He's on a dating site!!!!

[MrsB899]

Me and my husband have been together a long time, we have two young children. Like all relationships we have our ups and downs, nothing major, petty rows now and again. I work nights and he works days so we feel like we're passing ships.
When I was at work one night he sent his usual "night babe love you lots see you in the morning" text. Exactly one minute later I get a message off a girl I've known for 15+ years with a picture of my husband saying "is this your fella" I replied saying yeah why? She said he has just messaged me on POF his profile says he's single, has children but wants more and is looking for a relationship. We've since sat down and spoke he said he was doubting our relationship because of the rows, he says he feels guilty, regrets it and will do what it takes to fix things. He says it was a blip, testing the water and it's been an eye opener and it needed to happen for him to realise how much he does love me.

What i guess I'm asking is what would you do in this situation?
Has anyone been through any thing like this and been able to get the trust back?
I'm so in love with him and it would destroy me and our children if this was over but I don't know if I can live worrying that this will happen again

Wow. You seem calm. He hasn't lined up a new woman. I'd say that's why he miraculously realised he wants to stay in the marriage.

What a creep, I'm sorry. How was going on a dating site meant to help your relationship? He's a lying little turd. I'd be gone. This is unforgivable and humiliating.

How could you ever trust him? Sending you sweet texts and moments later messaging other women. Unreal.

Why are you so calm about this? Your husband has advertised himself to the world as potentially wanting future children to another woman and you sat down and spoke to him about it?! And you're worried about losing him? I really don't mean this horribly but do you have low self esteem?

Is he open to relationship counselling if you want to repair the relationship?

Wow 😮
I haven’t been in your position (my husband had an old fashioned affair) but for me, I would have to think that that took a lot of thinking about to join Pof and make a profile. A very risky thing for him to do too. I’m guessing he was after an ego boost, to see if he still ‘had it’.
My worry, if I were to try and move on from this would be what if he had actually met up with someone he got talking to on there (and can you know for certain that he didnt)?

I'd be wondering, if this woman hadn't messaged you, then how far would he have taken it?
That's just me though, I'd be always playing it over in my mind.
However, if he's wanting to give your relationship another chance, then maybe it could be worth a chance, I don't know him, so it's hard to say.
What do you think he needs to do to fix things? He's said he's willing to do whatever it takes

In your place I would make slow and careful plansto leave him in a way that would screw him over (financially and emotionally) as much as possible. But I’m a tad bit vindictive-can you tell?

I couldn't come back from this. It was totally premeditated - how could you ever trust someone who does something like this??

He's thrown your relationship down the toilet. Rows my arse - he did it bcs he wanted to. If he hadn't been caught be would have blithely carried on.

Yuk

Hi op. I got de ja vu there for a minute. I was in your shoes 10 years ago. Only it wasn't the first time and it sure as he'll wasn't the last. He was online when I was at work and chatting to women all over. No mention of me or dd or the fact we were engaged. Once the trust was gone that's it, it never comes back, you always wonder what he is doing on his phone, or where he is When your not there. It eats away at you. He is making excuses to keep you sweet because he got caught. Give it time and more evidence will come to light. Don't be surprised if he starts making more effort with you, this is not him saying sorry it's keeping you sweet and to rid himself of the guilt. Within a week of asking my now ex to move out he went off to meet one of his 'friends'. I am now married to a lovely guy and have another dd and I am glad I got out when I did. Please don't listen to his excuses and do what's best for you and your children. You do not need a man in your life to make you happy.

I realise I must sound like a total push over all I can say is I assure you that I'm not. There was a lot of screaming, shouting and tears (from me) of course. If I didn't have children I would have walked away. I wouldn't have even come home. In my heart of hearts I don't think he would have met anyone maybe that's me being naive. I know I probably sound like a sap but he's all I've ever know. I know I'd be ok if I was to be on my own. I'm not scared of being alone at all. Just all those years and the kids, I can't walk away without being 100% certain first

@Racecardriver if I'm leaving I'm definitely going out with a bang so I guess I'm the same

You are 100% certain. He joined a dating site. What more certainty do you need? It's very easy to meet people on pof. Chat for a couple of hours, exchange numbers, agree to meet up, it can all happen in a day.

