Cheating husband & the anonymous text?

[workingmummy2018]

Hi everyone, I have been on mumsnet for a while but never posted before and seriously need advice as I cannot talk to anyone else about this. Me and DH have been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have 2 DC together.

Recently I was approached on the school run and a mum came up to me and told me that DH was having an affair with another mum at the school, I confronted him about this and he just denied everything. Since then, I have been doubting everything and there are a lot of things he hides from me, here are some of them:

1. He NEVER leaves his phone alone around me or lets me use it, and I do not know the password.
2. He goes away for 'work' a lot of weekends, and also during week nights too.
3. He doesn't make much time for me and our kids, whenever I go out with kids he never wants to come.
4. He also refers to previous conversations he 'thinks' we have, but we never had these conversations.
5. We never do anything just the two of us, I can't remember the last time we went on a date.

Our relationship hasnt been great for a while but I really do love him and want to make things work. If I accuse him of cheating without any evidence I feel like he will turn our DC against me.

I recently received a text message from a number I don't know saying he is having an affair with another woman and they have been on and off for at least 5 years.

Money is tight at the moment, he has had unsuccessful businesses in the past and if I was to leave him he would have nowhere to go as he has no close family and doesn't earn a great deal of money at the moment.

Any advice would be seriously appreciated x

If you think he will turn the children against you because of issues in your relationship, then he is an utter bastard. That is despicable.
If you think he is that type of person, and you do, then I think you need to seriously question why you want to stay with him.

Staying with him because you feel sorry for him because he has 'nowhere to go', is no reason to stay with him at all. He hasn't got that level of concern for you as it looks pretty certain he has been having an affair. He's maybe only denying it as he thinks he needs you to look after him materially.

Like shining, I'd stump up for a PI in this case, as it sounds like you'd struggle to get the evidence (if only just because you're in a quite fearful/wary place not wanting to rock the boat) whereas it's probably not that hard for a PI to suss his phone activity or where he goes on weekends. I'd agree a flat fee and brace yourself for the cold facts. It does sound pretty damning I must say, for people to be coming to you, and all his behaviour so shifty. I know where my DH is at all times and can't imagine him hiding his phone from me, and none of it's controlling. It's just about being open with each other and not causing each other any insecurity. If he's being shifty, plus the reports, it's almost certain. God, it's the lying and denying that's so despicable. Why can't cheaters come clean and make things slightly less painful at least??

YES do the WhatsApp thing. Try searching the number on Facebook too.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you/feel this way.

Please read your OP as if it was written by someone else. What would you say if it one of your friends or a stranger looking for advice?

We seem to be too scared to upset the peace and neglect that we and the DCs are what matters. If this is taking its toll on you, it’s not a nice environment for anyone. Sounds like you’re doing a lot of lone parenting.

Please.. put yourself first. You’re what’s important here. You’re strong, you’re brave and you can handle whatever comes your way!

Youmatter's point about you doing a lot of lone parenting, effectively, is spot on. Another reason why you have every (understandable) right to confront him, because it would be perfectly reasonable to explain to him that you feel a review of the work-life balance in your marriage and family is necessary. I realsie you're trying to be very understanding about the status quo because of how the money's earnt, but reading between the lines you've put up with a fuck of a lot even if he's not having an affair. You're doing more than the lion's share of the child-rearing and the kids don't have much of a dad. Any genuinely committed dad would at least be considering alternatives work-wise if this has been going on for a while. But if he's cheating, he's got it sussed - chances are he could make efforts to reorgansie his working patterns if he gave enough of a shit about you all, and that's a smack in the face for you if he has been having an affair.

id hire a private investigator, but id also grab hold of the woman who told you and ask to go for a coffee

I think you should talk to the Mum who approached you before you talk to him about it. He will deny, deny and you will end up questioning your sanity, so the more facts you can gather the better.

Take a step back and look at your situation. He works away in unknown locations. You have no access to passwords or his phone. There isnt enough money despite all the alleged overtime. You do the parenting. What a set up for him! Do you have access to financial information?

