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Original poster

DH rough with baby DS

82 replies

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 22:52

DS is a twin. He’s 17 weeks old, but was born at 34 weeks. He still weighs less than 10lb. He cries a lot as has bad reflux, but is the sweetest baby. Both babies are good sleepers. DH is still getting his eight hours a night and if they wake it’s my deal anyway as I’m breastfeeding them both. Just mentioning this for context before anyone mentions sleep deprevation!

DH was on night shift last night and came back at 9am and went to bed. Fair enough. I was supposed to be meeting a friend in the afternoon and had asked if he could care for DS as he hates going out in the cold for any length of time. I was taking DT2with me as he’s a bottle refuser so superglued to me.

Babies kept crying every time I tried to get ready, so DH got up about 12.30 so I could get dressed. I gave him DS to hold as he was crying and popped into kitchen. I came back to see DH handling DS in a really inappropriate fashion. He wasn’t quite shaking him but was bouncing him up and down far harder and faster than is safe! I screamed at him to stop and grabbed DS out of his arms. His first reaction was that I was making it up and he’d done nothing wrong. This soon switched to utter hysterics and promised he’ll never do it again. He’s still apologising now.

I just feel numb. I was supposed to be going out with DM tomorrow and leaving DS with him. I’ve told him there’s no way I can do that now. He says he can be trusted, but he’s clearly shown me today that isn’t the case. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

Cadburyssurpriseegg · 11/12/2018 22:57

He was bouncing your ds up and down or shaking him ?

proudmummywife · 11/12/2018 22:58

Did he realise how rough he was? Did he think he was playing or was it frustration? If purposely I'd throw him out and report. By his reaction and apologies, sounds like he was doing it with malice if so I'd call police

Original poster

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 23:00

He wasn’t shaking him side to side. He was moving him up and down, but far more forcefully than a bounce. You’d probably call it a shake if you were being technical.

OP posts:

Auntiepatricia · 11/12/2018 23:00

That’s really tough! Did it appear to you that he was frustrated and handling the baby roughly out of temper? I don’t think I could trust him after that. He clearly knows what he was doing was out of control judging by the reaction when you called him on it.

Original poster

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 23:01

It was definitely frustration because DS was crying. He’s admitted that he was frustrated.

OP posts:

proudmummywife · 11/12/2018 23:02

Well either way he knows not to be rough with babies or shake them roughly by any manner. Sounds like he was looking patience and if you weren't there may have been alot worse

Maelstrop · 11/12/2018 23:02

I think if you opinion is that he was too violent with the baby, then you can't leave him. 😢

proudmummywife · 11/12/2018 23:03

Loosing * an adult that cant control frustrations with a baby shouldn't be allowed near them.

RivanQueen · 11/12/2018 23:05

Oh god that sounds so scary I can't imagine how scared you must feel now not just for your ds but for the broken trust that you can safely leave your dc's with their dad. I think he needs to get some professional help OP, why the fuck was he handling ds that way and how could he have thought for 1 second that it was OK?? Even if sleep deprecation was a factor that's still no excuse for doing that. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice. I hope you and your ds are OK, bouncing a baby hard is so dangerous I really hope he didn't hurt him.

Mothership113 · 11/12/2018 23:09

I witnessed DS father being rough with him when he was small, he was seven weeks old and had colic. I was in the bath and he was minding DS who wasn't settling, as I came into the room out of his line of vision I saw him angrily snatch him out of his bouncer and plonked him down on his knee in a way which I never would.

Same followed as you described, denial and saying he'd never hurt him shortly followed by tears and promises never to handle him like that again.

Arguments ensued and his father eventually said he was feeling exasperated and depressed, I ordered him to see his GP who reccomended recomended talking therapy, I strongly suspect he was experiencing some sort of PND which wasn't being taken seriously.

I digress.

After witnessing what I did I concluded it wasn't safe for him to be left alone with the baby, whilst I don't believe he would ever intentionally harm his son he clearly can't regulate his emotions when necessary IE caring for a vulnerable young baby.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope your little boy is OK. It really is heartbreaking when you see something like this because we inherently believe that our chosen partners with whom we share our children will treat them with nothing but complete kindness and patience.

Nobody is infallible and we all get overwhelmed sometimes but it's categorically wrong to be manhandling little babies, any children for that matter

RivanQueen · 11/12/2018 23:09

Just seen your updates OP, if he's admitted to (technically or not) shaking your poor 17week old out of frustration you definitely can't leave the kids with him alone and for me this would be a deal breaker. He'd have to leave immediately and get help ASAP cos he's got issues and he could seriously injure your kids (or worse). I'm so sorry you're going through this 🙁

Original poster

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 23:12

DS seems fine @RivanQueen, but I’m still in shock. I honestly don’t know what the fuck DH was thinking. He’s trying to act like I don’t need to worry, but clearly I do. He started taking ADs lately and his mood was improving. Now this

OP posts:

Original poster

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 23:17

@Mothership113 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Are you still together?

DH is depressed. I’ve told him he needs to go back to GP and tell her what he did. I can still see my poor little boy being handled so roughly and I feel ill.

OP posts:

Original poster

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 23:19

Also, you’re so right that you automatically assume your partners will treat your children the same as you do. I never imagined I would ever feel I needed to protect my children from him!

OP posts:

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 11/12/2018 23:25

Does he realise how fucking dangeroùs that is??

I’d never be able to trust him again.

trashcanjunkie · 11/12/2018 23:28

My advice would be to speak with your immediate support network, tell them what’s happened and come up with plan to make sure in the immediate future you dh isn’t alone with either baby. The next step is getting help for him. I’d recommend a frank discussion with him, a gp appointment and advice from health visitor first thing in the morning. Be up front about what happened and the safety planning you’ve done since then to keep the babies safe and get help for DH and you will have nothing to fear from Children’s Services.

trashcanjunkie · 11/12/2018 23:29

Sorry posted too soon

Hopefully this will mean you have support from your nearest and dearest and help to think through the next bit

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2018 23:35

I would NEVER trust him again. Doing what he did out of frustration is a MASSIVE red flag for potential disaster. Your husband needs help NOW.

NutCrackerSuite · 11/12/2018 23:47

That's shocking you can't leave either of them alone with him I'm afraid.

Mothership113 · 11/12/2018 23:47

Have sent you a PM Leopard

Winterberriesonatree · 12/12/2018 00:03

Shaken baby syndrome if a terrible thing. He should not ever behave badly around your children or abuse them, but equally you should not expect a sleep deprived adult to care for a young baby so that you can meet a friend.

Involve all the agencies and do not allow DP to do childcare until you are sure he is physically and emotionally capable of it.

cockadoodledont · 12/12/2018 00:05

You poor thing. I would suggest talking to your health visitor first thing tomorrow and asking for some advice and support.

cockadoodledont · 12/12/2018 00:08

Winterberries - Op has said that her DP is getting a full 8 hours of sleep per night so he is not sleep deprived.

Also, I don't see how asking her partner to look after his own child without him being rough with them while she sees a friend should be a big ask

Youngandfree · 12/12/2018 00:09

I haven’t rtft but I just want to say 9.00-12.30 after a night shift is not enough sleep so yes he was sleep deprived. What he was doing was wrong yes but it wasn’t ideal leaving him with a crying baby after 3 and a half hours sleep essentially.

cockadoodledont · 12/12/2018 00:11

But then new mums are regularly left looking after their children when they are sleep deprived. No one bats an eyelid at that...

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