Lost

[Nevyn69]

Just over a week ago, my wife of 14 years and partner for 19 has told me she no longer loves me and wants to part ways.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, and this weekend she and our son (nearly 14) have gone away for the weekend to "give me some space to work my sh*t out".

I am at a complete loss as to how to even start.

I can't afford to move out and pay the mortgage as well, we can't afford to sell as we are early stages of renovations and she can't afford to move out or manage the house we have on her own as she has a part-time self-employed business, in fact has not has a regular income for close to 15 years.

I have fallen into the trap many do and her friends have become my only real friends other than a couple of close ones who live 100s of km away.

I am lost. I seem to be cornered into a hopeless situation with few options.

Every option I have looked at results in financial disaster, and yet, the only other options also look untenable.

I really am lost.

I have told her she needs to sleep downstairs. Some resistance, but then she complied.

Not much advice here apart from be kind to yourself and look out for your interests. It's often said to women in your situation don't do the pick me dance so I'm going to say it.... You don't deserve this and she's behaved appallingly. So sorry you're going through this..

Good for you OP, she needs to take responsibility for the changes she's put in motion, it's right that she is the one to move downstairs. How are you doing? Can't be easy dealing with practicalities when you must still be reeling from the shock.

She was probably hoping you move out whilst still funding everything.
Agree with pp do not move out and let her take some responsibility for her actions. Do not lose your own finacial stability especially as you said you are close to retirement.

Just agreeing with others that you shouldn’t relinquish your home. I appreciate that it is potentially fraught, but co habiting won’t fail if you both have the right attitude and learn to respect each other’s space. So she doesn’t want to be with you in a relationship anymore, fine. You have a child together and either of you leaving the house is financial suicide. Let her work through the problem and realise there is no reasonable solution and see where you go from there. I would prioritise your exit plan, get the Reno done as soon as you can, gradually start to build your own life outside her world over time. This too shall pass.

Just thinking about the fact that your wife has been pursuing a long course of study with trips away etc.

Courses of study leading to a new career in later life are often littered with broken relationships. Particularly for women, who may have delayed a career or further education for a number of reasons, this can be a really turbulent time. Being surrounded by like minded people, often at a cross road in their own lives, can cause some people to question everything that has gone before.

Just striking out, becoming more independent and choosing a new path can change a perspective on life - particularly friendships and relationships. Do you think this could have contributed to your wife's sudden apparent dissatisfaction with your relationship?

Spoken to a solicitor. Now working on a plan to buy her equity in the house. There was a lot I didn't know about how relationship property is split, and it doesn't sound as bad as I envisaged.

What she does is not my concern, as long as I have stability and time to rebuilt my life after this devastating blow.

Thanks to everyone who has commented and supported me on the journey.

Hopefully you can move forward OP.
I'm glad she agreed to sleep downstairs.
You should NOT be turfed out because of her decisions.
I hope you can get the house sorted soon.
Well done. Keep strong.
As PP said, do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.

Good luck OP.

So, I am progressing things. e.g. getting a valuation on the house, working on budgets, planning how we will deal with custody. This is all for a "proposal", in no way telling her what to do.

Problem is, she still won't say what her plans or intentions are or what she actually wants to do.

I feel like in limbo. I want to push on and get this over with and there is complete silence on the subject.

We still share meals, watch TV, drink wine. We even have a bit of small talk, although my energy and enthusiasm is long gone.

For me, it is a holding pattern. I have rewritten a future in my head, one without her.

But now there is no communication on the subject. I feel like I should just tell her to move out as the arrangement is simply not working.

So sorry to read your story and can appreciate your shock and sheer bewilderment at whats happening. My 14 year marriage ended out of the blue and I thought i’d never get over it but I did and i’m a much better relationship now. This difficult time will pass and you will feel happy again. Have you any hobbies to help you meet new people?
Strange she has gone silent on the arrangements - do you think she is surprised that you have got on with it? Great if you can buy her out and stay in your home. How has your son taken it? Are you close to him?

I saw a similar pattern with a friend. His wife had "checked out" (met someone else) but it was still convenient for her to stay and take advantage so she did. I'm with you regarding the moving out and getting on with it. The current situation must be upsetting for you. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, hopefully it will be better soon.

To progress things see if there are enough "grounds for unreasonable behaviour" to issue a divorce petition.

You can't force her to move out until you are divorced and the financial settlement is sorted.

She has moved out. I am still primarily caring for our son, although she will be coming in mornings to get him to school as I leave for work very early.

Still working through finances. But it is looking like I can keep the house, although for the next 3-5 years it is going to be a struggle financially.

Once again, thanks to everyone for the sound advice and support.

I’ve read through your whole thread OP and I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this and how much I admire your seemingly stoic approach. I hope that your wife moving out is a chance for you to move on some more with your own life. Your son is lucky to have you

You have a direction now and can make plans and a future, different to what you had perhaps envisioned in the past, but your life will open and blossom.

Nearly a year later, after much silence from the other party, and legal errors by solicitors years previously, I walk away with basically nothing. A bit of debt. No money.

She gets the house.

And she gets my family. Family sided with her, somehow. The world is a strange place. If I was an abusive husband I could understand. Nope.

My resilience has been broken, moved away from the town, left the house, took only what I could in a single carload.

Spent my 50th birthday alone in a flat of strangers. Nice folk, but they didn't know.

And have decided to make the hard call. Fresh start. Cut off all ties.

I'm sure they will have a nice life. With their new man that half the town knew about. I was one of the last to know.

Sadly, I also walk away from my son. Collateral damage. Maybe one day that rift can be repaired.

Still flying solo. Closest person 2 hours drive away.

Tomorrow is another day. A new day. In six months I will be 700 miles away in a different island, and definitely a brand new life!

Your son is 'collateral damage'? Nice.

If that's how you think I'm not surprised your family sided with your ex.

God Mothership, how about you shut up. Sanctimonious spite seems to all you are good for. Nasty, spiteful, cruel.

I'm sorry for the OP that his relationship has broken down and he has been financially disadvantaged but why is that a reason for no longer having anything to do with his child?

And describing his child as collateral damage is at the best thoughtless and clumsily worded, or it says something about the OP's attitude that does not look good.

Why on earth aren’t you walking away from your son? Whatever else has happened, your role as father is critical.

I am so so sorry OP. Sounds like she stitched you up good and proper, well before you knew anything about her plans. I'm glad you've managed to get out and have a fresh start, and a relatively positive attitude towards the future.

I would say though, whatever has happened, always be there for your son. I'm assuming if you're talking about a rift that you're possibly not on the best of terms right now, but he needs to know that whatever he feels and believes about you at the moment, you've never stopped loving him.

Best wishes for the future.

I'm sorry OP, I thought there was probably another man in the background.

Wishing you all the best, you will be fine, not today or tomorrow but one day!

I don't think I could just walk away from child.
I know he's 15 but that's still young and he still needs his dad.
Or has he decided to go NC with you?
I'm sorry you got shafted.
I'm not surprised though.
She sounded pretty callous from the start.
But onwards and upwards OP.
I really hope you can rebuild yourself a good life.

Why are you walking away from your son! Your marriage is over but you’re still a dad!!!