Lost

[Nevyn69]

Just over a week ago, my wife of 14 years and partner for 19 has told me she no longer loves me and wants to part ways.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, and this weekend she and our son (nearly 14) have gone away for the weekend to "give me some space to work my sh*t out".

I am at a complete loss as to how to even start.

I can't afford to move out and pay the mortgage as well, we can't afford to sell as we are early stages of renovations and she can't afford to move out or manage the house we have on her own as she has a part-time self-employed business, in fact has not has a regular income for close to 15 years.

I have fallen into the trap many do and her friends have become my only real friends other than a couple of close ones who live 100s of km away.

I am lost. I seem to be cornered into a hopeless situation with few options.

Every option I have looked at results in financial disaster, and yet, the only other options also look untenable.

I really am lost.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry!
I can't offer any advice, hopefully somebody will come along who can!
I just wanted to say, although it js shit now, you will get through this.

Could you see a solicitor today?

You mention friends, what about family? Siblings, parents to confide in?

@bigchris

Can't afford a solicitor, things are committed on the renovations that I can't back out of.

I have isolated all my family, they are much older than I am and pretty old school. I am 10 years younger and not a spring chicken myself.

How quickly could you get the renovation work shook up? If it were done would the house have more value? Could you live in a caravan or mobile home in the garden, crack on with the work, sell and both have a bit of money to start again?
Could you borrow from the bank to get the work finished and the house marketable?
Could you not sell it as it is as a doer upper or would this lead to massive loss of asset/negative equity?
There has to be a way around this. It's a matter of finding it.

@IWasTrendingThereForAMinute

The renos were for a "forever home", and extensive. They are already bank funded and were to be done in stages. Right now, a sale would result in a loss with funds owed on the mortgage based on my calculations.

The property is not suitable for a cabin or caravan. Small and steep.

The only option I have come up with that may work is cohabitation as "flatmates". But everything I have read says that is likely to be a disaster.

Do you think the building work has contributed to her feeling this way OP?

We have a self build and the stress has been terrible. We are OK as a couple thankfully but it has near broken my mind. How it has not split us apart is a miracle. It's a particular type of hell.

You have to stop trying to find the solution yourself and discuss it with her and let her take some responsibility for what happens next. This is not a situation where a unilateral decision should be taken.
If the only solution is that you try for a 'flatmate' style relationship to the point the propery is marketed then she needs to agree to that and agree to certain rules also. You can't make this decision alone OP. she will have to be onboard with it or it will be a nightmarish living hell.
How long would it take to get it finished?

I have no advice , im so sorry your going through this ive been there twice , i can indeed empathise, all i can say is that things work out eventually , good luck witfh everything

@IWasTrendingThereForAMinute

No, the reno work has been very stages and minimal disruption. And not a financial burden in its own right.

Being in a new town (just over 3.5 years here now) is probably the biggest contributor.

But it was mutual to move, and both were excited.

This has been "out of the blue", I did not see it coming. Although less close which I just put down to being together for nearly two decades, I did not contemplate it was this bad.

Renos can't be finished until the end of 2019 due to financing and resourcing.

Could you psychologically manage to live with her for the duration of the works?

I think you might need legal advice. Are you doing the work yourself or are builders etc doing it? Would you be out all day and able to live in one room or would you be there with her all day?
It sounds like a year of hell but then the place can be sold.
Could she move out ?

One reno that is nearly finished is an extra bedroom. I'd move into it as soon as it is finished (about 2 weeks away). Currently sharing a bed is torture and couch is not yet an option, not had "the talk" with our son yet.

I work all day. Out except for weekends and evenings.

All work is being done by builders. I simply don't have the skills.

I don't know if she could move out. If she did, then there is the issue of our son. Yet another complication and stress point.

Also, her business needs part of the completed renovations downstairs, without it, she could not earn even a part-time income.

I have paid for all her study and training over the last 15 or so years, which adds salt to open wounds.

You and your P absolutely need to sit down and talk and talk some more. Unless you are a real shit, then she owes it to you and not least your DS to work out with you the next moves. You are his dad. Would she see you on the streets? She cannot unilaterally tell you to leave.

She doesn't work ft I assume you are the main earner, how the hell does she expect the three of you to live? In 2 years you won't be legally financially responsible for your DS.

I think if she wants to part then ok but she has to be part of the planning and decision making for that

In the immediate term, get yourself some books on emotional intelligence, relationships and stuff, if you feel low call the Samaritans (not just for suicidal people) and tell your work, there must be one person at work you can confide a bit in? Isolation is not good for you at this point.

is There any way your wife could increase her hours/business. Your son is almost 14, I’m presuming he doesn’t need childcare or for your wife to be there at home whikst he’s at school.

Has your wife explained clearly to you why she wants to separate?
At the moment you’re probably feeling like a rabbit in headlights, but you will find your path through this.
I’m unsure what she meant by ‘sort your shit out’
Does she expect you to have moved out before she gets back? Also, in terms of legal advice, there’s not much you can sort over a weekend.

I also think that mum taking son away for weekend is saying ‘mumis the good guy, dad is the bad guy’ At almost 14, you both should be holding your sons hand through this. He doesn’t need a weekend away. I expect your son will be worrying about you the whole time, being left alone and told you’re not wanted anymore.

Are you and your wife fairly amicable most of the time? Is there any way you can see the work in house being done to the completion. This could add value to the house should a sale need to take place.

Whatever you’re feeling, don’t be frightened. It’s an adjustment, but you can do it.
I left my husband 12 years ago. He was an aggressive narcissist. I left him with everything. I just took the 3 children, a small amount of cash from the equity of the sale of family home and rented for 12 months. Best thing I ever did.