He's only saying sorry because he got caught. This would be a deal breaker for me op. This wasn't a chance encounter with a woman and he went too far and asked her out on a whim, he has actively and purposely set up a profile, lied on there for a start and is continuing to lie to you.

Don't you think you're worth more than that?
Can you imagine his response if the roles had been reversed? Exactly.

Wow...if he’d admitted it to you but he was caught. I’m guessing he would have kept going and had an affair and then dumped your marriage. He’s only sorry because he got caught. There’s loads of issues here that you probably need a marriage counsellor to help you with. You can’t just ignore this and hope it fixes itself. He was giving you one message, lots of lovey texts and then the next moment telling other women he’s single!! He has huge character flaws! He can’t be trusted. He has form for lying so you need a professional to work out what he’s up to and why he did that. There’s no point trying to fix it if he’s heart isn’t in it and he’s just playing you. Go get help but personally I couldn’t come back from that

Testing the waters? What waters, being single on a dating site waters?

A blip? Getting caught more like!

He has given you no explanation whatsoever.

So, he's been caught out. Question is...how old is the profile and is this the first time he's "tested the water". Seems he'd rather replace you than discuss the marital issues. Don't fall for the usual BS. Good luck

his profile says he's single, has children but wants more and is looking for a relationship.

If he was "testing the water" and had no intention of meeting anyone he would not have put that detail in. What he was doing was making sure he had given enough information that women he was meeting on POF weren't suspicious when his phone screensaver of his kids flashed up, or when his "ex" texted him, or when he couldn't see them or message them much all weekend. Don't fall for it.

There are many many married/partnered people on OLD. They are usually the ones with no profile pic though.

I would love to have seen his face if you and your friend had colluded and she set up a date with him but you turned up instead....

His behaviour is totally disrespectful of you. Proclaiming to the OLD world he is single. Make that a reality.

I'd be gone he's only sorry he got caught. Also remember this it's probably not his first time on a website so who knows what he's done in the past.

I'm going to be shot down for this I think, but believe me when I say I've been there so I know what this is like. I've been with DH for a very long time and something similar happened when the kids were small and then again when they were early teens. Basically I've stayed and tried to forgive and make a life with someone who is a good father but flawed. It really isn't easy of course, but I felt trapped and stayed. I'm not sure what advice I'm giving you, other than to say sometimes people do this, they don't always just pack up and leave when they hit a (very large) bump in the road. It's always there as I can't forget even though it was years ago now, and though some will find this difficult to believe, we have been happy and are now. I sometimes wonder about that split we might have had (twice) but I'm not sure it was what I wanted. Whatever you do, I would advise you not to tell any close friends about it if you choose to stay, as that is very difficult for them to get over and be normal with you both in the years to come. Best wishes and love to you whatever you do.

He is looking to shag other women. It is there in black and white, for all the world (including your friends) to see, he really could not make it any clearer.

For all you know he is loads of other dating sites aswell, there is no fucking way I would believe this is his one and only 'test' of dating sites, he really must think you are dumb as fuck if you believe any if his bullshit.

Unfortunately he is just another lying, cheating sleaze, up until now he had kept it hidden from you. This is the real him.

What are the odds the first time he contacted a women it happened to be your friend? Really?? I wouldn't believe anything he said.

@Trippedupagain do you regret staying?

@TheCraicDealer ( great username! ) yep, he's been very cunning with this. Men like him are part of the reason OLD can be so depressing for women genuinely looking for a partner.

You've no idea how far he would have taken it if he hadn't got caught out.
You've no idea how many other sites he might be on.
You've no idea if this is the first time.

I guess it depends on how good the marriage was (from your perspective) before this.

I agree that it doesn't seem he was after a quick shag with the info about the kids.

He needs to be honest about whether he's not happy. My question to him ... is if the tables were turned ... what would it take for you to convince him you we were committed to him and the marriage.

In your position perhaps consider exploring marriage counselling.

his profile says he's single, has children but wants more

Looking for more children? Or more from a relationship?