Cheating husband & the anonymous text?

[workingmummy2018]

Hi everyone, I have been on mumsnet for a while but never posted before and seriously need advice as I cannot talk to anyone else about this. Me and DH have been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have 2 DC together.

Recently I was approached on the school run and a mum came up to me and told me that DH was having an affair with another mum at the school, I confronted him about this and he just denied everything. Since then, I have been doubting everything and there are a lot of things he hides from me, here are some of them:

1. He NEVER leaves his phone alone around me or lets me use it, and I do not know the password.
2. He goes away for 'work' a lot of weekends, and also during week nights too.
3. He doesn't make much time for me and our kids, whenever I go out with kids he never wants to come.
4. He also refers to previous conversations he 'thinks' we have, but we never had these conversations.
5. We never do anything just the two of us, I can't remember the last time we went on a date.

Our relationship hasnt been great for a while but I really do love him and want to make things work. If I accuse him of cheating without any evidence I feel like he will turn our DC against me.

I recently received a text message from a number I don't know saying he is having an affair with another woman and they have been on and off for at least 5 years.

Money is tight at the moment, he has had unsuccessful businesses in the past and if I was to leave him he would have nowhere to go as he has no close family and doesn't earn a great deal of money at the moment.

Any advice would be seriously appreciated x

what would happen with custody of dc if no evidence of cheating?

The same as would happen even if there was evidence of cheating. Thankfully the courts believe that maintaining a good relationship with both parents is what is best for children regardless of the reason for their parents relationship breakdown.

I wonder why you are so concerned about him being able to turn your children against you? Even if he was having and affair - he would have the same capacity to lie and influence them. I would also hope that you would not be telling children about the reasons behind your split in any case. Children do not need to know this and research has shown that they not only prefer not to know, but apportioning blame has a detrimental impact on children's mental health.

Not letting you anywhere near his phone is a major red flag. I'm rubbish at keeping my phone charged and quite often have to ask my OH if I can use his - if he said no I wouldn't be in a relationship with him for much longer.

Accountancy firm? Working away regularly at weekends is fairly unlikely then - maybe going somewhere on a Sunday night to be there for a Mon morning start but otherwise....

It sounds like you're living as strangers anyway. You don't know where he sleeps or where he goes? How strange. I would say with what you have said that he is playing away. He could be living a whole double life with the amount of time he is away and you don't speak to hin

OP the mum who approached you might be the one? so if you ask her for evidence....gird yourself.

sorry this is happening to you.

Do you know the Mum who is apparently the OW? Or can you find out who she is?
If you know where she lives, could you drive past when your husband is supposed to be working?

Can you ring his work when he is "away" and ask for a contact number? Or to confirm that he does actually work away?

Have you thought about asking a private investigator to trace his movements?

But the easiest way, is to go and ask the supposed OW!

Go back to the school mum and ask how she knows.

I'm afraid I thought the same as Grace212. She's trying to get him to leave you but he's too cowardly to do it. You could set a honey trap? If he is cheating on you, he's unlikely to be faithful to one other. I am so sorry you are going through this

It sounds like he's been living a double life for about 5 years from what you post.
It's rare a spouse hasn't time to contact their partner when working away, even if it's goodnight from his hotel room.
Something very fishy here, you don't trust him and you are probably right.

Why is money tight when he's "working" all these extra hours?

Also a PP is correct, reasons for divorce has nothing to do with child access (or even the financial settlement).

I would go and find that woman tomorrow and ask her to come round for a coffee. I'd ask her to tell me absolutely everything she knows.

Your husband is clearly up to something and he's checked out of your marriage. You really need to think seriously about whether you could manage financially without him. Don't worry about him having 50:50 custody - he will threaten this but he doesn't want to spend time with his DC now - he certainly won't if he's kicked out.

What does he propose you do to get hold of him if he's away and there's some kind of emergency at home?

What if you had an emergency whilst he was away ? Can you not connect with him. At all ? Is his mobile bill online ? Could you see it ? May odd spendings in the bank account ? Accountancy is an off profession for weekend workings ....

