Neighbour’s sister sending my husband her number.

[discodancersweetromancer]

How would you feel about this? Can’t decide if I’m reading more into this than I should, or not.

Husband attended a party at our neighbours’ home at the weekend. I stayed home with the children as I was feeling unwell. He said he was only going for a few drinks, but actually ended up staying there till 3am.

I wasn’t concerned about this. I know how you can get swept up in a party. I texted him a couple of times throughout the evening, and both times he replied. All good. Or so I thought.

In work yesterday morning (we run our business together) and I went to set up something on one of our Macs. Saw a Facebook notification pop up on the screen. My husband’s Facebook. To be clear though, he never set this Facebook up himself. He has zero interest in any social media and this was set up for him by an employee so that he could do Facebook Live chats to other companies. He has done this twice in the last eight months.

I clicked on the Facebook and saw that he had private messages from my neighbour’s sister at 3.20am on Sunday morning. So just after he had left the party.

First was a ‘wave.’
Then a load of question marks.
Then four ‘shhhh’ face emojis.
Then her mobile number followed by kisses.

He hadn’t seen any of this and therefore there were no responses from him.

I was very upset, and asked him what had been going on at the party that would lead to her doing this??

He swears nothing and says he can’t understand why she did that. Says it was probably a drunken mistake and she is probably mortified about it. He says if he had wanted to swap numbers it would happened there and then, and that he cannot control someone contacting him on a Facebook that he doesn’t even use.

I text her and asked her why she had contacted my husband in this way as she knows he has a wife and young family. No response. I then said I would ask her family for answers if she had nothing to say. Immediately responds that she has no interest in my husband. She has a boyfriend. But that she and my husband had gotten on so well and she wanted to talk to him about business.

I said that kisses and emojis in the middle of the night didn’t say ‘business’ to me and that she was completely inappropriate. She apologised and admitted that yes she had been.

I feel so uneasy. My stomach has churned ever since. I guess I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone would do this unsolicited. DH is so adamant that there is no more to it and that he is as surprised as me that she did this, but I’ve found it all so upsetting and unsettling.

I have quite a few things going on personally at the moment. My dad recently died and I have had a fall out with my mum, so am a little bit fragile just now which could possibly be adding to my uneasy feelings, but I can’t help feeling that there’s something more to this. I mean, who does that??

Sorry for the essay!

And frankly, trying to pull this kind of "make sure the sister knows how baaaaad she's been" manoevre is likely to backfire, IMO. Like, she already got a message from the guy's wife in response to a single probably-drunk message. I would feel fairly suffocated were I the DH in question and I'd be fairly pissed off at the implication I'm expected to control my sister's messaging were I the neighbour. If the sister actually kissed (or whatever) the DH I imagine the neighbour already knows on account of its being her party.

How far apart were the messages sent?
Might explain the meaning better.

But that said ive texted my partner emojis when drunk that are totally meaningless and i have no idea what i was trying to say.

I'd give my partner a chance to tell exactly how the meeting happened, and what was said defensiveness would indicate guilt

Her email maybe was sahhhhuuussahhh because she was being a flirt ... you never know

I have seen women blatantly try it on with my husband. It usually goes right over his head. Some women can be brazen, particularly after drinking.

I don't think it makes sense to hang him over this.

There might have been some flirting, it might have been both ways - who knows?
He came home, you don't mention lipstick on his face or smelling of perfume, so I would assume he is innocent.

She on the other hand is a predatory female, thinks a jolly 'hail fellow, well met' type of man is an easy catch and is casting about desperately.

You have handled it well, but just to put a double-kybosh on her, I would mention it to her sister, in passing, along the lines of "is desperate Donna your sister okay? Head tilt. We had an odd message from her on the company Facebook old bag is after my DH and I wondered what kind of business she was in or was saying that the only thing she could think of as she was interested in doing some business shagging my DH but her message was a bit confused. Mine wasn't. Is she okay simper simper ?

