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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husband & the anonymous text?

97 replies

workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:31

Hi everyone, I have been on mumsnet for a while but never posted before and seriously need advice as I cannot talk to anyone else about this. Me and DH have been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have 2 DC together.

Recently I was approached on the school run and a mum came up to me and told me that DH was having an affair with another mum at the school, I confronted him about this and he just denied everything. Since then, I have been doubting everything and there are a lot of things he hides from me, here are some of them:

  1. He NEVER leaves his phone alone around me or lets me use it, and I do not know the password.
  2. He goes away for 'work' a lot of weekends, and also during week nights too.
  3. He doesn't make much time for me and our kids, whenever I go out with kids he never wants to come.
  4. He also refers to previous conversations he 'thinks' we have, but we never had these conversations.
  5. We never do anything just the two of us, I can't remember the last time we went on a date.

Our relationship hasnt been great for a while but I really do love him and want to make things work. If I accuse him of cheating without any evidence I feel like he will turn our DC against me.

I recently received a text message from a number I don't know saying he is having an affair with another woman and they have been on and off for at least 5 years.

Money is tight at the moment, he has had unsuccessful businesses in the past and if I was to leave him he would have nowhere to go as he has no close family and doesn't earn a great deal of money at the moment.

Any advice would be seriously appreciated x

OP posts:
Beeebop · 13/12/2018 16:40

Bless you. I would say trust your gut here the phone behaviour, being away with work, not spending time as a family or together is a major red flag. I would ring the number and see what the other person says. You could have all the evidence you need to confront him, and why feel guilty he has no where to go or much money? If he's done the dirty he hasn't got respect or commitment for you so don't pity him. Hard I know but you are worth more xx

Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:40

anyone?

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 13/12/2018 16:41

Trust your instinct. I knew a man who was having multiple affairs. His wife took the option of burying her head in the sand despite her knowing of at least two of them. I think she was so worn down by his lies that she had lost all sense of reality. Very sad really.

DrFoxtrot · 13/12/2018 16:43

Is there any way of confirming that he is actually working away?

Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:44

Beeebop Thank you for your response, I replied to the number and have also tried to call them but nobody picks up, strange really x

OP posts:
hohohobags · 13/12/2018 16:44

Is it likely that he needs to be away for work at the weekend? I've only been away on weekend very occasionally, if I was setting up a conference or had to fly Sunday night. Does he work in hospitality ?

Do you think the person that approached at the school is the same person who text you? They could be telling the truth or for some reason stirring it up. Try putting the number into your address book and checking whats app or searching the number on Facebook.

Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:45

I would rather get evidence before I confront him because he really will throw this back in my face and make our kids hate me for breaking up our family. Is there anyway I can do this?

DrFoxtrot I am always looking after the kids so not sure how I could follow him? Any suggestions would be great!

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 13/12/2018 16:45

He would go to the ow obviously - why do you worry more about what would happen to him? Worry about you /dc if you stay!!
He doesn't sound like an actual part of your family tbh.

Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:53

hohohobags He works for an accountancy firm

OP posts:
Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:55

Snowwontbelong I have no proof that he is seeing ow though. if i leave him with no evidence he will try to turn DC against me

OP posts:
Cawfee · 13/12/2018 16:56

Get evidence and get your ducks in a row. Use this time wisely. Go see a solicitor. Get copies of everything. Make sure things are in your name that need to be etc

Chillyegg · 13/12/2018 16:59

I think if a mum on the school run came to you , Your definitely the last one to know and probably it’s common knowledge and she was trying to be kind to help you out. So look through bank activity . Check for a secret phone. Check emails work computer pictures. Sometimes phone sink up to computer. (That’s how I found out my ex was having an affair) call his work ask why he’s working away etc. Kick the fucker out he sounds crud

Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 16:59

Cawfee I dont have the money to see a solicitor, what would happen with custody of dc if no evidence of cheating?

OP posts:
Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 17:01

Chillyegg thank you for your response, if he was to have a secret phone then why does he always hide his normal phone from me? He doesnt have a work computer at home and never works from home, I don't know any of his passwords so wouldnt be able to access his emails. I think all of the evidence would be on his phone but he would never let me near it x

OP posts:
DrFoxtrot · 13/12/2018 17:02

Do you speak to him while he's away? What about FaceTime or Skype? Can you confirm that he's at a hotel somehow by calling them. Or is there any way of finding out from his workplace if this amount of working away is correct. Maybe pretend you're booking a weekend away as a surprise when you know he'll be working away and use that as an excuse to speak to a secretary.

Maybe I'm getting carried away but there must be ways to do a little digging.

DrFoxtrot · 13/12/2018 17:03

Could you accidentally lose your phone and have to borrow his one evening?

Yinv · 13/12/2018 17:04

Confronting him after having been told twice that he’s been having an affair isn’t without any evidence though. That in itself is the evidence. It’s not like you’re just saying randomly that he is cheating.

golddustwomen · 13/12/2018 17:05

Definitely agree with a pp about saving the number and looking for a pic on WhatsApp.
Can't you also approach this lady at school and ask her for all the info?

Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 17:06

DrFoxtrot I could try the losing my phone thing but he would never let me near his phone. We don't really speak much while he is away (do not facetime or skype) as I assume he is busy doing work, and he doesnt tell me where he is staying, he just says its for his firm or he is helping a friend with some work. I would feel very awkward if I was to ring his work and highly doubt they would tell me anything as to how often he works ect

OP posts:
Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 17:07

Yinv I confronted him about the school mum coming up to me and he denied everything

OP posts:
Original poster
workingmummy2018 · 13/12/2018 17:07

golddustwomen Tried this just now and nothing coming up on whatsapp. Does that mean they dont have it? x

OP posts:
Screamqueenz · 13/12/2018 17:11

It's unusual for an accountant to work weekends, where does he says he's going?

Annasgirl · 13/12/2018 17:12

I’m sorry but this sounds so off. How do you mean you don’t talk if he is away and you don’t know where he is? My DH and I are not in each other’s pockets but we always know where the other one is working or sleeping!! Even my DM and DF who were very laissez faire, always knew where the other was staying, my DF worked away a lot, pre mobile phones, my DM always had a number to call him on.

DrFoxtrot · 13/12/2018 17:12

Go back to the school mum and ask for facts/ proof. Do you know the area/ town that he goes to work away? Its normal for a partner to say the hotel name/ town in case of emergencies. Not to keep it secret.

The other option is going down the route of voice activated recorders or tracking devices in his car. But I think there are simpler ways to get info first.

frankexchangeofviews · 13/12/2018 17:14

Suggest paring your phone with his so that you can find each other when out shopping or whatever. I have my phone paired with husbands. And it’s very handy because we have small kids and both work so it’s helpful when trying to coordinate pick ups , dinner time etc. See how he reacts...