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. Having worked for an accountancy firm for nearly 30 yrs my experience is that whilst people may travel on a sunday eve for a mtg or course the next day, i have never known it to be a whole wknd ....
Dont worry about HIS situation think of yours and your DCs - he knows what he is doing!

As a bloke I'd say he's up to something but treading between the lines it seems to me all is not as it might be between you and him. Perhaps best to see if you can talk to each orher about it all?

Have you got s friend who can ring that number for you and see if someone picks up? They might know your number so won't want to answer to you

Can't you ask the school mum? It's not fair of her to say such a thing without offering you evidence.

Hi There,

First of all, I am very sorry for you what you must be passing through. I am a newly married woman and I would dread two think this ever happening to me. One thing I want to comment on before I pass further advice is something that my husband always tells me from a mans perspective. My husband jokes all the time about going to see his other girlfriend, jokes about the girls in his work that fancy him and ladies from his past who liked him. I don't get jealous or annoyed as its just a laugh to us but one time when we discussed this he said that "the men who joke about other women tot their wives faces are most likely loyal and trustworthy who only want their wives". He says its the ones who never speak of other women ever and act like other women do not exist, those are the ones you need to watch out for.

Ask yourself, what category your husband falls into?

So secondly, if you and your husband have a loving, happily married and good sex life relationship then I would just have an open and honest conversation with him. Tell him that you have been told various things by different people and you trust him when he says none of these things are true but that it is bothering you and that you don't understand why other mothers would say these things. Remind him that you love him, that you don't want games or arguments but you just want an honest and communicative relationship. Tell him that he can tell you anything and if there is at any time, anything he wants to tell you then as much as you would be hurt, you would want to work through it as you see marriage for life and do not believe in divorce. You have to be as calm, content and genuine as you can be without pointing fingers or making accusations. Remind him about why you guys married, tell him that you still remember saying your wedding vows and how you felt as you walked down the isle towards him. Tell him that you want to go old with him and be by his side when you are both 80. Tell him that no matter the circumstances you can work through this together but that he just needs to be honest with you. If you are genuine like this and he still denies its then he is probably telling the truth. Most men would either break when you confront him in this way or when they lie, it will be so obvious. Does he look you in the eye or look towards the floor or the ceiling? Does he take your hands and tell you that he only loves you and wants you or does he run out the room fast enough after he denies it?

The other option like many have suggested is to follow him, spy on his computer history, check his Facebook and try to break into his phone, check bank statements. I would go down the first option first though. even though you don't want to confront him without proof, your not really accusing him directly if you do it in the way I am suggesting.

I really pray that he is not cheating and that this is just one big mix up.

Has nowhere to go - Not your problem lovely

Has no money - Yes because he's spending it all on hotel rooms and weekends away to shag this other woman.

Oh and those conversations you never had - gaslighting you

Blatantly having an affair.....Why are you treading on eggshells around this guy, get him out of your home...

What is he actually bringing to the table besides a catalogue of potential STIs??

You're essentially just a meal ticket and housekeeper to this feckless arsehole.

I think you already know whats happening its pretty blatent, but if you really want to see it with your own eyes GPS and turn up, or if you have the cash private investigator.

Really simple way sometimes if hes sloppy is look on the satnav history, frequency/recent destinations.

Wanker.

Get an sti check up. May be all the evidence you need in the result.

I echo the poster who said you don’t really need evidence, the woman telling you is evidence. I would hire a PI or put a tracker on his car.

Tell him you are worried and please can you have his phone. Just on the spot, to rule things out.

If he squirms, then you know.

I don't think the conversations you never had are necessarily gaslighting on his part. More likely that he's referring to a discussion he had on a particular subject with the ow (or a ow if more than one) and then quickly realising his mistake when he sees the blank look on your face.

Please stop worrying about custody in the event of a split- you do more than the lion's share and are clearly the primary caregiver, although the courts would understandably want him to have good and frequent contact (as I'm sure you would want too for the benefit of your children). Indeed, if you call time on this and insist upon a split, I can imagine what a passion killer that will be for him and ow, having to spend weekends spending quality time with his children rather than abdicating himself from family life altogether.
In terms of what you do next- you don't need to even bring the cheating into it. Your dh is a rubbish husband who excludes you from his life in a way that is odd and unacceptable for partners (cheating or not) and he is not a good father either. It's ok for you to say you've had enough and deserve better (because you really do).

