What would you do about this friend?

[BibbedyBobbedyBackToBed]

Hello wise people of mumsnet.
I am looking for som advice on a friendship dilemma. I'll try not to dripfeed so this might be long. Ready to be told it's me and not her, but please be gentle.
This weekend I was hosting a little gathering for some old and new friends before christmas. It was at my place.
At my there were 4 people over the weekend: my mum who'd come over to help and see some of my childhood friends (she lives nearby), a male friend (let's call him A) who came from further away and a female friend B, who also traveled to attend the gathering, so slept over.
It was clear from the beginning that she wouldn't be my only guest and I left her a choice if she wanted to come. B insisted. During the party she sat in a corner and would ignore people trying to include her, even though I had asked one of my oldest friends to be her "assistant" so she wouldn't be alone while I was taking care of the other guests. She also mostly ignored/blanked my friend A over the weekend, despite them both staying at my house. So far so good, you can't like everyone, fair enough, but she seemed really annoyed and almost like a pouty toddler that she wasn't my only guest, even though that had been clear from the start.

However she was also really clingy, in a physical way. She was constantly trying to touch my hand or hug me from the back which I found uncomfortable. Maybe it's just me, I don't really like people touching me. She also tried to get "between" me and other friends, especially friend A, when we were talking as in physically seperating us and stopping the conversation, which I found kind of impolite. But once again, maybe she's insecure in social situations, I am too (if I weren't I wouldn't have to ask for advice on here).

The most odd thing however was, that I caught her going through my stuff twice. I had an envelope on my desk which I saw her flick through and quickly put away when entering the room and she looked through my shelves when she thought nobody was looking. I was ready to let it slide when this morning my mum texted me to tell me that she'd caught my friend going through her bag. When my mum confronted her she said she was "looking for her gloves" which strikes me as odd, why should my mum have them? And they wouldn't be on my shelves or my envelope either? She has some issues and is kind of fragile, so I can't go in guns blazing but I feel like I should adress this issue. With the situation now I wouldn't feel comfortable having friend B back in my home. Am I overreacting? And if yes, please let me know how to deal better with this.

Marvellous You're a bastard! - me too. I'd be off like a shot.

The main thing is: do not try to change her, or engage her, or get an explanation from her.

She’s clearly lost perspective and a sense of boundaries. Nothing you say will alter that.

Just get away. Politely and with minimal drama. Resist all attempts to draw you in.

Thanks once more, I will try to work it out. How is the stance on telling her that I know what she did and I do not approve? Necessary or just more drama? I haven't texted her since dropping her off at the station this afternoon so completely blank slate, she doesn't know that I know about the snooping

Cut her off and never look back. She's not worth your time or friendship.

She is no friend of yours nor is she the person you thought she is.

No further messages of any sort should be sent from you and do not tell her anything. She is not worth further time and energy. Any further messages will open a door that should now at your end remain firmly closed. Resist all further attempts indeed to draw you back in and look again at your own (too low to date) boundaries.

Hi op you are a lovely friend. You tried hard to include her and make her feel welcome. Going through your stuff is not a sign she appreciates your efforts.

The neediness sounds like hard work have you posted about her before? Sounds familiar

Just putting it out there, but is there more to the relationship than friendship? Constantly texting/hugging/breaking you and a man up... maybe well off the ball but does she fancy you, and have you somehow given her the wrong impression hence the moodiness?

Not justifying her behaviour, even if that is the case it's still unacceptable. But maybe she thought it was more than a friendship?

Oh what a strange situation!

It was actually nice reading this thread, people genuinely offering advice and not just popping in to leave some sarcy comment.

Your friend knew others were going to be present, it’s like she was marking her territory with the hugs. And interfering when you where chatting to a male?

I assume you’re straight? Is there anyway she could have romantic feelings for you? That’s the vibe I got! She wanted you all to herself, you were the most familiar person in the room.

The snooping thing is beyond me, but from experience.. I’ve noticed that some people are very nosey.

She doesn’t seem to have a very mature mind if she thought ‘looking for gloves’ was sufficient. Along with the messsges she sends you. In other relationships in her life that must be how she gets attention, by suddenly having a dramatic response. That’s a calculated decision despite how fragile she is.

She does sound like a bit of a burden.

In your heart.. would you like her to be part of your life?

I re read this post this morning and as others have said I also got the feeling she may fancy u or have some kind of romantic feelings for u and also if she was staying the weeekend then why would she need gloves? I'm guessing u also had to apologise to your mum and other guests for her behaviour which isn't fair on u to be put in that position tbh. Was she drunk or anything? Sometimes people act strangely when they have had a few not saying that's an excuse just trying to build a picture of what the night was about. Either way give urself some time away from her and just enjoy ur Xmas. Next time u have a gathering and u aint sure how she will act don't invite her. Personally if I was invited to someone's house and they had a guest who acted like that I would find it strange and prob wouldn't want to be around her. And if I caught someone going through my bag I would hit the roof tbh I deffo wouldnt be happy. Don't be hard on urself if u want to cut her off she may be a lovley girl deep down but the behaviour speaks for itself and i do think she may have feelings for u x

