What would you do about this friend?

[BibbedyBobbedyBackToBed]

Hello wise people of mumsnet.
I am looking for som advice on a friendship dilemma. I'll try not to dripfeed so this might be long. Ready to be told it's me and not her, but please be gentle.
This weekend I was hosting a little gathering for some old and new friends before christmas. It was at my place.
At my there were 4 people over the weekend: my mum who'd come over to help and see some of my childhood friends (she lives nearby), a male friend (let's call him A) who came from further away and a female friend B, who also traveled to attend the gathering, so slept over.
It was clear from the beginning that she wouldn't be my only guest and I left her a choice if she wanted to come. B insisted. During the party she sat in a corner and would ignore people trying to include her, even though I had asked one of my oldest friends to be her "assistant" so she wouldn't be alone while I was taking care of the other guests. She also mostly ignored/blanked my friend A over the weekend, despite them both staying at my house. So far so good, you can't like everyone, fair enough, but she seemed really annoyed and almost like a pouty toddler that she wasn't my only guest, even though that had been clear from the start.

However she was also really clingy, in a physical way. She was constantly trying to touch my hand or hug me from the back which I found uncomfortable. Maybe it's just me, I don't really like people touching me. She also tried to get "between" me and other friends, especially friend A, when we were talking as in physically seperating us and stopping the conversation, which I found kind of impolite. But once again, maybe she's insecure in social situations, I am too (if I weren't I wouldn't have to ask for advice on here).

The most odd thing however was, that I caught her going through my stuff twice. I had an envelope on my desk which I saw her flick through and quickly put away when entering the room and she looked through my shelves when she thought nobody was looking. I was ready to let it slide when this morning my mum texted me to tell me that she'd caught my friend going through her bag. When my mum confronted her she said she was "looking for her gloves" which strikes me as odd, why should my mum have them? And they wouldn't be on my shelves or my envelope either? She has some issues and is kind of fragile, so I can't go in guns blazing but I feel like I should adress this issue. With the situation now I wouldn't feel comfortable having friend B back in my home. Am I overreacting? And if yes, please let me know how to deal better with this.

You're not over-reacting, and I don't think I'd be asking her back for another stay, that's for sure.

Has she always been so needy?

She was constantly trying to hug you from the back?

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Looking through your mum’s bag? Wtf.

Kind of, yes. We've lived in the same town for a while and went on some nights out together, but after I moved back to my hometown for work it's mostly texting. As I am quite busy during the day she sometimes keeps spamming me with messages if I don't immediately reply. Or if my reaction isn't "adequate". For example she sends a picture, I reply with a quick emoji during my lunch break, she texts back "do you like the picture?". Or when I am really busy she starts sending messages like "EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE EVERYONE" in all caps to get me to worry and reply quicker. The first times I felt really bad I hadn't been there but now I just get annoyed (and feel bad I get annoyed) when I see that kinda text

Yes, just wrapping her arms around me and I must admit that it freaks me out because I really hate being randomly touched by people I am not extremely closed to

I'd dump her needy, neurotic arse quicker than you can say 'Fuck that!'

She shouldnt be going through your mum's bag though. Sounds like she maybe has some issues to be honest. I wouldn't invite her round if I felt she couldn't be trusted to keep her hands to herself and i would probably just make sure nothing has gone missing.

It's definitely not you...friend B has issues!

Wouldn't that be really mean? I don't want to hurt her feelings, she has very little friends (and I am starting to realise why). Can I just send her a text along the lines of "Hey B, I noticed something about the weekend which I would like to talk about, I saw you going through some personal things of mine and my mum told me she saw you go through her things. What is that all about? As you know, I value my privacy so I would like you to tell me why you thought this was okay and also ask you to not do this again. All the best, Bibbedy"

Also she definitely hasn't taken anything, we checked. She was just snooping

She sounds she could do with some support and help as that all sounds like some sort of mental health difficulty/major insecurity. However, once she's started rifling through your stuff and the belongings of your other guests it's really overstepped a boundary. I wouldn't be having her in my home again unless something changed.