I have seen women blatantly try it on with my husband. It usually goes right over his head. Some women can be brazen, particularly after drinking. Yep, me too MissConduct, even older women (who should know better) now that we're retired.

It's all about trust and knowing your partner. discodancer feels that she can trust her partner, just as I feel I can trust mine. In this situation I'd give my DH the benefit of the doubt as he's never given me cause to doubt him in the past. If the day ever comes where he proves me wrong, he'll be out the door so fast his head would spin. And I'd expect no less from him if I were to be guilty of infidelity.

I had my ex cheat on me.

On this occasion, unless OP you have suspected anything untoward before, I would believe him.

I see the shhhh emoji as something a drunk person would use because they are talking about themselves being drunk.

If they’re not party animals - why was he out until 3am?

This ^ And if she was coming on to him in a way he didn't^ enjoy he'd surely have come home earlier rather than later

Personally I liked sockunicorn's idea: I would get a £1 sim card and text the number with "why did you send that? my wife saw it!". see what she responds with

Ok. I’m back. Was having my colour done and had had a couple of glasses of wine while I was there to ease the pain. Hopefully I still make sense.

I’ve read all your posts and I’m grateful for every single one. It’s hard though because I agree with those of you who say no smoke without fire and all of your reasoning, but I can also see why others say that I have no proof that my husband did anything untoward, and that perhaps it was just a case of a drunk person with low self esteem misreading signals and chancing their luck.

Just to clear things up a bit, we are Scottish, and Scottish parties can have drinking that goes on until 3am and still not be very rock and roll. This is why I didn’t think twice about him coming home at that time, and wouldn’t have at all if I hadn’t found the messages.

I wasn’t desperately ill, and he was only across the street, so I’m honestly not concerned by that. Yes, it was probably a bit selfish of him, but as I said previously, I know how you can get caught up after a few drinks, and he is very sociable and likes a drink. I’m the same and have often ended up staying out later than I intended to.

With regards to the ages of the people who would have been attending the party - it was being hosted by my neighbour for her parents, who also happen to live in the street, and who I’m also on friendly terms with. So there was a wide range of ages present, including lots of children, though admittedly the kids wouldn’t be around at three in the morning.

My husband staying there till that time is not a case of ‘poncing’ alcohol off the neighbours, though that’s the first thing that’s made me chuckle today so thank you.

As far as I could tell, it looked like the messages had all come in quick succession. When I first saw them, I took the ???? to mean ‘is this the right person I’m looking for?’ though now having read some of your posts I am now questioning that. But I could drive myself crazy trying to decipher what a drunk person meant in the middle of the night.

The couple who’s anniversary it was are very devout catholics, and know me and my children. I certainly don’t think they would stand by and tolerate any ‘funny business’ shall we say, in front of them.

I just don’t know. I know I’m upset, but I’ve been so upset lately that I think I’m trying to work out whether my unease is symptomatic of how I’m feeling anyway just now, or whether it really is my spidey senses tingling.

I’m probably rambling. Sorry.

Also forgot to say, he didn’t say she was coming on to him. He says that his recollection though hazy, is that he was chatting with her like he was with everyone else.

It wasn’t a two minute conversation. They were in the same company. They probably did chat a load of rubbish. Maybe she did feel a connection with him. But he maintains that the follow up messages were completely unsolicited and as surprising to him as they were to me.

To draw a line under it ask your DH to either call or text her say he is disappointed that she did this and it has upset him........

Because to date you have managed it.
I do think it was just a drunk woman, flattered by a charming gregarious man and she misinterpreted it.

But you can't live in a world where your approach to fidelity in your relationship is to prevent your partner from ever having the opportunity by trying to control possible OW/OM behaviour

But that’s not what I said or what I meant Countess. If you read my posts you’ll see I tend to think the DH here is innocent.

Advising the OP to tell her sister isn’t about controlling the DH. I don’t think the OP’s DH needs controlled.

