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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Worried he will want the baby over night.

114 replies

MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 16:46

Hi,

My BF walked out 3 weeks after we found out about the baby, took everything and left, including the kitchen bin because he bought it!

I have massive anxiety that when the baby he is born he is going to want to take the baby over night, this is something I can't get my head around. I will be more than happy him coming to the house and spending time with the baby and even helping with bed time routine, but not taking the baby.

Has anyone else been through something similar?

OP posts:

Dowser · 19/12/2018 09:37

How my friend wishes she never put the father on the birth certificate.
After never paying towards them, suddenly he decided he was entitled to them...paid for a top barrister, managed to persuade the judge she was an unfit mother....and he got them.

SirBobblyofSock · 19/12/2018 09:44

There was a thread on here last night where a woman with a newborn was having to fend off an abusive ex partner who was threatening to come and take the baby. People were advising her that as he was named on the birth certificate he had parental responsibility and if he took the baby the police would not be able to intervene.

5fivestar · 19/12/2018 10:37

SirBobblyofSock - that’s true, the police will not retrieve the baby and even if not on the birth certificate the police will not retrieve a child that wants to be with the “father” possession is literally 9/10th of the law

FestiveNut · 19/12/2018 10:42

There's a thread on here somewhere by a woman who posted the same question during her pregnancy. She didn't follow the advice and is now struggling with her ex demanding overnight visits with her five week old. To reduce the risk of this happening to you:

Don't put him on the birth certificate.
Don't give the baby his surname.
Breastfeed if at all possible.

HopeHopity · 19/12/2018 10:55

@swingofthings are you the dad or did you walk out on someone?
A happy father to be doesn't walk out of his partner out of the blue after one argument.
*
In any case, his walking out on you doesn't mean he walked out on his child to be. Your baby will not be your possession but a human being in their own right, and one right they should be entitled to is to develop a bond with both their parents.*

HopeHopity · 19/12/2018 11:00

OP
My best friend, whom I adore, was born when her mum was 15
Her dad took his own life and his entire family walked away.
She was told she was not allowed to use his surname on the baby.

Because it all would bring shame to the family.

My best friend is now pregnantherself, a very successful woman, fluent in 3 languages and with so many friends and people that love her.

Her mum was lucky to have her parents support and become a judge as well as a mum

When we were in our mid twenties, her mum a judge and herself a lawyer, she was contacted by the family.

😒😒😒😒😒😒

So to those that think that because someone parted with 1 single cell of their bodies one night that automatically means their children are much better with them in their lives you really need to broaden your horizons.

Parents are made. Through working through challenges that parenthood brings. This man clearly made his choice, OP can make hers

HopeHopity · 19/12/2018 11:02

Do not put his name on and keep a diary of every vaccine, illness and challenge you encounter.
It has proven useful to friends in the past to show who was really the parent

Original poster

MamaKez2019 · 19/12/2018 11:02

He has walked out on the plans we had made together to be a parental unit, a team. The baby was planned, we were planning on getting married and he left. I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to bond with the baby, I am saying I am worried that because he has shown to be unreasonable already (skin to skin tantrum) that I am worried he is going to think it's ok to take the baby away from me when it is born.

The comments about the police not being able to do anything if he took the baby without my consent really worried me.

OP posts:

FestiveNut · 19/12/2018 11:06

The comments about the police not being able to do anything if he took the baby without my consent really worried me.

So they should. It's scary stuff. Lots of women have lost their kids entirely when the dad has taken them abroad. No legal recourse.

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 11:09

Swing I'm surprised by your post. I really am.

You're inferring the OP is withholding information about the situation.

OP... sorry about the anxiety over the situation. Try your best to focus on you and the baby. If you block him you don't have to worry about him messaging you.

Perhaps before you do that you could send him a message saying not to come to your house or contact your family members.

Some people set up an email address purely for contact with an Ex like this.

When you've had the baby, you can let him know via that email address.

His behaviour is quite ridiculous. How old is he?

SandyY2K · 19/12/2018 11:12

The comments about the police not being able to do anything if he took the baby without my consent really worried me.

That's why he should not be on the birth certificate.

Take heed.

BlingLoving · 19/12/2018 11:13

I'm not normally one to go to the assumption of some kind of mental health problem, but this is one time I'm wondering if he has serious problems. To over react so much because of one leaflet recommending an hour with the mum for skin to skin is weird. Not least because when DH and I have seen leaflets about things we disagree our normal response is to ask some questions, maybe do some research and then make a decision. I can easily imagine Dh being sad if he was told he couldn't hold the baby for the first hour. However, in reality, that didn't happen with either child who were given to him to hold once they'd cleaned me up and taken me out of surgery. Also, he would accept it if it's best for baby.

