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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH rough with baby DS

82 replies

leopardisaneutral · 11/12/2018 22:52

DS is a twin. He’s 17 weeks old, but was born at 34 weeks. He still weighs less than 10lb. He cries a lot as has bad reflux, but is the sweetest baby. Both babies are good sleepers. DH is still getting his eight hours a night and if they wake it’s my deal anyway as I’m breastfeeding them both. Just mentioning this for context before anyone mentions sleep deprevation!

DH was on night shift last night and came back at 9am and went to bed. Fair enough. I was supposed to be meeting a friend in the afternoon and had asked if he could care for DS as he hates going out in the cold for any length of time. I was taking DT2with me as he’s a bottle refuser so superglued to me.

Babies kept crying every time I tried to get ready, so DH got up about 12.30 so I could get dressed. I gave him DS to hold as he was crying and popped into kitchen. I came back to see DH handling DS in a really inappropriate fashion. He wasn’t quite shaking him but was bouncing him up and down far harder and faster than is safe! I screamed at him to stop and grabbed DS out of his arms. His first reaction was that I was making it up and he’d done nothing wrong. This soon switched to utter hysterics and promised he’ll never do it again. He’s still apologising now.

I just feel numb. I was supposed to be going out with DM tomorrow and leaving DS with him. I’ve told him there’s no way I can do that now. He says he can be trusted, but he’s clearly shown me today that isn’t the case. I don’t know what to doSad

OP posts:
Mothership113 · 12/12/2018 00:12

I was literally about to say the same @cockadoodledont

Winterberriesonatree · 12/12/2018 00:15

cockadoodledont

Three and a half hours sleep after a night shift is not enough sleep for many people, when others expect much more.

There is a serious issue here and OP should not leave the babies with her DP until it is resolved.

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2018 00:17

If you’re getting 8 hours most nights, one single night if 3.5h sleep is a doddle. You have reserves. That is no excuse at all, I’ve had plenty of nights recently with the baby where I’ve wished for 3.5 hours and as for getting them all in one session , I’d feel amazing.

AornisHades · 12/12/2018 00:19

Young I fantasised about 3 and a half hours uninterrupted sleep for months with a prem baby and a pre-schooler. 90 minutes was my normal. I was suffering with PND but I never physically mistreated either of them.

katmarie · 12/12/2018 00:20

Obviously we weren't there and didn't see what happened, but from what you've said, your dh had three hours sleep after a night shift and has recently started taking antidepressants, and was trying to manage a crying baby. He made a serious error of judgement. However, those are pretty challenging conditions and if anyone is going to make an error of judgement, those are the kind of circumstances where it could happen so easily.

What you need to consider is whether your child is at risk in the future and what you're prepared to do about it. You obviously can't let this happen again, but is it a question of addressing the conditions and the situation, or is it that he's likely to do this again? As I said we didn't see what happened, only you can make that judgement.

ClaraReeva · 12/12/2018 01:42

Hi Leopard

No judgement here but PLEASE don't leave your babies alone with DP.

FoxgloveStar · 12/12/2018 01:42

I think you need to look deep inside and consider whether you trust his word or not. If it was a genuine drastic error in judgement then it’s probably forgivable. If it was my OH I would move on as I would be 100% sure it would never happen again. But can you be 100% sure?

ClaraReeva · 12/12/2018 01:47

Shaken baby syndrome is not just up and down or side to side -its back to front!!

I honestly have no judgement BUT you know what you saw.

Keep your babies safe

we will support you x x

1forAll74 · 12/12/2018 05:44

I would want to know how your Husband has been in all the weeks since you have had your babies at home.Nobody should make comments about this upsetting thing that has happened,until anyone knows about any issues here.

Ledkr · 12/12/2018 05:56

I think theres a big difference to being up at night and working a night shift and then only having a few hours sleep before looking after a baby.

I worked nights for years with 3 very young DC and I could only sleep for a few hours while they were at school and nursery.
I ended up nearly being sectioned as I was so Ill and ended up being ordered to stop.

What he did is completely unacceptable though and you obviously can't leave him alone with them until it's been explored.

Autumnsunrise · 12/12/2018 06:03

This is bigger than a red flag. Babies die from being shaken. There is a case local to me in the news at the moment.

I would suggest speaking to your health visitor.

Flowers
StylishMummy · 12/12/2018 08:21

I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself, how has he been since they were born, has he bonded with them if they were prem? I have 2 DDs who were both prem and when they were first home, I struggled to make the emotional connection despite EBF.

Has he given you any other cause for concern, the fact he's apologised is an admission that he knows it's wrong and deliberately rough.

You need to have a very frank and clear conversation about how you move forward, I'm sorry to say that I'd honestly end the relationship. Children come first every time

Original poster
leopardisaneutral · 12/12/2018 08:25

I’m going to speak to my HV. She is really lovely and we get on very well. I’m scared we will get into trouble though.

DH just isn’t managing his mental health properly. He has a GP follow up tomorrow regarding his ADs. However he hasn’t sorted it out at work so has been put on a shift for the same time as his appointment!