The new start was so invigorating once I’d got my head around it. I went back to work and stood on my own two feet. I’d much rather be by myself available for new opportunities, than live with someone who showed such little respect and was causing me to question myself as a person, as a mother.
Your son will of course prefer his parents to stay together, but if that can’t happen, he’d want you both to be happy.
As silly as it sounds, get a pen and paper and brain storm. At first, you’ll draw a blank. Ideas will come. Some will look promising and some will look gloomy, but the gloomy ones are the ones to avoid.

If you can, hand on your heart, say there’s nothing you can do to resolve your marriage, then let it go.

If you think there’s a chance, then go for it. What have you got to lose?
Maybe write a letter, but don’t write what you think you should or what you’ve said before. Let yourself go and write from the heart but apply no pressure. Show her you respect her and want what’s best for her. Don’t write all about yourself.
However she responds, accept it. Don’t question it.
I so hope some of this is helpful. You will be ok, so don’t lose sight of that

Ps, if you do try and resolve things, avoid flowers, sex, chocolates etc. So expected. Try something meaningful she won’t expect. Get into her heart if you can.

@Ozziewozzie

"Has your wife explained clearly to you why she wants to separate? "

All she said was "She no longer loves me or has any affection for me and has been deeply unhappy for a long time."

Paraphrasing her words, but almost a quote.

I have always been supportive, never abusive, aggressive or controlling. I have given her much room to develop her interests. She has been on many trips/courses for education and training. Her "vocation" seldom earns well, and I knew that and never expected her to financially contribute significantly. I supported her so she could follow what she wanted to do as a person.

Now I feel gutted and betrayed. 19 years of nothing. A forever home that we will sell. And a life that now has nothing as I close in on retirement age.

Just feel so lost. And no support network. Which I guess is what the internet now is.

Is there a way to make your own spaces within the house if it's currently unsellable?
Sorry this is happening, must be a lot to deal with on top of festive stuff.

Op others will respond with the emotional aspects. Your "forever" house is no longer needed. You need to be more pragmatic. The extra bedroom will make cohabiting easier. Stop the renovations after the bedroom is done. Then look at what the absolute minimum amount of work is required to make the house sellable at a profit. Get that done, sell and move on.

I completely understand why you feel so betrayed. Aside from gut wrenching, you must also feel so frustrated and bewildered.

I’m guessing that you’ve possibly both become comfortable in doing your own things and have lost the passion, the connection and the emotional communication.
Maybe your wife feels it’s lost because you don’t want that and she doesn’t know how to ask for it.
She’s told you she doesn’t love you but maybe she doesn’t love how you both have become? She’s wanting more than she has on an emotional level.
Sometimes people think ‘why should I ask for it?’ If we loved each other it would just happen.
Obviously don’t pounce on her. I just think ifvthe passion and emotional connection has been forgotten, then it can feel as though it’s lost. It’s hard to picture a feeling. You need to feel it.
If you find your wife attractive and you too have been ‘missing’ that connection, then dig deep and try and find it. Explain to your wife you completely understand what she means and why she feels that way, rather than how hurt or surprised you are.
Even if she stands her ground, at least you will know you’ve tried.

Marriage is hard. I know you’ve just had this landed on you and you’re in shock, but what have you done to fight for this? Maybe you don’t want to. Maybe you don’t feel safe enough to? But I would ask myself if, in time, looking back, do I wish I tried more?
If you feel that may happen, then try anything. If you get slapped down then you’ll never have that regret.

to "give me some space to work my sht out".*
WHAT????? Why do you have to get your shit together?
You are in shock and on an emotional roller-coaster right now.
She cannot expect you to just get over this and solve it all. And nor should you!
Honestly, she's had her head turned or she's cheating.
It's the script down to a tee.
Re-writing history with the 'I've been unhappy for years' crap!
Not in love with you anymore!!

Do not move out.
Do not come up with solutions to this.
This is HER doing.
She can come up with what she thinks is a good plan that will ensure you are all still financially stable.

In the mean-time, I suggest you find a local solicitor who offers a free half hour and get some practical advice.

But don't you do all the work trying to figure all this out.
It's down to her!

I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's a truly shit time.
Please get some real life support around you.

I would certainly seek legal advice. The last thing you want is for her to screw you over for the house once it's finished.

You might personally and financially be better to walk away from it all now. If you stay until the house is all done. You might have months of living hell and you might come out with next to nothing anyway but she gets to live in a lovely home.
I would get stuff signed now so you know at least legally where you stand regarding the house etc.

@DrMorbius

Finance was just resigned for a fairly long fixed term a couple of months ago, so break fees are going to be astronomical.

That is why we need to get a good price which means completed renovations. The reno being done was never for resale, so committing to a good long-term finance deal was not an issue when that was done.

Now it is. A significant one.

I am so sorry you are in this position.

From what you have said, this has come pretty much out of the blue for you. I think it's unreasonable of her to deliver this massive blow and then disappear for a weekend and expect you to "sort your shit out" whatever that means...

This is her decision. She needs to take responsibility for that, sit down with you, and figure out some logistics, not disappear. Then you both need to spend time with DS and talk him through what is happening.

She can't just deliver news like that, pop off and expect you to sort it all out.

@hellsbellsmelons

"Please get some real-life support around you."

I wish. 3.5 years in a new town and I know no one other than casually. Family estranged. Work, not appropriate.

I'm solo on this one. Other than online.

Would getting renovations done then renting out the house work as a longer solution? One of you living there with lodgers whilst renovations are completed? Or even a log cabin outside as accommodation (would need planning permission if it was to be lived in as ancillary accommodation).

If your wife is expecting you to miraculously come up with a solution to her bombshell she's a bit deluded. What was she expecting to happen when she announced this? What are her plans and ideas?