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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Neighbour’s sister sending my husband her number.

152 replies

discodancersweetromancer · 06/12/2018 11:56

How would you feel about this? Can’t decide if I’m reading more into this than I should, or not.

Husband attended a party at our neighbours’ home at the weekend. I stayed home with the children as I was feeling unwell. He said he was only going for a few drinks, but actually ended up staying there till 3am.

I wasn’t concerned about this. I know how you can get swept up in a party. I texted him a couple of times throughout the evening, and both times he replied. All good. Or so I thought.

In work yesterday morning (we run our business together) and I went to set up something on one of our Macs. Saw a Facebook notification pop up on the screen. My husband’s Facebook. To be clear though, he never set this Facebook up himself. He has zero interest in any social media and this was set up for him by an employee so that he could do Facebook Live chats to other companies. He has done this twice in the last eight months.

I clicked on the Facebook and saw that he had private messages from my neighbour’s sister at 3.20am on Sunday morning. So just after he had left the party.

First was a ‘wave.’
Then a load of question marks.
Then four ‘shhhh’ face emojis.
Then her mobile number followed by kisses.

He hadn’t seen any of this and therefore there were no responses from him.

I was very upset, and asked him what had been going on at the party that would lead to her doing this??

He swears nothing and says he can’t understand why she did that. Says it was probably a drunken mistake and she is probably mortified about it. He says if he had wanted to swap numbers it would happened there and then, and that he cannot control someone contacting him on a Facebook that he doesn’t even use.

I text her and asked her why she had contacted my husband in this way as she knows he has a wife and young family. No response. I then said I would ask her family for answers if she had nothing to say. Immediately responds that she has no interest in my husband. She has a boyfriend. But that she and my husband had gotten on so well and she wanted to talk to him about business. Hmm

I said that kisses and emojis in the middle of the night didn’t say ‘business’ to me and that she was completely inappropriate. She apologised and admitted that yes she had been.

I feel so uneasy. My stomach has churned ever since. I guess I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone would do this unsolicited. DH is so adamant that there is no more to it and that he is as surprised as me that she did this, but I’ve found it all so upsetting and unsettling.

I have quite a few things going on personally at the moment. My dad recently died and I have had a fall out with my mum, so am a little bit fragile just now which could possibly be adding to my uneasy feelings, but I can’t help feeling that there’s something more to this. I mean, who does that??

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
LifesABeachCoaster · 06/12/2018 13:26

I too would tell the neighbour that I didn't appreciate such behaviour towards my family

Imagine the humiliation if he had encouraged the behaviour tho

Loughers · 06/12/2018 13:28

You're all being terribly polite.

Heed Occam's razor.

They've had a drunken fumble and she (and possibly he who knows?)wanted to take it further.

Take it from me - your DH at this minute is absolutely bricking himself now that you're aware....

MorrisZapp · 06/12/2018 13:30

No, you can't possibly approach your neighbour to complain. It's like asking them to call off their dogs or something. Your dh is perfectly capable of dealing with this without needing your intervention. He's a person, not an object or possession.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 06/12/2018 13:33

How likely is it though that they had a fumble at your average, suburban house party full of middle aged people?

AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2018 13:33

At the very 'worst' I'd see the ???? as her saying 'How 'bout it?'. Which still means that she was the pursuer and that nothing happened other than some tipsy flirting.

Assuming he's never given you cause to worry in the past, I'd go with her trying it on with him, him maybe a little tipsy flattered flirting. Not wise of him, but stupidity rather than 'intent to stray'.

You've given both of them a good fright, I'd say. Now try to relax. Keep it filed away in the dusty attics of your head but don't let it affect you.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you and your mum can work it out. The time period around the death of a loved one is so hard to navigate.

Loughers · 06/12/2018 13:35

"How likely is it though that they had a fumble at your average, suburban house party full of middle aged people?"

My oh my - you've lived a sheltered life haven't you ?

diddl · 06/12/2018 13:41

" Says it was probably a drunken mistake and she is probably mortified about it. "

So why didn't she say so to Op straight away?

I actually think that staying out until 3a is quite inconsiderate when your OH isn't very well.

Storm4star · 06/12/2018 13:42

Some women who have been cheated on themselves seem to develop this attitude of "well a woman was happy enough to take my husband from me, so why shouldn't I take someone else's husband" I've seen it before.