Also, you seem to be very worried about what he'll do, especially wrt the kids. It doesn't sound like he's all that great at all, tbh.

If he works away a lot then why doesn't he have a work laptop? Seems very odd to me! Sorry you're going through this. Hope you get answers soon.

Try putting the number into your contacts and naming it something random like "Molly" or something. Then go onto Whatsapp and make as if you were to send a message to them, scroll down the contact list until you find them, you may be able to tell who they are from a profile picture.

Did the school Mum say who with? How does she know? Can you see the link between your DH and the OW or indeed the School Mum? Do you have any reason to doubt her story? It would take an awful lot for me to come up and say that to another woman.

I would not necessarily be approaching the supposed other woman as a first step. If you are wrong it sends your relationship downward spiral into overdrive with the wrongly accused woman might indignant and maybe causing trouble with your husband.

If you are right she may or may not admit it but would certainly alert your husband to the fact you are on their tracks. If she denies the affair it gives him time to cover his tracks.

I would first of all look for hard evidence ..eg if you got a photo of his car outside her house or them coming out of a hotel looking like a couple or confirmation from the hotel that he's sharing a room with some one.

If you could afford a private investigator this type of evidence is quite easy to obtain if somethings going on. If too expensive do your own digging. If the person who said your husband's having an affair isn't just a trouble maker she is probably willing to give you hard evidence or why would she tell you. If you can get the woman's address off her or where they supposedly meet up you could wait discreetly and get the photo evidence you need.

Why does he need to be cheating for you to end the relationship. How old are your children?

If he drives his car to these weekends and nights away then a cheap obd port tracker will tell you exactly where he is
You will need access to his car for a literally a few minutes to fit the blog in via your phone or pc to see where he is via GPS

Cost about £20

Why don’t you just ask to look at his phone? If he refuses and doesn’t hand it over straight away then you have your answer.

If he instantly gives it to you then great

You will drive yourself mad. He won’t turn the kids against you.

Sorry darn spell check
Fit it then log in via your phone or pc

You need to be smart. You’ve already told him you suspect him, so now he will try to be discreet, that will not last.

In the meantime, check bank statements, phone records, emails, or anything you can get access to. I found out I was the OW many years ago when I found a receipt in his car for petrol from a town, he had told me he was at home that day, receipt told me he wasn’t.

Has he started dressing to impress, wearing cologne or showering more?
Has he changed any routines?
His he secretive?

Trust your gut and start looking for signs. Offer to meet him from work or meet at lunchtimes and see if his reaction tells you more than words.

Sorry to be crude, but how’s your love life? If he’s getting lots from a new girlfriend, he will not want to bang you. Have you had sex this month? This year or upon thinking about it was it last Christmas?

Is he nice, still paying you compliments or stroking your feet (or whatever is ‘normal’ for you as a couple)

If he is cheating, there will be clues.
Or maybe the mum who gave you the heads up is wrong, or just malicious. Maybe it’s the other Emily’s dad who is the cheat.

Don’t do anything regarding solicitor until you have established some facts.

If you don’t trust him, maybe this relationship is over anyway.

I think Kenny has a point. And you have cause to ask him, even if it's not true, because he knows you've been told by the school mum. If there genuinely is no evidence of cheating on his phone, you can explain that you needed to check for your own sanity's sake because of the amount of opportunity he has (ie. away from home so much) and suggest this is an overdue opportunity to address the lack of contact and communication in your marriage. It's not healthy, he's avoidant and absent far too much.

If you do find evidence on the phone, well, it'll be the beginning of the end. Are you ready for that? You say you love him, which suggests you're going to struggle with the real implications of evidence. I hope you'll be be ok, this is horrible.

Either way, as other posters have said, it's not acceptable that he does all this working away and has little or no contact or contactability with you and the kids during his absences. He has got it all his way, you have to do something now.

What accountant spends so many nights and weekends working away but for one doesn't have a work laptop and for two doesn't have any money?

Type the number that text you into Facebook messenger. If it's linked to someone's account you will find out who that person is.