before I was pregnant. We have mutual friends in common, she has a partner and a little boy so I thought nothing of it and followed her back. I spoke to my partner who has not spoken or seen her in 2 years and he also thought it would be harmless. Their split was amicable and was due to her wanting to start a family and him realising she wasn’t who he wanted to be with to do that.

She found out from a mutual friend of ours that I am pregnant, prior to me posting anything on social media to announce this, and emailed my partner telling him how happy she was about the news and reminisced about times when they were together. I felt quite angry about this email as she doesn’t know me, or my partner anymore, and whilst it may come from a place of kindness I felt it was inappropriate, especially when I hadn’t told close friends about it.

I received a message from her a few months later stating that she had bought the baby some gifts and could she come round and give them to me. I have never met her and I now live in the house she previously lived in with my partner. My partner is not comfortable with her coming round and I definitely couldn’t think of anything more awkward. I politely declined stating we were busy. We then received the very generous gifts from our mutual friend and I sent a polite thank you.

Since then she has sent me links via Instagram to things she thinks I might like and comments on my posts. We recently started to receive post for her even though she moved out 6 years ago and she has emailed my partner asking to come round and collect it. He replied stating that he will drop it off at a friend who lives nearby.

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid about the above but I’m unsure as to why she keeps trying to be involved in our lives and why she apparently wants to come to the house. Part of me thinks she’s had things delivered here on purpose so she can keep getting in touch with us. Especially as we have not previously had anything. Everytime she gets in touch it makes me feel stressed and we have to talk about a woman who isn’t even part of either of our lives. I just want to focus on the upcoming new arrival and us but don’t know how to go about stopping this intrusion into our lives without seeming mean. Any advice greatly appreciated.

P.S I find it hard not to think about things a lot despite trying to ignore them. So that is not really an option.

OP posts:
Acis · 27/04/2019 07:23

I don’t think it would be too extreme for you to contact the police

Yes, it would.

NorthernRunner · 27/04/2019 07:35

Over the road?!?!

Yes I would move. She has stalking tendencies.

greenberet · 27/04/2019 07:35

I think she still has feelings for your DP. If at the time they split the chat went along the lines of “ this is not about you I’m just not ready for kids” then she will have consoled herself with this over and over again to deal with the rejection.

Obviously the split was about her otherwise they would have waited together but maybe your DP tried to minimise the impact on her.

Now that you have a child of your own she sees that you are on a level playing field ie your DP can no longer say he didn’t want kids and deep in her mind somewhere I think she feels that she is still in with a chance after all he didn’t reject her - just not ready for kids.

I think she sounds “dangerous” - the “nice” ones often are - she has no idea about personal boundaries - she wants the family unit with your DP and this is what she If after!

Did you say you live in the house she once lived in - if so definitely time to move but make sure she is committed to her move first otherwise she will change her mind.

I have an OW in my life - who on the face of it appears “nice” - but she has “allowed” my X to emotionally and financially destroy me and with this huge strain and disruption to my kids lives. There is nothing “nice” about her she is evil - but because I have depression and try and assert the boundaries in her eyes “ I need help”

Be careful op - this is a long way down the line - but your gut is telling you what’s what- listen to it - good luck x

PersonaNonGarter · 27/04/2019 07:36

Don’t contact the police - this may all be nothing. But, it may not be. I would be trying to let DH deal with this.

HJWT · 27/04/2019 07:49

@Mamatobe83 what a WEIRDO! I really feel for you!!

Grainedmonkey · 27/04/2019 07:55

Oh Blimey this is seriously weird. Do you think she really is moving over the road or is she just testing your reaction? has that house been up for sale or rent recently. If this is true I would be moving asap, it does not bode well. I wonder if her DP knows about her behaviour , do any mutual friends know him too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 07:56

I would find this very intrusive. I think your DP is going to have to talk to her directly.

Circlegame · 27/04/2019 07:58

So She is moving with her partner/husband?

Is she still on your social media?

Original poster
Mamatobe83 · 27/04/2019 08:43

Thanks for your replies.

Yes she’s moving with her partner and son, it’s a rental property. He does know because we emailed him to say it made us uncomfortable, his response was that we were threatened and insecure and we would have to deal with it. My DP emailed her back to say we aren’t happy about it but she hasn’t replied. I really don’t know what to do, we are definitely not going to speak to her if we see her. I love our house and feel so sad that she has ruined how I feel about living here now :(

OP posts:
Comps83 · 27/04/2019 08:52

I think that’s a very odd attitude for her DP to take too. DH and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere near our exes and I’m sure most people feel like that too

NorthernRunner · 27/04/2019 08:52

Do you rent Mamatobe?

