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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Neighbour’s sister sending my husband her number.

152 replies

discodancersweetromancer · 06/12/2018 11:56

How would you feel about this? Can’t decide if I’m reading more into this than I should, or not.

Husband attended a party at our neighbours’ home at the weekend. I stayed home with the children as I was feeling unwell. He said he was only going for a few drinks, but actually ended up staying there till 3am.

I wasn’t concerned about this. I know how you can get swept up in a party. I texted him a couple of times throughout the evening, and both times he replied. All good. Or so I thought.

In work yesterday morning (we run our business together) and I went to set up something on one of our Macs. Saw a Facebook notification pop up on the screen. My husband’s Facebook. To be clear though, he never set this Facebook up himself. He has zero interest in any social media and this was set up for him by an employee so that he could do Facebook Live chats to other companies. He has done this twice in the last eight months.

I clicked on the Facebook and saw that he had private messages from my neighbour’s sister at 3.20am on Sunday morning. So just after he had left the party.

First was a ‘wave.’
Then a load of question marks.
Then four ‘shhhh’ face emojis.
Then her mobile number followed by kisses.

He hadn’t seen any of this and therefore there were no responses from him.

I was very upset, and asked him what had been going on at the party that would lead to her doing this??

He swears nothing and says he can’t understand why she did that. Says it was probably a drunken mistake and she is probably mortified about it. He says if he had wanted to swap numbers it would happened there and then, and that he cannot control someone contacting him on a Facebook that he doesn’t even use.

I text her and asked her why she had contacted my husband in this way as she knows he has a wife and young family. No response. I then said I would ask her family for answers if she had nothing to say. Immediately responds that she has no interest in my husband. She has a boyfriend. But that she and my husband had gotten on so well and she wanted to talk to him about business. Hmm

I said that kisses and emojis in the middle of the night didn’t say ‘business’ to me and that she was completely inappropriate. She apologised and admitted that yes she had been.

I feel so uneasy. My stomach has churned ever since. I guess I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone would do this unsolicited. DH is so adamant that there is no more to it and that he is as surprised as me that she did this, but I’ve found it all so upsetting and unsettling.

I have quite a few things going on personally at the moment. My dad recently died and I have had a fall out with my mum, so am a little bit fragile just now which could possibly be adding to my uneasy feelings, but I can’t help feeling that there’s something more to this. I mean, who does that??

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 06/12/2018 14:40

I’d be asking your neighbours conversationally how the party was - and comment on it going on late without specifying the time.

Because 3am is pretty late for a golden wedding anniversary of non party animals.

And if they told me it was all wrapped up by 1am, I’d be having serious words about 3am finish...

I’d also reply to the Facebook message, but it’s too obvious to say “what happened”. I’d just send 🤣 and see what she did.

Nkj8912 · 06/12/2018 14:41

Maybe she was intoxicated and was interested in him, its not unknown for a woman to throw herself at man who has a wife (vise versa)
That does not mean he showed her any interest.

You say she was drunk maybe she realised that good looking guy in the corner had left and decided to hunt him down on fb, being a bit desperate and inconsiderate she probably felt silly the nxt day

MrsGrindah · 06/12/2018 14:43

Also she admitted her message was inappropriate... why would you do that if it was 100% innocent?But in reality OP you will never know for sure so try to move on but this is on your “ watch list “ now

Nkj8912 · 06/12/2018 14:43

I agree

doyouneedtoknow · 06/12/2018 14:44

Similar story, other half went to a party years ago, I stayed home with sick child. A few days later our home phone rang and when I answered, it was silent. Five minutes later phone rings again and other half picks up and says "hello". From the other side of the room I can hear a voice say "Hello, it's me" but he keeps saying "Hello, hello" as if no one was there. He sits down and says "No-one there! My stomach churns and I say "Oh, so there was no one on the line? So why did I hear someone say "it's me?". He tries to make out I am mad, but in the end he admits that he drunkenly gave out his number at the party and nothing else happened. Anyway, a few days after this there are more calls and it turns out he had been having an affair for months. Other woman clearly had had enough and wanted to drop him in it, hence the calls to his home. I really hope this isn't the case for you, it was heartbreaking for me and I had no idea x

MirandaGoshawk · 06/12/2018 14:45

Your DH doesn't use FB, hasn't responded to her, and thanks to you, the woman in question knows the score, that he has a family, etc. He doesn't sound interested. I would leave it there and forget it.

