Cheating husband & the anonymous text?

[workingmummy2018]

Hi everyone, I have been on mumsnet for a while but never posted before and seriously need advice as I cannot talk to anyone else about this. Me and DH have been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have 2 DC together.

Recently I was approached on the school run and a mum came up to me and told me that DH was having an affair with another mum at the school, I confronted him about this and he just denied everything. Since then, I have been doubting everything and there are a lot of things he hides from me, here are some of them:

1. He NEVER leaves his phone alone around me or lets me use it, and I do not know the password.
2. He goes away for 'work' a lot of weekends, and also during week nights too.
3. He doesn't make much time for me and our kids, whenever I go out with kids he never wants to come.
4. He also refers to previous conversations he 'thinks' we have, but we never had these conversations.
5. We never do anything just the two of us, I can't remember the last time we went on a date.

Our relationship hasnt been great for a while but I really do love him and want to make things work. If I accuse him of cheating without any evidence I feel like he will turn our DC against me.

I recently received a text message from a number I don't know saying he is having an affair with another woman and they have been on and off for at least 5 years.

Money is tight at the moment, he has had unsuccessful businesses in the past and if I was to leave him he would have nowhere to go as he has no close family and doesn't earn a great deal of money at the moment.

Any advice would be seriously appreciated x

To be honest.
He sounds truly vile.
Why are you even bothering?
He's less than useless.
He brings nothing to the relationship.
Please just cut and run.

He doesn’t do anything with you and the kids. He won’t let you near his phone. You don’t know where he goes on these weekends away and don’t speak to him while he is away. He would turn the kids against you if you split.

You say you want to make it work with him, but doesn’t sound like there is much to work with?

Does he have good points too?

Thank you for all your messages, I just don't know what to do. I know it does sound like he has been cheating I just don't want to accuse him and get it wrong.

As has been said already, affair aside, he's useless.
You can end a relationship for any reason you want.

Why not put a cheap phone in his car, so you can see its location. You will quickly see if there is a pattern to where his car goes when away from home.

I'm pretty sure that if a mum and someone random text you saying your husband is having an affair then he is most likely having an affair.
You sound like you're in denial.

Obviously it's good to have confirmation, but I think it's already starting to look obvious that he's having an affair.

I was married to a serial cheater.
Your husband’s behaviour sounds very suspicious.
Unfortunately for me , no kind soul took me to one side and told me, so he got away with it for years.
Mine played the good father. The generous husband. So I had no need to be suspicious
I was totally blind sided
Once you’re onto him, you’ll see how careless they become.

He is cheating, you are not wrong. Being away and not telling you where is strange enough. But it actually sounds like you're scared of him. If I told my husband I thought he was having an affair he would hand his phone straight over. Why are you so scared to ask to see his phone? There is no transparency with this man.

Even if he does try to turn the kids against you it will only serve to make him look very bad in court. The courts don't like that at all. And given he is 'working' away so much I doubt he is going to go after 50/50 custody. And op, your kids are smarter than you think. Give them some credit. They have one parent who is never around and won't spend time with them, and one who is there for them and gives them consistency. They are not going to turn on you.

Get rid of him and stop worrying if you are wrong. This man is no good.

Do you have access to his bank account/have joint account? Anything odd there?

Have u tried asking another person to ring the number? 141 and WhatsApp u can change ur account so only your contacts can see your profile. I'm not sure if u can still search numbers up via Facebook but u used to be able to and the profile linked to that number used to come up although they have changed there privacy policy recently. It would drive me insane. But on the other hand sometimes people do talk crap n say untrue things. This number that txt u makes me wonder where they got ur contact details from! Obviously someone is very keen for u to know he's cheating. It's a tough one really but either way I wouldn't be happy. My ex was the same with his phone sneaky he ran off with the butty woman from work and i had no idea there was anything going on. I hope ur ok op hang in there. Just to add they txt u but won't pick up the phone when u ring now that is strange makes me think it's someone u know specially if they have ur number. If they was telling the truth then why ignore when u ring? Just be careful op xxx

It really doesn’t sound like you’ve got it wrong, you’re listening to your gut. The likelihood of him having all these trips and stopovers is so basically impossible.

I find the text extremely hurtful and a weird thing to do, and if the other mum said that to you from a place that was not nasty I seriously think you need to grab her next time you see her.

This is such a shit time for this all to be happening but this is your mental health suffering. Are you close with family?

Text the number and ask who
It is and if you can talk? Ask the school mum if you can go around and talk? Does she have messages etc if so can you see them

he would never let me near his phone. We don't really speak much while he is away (do not facetime or skype) as I assume he is busy doing work, and he doesnt tell me where he is staying

That plus having checked out of family life and parenting kind of says it all really - that he has no respect for you and this relationship is over.

You don't need proof to end things and where he stays is not your responsibility.
I'd have asked for the name of this other woman and gone and spoke to her myself and see what my instinct tells me.

Either way, he's checked out of your marriage so why bother trying to find 'proof' of cheating when you already have a perfectly viable reason to end things properly?

Sorry op it really doesn't sound good

If he works so much how come he has no money? Honestly, the relationship sounds awful, what do you get from it? You don't need any proof of cheating to leave him, being unhappy is reason enough. Tell him that you are unhappy and that you are not willing to continue like this. ❤️

a mum came up to me and told me that DH was having an affair with another mum at the school
How does she know? Did she tell you who? Is it her? Is she the OW and trying to split you up so he'll come to her? A bit of a coincidence that you get a phone call shortly afterwards, if it's been going on for years.

It does not really matter if he is cheating or not as it sounds like your relationship is in bad shape anyway.
It is not normal or healthy for one partner to have so much power eg refusing to lend you a phone, going away without giving you any details, etc. Not ringing you when away is awful too.
Sorry OP but doesn't sound like he loves you.
Time to start making plans to leave

You won't get it wrong.
He is cheating on you.

So arrange for you and the kids to see him this weekend, if he has planned to stay away...It's weird how you're not bothered about where he is when he not with you and the fact you have no desire to communicate with him? Are you sure you love him anymore?

From your original post. He is having an affair.

That's clear.

Put yourself and the children first. You don't need a deceitful husband and they don't need to be exposed to a loveless marriage.
He will find somewhere if you are brave enough to tell him to leave. He doesn't deserve your future. He has the 'other woman'.
Make a new life for yourself with the children. Don't look back.

OP you need to speak to the school mum and try and get a name for the OW

1. No proper parent or spouse will try to turn the children against you. If that's true, it says more about his awful character than anything else.

1. Not like you're thinking of leaving him because of factors outside of his control e.g. wealth, looks. No - you'd be leaving because of an affair that HE started with someone, fully knowing the consequences and then lying to you about it - if he ends up with nowhere to go, it's on him and his problem (I say all this on the assumption that he did have an affair of course)