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Original poster

Worried he will want the baby over night.

114 replies

MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 16:46

Hi,

My BF walked out 3 weeks after we found out about the baby, took everything and left, including the kitchen bin because he bought it!

I have massive anxiety that when the baby he is born he is going to want to take the baby over night, this is something I can't get my head around. I will be more than happy him coming to the house and spending time with the baby and even helping with bed time routine, but not taking the baby.

Has anyone else been through something similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 18:26

Thank you for all of your comments.

Bit of background, the baby was planned and we were both very happy when we did the positive test.

I had hormonal mood swings but nothing serious, I would have a moan about him not putting the bin out when it was practically overflowing, that kind of stuff.

It all went wrong on the day we had our first midwife appointment and I'm the folder we received there was a leaflet about skin to skin and the benefits of baby having skin to skin with mum for the first hour or until baby has first feed (I plan on breast feeding). The tantrum he had completely shocked me 'What about me!!' He was ranting. After That he didn't speak to me, slept on the sofa for 2 nights and then I went away with work for a few days.

We agreed to talk when I got home on Friday (220 mile drive) and he decided to leave instead. He didn't tell me though, he phoned my sister and wanted her to tell me, she refused because of the drive I had in front of me so he made sure my mum know, knowing she would be really upset and would tell me. When I arrived home he had taken everything, including the bin he had bought for kitchen.

So this is what I am dealing with, if he is behaving like this over skin to skin recommendations I dread to think what he is going to be like when baby is born.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 18/12/2018 18:37

My god you've dodged a bullet with him leaving.

I am astonished you didn't kick him out during the two days of silence. That you didn't leads me to believe you've been ground down gradually by his abusive behaviour.

Do not grovel to have him back like he wants.

merville · 18/12/2018 18:48

because he's the father? The child deserves to have a father named on their Birth cert?

No child 'deserves' to have a father like that foisted on them.

Doyoumind · 18/12/2018 18:50

So at the first opportunity he was all "what about me?" He's certainly not someone you want around with a baby. Keep your distance.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/12/2018 20:13

He will be entitled to have over night access to his baby unless there's a really good reason for him not to.

Like the baby's right to be with their mother, who may well be breast feeding them? That a good enough reason?

because he's the father? The child deserves to have a father named on their Birth cert?

My father is not on my birth cert. I can honestly say this is something I have never felt "cheated" out of. I think I look at my birth cert for admin once every 5 years if that. Why would only seeing my mothers name cause me distress or any negative emotion?

BrendasUmbrella · 18/12/2018 20:18

there was a leaflet about skin to skin and the benefits of baby having skin to skin with mum for the first hour or until baby has first feed (I plan on breast feeding). The tantrum he had completely shocked me 'What about me!!' He was ranting.

Was he ranting about not getting his own special skin to skin in the hour after birth? If he is already acting like this, I suggest you don't do the human doormat routine for him. Don't go out of your way to send updates, don't give the baby his last name, don't put him on the birth cert. I bet he will go out of his way to be awkward and petty, and you being fair won't dilute that in any way.

ImNotKitten · 18/12/2018 20:25

He won’t get immediate overnight access, don’t worry. I also agree not to put him on the BC.

pissedonatrain · 18/12/2018 20:32

Has he even bothered to contact you and see how you are?

I don't mean you contacting him.

SpiritedLondon · 18/12/2018 20:40

Has he actually had any 1 to 1 time with any babies? Does he actually know what’s entailed? Obviously I don’t know him but I imagine if he was going to want to be involved in the baby at all it will be for the easy bits not the broken sleep bit.

Original poster
MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 20:42

He has been in contact telling me I need to let him know when the scans are and we have to talk about what we are buying 'our' baby

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 20:44

He has never changed a nappy, never mind look after a child but this won't stop him being difficult.

Yeah he was having a tantrum about not having time to hold the baby in the first hour it is born whilst I am having skin to skin

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 18/12/2018 20:47

Nah I wouldn’t tell him anything.

Wouldn’t depend to anything he sends either.

Your pregnancy isn’t some kind of spectator sport for him.

frazzledasarock · 18/12/2018 20:47

Wouldn’t respond

Bekabeech · 18/12/2018 20:52

Ignore him.

Medically if his presence is likely to upset/distress you then it is highly recommended that he is not around for any medical procedures including scans and definitely the birth.

I would also suggest talking to Women's Aid and considering doing the Freedom Programme, as he sounds extremely self centred and controlling.

ILoveDolly · 18/12/2018 20:52

The father is allowed to hold the baby, it's just majority of first few hours baby should be on the mother! I think you need to point out to him that his over reaction and subsequant departure from your life just when you needed support most , because of a misunderstanding about a leaflet, does not make him gold father material. Parents have to deal with much much more serious and divisive issues nearly every day. If he is the kind of guy who flounces off when he's not center of attention then I can't see what use he is going to be at all as a father.

lifebegins50 · 18/12/2018 20:54

and the benefits of baby having skin to skin

Well he has failed at the first step of parenting, putting himself 2nd to the baby.

Where there any other red flags before this?
He seems self centred and a coward. Horrible timing for you but you are well rid.
What is the housing situation? Will you have savings for mat leave?

Twickerhun · 18/12/2018 20:57

He gets that he will be able to hold the baby, possibly cut the cord etc if he is at the birth? But that you’ll have most of the time as skin to skin until you shower and baby gets dressed? Does he think that the baby will be born and he won’t even be allowed to hold it’s hand?

Original poster
MamaKez2019 · 18/12/2018 20:57

I have agreed to meet later this week to talk but I think I'm changing my mind. After he walked out instead of talking about things like an adult he left....and took the kitchen bin with him, I don't know whether to laugh or cry most of the time.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 18/12/2018 20:58

The birth certificate is rights as a parent. You don’t get these for being a sperm donor and I think you’d be less of a mother for just giving such rights to some guy who has already shown himself to be so unstable.

Op in reply to his texts say I’m concentrating on growing a healthy baby, you are welcome to share your list of baby essentials and how much you plan to contribute. Just leave the ball in his court.

Shepherdspieisminging · 18/12/2018 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk · 18/12/2018 21:16

What an awful man, to begrudge you and the baby time together after the birth. That is truly shocking.

Remember now that this man isn't your friend. Anyone who could abandon a pregnant woman out of pure jealousy isn't your friend, so don't have friendly chats with him.

HollowTalk · 18/12/2018 21:16

In fact I think I wouldn't let him be at the birth, after that tantrum.

MarieG10 · 18/12/2018 21:32

FFS ...is this behaviour totally out of character? In any event, whilst I'm pro marriage and parental responsibility, even I'm veering towards not putting him on the birth certificate as once you so he has a whole host of rights which I suspect you need like a hole in the head once the baby is born

SandyY2K · 18/12/2018 21:36

What a childish petty man to take the kitchen bin with him.

Good Lord he really is something.

I would actually block him and not update him on anything after his performance. I'd tell my family members to block him too.

You're having one baby....you really don't need another. I'd actually feel like moving and having nothing more to do with him whatsoever.

The advice on not putting him on the birth certificate is correct...in relation to parental responsibility

tryinganewname · 18/12/2018 21:58

Do NOT put this prick on the birth certificate
Do NOT let him to the birth

You can do this OP. You need to be strong for your baby and protect them.