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Original poster

Worried he will want the baby over night.

114 replies

MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 16:46

Hi,

My BF walked out 3 weeks after we found out about the baby, took everything and left, including the kitchen bin because he bought it!

I have massive anxiety that when the baby he is born he is going to want to take the baby over night, this is something I can't get my head around. I will be more than happy him coming to the house and spending time with the baby and even helping with bed time routine, but not taking the baby.

Has anyone else been through something similar?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 18/12/2018 22:00

You can always
Put him on the birth certificate later- you can’t take him off!

Wordthe · 18/12/2018 22:03

He sounds very weird and very sinister
I wouldn't trust him even as far as I could throw him

HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2018 22:04

Agreeing with all the people saying to block him. He’ll be telling you it’s his “right” to be at ante natal appointments and the birth next. Fuck that. He walked out, you need to put yourself first for the health of your baby.

Do NOT let him come to appointments, do not tell him when you go into Labour, do not put him on th BC or give your baby his surname.

ButteryParsnips · 18/12/2018 22:05

we don’t know enough information to make judgements about him

I feel that the taking the kitchen bin episode indicates well enough that he's a bit of an arse.

TemptressofWaikiki · 19/12/2018 00:31

You do realise, you hold the power on balance? You do not have to put him on the birth certificate and I would not advise this, just as others have mentioned. He has no right to come to any appointments or be present at the birth. He completely lost all rights, the moment he walked out. I would not have any contact for the coming months. You owe him nothing! Just focus on a stress free as possible pregnancy.

seventhgonickname · 19/12/2018 00:53

Don't tell him when scans are If he was supportive and with you he would know.The scan is to check your baby,he doesn't need to be there.
And another repeating do not put him on the birth certificate,he needs to be with you to go on so register on your own.Then he had no parental responsibility so can't take your baby.If he steps up he can be added later.
Don't meet him,he will bully you.At the moment it is your baby not 'ours'.

MarieG10 · 19/12/2018 05:31

BertrandRussell
You can always
Put him on the birth certificate later- you can’t take him off!

FFS. What do you think registering a birth and naming the father is? Like putting them on a car insurance certificate where you can remove and out them back on?

MarieG10 · 19/12/2018 05:32

Sorry Bert. Ignore my last. I misread it

Handsoffmysweets · 19/12/2018 05:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Handsoffmysweets · 19/12/2018 05:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

HopeHopity · 19/12/2018 05:59

because he's the father? The child deserves to have a father named on their Birth cert?
What now??!!! Envy

swingofthings · 19/12/2018 06:02

These threads really upset me. I really feel for you but there's clearly more to what you've told. A happy father to be doesn't walk out of his partner out of the blue after one argument.

In any case, his walking out on you doesn't mean he walked out on his child to be. Your baby will not be your possession but a human being in their own right, and one right they should be entitled to is to develop a bond with both their parents.

What right to do you have to decide that he shouldn't be on the birth certificate. Him deciding that he doesn't want to be with you, whatever the reason, doesn't make him less of your child to be biological father.

I know it is hard, very hard not to let you hurt and pain make decisions that aim to punish him, but being a good parent is to take back any such feelings to allow your child to grow up with two parents.

Give yourself time to get over the pain and what feels like betrayal, but then think of your baby and try to work with your ex to do what is right for the baby. Ideally, you should allow his dad to spend time with his baby as early as possible without you in the room. At least going upstairs whilst he's in the house. This can then go to living him in the house ot if that's not something yor comfortable with, allowing him to take the baby out for a few hours. You can move to him ha ING your baby over night when they have bonded and he can do so with confidence.

Princesspeachy0 · 19/12/2018 06:26

When is your baby due OP?

I agree with PP who have said don't put him in the BC but maybe if it's a while before your baby is due he will step up and be a man and show u he will at least be there for the baby.

I can imagine u feel completely let down by him but that doesn't mean he will let the baby down (I know he's left and obviously that's not putting the family/baby 1st but...) It's difficult because unfortunately you can't change who the child's father is and if u can get on it would be so much easier.

