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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lost

84 replies

Nevyn69 · 14/12/2018 07:39

Just over a week ago, my wife of 14 years and partner for 19 has told me she no longer loves me and wants to part ways.

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, and this weekend she and our son (nearly 14) have gone away for the weekend to "give me some space to work my sh*t out".

I am at a complete loss as to how to even start.

I can't afford to move out and pay the mortgage as well, we can't afford to sell as we are early stages of renovations and she can't afford to move out or manage the house we have on her own as she has a part-time self-employed business, in fact has not has a regular income for close to 15 years.

I have fallen into the trap many do and her friends have become my only real friends other than a couple of close ones who live 100s of km away.

I am lost. I seem to be cornered into a hopeless situation with few options.

Every option I have looked at results in financial disaster, and yet, the only other options also look untenable.

I really am lost.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nevyn69 · 14/12/2018 11:02

@Honeybee79

Yes, no clue. I knew we were not as close as we once were, but after nearly 20 years together, I assumed that was normal.

Maybe I was just dense and didn't see the signs.

OP posts:

anotherfail · 14/12/2018 11:15

I'm so sorry. This sounds really hard.

Your wife is so much further ahead with you in all this.

Totally agree with the others. This isn't your shit to sort out. It needs to be discussed and a path worked out together.

I think she is being unnecessarily cruel. You are going to have to toughen up I'm afraid or a few years down the line you may find yourself financially in a bad situ. I think she's planned this for a while. She's waited until the finances on house renovations are in place and intends to have the work done and stay there. You need to work out the financial loss if calling a halt on it all now and balance that against the long term result. I would seriously advise getting legal advise as from the situation you are describing your wife is now only thinking of herself.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I am sorry you are hurting. I just would hate you to get shafted on top of all that.

Honeybee79 · 14/12/2018 11:32

I agree with @anotherfail. Don't allow yourself to be blindsided by the shock and huge emotional blow. She didn't just wake up one day and decide this and she's aware of the financial position re the house.

RandomMess · 14/12/2018 12:04

It's very clear you will have to cohabit until either you divorce and/or the renovations are completed, financially you don't have a choice.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 12:12

Without wanting to open up old wounds, why are you estranged from your family?
Could bridges be re-built?

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 14/12/2018 16:57

Is it worth speaking to the company/bank you are financing with? Are you in a cooling off period? Maybe re-finance the finance to make it more comfortable for you? It might help to speak to your own bank manager or an independant. It's surprising what you can get sometimes if you ask.
I agree it sounds like she waited until you are tied in and you need to find anger as anger will help you through this to a degree.

Could you change the deal so it can all be done in a really short span of time. If a promise of immediately marketing the property once it's done is on the table the company would know it's going to get the money back.

BackInTheRoom · 14/12/2018 18:33

'Sort your shit out' ? Wow! Now that's cruel! Agree with other, She should be sorting this shit out with you!

Wrongwayup · 14/12/2018 18:43

Know exactly how you feel. No advice as in need of it myself but huge sympathy

Original poster

Nevyn69 · 14/12/2018 19:16

@hellsbellsmelons

"why are you estranged from your family"

Distance and age gap. Parents long since passed. Never been close to any family.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/12/2018 19:17

Agree with several PP's, your strategy now needs to be to quietly go about getting good legal advice and protecting yourself from being shafted. She has been planning her future for some time and you need to catch up fast and start safeguarding your own.

From an emotional perspective focusing on practicalities might actually help, as will allowing yourself to feel angry about the way she's gone about it. And as for 'sort your shit out', I suggest you place the problem of wtf to do now about living arrangements etc firmly and completely back in her lap on her return, let her sort out the shit she created.

Your priority has to be protecting yourself now, she's dropped this bombshell, seemingly without giving you any previous opportunity to resolve whatever problems there are in your relationship and with absolutely no kindness or compassion for the person she's spent the last two decades with. Unless there's an entirely different story here from her side (and of course that's possible) that's cold and unnecessarily cruel and that means you need to be in total self preservation mode.

Original poster

Nevyn69 · 15/12/2018 00:14

Thank you, everyone. You have been amazing and given me a lot to think about.

I am seeing a solicitor next week. And coming up with a "cohabitation
charter" as a starting point for when she comes home.

Also revisiting plans around reno, to see what we can do quickly to get at least a break-even price so we both walk away without debts.

OP posts:

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 15/12/2018 06:23

I think you are wise. Legal advice so it's all set out at this stage as to what's happening and try and get the work done ASAP. I wonder if your wife has already had advice but the fact that she has just gone away and told you to get your shit together makes me think she possibly hasn't. Just a gut feeling but it sounds like she is waiting for you to do all the hard work just tell her what's happening on her return maybe?
Don't be a mug and hang around just to facilitate the work being done for her benefit alone. Insist the place be sold at the end or she buys you out at the uplifted value.
As others have said, she is way ahead of you on this and you getting tied in to this project is a shitty trick of hers when she has said she has felt this way for a long time. I would be raging as you have been financially abused really.

Villagelifer · 15/12/2018 07:18

OP it sounds like you're heading in the right direction and seeing a solicitor and getting things defined.
I would just add that it's not your responsibility to sort things out for her, only for yourself. I agree with PP who said she appears to want you to "sort it out". It must be so hard for you to not think of her as a partner if you didn't see this coming but it sounds like she's detached so you need to do the same.

RandomMess · 15/12/2018 11:58

It does sound suspicious that she needs the property for her job, has felt this way for a long time and suddenly wants to split.

I would wonder if she has already met someone else and has now decided she wants to be single so she can persue a new relationship.

She may well be banking on being main carer and getting to stay in the property... however the courts look at needs and you both need to be housed and if there isn't enough money for her to stay and you to leave then selling the property can be forced.

Original poster

Nevyn69 · 16/12/2018 02:17

She wants me to move out of the bedroom. I am struggling with this. Some mornings I am up at 4am for work. Why should I be the one "put out"? Why should I sleep on a camp stretcher?

She can move into her studio downstairs? Surely?

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 04:16

Unless there's sme=

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 04:16

Sorry!

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 04:16

Sorry!

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 04:18

Unless there's some disabilit y

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 04:18

Unless there's some disabilit y

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 04:19

Blooody hell!

Original poster

Nevyn69 · 16/12/2018 04:30

@NotTheFordType ummm..... ;)

OP posts:

Cambionome · 16/12/2018 08:26

How old is she? Maybe it's time for her to let go of her dream business that doesn't make any money and go out and get a job!

I had to do exactly this recently (at the age of 58) and managed to get something that can support me reasonably well. She can't have it all ways!

RandomMess · 16/12/2018 09:25

I would suggest the options you are prepared to agree with:

Take it turns on the put out 😉
She has the studio
You have the studio as your bedroom.

Specify the hours you expect the studio to be yours and how much she will have tidy it up to make room for your stuff.

It sounds like she is expecting you to move out and her keep the house until DS is 18. You need to be firm that there isn't enough money for either of you to move out long or short term so the house will be sold.

Is the studio essential to her job, what did she do before this house?

user1486915549 · 16/12/2018 09:48

It is totally pointless for her to continue running a “ business “ that doesn’t make any money.
The most important thing is to see a solicitor, protect your financial position, and tell her the house will be sold.
She will have to get a job if she doesn’t want you there any more paying the bills.

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