MrsCar · 06/12/2018 14:46

If he was guilty of anything, or interested in her, he would have checked his Facebook, surely?

I'd believe him to be innocent, and that she was chasing him.

The ???? And the emojis don't mean much tbh I send random ones like that after a few glasses of wine too
It's the fact that she contacted him at all AND gave her number is what's really inappropriate

Trinity66 · 06/12/2018 14:49

That isn't how I saw it when I read the OP. The question marks are probably because he didn't reply to her. Then Shhh emojis because he still hasn't replied and is being quiet

You could be right, what's the world coming to when we're all sat here trying to decipher the meaning of Punctuation marks and emojis Grin

Seems like your DH doesn't want anything to do with her either way anyway OP, looks like he ditched her and the FB message was certainly her trying to find a way to contact him, since if he'd wanted contact with ehr he wouldn't have told her to use a medium that you and all his staff have access to and read

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 14:53

Mrscar but the OP has already said he didn’t even set up his own Facebook a client done it for him and it was for purely business so no he wouldn’t check his Facebook as he doesn’t use it . That doesn’t automatically make him innocent

Santasushi · 06/12/2018 14:55

I would believe him.

PinkCalluna · 06/12/2018 15:02

I know many MNers have been betrayed by partners and so cannot imagine how awful that must be but I really do think automatically assuming that a guy has cheated just because a drunk woman propositioned him is really unfair.

I’ve had drunk men proposition me at parties and nights out. Not because I “led them on” just because they were drunk and chancing their luck.

The same has happened to DH, as I said before a couple of times while I was actually standing next to him.

I’m not responsible for anyone else’s drunken behaviour. Neither is my DH.

I’d need a lot more reason to doubt his fidelity than some drunken text from a silly woman.

As I said I’d tell her sister how she behaved.

user1479305498 · 06/12/2018 15:12

I would ignore her past , we had a single mum employee who had split with a partner who was constantly hitting on women, what did she do, make a pain in the arse of constantly contacting my H for generic chit chats, always with emojis, apparently he ‘wasn’t her type’ but was enough of her type to get right up my nose!!

CountessVonBoobs · 06/12/2018 15:20

I'm unclear why people are so keen on telling the neighbour "how her sister behaved". Is she supposed to lock her sister in her room and not let her out next time? Or lecture an adult woman on how to behave at parties? The neighbour is not responsible for her sister's behaviour.

discodancersweetromancer · 06/12/2018 15:30

Still here. Was picking the kids up now dashing to hair appointment. I shall return.

OP posts:
PinaColada1 · 06/12/2018 15:30

He’s definitely flirted and maybe kissed. He’s crossed a line but maybe just a toe over it.

However if this is totally out of character, and crucially he’s not gone super sneaky and locked his phone, then this isn’t necessarily the full on cheating scenario.

He shouldn’t have stayed until 3am really. He’s chancing and rocking your relationship. Time for him to jolt back into appreciating you.

PowerPantsRule · 06/12/2018 15:36

OP I really feel for you...whatever happened he should not have stayed out til 3 am and got really drunk, given you are grieving and unwell. Not a kind thing to do.

SuperSuperSuper · 06/12/2018 15:49

I think they flirted and maybe kissed, he buggered off home without offering to exchange numbers, and she decided to pursue it via social media. I'd put it down to a drunken aberration.