I know my post hasn't been much help! Sorry. Flowers

5fivestar · 19/12/2018 06:46

I wish my mother had not put my “father” on the birth certificate and blocked him. All the hand wringers forget a mother’s primary role is protect their child. From pricks like this. He walked out, see ya, do not give him the opportunity to do a life time of damage, to come between you and your child. That’s what happened with me, Mum tried to do the right thing and he turned her own child against her and now I have no parents.
It’s too big a chance to take so this person has shown he is untrustworthy once. That’s it. Not on the birth certificate, no access, stay away from him.

Original poster
MamaKez2019 · 19/12/2018 06:53

Swingofthings. No there is not 'clearly' more to what I have told. I have told the truth and shame on you for assuming otherwise.

Your suggestion of leaving the room and letting him bond as early as possible is a bit of a joke. Why should I purposely let the baby out of my sight? These are all the things that he should have thought about before he walked out. He hasn't thought about the consequences of not being a complete parental until and when the baby is born I will be 100% focused on providing for the baby. I won't be thinking about what is best for him, I'm pretty sure most mother's aren't concentrating on looking after the father, Who is an adult may I add when there is a newborn to look after

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 19/12/2018 06:57

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/08/fathers-access-baby-daughter

There are helplines you can call for advice, including legal advice, after this article.

blueskiesandforests · 19/12/2018 07:00

Sorry I meant the helpline numbers are at the end of the article.

Your ex sounds utterly self centered. I wouldn't trust him to put the baby's needs first - the skin to skin example suggests it is all about him and what he wants from the baby! I'd be seeking legal advice about keeping contact supervised and definitely no overnights until the child can steak up for themself.

Surfskatefamily · 19/12/2018 07:07

Hes done badly to you, and i know that hurts. But it is the wrong thing to do denying he is the father on the birth certificate. If my son had this done to him when he grows up id be devastated.

He wont be able to do overnights for some time. Normally after a year minimum.
Many dads dont want that. My dad didnt have me overnight till i was in school.

You have a better chance of amicable contact arrangements if you treat him as a fair parent. If he doesnt step up you can truthfully tell your child that you tried your best and never denied him access. Trust me, your child will ask.

5fivestar · 19/12/2018 07:11

Surfskatefamily - if your son treated his pregnant girlfriend in such a manner I’d be expecting you to condone his behaviour and be grovelling on his knees not harassing her further

Shepherdspieisminging · 19/12/2018 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suresurelah · 19/12/2018 07:37

He does not have the right to attend appointments/scans/the birth.

And he would need to attend the registry of the birth in order to be put on the birth certificate.

Like PP have said, give your child your surname and listen to your gut on this.

anniehm · 19/12/2018 07:39

He will need to apply for parental responsibility but he won't get overnights immediately especially if you are breastfeeding. However in the longer term the working assumption for contact is 50/50 these days along with financial support. If he wishes to be part of the baby's life it's far better you get a mutually agreeable plan for access and financial support rather than defaulting to court - use him to your advantage. I

anniehm · 19/12/2018 07:44

Ps when dd was born initially akin to skin was with me and then first feed (around 5 mins after birth) once she finished feeding they encouraged dh to undo his shirt and he had skin to skin whilst I had a bath and sorted myself out. I thought this was normal - perhaps he had read the same information. I'm guessing not only women get overwhelmed though. The fact he's still in contact makes me think he actually cares quite a lot

Original poster
MamaKez2019 · 19/12/2018 07:54

I am fortunate enough not To need financial support from him. I am capable and prepared to do this on my own if needed and I have a fantastic support network around me.

My anxiety around all of this is how unpredictable he is and how it makes me nervous of what his actions will be when the baby is born. Just because he has been in contact doesn't mean he cares, I honestly think he is trying to save face after walking out on me. He told my sister he was leaving and wanted her to tell me and then lied to my mum and told her I had kicked him out, he has tried to manipulate different people in to feeling sorry for him.

I do really appreciate all of your comments. Thank you.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 19/12/2018 08:14

Can you say whether you plan to put him on the birth certificate?
Lots of people have suggested not to do that. To let him fight for his parental rights. Will you?

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