I accept I probably shouldn’t have asked him to look after baby after nightshift. The reason I did is because I’d already arranged to meet my friend as he’d told me he wasn’t working that day. Then at the last minute he told me he’d gotten his days wrong. I just really wanted to go as I get no time for myself these days. My whole life revolves around the twins (as it should of course)

I’d say he’s been OK with the babies since they came home. He did used to have a tendency to handle DS a bit too fast and carelessly when he was tiny ( he was only 4lb 3 when we brought him home) but he seemed to have improved.

Do I 100% trust him not to do it again? No I don’t. I still feel sick over it all this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardisaneutral · 12/12/2018 08:28

I would say he’s bonded with them @StylishMummy. He does seem to genuinely love them both. They are bonded with him too. They are noticeably much happier when he’s in the house and DS loves nothing more than a lie in snooze with his dad in the morning. That’s what makes his behaviour even more puzzling. I don’t know what the fuck he was thinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardisaneutral · 12/12/2018 08:32

He didn’t just apologise. He was in hysterics of apology. Absolute hysterics. However I’m sure they’s many a damaged baby who’s parent promised to never do it again. This is my dilemma now.

OP posts:
FoxgloveStar · 12/12/2018 08:34

If you don’t 100% trust him then you can’t leave him alone with them. Tell HV. Make sure he understands the gravitas of the situation and if that doesn’t spur him into addressing the issue, MH related or not, then you need to start considering your options.

This is awful for you. You did nothing wrong asking him to look after them, tired or not.

bethy15 · 12/12/2018 08:45

I’m going to speak to my HV. She is really lovely and we get on very well. I’m scared we will get into trouble though.

Can I just commend you for this. It's so important not to cover this up for him, because to protect him is to leave your baby up for the unimaginable. The babies have to be protected at all costs.

You won't get into any trouble. You are doing the right thing. If anything should happen without you reporting it, then you would get into trouble.

My heart really goes out to you. Reading your thread, my heart my thumping and I've never felt the way I did reading it, I cannot imagine how you felt seeing it.

Please don't blame yourself, you must be struggling too, you take all the night time feeds, allow him a full 8 hours, and then have to care for the babies all throughout the day too. You must be exhausted yourself, so don't blame needing some time and asking your partner to look after his own children on this.

Would you be able to discuss this with your mother or someone after the HV? Or anyone? It's just, clearly he cannot and should not be left alone with the babies, but that puts even more pressure on you to be doing even more for them, and I'm worried about you in this too.

StylishMummy · 12/12/2018 08:58

@leopardisaneutral that's really worrying as it's not cuckoo in the nest type issues then, where he's unbonded to the babies and doesn't have the emotional connection. He loves DTs etc and still treated your DS dangerously.

I'm so sorry but I couldn't have him in the house, prem babies are so much more fragile and he could have collapsed his windpipe with the force.

Well done for speaking to your HV, I'd also reach out to other family members and make them aware Thanks

Nothisispatrick · 12/12/2018 09:05

I haven’t rtft but I just want to say 9.00-12.30 after a night shift is not enough sleep so yes he was sleep deprived

No he was tired. Sleep deprivation is a long term thing not one night of poor sleep.

Oysterbabe · 12/12/2018 09:21

This is so awful for everyone. I'm afraid I wouldn't be leaving him alone with the babies for a long time. I hope that your HV has some good advice.

NotScrewingUpNow · 12/12/2018 09:27

Your HV might make a referral to SS.

bobstersmum · 12/12/2018 09:32

This is terrible op, what a difficult situation for you. Do you think he could have hurt your ds? And is there any chance he hurt him before this? I would be tempted to get baby checked over to be honest, but I am quite a worrier with babies.

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2018 09:38

I’ve already said you can’t blame lack of sleep, and the op is doing all the right things. Hes obviously struggling a bit generally- just started ADs, can’t keep track of working days, hasn’t managed work around the gp appt. it does sound like it could be a mental health thing and maybe can be worked through / recovered from. Until then no leaving him alone with them though.

Original poster
leopardisaneutral · 12/12/2018 09:42

That’s helpful @NotScrewingUpNowConfused

@bobstersmum DS seems fine. Although I’m very aware of how little it takes to damage a baby. He wasn’t hurt on this occasion but that’s not to say that he couldn’t have been in the worst case scenario.

Has he ever done it before? I have no idea. He swears not, but if I wasn’t around then how would I know? DS has always seemed fine. He’s under regular consultant care due to being premature and very small, and they are very happy with how he’s doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
leopardisaneutral · 12/12/2018 09:46

@bethy15 I think I will have to speak to my mum. Fortunately she is retired so in a position to help out. I just hate the thought of my family thinking badly of DH. I want to protect him, but I realise protecting my babies is more important.

I am exhausted. I love them to bits and they are good babies, but it is relentless. My house is a shit tip, I’m a mess and about to die of malnutrition through living off freezer foods.

OP posts:
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