I personally also thinks it's suspicious but realistically I don't see how you'll ever find out the truth of whether something happened at the party or not. If this woman is not a part of your lives in any way from here on in then I'm not sure there's much else you can do.

redfruitgum · 06/12/2018 13:42

Most likely a case of no smoke without fire in this situation. Not what you want to hear probably but something must have happened for this woman to get the idea of sending suggestive texts like that.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 06/12/2018 13:42

PinkCalluna

Even if that were the case (and it’s unlikely I think, who refers to their neighbours as ‘the surname’ outside of television shows? Likely she’d say ‘sally and joe from next door’), something clearly gave this lady the idea to find him and message him on Facebook, which would indicate that she thought it’d be well received. People don’t do that just out of the blue. He gave her some kind of signal that would be welcome based on the tone of the message, it sounds very familiar, she hasn’t said ‘hey it’s name from the party, great to meet you tonight, thanks for offering to talk business, hope to hear soon’ not a shhh emoji, question marks and her number.

babybunny123 · 06/12/2018 13:44

I found texts on an old phone hidden by my ex. He said that they were off a woman who worked next door to him and she fancied him but he thought she was a 'minger' his words and she certainly was. I really wanted to believe him but I couldn't settle and became a detective. I found out that they were indeed having an affair. So after 19 years of marriage I chucked him out, there is no smoke without fire.

noenergy · 06/12/2018 13:44

I would have a chat with your neighbour to see if she has an explanation or knows anything. The Emoji is very suss

zippey · 06/12/2018 13:45

I’d think about going on his FB and pretending to be him. She doesn’t know that he doesn’t use his FB.

Something like “I had a great time the other night. Ohhhh I was so drunk I can’t remember half of what what happened - err what actually did happen?” blah blah blah

Mixedbags · 06/12/2018 13:47

Your gut is telling you something might have happened and it’s raised your spider senses. Instead of focusing on the woman focus on your husband. Sit him down and look him in the eye. Tell him you have received a message from the woman explaining it was a drunken kiss and she was very apologetic; watch for his reaction. Tell him he now has a chance to tell you honestly what happened. This will tell you a lot (verbal and non verbal clues), (he may be innocent but I would call his bluff). I would need to know either way. Has anything changed about his behaviour to you or family members? Have you seen the neighbours face to face since the night? If they know something they may be shifty?

Thanksandnext · 06/12/2018 13:47

I think you did the right thing in contacting her straight away. Hopefully that will be enough to ensure she backs off.

Thanksandnext · 06/12/2018 13:48

And your husband too of course.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 06/12/2018 13:48

If she'd had a few wines the shhh emojis may just have meant why are you being silent/not responding. The ???? could also mean why not reply to the wave.

Steamedbadger · 06/12/2018 13:48

I would totally ask the neighbour even if you're not great friends. "Oi Neighbour, I'm sorry but I have to ask, your sister was sending my husband dodgy Facebook messages in the middle of the night after your party. Any idea why?" Then observe reaction. But maybe that's just me.

badirene · 06/12/2018 13:49

I agree with @Loughers Listen to you gut OP, something is telling you that something is not right.

He did drink a lot and so some of his recollection of the evening is a little hazy but he swears that nothing untoward or out of the ordinary occurred with this woman. Finding it difficult to believe though.

He is already setting up an excuse in case anything else comes out about what happened at that party. Be alert for now.

discodancersweetromancer · 06/12/2018 13:49

It’s actually a very large house over four levels that my neighbours have. Probably be more opportunity there for clandestine goings on unnoticed, than in my flat or any smaller home.

The party itself would not have been of the crazy rock and roll variety. It was a golden wedding and the family are very lovely but not the biggest party animals.

Acrossthepond I think I’m going to try and heed your advice and do my best to move on. I don’t want to upset this time of year for my children. I know that may come across as sticking my head in the sand, but without any further information I don’t think I can LTB.

I guess time may tell if I’ve made the right decision. Thank you everyone for your input. I have a feeling I’ll be rereading your posts all day.

OP posts:
HettySunshine · 06/12/2018 13:49

I'm so sorry op but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

I think he cheated, maybe not sex but definitely something he needed to shush about. He probably told her he was going to get another drink/ nipping to the loo and fled home hence the question marks when she couldn't find him.

Hellozzz · 06/12/2018 13:50

They may have been a bit of flirting, maybe not.
I think you have handled it the best way.
You have put a stop to any continued communication.

I think you need to let this go, you have been through a tough time, try and be kind to yourself. Keep an eye on things but I think you have nipped any inappropriate behaviour in the bud.

I think sometimes MN people are too quick to stir and say LTB. I also think "emotional affairs" are sometimes blown out of all proportion.
Marriage has ups and downs and you have to navigate the journey.

Good luck with everything.

sockunicorn · 06/12/2018 14:00

i would get a £1 sim card and text the number with "why did you send that? my wife saw it!". see what she responds with. Also if he asks you about the text then clearly theyre in contact.

Doje · 06/12/2018 14:02

OP, I think I'd you've no other reason to doubt your husband then I'd chalk this up to a drunken night. My first thought was that the sshh emojis were because it was three am and you'd need to be quiet! Maybe they'd talked about meeting up and he'd thought the better of it the next day after realising it could be interpreted badly / as flirty? If my DH had done this I'd not be concerned.

Robin2323 · 06/12/2018 14:06

She was just chancing her luck.
If she's had s rough time of late
So when someone handsome and charismatic and seemly on his own got chatting away to her she lapped up the attention.
Your dp would be totally oblivious.
Sorry for your loss Thanks