He's on a dating site!!!!

[MrsB899]

Me and my husband have been together a long time, we have two young children. Like all relationships we have our ups and downs, nothing major, petty rows now and again. I work nights and he works days so we feel like we're passing ships.
When I was at work one night he sent his usual "night babe love you lots see you in the morning" text. Exactly one minute later I get a message off a girl I've known for 15+ years with a picture of my husband saying "is this your fella" I replied saying yeah why? She said he has just messaged me on POF his profile says he's single, has children but wants more and is looking for a relationship. We've since sat down and spoke he said he was doubting our relationship because of the rows, he says he feels guilty, regrets it and will do what it takes to fix things. He says it was a blip, testing the water and it's been an eye opener and it needed to happen for him to realise how much he does love me.

What i guess I'm asking is what would you do in this situation?
Has anyone been through any thing like this and been able to get the trust back?
I'm so in love with him and it would destroy me and our children if this was over but I don't know if I can live worrying that this will happen again

@magoria it wasn't the first person he contacted he admits to talking to women but never exchanging numbers it's just when he messaged this certain girl she messaged me straight away instead of replying

@category12 you hit the nail on the head. I just don't know what to think

I'd never be able to trust after that. Too much time an effort put into it by him to do that to you

By talking, he means sexting and flirting.
And arranging to meet, possibly. Maybe not going ahead with it.
And pretending you don't exist or are some kind of harridan.
What picture did he use?
My ex used one I'd taken.

@category12 one from a night out with friends. Well a few actually. I think I believe him because he knows I'll find out again. He knows i have friends on those sites. Again maybe I'm being stupid

My ex used one I'd taken

The icing on the cake for you eh

Have you been on POF and read the messages?

He’s probably deleted them but worth a look?

Have you checked his phone?

This was premeditated looking for another woman

Many affairs, rightly or wrongly start with chemistry which is unforgivable - but often both parties or one are torn etc etc

But to purposely look seems worse somehow

Would it make a difference if he had exchanged numbers?

That's really shocking.

You say you are really in love with him and would be devastated to part. He clearly does not feel the same!! Why would he just be testing the waters.

He went out of his way to message someone ( your friend) so clearly he is active on there. He's not just having a quick nosy to see what it's all about. He was interested in connecting with this person - for sex or emotionally. What would you advise someone else in this situation?

I'd have not mentioned knowing about it and looked through his phone to get a clearer idea of what's been going on. Clearly can't be trusted so why take his word that nothing has happened.

@Fuzzywig his deleted his profile and I've had my friends search across a few apps. I told him i wish I'd have arranged to meet up as her and turned up. His deleted the app and the profile. I set one up on as many dating apps I could think of to search for him. I deleted the profiles after and it says they can't be retrieved once deleted so he'd have to make a whole new profile

The icing on the cake for you eh

It did indeed grate. On the bright side, since I gave up on trying to make it work at all costs and ditched him, I've been a lot happier.

OP, there are tons of dating sites and if he used a non-face pic, how are your friends to police him? You're not stupid, you just wish he hadn't been so bloody stupid.

For me, the trust never could come back because he kept bloody doing it and was a big old lying liar and cheat, so I never had the opportunity to forgive and learn to trust him again, everytime I got close he did it again .

Clearly it's possible from pp's to get over something like this, at least partially, although you can still read the pain there. For me, I wish I'd got out sooner.

@category12 he used a picture of himself. He hasn't got the brains to use a different one

I don’t know why you even posted your problem. Your gonna do what you think is easiest because you’re self esteem is lacking.

LTB

Another thing, this woman has been your friend for 15+ years....and he messaged her...so he'd taken an interest. I'd be off for that alone

It's okay to give yourself time. It took me 18 months to decide to leave. Mine turned out to have had lots of different women. Tge story started out as 'just chatting'. If you are a 'slow burn' kind of person, it's okay not to make decisions in the heat of the moment. It worked well for me as I saved, went to counselling alone, prepared myself.
Sorry op xx
I do also know women who stayed. Most women do I think, just keep quiet about it all.

He's been caught by having a face-pic, you think he's incapable of learning from that?

But anyway if you end up relying on policing him to stop him straying, you're wasting your life.

I left my stbxh for this very reason (amongst many others). Even if he hasn't met up with anyone, he took the time to make a profile, so the intent was there. That for me was enough to ltb.

Ask him since when he's been on POF (even if he has allegedly deleted this profile now). Then demand to see his "welcome/registration" email that most dating sites etc usually send out on the day a person signs up. Not that the timing matters, but if he's been on there for a long time, that's even more concerning.

I wouldn't believe for one second that he wasn't intending to go through with it - plenty of people have had affairs etc without the proactive effort of setting up a profile, initiating messages with women on the site etc. so if he's going to all that trouble, he must have wanted to meet up with them.

I feel like his excuses are exactly the kind of script that any man would say if he was caught out before finding a suitable female. Soon these type of men will be the ones using another classic script line to you like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" once they find a suitable target.

You say you've checked other dating sites etc. but now knowing he's basically looking for an affair, how do you know he isn't propositioning women at work, in the street, in bars or even ringing up call girls..? You can't possibly track and monitor all of this 24/7.

You can also hide your profile on pof, which means you can search for people anonymously. You'll only be seen by the people, you email.

I understand it's so hard to leave, and I understand your reasons for not wanting to believe things right now.

The thing is, he's clearly set this up with the intention to look elsewhere and yes maybe it was for an ego boost but I reckon he's been on there for a lot longer than you think.

He won't have just been on POF, that's the one that takes the most effort to join as you have to fill out the whole questionnaire. He must have been on Tinder/Bumble - the ones where you literally swipe and have a photo and don't need to put anything else.

Have you asked to see his phone since? Check his contacts/whatsapp? I'd have demanded to look at everything, photos, messages etc. I would have wanted to also check his dating app accounts and read any messages. God knows what he had in there.

Also if he has Snapchat I would be checking who he is following on there, as so many guys ask girls to add them on there and you know it's because it erases convos/pics.

I understand why you may forgive him and not leave over this, but I do believe this is the beginning of the end unless some hard work is put in by BOTH of you. It's a big statement on his part to do this. It's not only completely disrespectful to you, but it's humiliating that he's publicly done this knowing full well you have friends who may spot him. Is he not embarrassed?

I think the worst thing here is that you would have been none the wiser had this friend not told you. Imagine how long you could have been plodding along not realising what he was up to - do you truly believe all this time he wouldn't have met up with anyone had this continued?

Bigs hugs xxx

Yes agree with @Borelis about asking to see his welcome email about POF. He may even have used some random email address etc. If he is truly sorry and honest he will show you EVERYTHING. It could show that he signed up months/years ago. Like others have said, you can hide your profile on POF, so he can still be on there just not public to anyone. In which case he can unhide it and use it whenever he likes then just click 'hide' and it'll be gone again.

My do did this to me THREE times in our relationship, he always used the excuse "we were in an argument " like that excused it.
Sometimes he'd say "I was just bored and felt like chatting"

It was earlier on the in the relationship and still breaks my heart thinking about it and the conversation he had with ow that I have saved in emails. However, we are still together
It may not be the perfect relationship but I did forgive him

That's awful OP I'm so sorry.

It's premeditated though. He didn't snog someone at a drunken party, he actually took the time and effort to build an online dating profile and chat to women. I agree he was probably on other sites too, may be hook up ones as well as they are full of married men looking for 'fun' they don't even need much of a profile to find sex, so the fact he's gone to so much trouble is really disrespectful to you.

I don't think I could trust him again after this.