He's on a dating site!!!!

[MrsB899]

Me and my husband have been together a long time, we have two young children. Like all relationships we have our ups and downs, nothing major, petty rows now and again. I work nights and he works days so we feel like we're passing ships.
When I was at work one night he sent his usual "night babe love you lots see you in the morning" text. Exactly one minute later I get a message off a girl I've known for 15+ years with a picture of my husband saying "is this your fella" I replied saying yeah why? She said he has just messaged me on POF his profile says he's single, has children but wants more and is looking for a relationship. We've since sat down and spoke he said he was doubting our relationship because of the rows, he says he feels guilty, regrets it and will do what it takes to fix things. He says it was a blip, testing the water and it's been an eye opener and it needed to happen for him to realise how much he does love me.

What i guess I'm asking is what would you do in this situation?
Has anyone been through any thing like this and been able to get the trust back?
I'm so in love with him and it would destroy me and our children if this was over but I don't know if I can live worrying that this will happen again

Sorry but he had every intention of meeting someone, he was on a dating site!

What do you want to do?

It would be exceptionally unlucky if the first woman he contacted told you about it.

Mine did this. It became clear over the following few months that it wasn't a one off blip. He had been doing it throughout our relationship and had hooked up with dozens and dozens of women. He was on several different sites. I'm sorry - I know it hurts. I would brave yourself for it getting worse.

Have you checked to see if he's on any other dating / hookup sites?

And he's not been very discreet has he, maybe he wanted to get caught?

Mrsb899 that’s difficult to say really as I don’t know what would have happened if I’d left. On balance, no I don’t regret it. My DC have no idea about it and love DH very much, they are lovely young adults now and I’m not sure they’d would be if we had split up, especially in teenage years. DH has problems, he is flawed, but he is a great father and they have benefited from that. I’m not a doormat, I am a professional woman’s who has always been independent, but I’ve just lived with imperfection I guess.

You don’t know how many people he has met and possibly shagged.

Not the first time he has done this, or the second or the tenth.

Get out now.

Set your bar a bit higher and have more respect for yourself. Kick him out.

God that's humiliating to have someone you know have to tell you that.

He's a cheat and a liar.

Fuck him off !!!

Wow he's not got much luck has he - if the very first person he messaged ever was your friend! Have you reverse Google imaged searched his PoF profile photo to see what his other dating profiles say?

Did he actually have a profile photo? It’s possible on pof to contact people with no photo and then send one when chatting. Just thinking how brazen he must be if he did have a public pic.

The chance of this being the first person he's approached is incredibly slim. He must have met other women - it doesn't make sense that this would be the first one.

My ex said the same, he appeared remorseful after he was caught. Then many more women surfaced over the following months and it was truly disgusting.

I have to say I like the way she informed you.

Lots of people agonize on how to break such news...but she did it well.

There are tons of dating sites & 'hook up' sites. You dont know what else he is on.

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry op. Are you sure that he has not had an affair, and it's the other woman trying to cause trouble. That's a thought I had reading your post.

Like Tripped I stayed with my DH after finding out he had a profile on POF, saying he was single and "looking for his soulmate". I felt sick and humiliated but we talked it through and he said he didn't know why he'd done it and that he loved me and didn't want anyone else and that it had been an ego trip. I wasn't sure that I believed him but I forgave him and we put it behind us.

Imo it's worse than meeting someone and having an affair because he's actively put himself out there. I'm so sorry for you OP and for me there'd be no way forward for me. You'll drive yourself mad wondering if he's back on a dating site and which one. Every time you're not together, you'll be wondering what he's doing.

Whaaaaat?! He's only sorry because he got caught red-handed. Surely you realise that OP?

Thing is, a bunch of strangers on the internet can tell you what you already know and encourage you to do what you know you should, but if your heart isn't in it, you won't listen to us.

I hope you can find the courage to end your relationship, but if you don't, then just be prepared for years of doubt and a complete trust breakdown.

He admits to messaging other women the women who told me wasn't the only one but he says he never exchanged numbers or met up. I believe (maybe stupidly) that he wouldn't have met up with anyone. Do I believe that he hasn't exchanged numbers, probably not. I don't know why I believe he hasn't met anyone because if this had happened to someone else I'd be thinking Im stupid

Doeswhatitsaysonthetin I'm not sure I've ever forgiven my DH if I'm brutally honest with myself but we have moved on certainly and I am no longer angry, but its taken years. I think the temptation is so great for someone weak, they just do it as if it's a separate part of their lives. Which it isn't. Online stuff is so easy to set up, tinker around with on your phone or whatever, they do it out of boredom and just because they can. Horrible, I know.

MrsB my DH said similar things and I didn't ever want to really find out, once I'd decided to stay. Maybe that's stupid but I had to stay sane, look after 2 kids, work full time, look after ageing dad etc. Can't believe it now, looking back.

I find it completely amazing that the very first time he goes on a hook up site within minutes of being on there he is caught out and someone contacts you.

Chances of that happening?

Compared to he has been on there a fair while and maybe met some other women?

@doeswhatitsaysonthetin @Trippedupagain I definitely feel humiliated and embarrassed at his behaviour and I'm so angry it's unreal. I feel like I don't know who he is because if anyone would have asked last week I'd have said not in a million years would he risk his family for a quick ego boost

You want to believe him, that's natural. The alternative is heartbreaking.