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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do about this friend?

83 replies

BibbedyBobbedyBackToBed · 17/12/2018 20:52

Hello wise people of mumsnet.
I am looking for som advice on a friendship dilemma. I'll try not to dripfeed so this might be long. Ready to be told it's me and not her, but please be gentle.
This weekend I was hosting a little gathering for some old and new friends before christmas. It was at my place.
At my there were 4 people over the weekend: my mum who'd come over to help and see some of my childhood friends (she lives nearby), a male friend (let's call him A) who came from further away and a female friend B, who also traveled to attend the gathering, so slept over.
It was clear from the beginning that she wouldn't be my only guest and I left her a choice if she wanted to come. B insisted. During the party she sat in a corner and would ignore people trying to include her, even though I had asked one of my oldest friends to be her "assistant" so she wouldn't be alone while I was taking care of the other guests. She also mostly ignored/blanked my friend A over the weekend, despite them both staying at my house. So far so good, you can't like everyone, fair enough, but she seemed really annoyed and almost like a pouty toddler that she wasn't my only guest, even though that had been clear from the start.

However she was also really clingy, in a physical way. She was constantly trying to touch my hand or hug me from the back which I found uncomfortable. Maybe it's just me, I don't really like people touching me. She also tried to get "between" me and other friends, especially friend A, when we were talking as in physically seperating us and stopping the conversation, which I found kind of impolite. But once again, maybe she's insecure in social situations, I am too (if I weren't I wouldn't have to ask for advice on here).

The most odd thing however was, that I caught her going through my stuff twice. I had an envelope on my desk which I saw her flick through and quickly put away when entering the room and she looked through my shelves when she thought nobody was looking. I was ready to let it slide when this morning my mum texted me to tell me that she'd caught my friend going through her bag. When my mum confronted her she said she was "looking for her gloves" which strikes me as odd, why should my mum have them? And they wouldn't be on my shelves or my envelope either? She has some issues and is kind of fragile, so I can't go in guns blazing but I feel like I should adress this issue. With the situation now I wouldn't feel comfortable having friend B back in my home. Am I overreacting? And if yes, please let me know how to deal better with this.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 20/12/2018 13:52

Do not message her ‘about the weekend’. When you feel like it (and have left plenty of messages in between) send something like:

‘Thanks for your messages, so much going on, let’s speak in the New Year’ AND THEN BLOCK.

This gives her a time when she thinks you will get back in touch and although she will message you, you won’t know about it and she can’t pretend she thought you were dead when you don’t reply.

subspace · 20/12/2018 14:17

we need to talk about

No, you don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to.

"You behaved out of order and I will no longer stay in touch with you. I wish you all the very best for the future."

Then block immediately, ensuring it's on all channels.

Don't get into the whys, wherefores, excuses and drama. It's quick, it's clean, and the most kind, least drama way I can think of.

SleepWarrior · 20/12/2018 14:26

If you haven't the guts to send that other message, a slightly more cop out text could be:

"No, I really haven't got the energy to talk about the weekend, plus i am quite busy at the moment. Have a good Christmas period and perhaps speak at some point in the new year, we'll see."

BibbedyBobbedyBackToBed · 20/12/2018 15:15

Wow, thank you all for your replies and support, it's very appreciated. I was quite "harsh" yesterday and said I had a stressful week, so really no time to talk, she hasn't texted me as much today and I didn't reply yet, she insists however on "explaining why she messed up socialising this weekend and ruined my party", almost as she "enjoys playing guilty" if that makes sense (People still had fun by the way, she only ruined the party for herself). I am mostly going off grid over the holidays, beginning on Saturday, so I will be out of reach for a few days and I hope everything calms after that.

OP posts:
queenrollo · 21/12/2018 09:09

Her explanation will likely be full of emotional manipulation, instead of just admitting that she was wrong and shouldn't have done it.
She's probably not very self-aware about some of her behaviour, and if she is then she likely doesn't want to face up to it and get help.
If you can dial this friendship back to a level you are happy with, then do that (it seems from your posts that you would be most comfy with this) but every now and then step back and look at the bigger picture. Incidents in isolation are easy to minimise, looking at all of the incidents/contact a whole might make you realise that cutting her off completely is the way to go.
I hope you have a peaceful Christmas

KeysHairbandNotepad · 21/12/2018 09:44

I think you're doing the right thing in distancing yourself from her op. I had a similar person in my life ,attention seeking , constant contact and always lots of drama. I ended up doing a gradual retreat as others here have suggested to you.I've not seen her in about 5 years now. When I backed away she had her relatives text ,call and write to me and even wrote me a nasty letter herself , in a Christmas card of all things! It's all been quiet for the last couple of years though.

Stay strong , stay safe and don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for her.

BibbedyBobbedyBackToBed · 21/12/2018 10:20

Thanks for your replies :)
@queenrollo this is my approach right now, I think the message is slowly starting to sink in with my friend. My mum insists I call her out on the bag-incident as she is still quite upset and even more so after I told her she'd been going through my things as well. But after Christmas. I need some peace and quiet.

@KeysHairbandNotepad Thanks for reassuring me, it's good to hear from people who have been there and are better now. Of course it's not good that you've been there but that you got through it and it's all good now.

Happy Holidays to you all :)

OP posts:
subspace · 22/12/2018 10:06

Happy holidays to you too!

Just one final thought from me - your "friend" insists she had to explain to you, and your mum insists you call her out... in fact, you don't have to do anything that anybody else insists at all Smile

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