So I'd be wondering why he's flown so completely off the handle on this - has this kind of thing happened before. And if possible, suggesting that maybe he talk to someone about his anxiety around the baby. Obviously, that doesn't solve the underlying problem you have currently, but if he's normally less crazy maybe this will help.

As for the parental rights thing, I think you need to get advice asap. Before baby is born. Speak to Women's Aid or a solicitor to understand what is going to happen and what you should do. Lots of people on the internet will have lots of ideas, but you need proper advice.

swingofthings · 19/12/2018 11:15

Sadly it is the common attitude here among women posters but it doesn't make it right. This is why fathers turn to the courts and why they do get awarded their rights to be on birth certificates and in the lived of their child.

So sad that too many mothers see their child as their possession the moment they are conceived and that the father oy has right to be so if he stays with the mother (unless of course mum doesn't dad in her life).

I feel really sad for those kids growing up without fathers because their mothers have made that decision for them. Sadly too that it often backfires.

BookwormMe · 19/12/2018 11:16

If you are genuinely worried he will try to take your baby, definitely don't put him on the birth certificate, OP. Then it definitely would be a police matter, as in the eyes of the law it would be a stranger abducting an infant.

Did he exhibit any controlling behaviour while you were together - wanting things his way, overriding your wishes, etc? His tantrum seems very odd and out of the blue. What about his family as well? What's been their reaction?

SirBobblyofSock · 19/12/2018 11:16

OP, the point is you can mitigate a lot of these potential problems down the line by not naming him on the birth certificate. Do everything possibly to make life easier for yourself. If he really wants to be a parent, he needs to demonstrate it with deeds not words.

HopeHopity · 19/12/2018 11:18

@swingofthings no, I don't think that you need to carry a baby to be more of a parent. But if you walk away and chose not to be there for anything..,

Plenty of parents dont carry their babies, adoptive parents for example, which is why I speak of challenges making a parent

FestiveNut · 19/12/2018 11:23

And you can always add him to the birth certificate at a later date. He has to be there with you to go on it as you aren't married. Don't make a song and dance about not putting him on. Just go alone. You could even say you didn't realise he would have to be with you and they wouldn't let you put him on. Then just never get round to 'fixing' it.

FestiveNut · 19/12/2018 11:24

Or wait to fix it until you're sure he's not being controlling, or attempting to be.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2018 12:14

“I feel really sad for those kids growing up without fathers because their mothers have made that decision for them. Sadly too that it often backfires”

Did you notice that this man has walked out on his child and its mother after 3 weeks of pregnancy??

NotANotMan · 19/12/2018 12:47

How my friend wishes she never put the father on the birth certificate.
After never paying towards them, suddenly he decided he was entitled to them...paid for a top barrister, managed to persuade the judge she was an unfit mother....and he got them.

This would have happened with or without the birth certificate

mama1980 · 19/12/2018 13:05

What a nightmare situation. You really need to seek legal advice.
But I would say Do not put him on the birth certificate, do not give baby his last name. Try not to respond or engage and Keep all messages and texts as evidence.

blueskiesandforests · 19/12/2018 13:32

swingofthings have you actually read the OP's posts and taken in the fact he fucked off completely after the first midwife's appointment because of a leaflet about skin to skin between mother and child in the first hour after birth helping establish breastfeeding! An adult who throws a tantrum and leaves his partner and mutually planned and wanted unborn child because a midwives information leaflet isnt all about him and his wants/ rights is not a person who is putting the child's needs first, and is therefore not a parent beyond a brief, undemanding but of biology.

timeisnotaline · 19/12/2018 14:55

I feel really sad for those kids growing up without fathers because their mothers have made that decision for them.
Have you read some of the threads on here?! You should feel happy there are structures in place in society to support women to keep their children away from some of these men. Men who the children they don’t know from Adam because they’ve never been (through their own choice) present in their lives or men who’ve abused their mothers or men who’ve abused them.

GummyGoddess · 19/12/2018 15:07

He thinks that after what you will go through to get baby here safely, you shouldn't get to hold them as much as you need to?

Babies are unaware of equality, they need their mother and not a father. Skin to skin is for baby's benefit, they need to regulate their heart rate, their breathing, they need you to make them feel safe after their whole world has changed while they get used to seeing anything, louder sounds, smells, temperature, learning to eat, clothes, everything! How dare he deprive a baby of this in the name of 'equality'?!

Selfish bastard.

Bekabeech · 19/12/2018 15:08

I feel really sad for those kids growing up without fathers because their mothers have made that decision for them.

I grew up not knowing my Father - it did me no harm. In fact I feel vaguely guilty towards the other children who grew up with him around. Its one reason I am very wary of contacting my half-siblings. I am sure I had a much better start to life without an abusive gambler in my life (and I even understand why he was that way).

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