Yes this happened to me. Looking back now I can't believe how naive I was. Its bloody obvious what hes doing.
My h did not call from hotel. Or early evening to get me out of the way.
Kept money to himself.
Hardly any sex
Etc etc
I was blindly looking after kids blah
He never attended school stuff..... He took this as an opportunity to see various others including sex workers.
So I checked bank accounts and phone records and bloody hell he was living quite the sordid double life. For about 15 years.
Do not be willfully naive there is no way he is working weekends| staying away with work all the time. He is doing what he wants.
Why do you think he could turn the kids on you? Take control and ask him to leave now or as soon as you know whats going on. Do not warn him or he will just hide it.

I think it’s fair to say that all the signs are there. He’s unlikely to admit to an affair. Most people try and get away with it. Then they accuse you of being paranoid or nuts. This is your marriage. I would insist he showed me his phone there and then or ask him to leave.
The chances are he’s still at home as he doesn’t want to upset kids ( or really wants to have his cake and eat it)
Did the mum at the school say who the lady was?
I would personally approach her and ask her, but take someone with you so things remain under control.
You have a right to know. That way you can make a decision for yourself.
The fact that he has nowhere to go is his problem, but I suspect you won’t want him to leave for fear of him shacking up with other woman.
He’s disrespecting you both. Also I’m sure she knows you exist so this situation doesn’t say much about her morals either.
They clearly haven’t thought about the impact on the children.
I’d get the truth. Then I’d kick his ass out.

Can you go back to the mum who approached you at school, ask if she will go for a coffee and sit and ask her? Did it feel like her telling you came from a place of kindness? If so, I am sure she will understand you wanting to know more.

On the him working away front, my husband works away a lot, work book the hotels, I always know what city he is in but rarely the hotel. He'd tell me if I asked but I don't! So can understand you not knowing where he's staying.

Has he always worked away or is this a relatively new thing?
I do find it hard to understand why an accountant would have to regularly work away.

Can you put an iPhone in his car and track using find my iPhone ? I think you can also do something similar with google

Truly, accountants dont work at weekends. Might sometimes travel up on Sunday, ready for the Monday. But that's it really.

You have proof. But I get that you want him to admit it, so he can't blame you.

Trouble is, even if he admits it (and he'll likely lie, or minimise) he'll still blame you. Cheaters tend to create a script in their heads to justify cheating, listing any perceived slights etc. Pushing you away from sex and then mentally blaming you that they never get it. Or if they do have sex, that it's a chore/boring/to keep you happy. Provoking arguments so they can justify cheating etc. Or even accusing you of cheating or flirting, and saying that's why they did it.....Basically anything to not take responsibility.

And if you find out and chuck them out, that you were the one who didn't want to work on the marriage. Or if you try to reconcile, being lukewarm about trying to reconcile, so they can blame you when you've had enough and say they need to go.

So they're likely to tell the kids that you're breaking the family apart, no matter what you do.

But going down the investigation route can take you into a rabbithole that it's hard to get out of, not knowing when to stop. Plus you can never unknow/unsee whatever you find out. So be careful about that. It can make healing up afterwards much more difficult.

Can you confront him and demand he shows you his phone? I can’t imagine anyone with nothing to hide being unwilling to do everything possible to address this head on and reassure you.

Oh OP please do not be scared of what might happen. I know you dearly want to have a lovely Christmas with your kids, but this will eat away at you.

It looks to me like you are already conditioned into not questioning him and doing what you are told. Time you took control back. Get your stuff sorted, get your evidence then sort him out. Good luck

I second talking to the school mum.
There is no way I would be happy with my hubby spending so much time away from home/kids and he would have had the Spanish Inquisition EVERY night away.
I would ask who is traveling with, who is the friend he is working for, which hotel he is staying. PLUS I’d expect regular FaceTime for the kids.

Potential affair aside, expect more from him as a husband and father 🌸🌸