Depending on the person and state of the friendship otherwise, I might meet up with her for coffee or something (as in I wouldn't completely ditch a good friend having a rough time because of some odd behaviour, but I might an acquaintancez). Does she have other people in her life?

Why would you continue to have someone in your life who behaves like this? She sounds like a toxic loon.

Honestly I'd block her. too weird

Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong by either cutting her off or by asking her about it as she's crossed a line like previous comments said she crossed a line thinking she can just look through other people's belongings I would wonder what she was looking for. Don't feel sorry for her it's out of order x

She doesn't really have other people, that's why I am so reluctant to call her out at all. She's been receiving treatment for mental health issues for a few years now (she told me this herself). I am understanding, I have some issues myself. It's just that feeling, almost like an "itch" in my brain that I know she went through my personal things and I don't know what else she might have looked at that wasn't meant for her to be seen. Nothing scandalous but there's no need for people to see my bank statements and things like that. She seemed so possessive this weekend and especially rude to my other overnight guest, as if she was jealous. A and I have some sort of chemistry going on but that has nothing do with my friendships and I tried the whole weekend to include her and make her say more than three words at a time. I just don't want her at my place again, for coffee, sure, but at the moment this is making me uncomfortable. I want to be a helpful and supportive friend but the way she acts is making it very hard for me to be that friend. I just feel annoyed and at the same time I feel bad for being so annoyed

Thank you all for reassuring me and being so understanding by the way. It's an awkward situation and I don't want to embarrass her by talking to someone offline about all this

What would you hope to achieve with the message? She sounds like her issues are beyond 'oh yes sorry I was quiet, I was feeling a bit shy'. I would just quietly distance myself.

"She doesn't really have other people"...

Not surprising, if that's how she behaves!

@Whatcanisayexceptyourewelcome I am probably hoping for a reasonable explanation, even though I can't think of one myself.
(love your username by the way)

Mental health issues or not she shouldn't be snooping through your belongings or anyone else's! It's abit weird, also you was a good friend to her by inviting her round introducing her to your other friends and it sounds like you really made a big effort and she obviously didn't act as you would expect which isn't cool at all. She may not have many other people but she shouldn't of acted like that at all. She could of made more of an effort with your guests aswell from the sounds of it. Either way I wouldn't be happy and wouldn't want her in my house again. Hope you manage to sort it out op x

Don't send a message saying not to do it again as that implies she will be invited to your house again. Don't have her over again. If you still want to retain a friendship (though it's not a healthy one) then meet her in a cafe. She needs to learn how to respect boundaries. To be honest if it were me I wouldn't be in a hurry to contact her again and if she messaged me I'd ignore them or keep replies short. She may have issues but they are not yours to solve.

Please stop. Just detach. Don’t have her for coffee or anything else. And stop replying to her messages.

Slow down how fast you reply to messages. Then only reply to the third or fourth message. Never explain why you didn’t reply sooner. Then after a few days, Send her a reply to the next message: ‘I am so busy right now - loads to catch up on so you won’t hear from me for a while but have a wonderful Christmas and I hope to catch up with you in 2019!’

Yes, it will look weird. But once you get through the crazy message and she goes away you will feel so much better and wonder how she came to take up so much of your energy.

You have to realise that you’re not responsible for how other people feel and establishing some personal boundaries is not ‘being mean’, it’s being self-loving.

Thank you, you're all being very helpful and any advice or even a kick in the backside is most welcome. As a first step I have disabled my read-receipts and "last online", I hope that's a step into the right direction. The last few months after I moved back have been quite draining and I have just realised when going through our chats how much time and energy I sacrificed to try and make her feel better

Call me a bastard but I'd be ghosting her without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of regret.

You can be friends, and meet in neutral places. That way she can't snoop through your things. Digging in your mum's bag is way beyond acceptable but I wouldn't call her out on it as she sounds like a dramatic character.