Thank you all once again for your helpful replies and for giving me some perspective, I really appreciate it. I'll try to answer everything.
I haven't posted about her before as before this weekend I thought it was mostly in my head and I was the problem.
Now as you all bring it up, I am starting to see that she might fancy me. She is openly bisexual, I am fine with that and it never occurred to me that she might fancy me. I am straight and she knows that, I told her about men I was seeing, as you do with friends. Now I realise how she always tried to cut short these conversations. She mostly hugged me in front of others as to say "she's mine" or brought up inside jokes.
She's actually a few years older than me but doesn't act her age. She's a lovely girl but very high maintenance.
My friend who I had asked to assist her was miffed, my mum was livid. She also confronted her when she caught my friend going to her bag, my friend didn't say a word to me about this though. She didn't drink at the party. At all. Her behaviour kind of dragged down the mood though.
I have no idea what to do about all this

It's deffo not you that's the problem! U did everything you could to make her feel welcomed and included you didn't do anything wrong. I think she deffo does fancy you or something though but your not the problem here so please don't think it's something you did or that it's in your head. Is she the type that always needs to be centre of attention?maybe that was her problem it wasn't about her x

You are not responsible for this woman - at all
You need to detach and step back
So be busy.

Don’t text/ message her at all
Stop responding to her messages
And don’t ask her to yours again
Stop feeling guilty

You tried to do a nice thing but snooping through your stuff is unacceptable

I’m glad you’ve had time to reflect.

Your relationship sounds like it’s the beginning of a criminal minds episode if she continues this behaviour.

I’m sure she’s a lovely girl she’s just needs to sort herself out

Thanks for being so understanding. I think she likes being the centre of attention. We know each other from a shared interest (would be too outing as it's a small community but it's something creative). When she is having a bad time she messages some content creators on social media and then sends screenshots of the conversations to everyone.
I do worry about her but you are right, I need to worry about myself first. She's back to spamming me today but I haven't replied to her yet

She sounds like she is on her way to a breakdown to me.
If it were me I’d definitely want to bring it up with her( the shopping, not the fancying). I’d meet her ion neutral places. I couldn’t cut her off she sounds too vulnerable.
I realise so that’s the hard work option.

She sounds very unstable and clingy. I doubt it would be possible to continue a friendship with her without risk to your own stability and good mental health, so in your shoes I'd be cutting contact completely.

I agree with @Ohyesiam, I don't think cutting her out/ghosting is a nice thing to do as she does sound vulnerable. Maybe meet for a coffee and gently ask her about the night/situation, make sure nothing else is going on. She may go on the defensive if you ask if she fancies you etc. Don't don't bring that up unless necessary. If she knows your straight that should be enough.

I don't see the point in continuing with the friendship. she brings nothing to your life but her actions are detrimental to it and to the lives of those around you. She's a drain/vampire and out for herself. there's a reason she doesn't have any friends. I wouldn't ghost her as that would in all likelihood tip her over into crazy but I'd cut right back on messaging (frequency and content) and I'd certainly never meet her again. You're not her guardian.

It sounds to me like she has a crush on you and somehow thought that the weekend had the potential to be romantic. The reality curbed her enthusiasm somewhat. If she's obsessing about you, that would explain her snooping. She wants to know everything. She sulked because she wasn't alone with you. She was staking out her territory by physically touching you and interrupting your conversations. Her obsession with you extended to your mum hence rifling through her bag. She texts you all the time and ramps up if you don't reply quickly enough or with enough enthusiasm / effort. You're the only friend that takes time with her, is gentle and makes a big effort. You invited her for the weekend. She got the wrong end of the stick.

What do you want to do now? Do you want to take a step back? End the friendship? Talk to her about possible crush?

I am sporadically messaging her but making myself less available. I won't meet her anytime soon as she lives six hours away from me (one way). I don't want to tip her over the edge and I feel bad for letting her down, however my mental health is more important and it was hard work to get it to the (alright but not absolutely stunning perfect) point it's currently at. I will most certainly not invite her back to my home though. You are all very understanding and providing me with lots of different perspectives and I appreciate this so much. Also thanks for not flaming me

Could you meet her on neutral ground and just say (tactfully and sensitively obvs) what you've basically said in the OP and ask her what's going on? It may be helpful for her to talk about it, and also to know how her behaviour comes across to others.

It is all a bit weird, and going through your mum's bag is seriously out of order, no excuses for that.

I'd probably just blank her completely tbh, you don't need people like that in your life.

@eddielizzard
Do you really think it could be that extreme? I have invited her and have been completely honest with her. I told her it's a gathering with old and new friends, I told her she wouldn't be the only person sleeping over. She had all the information and insisted on coming. Also I never showed any romantic interest in her. The situation actually creeps me out a little the way you describe it

I would ghost this woman without a second thought and block her number.

If it was a bloke with these inappropriate advances no-one would bat an eyelid. She’s bloody hard work and you’re not responsible for her.

Cut her off and don’t look back. If she doesn’t have anyone else this tells you all you need to know tbh.

I’m with eddielizard

The way you’ve described it does have the potential to be that creepy.

How would you react if this was someone else’s thread? I was slightly on edge reading it, didn’t sit right with me.

As you say.. your mental health is priority.

This thread has actually been really refreshing because nobody went in on you. It’s nice

If it was a bloke with these inappropriate advances

All the uninvited, unwanted physical contact is deeply unpleasant - it's borderline sexual harassment.