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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Neighbour’s sister sending my husband her number.

152 replies

discodancersweetromancer · 06/12/2018 11:56

How would you feel about this? Can’t decide if I’m reading more into this than I should, or not.

Husband attended a party at our neighbours’ home at the weekend. I stayed home with the children as I was feeling unwell. He said he was only going for a few drinks, but actually ended up staying there till 3am.

I wasn’t concerned about this. I know how you can get swept up in a party. I texted him a couple of times throughout the evening, and both times he replied. All good. Or so I thought.

In work yesterday morning (we run our business together) and I went to set up something on one of our Macs. Saw a Facebook notification pop up on the screen. My husband’s Facebook. To be clear though, he never set this Facebook up himself. He has zero interest in any social media and this was set up for him by an employee so that he could do Facebook Live chats to other companies. He has done this twice in the last eight months.

I clicked on the Facebook and saw that he had private messages from my neighbour’s sister at 3.20am on Sunday morning. So just after he had left the party.

First was a ‘wave.’
Then a load of question marks.
Then four ‘shhhh’ face emojis.
Then her mobile number followed by kisses.

He hadn’t seen any of this and therefore there were no responses from him.

I was very upset, and asked him what had been going on at the party that would lead to her doing this??

He swears nothing and says he can’t understand why she did that. Says it was probably a drunken mistake and she is probably mortified about it. He says if he had wanted to swap numbers it would happened there and then, and that he cannot control someone contacting him on a Facebook that he doesn’t even use.

I text her and asked her why she had contacted my husband in this way as she knows he has a wife and young family. No response. I then said I would ask her family for answers if she had nothing to say. Immediately responds that she has no interest in my husband. She has a boyfriend. But that she and my husband had gotten on so well and she wanted to talk to him about business. Hmm

I said that kisses and emojis in the middle of the night didn’t say ‘business’ to me and that she was completely inappropriate. She apologised and admitted that yes she had been.

I feel so uneasy. My stomach has churned ever since. I guess I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone would do this unsolicited. DH is so adamant that there is no more to it and that he is as surprised as me that she did this, but I’ve found it all so upsetting and unsettling.

I have quite a few things going on personally at the moment. My dad recently died and I have had a fall out with my mum, so am a little bit fragile just now which could possibly be adding to my uneasy feelings, but I can’t help feeling that there’s something more to this. I mean, who does that??

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Allaboutmeandyou · 07/12/2018 12:48

I think anyone with half a brain cell would be shocked if they saw those types of messages being sent to their husband. I think the posters using your father as an excuse for how you're feeling is rubbish.

You have children with him of course you are going to be concerned you wouldn't be human other wise. FWIW I don't think he has done anything from what you have posted. She was chancing her luck.

discodancersweetromancer · 07/12/2018 12:50

No previous form another20 although I have been aware of other women taking a shine to him in social and work situations before as he is so outgoing and friendly and very funny.

I think my mortification stems from me being a very private person with no wish to be caught up in any drama or gossip. And from my discomfort at having contacted this woman. Like I said, that’s very out of character for me. I still can’t quite believe I did. It’s not the kind of exchange I thought I’d ever be having with anyone.

Thank you Robin That’s lovely. I’ve been questioning myself for the contact. Was worried I had been undignified. Your words have given me comfort.

And as I said before I am so appreciative of everyone’s comments, on both sides of the fence.

I’m not going to push or try and investigate any further. I’m going to try my best to forget about it and enjoy Christmas as best I can with my family. But maybe I should be a little less naive perhaps, in future with regards to people’s intentions.

OP posts:
discodancersweetromancer · 07/12/2018 12:51

Thank you allaboutmeandyou It’s good to know my discomfort is valid and not just me being unnecessarily hysterical.

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 07/12/2018 12:59

I'd be tempted to message her from your DH's facebook account, saying something like "Hi, it's me. So sorry Disco saw your messages and contacted you but I've persuaded her not to speak to your sister. I was quite drunk at the party; all a bit embarrassing."

Then wait to see if/what she replies.

ImNotKitten · 07/12/2018 13:23

Mitzi you’re an evil genius.

Hope you’re ok OP. Horrible for you to be left with that churning feeling.

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 13:54

@Mitzimaybe why didn't I think of that

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2018 14:32

That's not 'genius' (Mitzi's post), it sounds desperate and a bit pathetic. If I were the husband and my wife did this, she'd be so low in my estimation and I'd be considering what to do next. If my wife couldn't/didn't trust me after my explanation, with no evidence to the contrary, then she wouldn't be the person I thought she was.

Thankfully, OP doesn't sound like a desperate mug.

OP - your husband texted you throughout the party. He hasn't replied to those texts. Please don't contact this woman again or her family. That is drama-seeking in the extreme and they will think less of you. Your husband has told you what happened (from his recollection). What is making you so uneasy? Do you not trust him?

I know from my own experience that when I feel low (as well you might, dealing with a bereavement, so sorry), I don't think as clearly and I don't see things in the same way as I do when all is well. Only you know what your husband is like. In your place, assuming that he's trustworthy and telling the truth, I'd ask him to tell her to stop contacting him immediately and, if she does it again then to 'fuck off'. He needs to do that though, not you.

I hope that your husband is supporting you through your bereavement and that you actually feel supported with this. You don't need this drama going on as well.