First message was a wave? 👋 quiet a normal greeting to a new friend on Facebook.

The second message was ????? Which in this context for me would be why aren't you replying (she doesn't know he doesn't use Facebook most people expect quick replies these days).

The 🤫 🤫 🤫 to me would suggest she was drunk and realised he was asleep wouldn't appreciate his phone beeping all the time.

The number well maybe she just wanted a chat maybe she wanted more her motives are not going to be something you ever know. People can read anything in to messages like this you know your husband if he is genuinely confused then I would trust him.

Thing is though itswinetime she didn’t add him as a friend. Which would have been a more public act. She waved, then private messaged the account.

I hardly ever go on Facebook anymore, but I’m guessing a wave isn’t made public to all on your feed, the way a such and such are now friends is??

No it isn't public and I'm not saying her motives were pure I'm just putting an alternative out there that doesn't have you husband in the wrong with kisses ect. As you don't know her and how she interacts/texts normally all you can go on is your husbands reactions I think. You know him do you believe he is genuinely confused by her?

I can see that string of messages being sent unsolicited in a situation where someone is drunk, took a shine to someone else, they've gone home and they've found them on Facebook and messaged them with drunk confidence. A string of question marks and shushing smileys could make sense to someone after a few glasses of wine whilst looking more suspect to a sober mind.

I would screenshot the messages to the boyfriend though. Cheeky bitch.

Completely itswinetime I’m genuinely not being confrontational. Just trying to be my own devil’s advocate. Apologies if I came across in a contrary fashion. I really do want to hear, and appreciate every different viewpoint.

lookatyourwatchnow you’ve made me laugh again so thank you. Cheeky bitch indeed. I hope anyway.

discodancersweetromancer absolutely not didn't take it that way at all just trying to further explain what I meant

Thank you itswinetime I’m so hypersensitive right now that I know I might be coming across a bit hysterical or strident. Thanks for understanding.

Why on earth would you even consider contacting her family?! that’s just weird!!

She is an adult. Her family have nothing to do with her actions.

You don’t even know if she/they are guilty of anything and you’re already talking about messaging her family as if she’s a young child that needs telling off from her parents? Take your suspicions out on your husband if you genuinely think something may have happened but don’t drag the whole street into ig

kennycalmit I completely agree. And it may have not come across this way, but the only reason I sent that text about her family was to prompt a response from her after she had ignored my initial text.

Believe me when I tell you that I am MORTIFIED about the whole sorry thing and the last thing I want to do is bring more attention to it.

I am completely aware that her family are in no way responsible for her or my husband’s actions.

Advising the OP to tell her sister isn’t about controlling the DH.

No, apparently it's about controlling the sister, which is even less appropriate and likely to be successful.

This just isn't really a big thing unless you already have serious trust problems in your relationship. The DH didn't even get the message, which says a) they aren't in touch b) he wasn't particularly bothered about being in touch. My advice would be to let it go, and certainly not pull any pass-agg juvenile moves like buying a phone to impersonate the DH or trying to get the neighbour to, IDK, scold her sister.

I agree. Can see it would be hurtful - but he's clearly not in contact and has no interest in her. You could turn yourself inside out trying to find out / play tricks / spy etc. I would let it go personally.

What on earth are YOU mortified for OP? That sounds like you are taking something really personally that you don’t own. I do think it may have been an over reaction to contact her directly. I would have expected your DH to do this which would indicate his innocence.

I do think this that you are very very raw emotionally and unless (which I don’t think you have answered yet on the thread) your DH has previous form as a flirt or cheat then you have nothing to worry about and should concentrate on giving yourself some space and peace to grieve - ask for your DH support to achieve this -or just watch to see if he is attentive to your needs at this time. That will tell you all you need to know about him.

I think the way you tread this women was perfect.
Very self assertive.
I'd be proud of my daughter if she acted as such.
Some women (sadly) are predatory.
This sent a very clear message and show you have are a person with very strong and healthy boundaries.
Respect!