Obviously there cannot be any contact with them. I don’t know what she is thinking. She is clearly still holding a torch for your partner and it’s making her behave like a stalker.

Is there anyway you could move away? Even if it was just for a couple of months. Perhaps move in with a family member? I appreciate this may not be at all practical, just trying to think of ways for you to get away from her

Grainedmonkey · 27/04/2019 08:54

Of all the places why on earth would they move in opposite you after the exchanges that have happened. It can only be with the intention of stalking. Her DP sounds equally odd.
I feel bad for you as you may have to move from the house you love or face the consequences . I am slightly worried about what she will do next.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/04/2019 08:58

What a very weird thing to do! She definitely has no idea about boundaries.

What does your mutual friend think about it all? They must think she’s bordering on batshit now?

Needsomebottle · 27/04/2019 08:59

Oh my days. Do you know the landlord? Could you give them the heads up? The last thing they will want is any bother, and if there's someone else interested in the property maybe it wouldn't be too late for them to withdraw the offer to her and give it to someone else? I mean approaching it in a nice way with them, "we have our concerns, this is our history, and if we have any trouble we will promptly be reporting to the police". It might seem extreme but what she's done is far more extreme. And downright weird!! Most people would surely go to lengths to AVOID living opposite their ex?!

ElektraUnchained · 27/04/2019 09:08

How strange from her DP. Surely its not good for him for his DP to be so invested im her ex? Why would her ex feeling threatened and insecure be a good thing?

DoctorManhattan · 27/04/2019 09:36

You’ve been polite and tiptoed round her enough. Her behaviour is odd and when you look at all things combined - the communication, unexpected gifts, redirected post and now moving in opposite you - also alarming.

At this stage I would be asking her and her partner very directly why, out of all the properties on the planet, they are moving in directly opposite her ex.

Alternatively, if I was in your shoes I’d be tempted to drop a lie into conversation - that you’re moving to a bigger house in 3 or 4 months anyway. And gauge her reaction. If they’re genuinely moving opposite you because of some stalkerish tendency on her part, this would be the absolute last thing she wants.

katy78 · 27/04/2019 11:39

I think you just need to move and not tell her where. We only get one life, it is short and precious. Don’t waste it living in anxiety, stress and fear, especially in these early years with your child. Take this chance to make a completely fresh start and clean break away from her.

Plipplopbop · 27/04/2019 12:31

Oh OP, what a stress. I echo others here, she always imagined her child with your DP and now seems frantic to be involved. Odd her DP is ok, but I bet he doesn't know about all the contact. Youve made it clear you're not happy so I think if she does move you can be as rude as you like. Ultimately this lady is nothing to do with your family and don't feel bad by making that clear.

Original poster
Mamatobe83 · 27/04/2019 13:20

Apparently it’s to get into the local Primary School, for which admissions don’t open until November so as they’re renting there would be time to find somewhere else.

Our mutual friend has felt upset and stressed over this and has said she doesn’t want to be DP’s ex’s friend as she’s the one creating drama.

Her DP said that she is just a ‘genuinely nice person’ when I said about the contact. I guess he would defend her anyway, he’s not exactly going to agree that she’s crazy. I don’t understand why he thinks living opposite her ex is a good idea though.

We own the house and we are planning on moving in a few years. We aren’t in a position to move right now. :(

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/04/2019 13:37

Congratulations on the birth of your son.

I can't believe she's moving in opposite you. Of all the houses in the area.

You both should just ignore her. Pay her no mind and treat her like someone you don't know.

DBML · 27/04/2019 15:49

Move. Trust me. Sell your house and buy somewhere that doesn’t have her mark on it. And preferably somewhere that will remain unknown to her.

Pinkybutterfly · 27/04/2019 16:08

WTF WoW op this is just another level of stalking. I don't want to scare you but I will make sure you have changed the keys from when she was living in Ur house. I will put some more security and then just relax. If she keeps contacting you I will say that I appreciate her good will but you don't wish to have any more contact if she keeps on it I will go to the police and ask for information. It seem very weird to me....

BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2019 16:17

this can only bring trouble, she has deliberately manipulated this entire situation OP. Flowers

longtimelurkerhelen · 27/04/2019 18:03

@Mamatobe83

Does her partner know that she has repeatedly tried to contact you and your partner via a few different methods and the about the post suddenly coming to your address?

I suspect he doesn’t know the full extent of her stalking. If I found out my partner was doing this, I would assume they wanted to restart the relationship.

If you can’t move, just completely ignore, no hello’s or how are you etc.

Cherrysoup · 27/04/2019 19:16

You're going to need extremely strong boundaries once they move in. Don't talk to them except to say that you're not remotely interested in becoming friends. You need to block her on insta.