If it transpires that your husband is a louse then that's a different matter and you'll get support here if you want it.

Take care, OP Thanks

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/12/2018 14:46

I see what you're thinking Mitzi but I definitely wouldn't do that. Either she'll think he fancies her or if you reveal its you she'll think you're paranoid/crazy.

I really don't think anything happened, I think she sounds a bit desperate, fancied him and in her drunk over confidence thought she could start up a flirty chat with him.

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 07/12/2018 15:21

Firstly, well done for putting your foot down with her immediately. Regardless of what has actually happened, what she did was wrong. It was sneaky and quite obviously flirtatious.

I think it's pretty obvious something has happened and actually, I'd be more concerned about the ??? than the shhhh emojis. Only because I know people (I might be one of them Confused ) who use them as a sort of 'I'm drunk... don't tell anyone' emoji. The ??? suggests that they were together and then he suddenly left, which confused her. What they were doing together is obviously the question.

I honestly hope she's just an attention seeker who completely misread the signals and made a tit of herself. I really do x

Trinity66 · 07/12/2018 15:24

pretzelflipzaretheanswer That's what I was thinking originally about the ??? as well but someone else pointed out that it could also be "are you there?" as she posted them after the the wave and he didn't respond

discodancersweetromancer · 07/12/2018 16:10

Thank you lyingwitch and pretzel.

I wouldn’t dream of pretending to be my husband and messaging her. I can understand why others would but it’s just not me.

I did have a little look at her social media though. I know, I know but I couldn’t resist. Apparently she’s a ‘mumpreneur’ who, after turning her own life around, now wants to empower other women. I did raise an eyebrow at that. Hmm

Anyway, that’s as far as my stalking goes. I don’t want to contact her again, or speak to her family, or have my husband contact her. I just want to move on and try to forget about it.

Thank you. You have all given me much food for thought and helped me process my feelings and reactions to this incident.

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 07/12/2018 16:15

Apparently she’s a ‘mumpreneur’ who, after turning her own life around, now wants to empower other women

AHA!

She's in an MLM.

She probably just wanted to flog your husband some overpriced weight loss coffee/ make up/ sex toys. Grin

Trinity66 · 07/12/2018 16:27

now wants to empower other women

Oh does she now? By trying to shag their husbands? Hmm

And she wanted to discuss "business" with your DH? Maybe she was thinking of branching out to Dadpreneuring?? Grin

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 17:01

OP you're doing ok lovely Flowers

discodancersweetromancer · 07/12/2018 17:11

Grin countess and trinity you’ve made me laugh.

Thanks bumblebee. I don’t feel quite so wretched about it all today. I think I’ll be okay.

OP posts:
Lovethesun100 · 07/12/2018 17:13

Ssshh emoji's could be a joke about him being loud at the party ? You said he is loud/life and soul of party - maybe people at party were ribbing him for being loud ?

I think it would be very easy for her to search and find his profile on FB.

Well done for contacting her, your wording was timely and assertive !

I wouldn't think you have much to worry about, but worth keeping eyes and ears open.

PinaColada1 · 07/12/2018 17:39

I think it’s great that you texted her actually. She’s a sneaky selfish cow!

Sorry but she is. You don’t do that with someone’s husband with kids. It’s really low and attention seeking.

I’ve had women do this with my bf / husband far too many times! I wish I’d told them to back off too. It would have given me a bit of control and hopefully now you’ll be able to hold your head up high. She’d hate it if you’d texted her bf in the same way, so she should be ashamed and sorry.

ZenNudist · 07/12/2018 17:39

I think you dealt with it well. You aren't going to find out more.

People tying themselves in knots trying to find an innocent explanation. Mine is: ??? =Where did you go?/ are you there? Shhhh is that its secret between them kisses is her continuing the affection they have, number is call me. Id say kiss or at least him making it clear he liked her.

I would keep a watchful eye on your dh. Hes putting himself out there, whatever he might say.

Trinity66 · 07/12/2018 17:55

Oh OP, did you tell your DH that you messaged her and if so what was his reaction?

Robin2323 · 07/12/2018 18:12

He's not putting himself out there Hmm
Op, ignore that.
If these cheeky f** got the response you gave her, they maybe thinking twice about their behaviour, drunk or not.

discodancersweetromancer · 07/12/2018 19:12

I did tell him trinity and he said I was perfectly right to do so. He genuinely didn’t look worried or concerned that I had. He also said that I should ask her family and other neighbours about the party and his conduct at it. But as I’ve said, that’s definitely not something I’m going to do.

Thanks Pina and Robin.

OP posts:
easterholidays · 07/12/2018 19:18

It struck me that you said he didn't tell you she was coming on to him. I think if something had happened between them and he wanted to make an excuse that's exactly what he would have said. The fact that he didn't and seemed to be as baffled as you were by it points to nothing having happened, in my view.

Try to put it behind you, OP, I don't think you need to add this to your worries. I hope you have a nice family Christmas and a better year ahead. Flowers

Flaffable · 07/12/2018 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissConductUS · 07/12/2018 19:49

Men can be fairly oblivious about what's happening when a woman is coming on to them. I've seen that with my husband. I think he's just puzzled about it because he knows that she knows he's not available.

Sisterlove · 07/12/2018 22:07

You're very brave and assertive. I have admiration for how you dealt with this whole thing.