KungFuPandaWorks · 06/12/2018 15:54

I'm shocked how many are presuming he must have kissed her, because of message she has sent. He can't control what she sends when drunk. I'd more inclined to presume something had gone on if she put something like
"✊💦👄" , putting 🤫🤫 is hardly code for something happened.

redfruitgum · 06/12/2018 15:58

I'd for my sanity probably just quiz the neighbour on the party. Not make it out like you are on a trail but just casually, jeez what was the party like you had the other night? DH said it went on till 3am. I bet you and your sister had fun clearing that mess up in the morning haha etc. You'll find out then if the party did in fact go on till 3am then and you'll get her to open who this sister is and you can follow up asking who she is etc.

nameiswigglywoo · 06/12/2018 16:00

Ellis makes a very good point.

I think I'd casually drop into conversation "gosh what time did the party wrap up in the end, I could hear something going on till the early hours but wasn't sure if it was you? Did you have a nice time etc etc"

I don't think it's normal to send messages like that if there was just standard friendly conversation, even after a bit of flirtatious banter. I'd find it hard to trust what DH said if he received messages like that. That's not to say you shouldn't by the way.

She could just be really odd and has taken the "banter" a bit too far. If it was anything dodgy, surely he wouldn't be so stupid to do anything in full view of your neighbours?

Sorry to hear about the awful time you've been having op. Thanks x

PinkCalluna · 06/12/2018 16:50

The neighbour is not responsible for her sister's behaviour.

Of course she isn’t Countess but approbation from her family is likely to forestall any further bad behaviour on the sister's part.

Illicit messaging to a guy is much less exciting if you sister and his wife know about it.

Bad behaviour should also have a light shone on it. No secrets allowed.

rainbowquack · 06/12/2018 17:00

I would leave it for now, but keep a close eye on things.

pudding21 · 06/12/2018 17:02

OP: I had a similar thing happen to me in the summer. I was out with friends, bumped into some other people, had a really fun night, ended up chatting to a guy and we played pool, had a nice connection and banter. I was single at the time, but left thinking nothing off it just that he was a nice guy.

Literally 10 minutes after getting home he had added me to facebook and was chatting, I did a bit of digging and found out he was married.

My point is, we were having a laugh, and he wanted it to carry on over facebook messenger and see where it lead. However the sssshhhhh thing would have me wondering, either he encouraged her, or something happened or she was just all drunk and giddy and trying to engage him.

Either way, it doesn't sound like your husband encouraged contact, else the conversation may have gone like this: " How can I contact you again? "Do you have facebook"? ........"Yeah, but i dont use it much, heres my phone number instead". Clearly he didnt give out his phone number else she would have contacted him that way.

She contacted him, he doesnt use facebook, i would say she was eager and keen on him, maybe he flirted back and gave her an impression he was interested. but left the party not expecting further contact.

Dadaist · 06/12/2018 17:22

I think it’s totally obvious - she was so utterly drunk as to find his Facebook profile and ‘drunk message’ him at 3.20 am - and the message sounds equally stupidly drunk and inappropriate. OP - she took a shine to him and acted on it while shit faced, having just met him and see him leave. I don’t think your DH can have solicited her contact - because there’s no way he’s have suggested she look him up on his business Facebook that he never uses! Maybe they flirted - maybe not - but in the scheme of things, maybe you’re letting the much larger stresses you’ve experienced lately allow you to feel more vulnerable. It’s good it’s out in the open and it doesn’t sound as if your DH has been completely deceitful - but possibly a bit naive or enjoying attention? - and now he will see the dangers of allowing strange (drunk?) women at parties to assume they might find an opening!

CountessVonBoobs · 06/12/2018 17:32

approbation from her family is likely to forestall any further bad behaviour on the sister's part.

But you can't live in a world where your approach to fidelity in your relationship is to prevent your partner from ever having the opportunity by trying to control possible OW/OM behaviour. You can't even control your own partner's behaviour. Either you trust a partner to say no when someone makes a pass or you don't. Women may well flirt with the OP's husband again without her knowledge. Without his cooperation they won't get anywhere.