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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad is this? I think I’m minimising

100 replies

TheLittleSparrow · 04/12/2018 04:24

bit of background: I grew up with an extremely violent father who would inflict the most horrendous physical abuse on my mum. It continued throughout my childhood and as a result I have been left with skewed boundaries as to what is acceptable in relationships. I’ve been in therapy for years with different counsellors/psychotherapists but I still have problems with self esteem and with identifying abusive behaviour.

I’m in a relationship now with someone who constantly blames everything on me to the point where I feel that I am the problem. Some examples:

He criticises my mannerisms, the way I speak, the clothes I wear but will say he is ‘joking’
He sometimes questions my whereabouts and will try to trip me up I.e he will ask me to repeat to him again exactly what I was doing and will look for discrepancies in my answer. He will then say that I changed my response or that I said something I don’t remember saying and I end up tied up in knots
He is extremely paranoid to the point where he has asked me to FaceTime him when I am not with him. He says it’s because he ‘misses my pretty face’ but I am sure that is not the reason as once I couldn’t FaceTime him (I was visiting a relative who lives rurally and I had poor phone reception/data) and he said he’d driven to my house to check that I wasn’t there. He said his gut was telling him that I’d lied about my whereabouts and he thought I was at home with another man
I told him I wanted to break up with him a month ago and he grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving his house. He called me a cunt and shouted at me. When he finally calmed down he said he was sorry but he loves me so much and is scared to lose me. He also said he finds me very difficult to be in a relationship with and he thinks I am emotionally abusive towards him.

None of this is ok is it? This isn’t me causing these problems? I feel like he is fucking with my head everyday and I can’t see the wood for the trees. He’s started saying his friends and family are concerned about how I treat him but that if he is happy with me then he will just have to put up with it.

I’m awake at this time of the morning because I can’t sleep due to anxiety. He told me that he’s been treated badly in all his past relationships so that is the only thing that makes me think it can’t be me in the wrong - the common denominator is him and he can’t have been unlucky enough for every women he has met to have been abusive or a cheat surely? Although I also know he is still friends with his exes friends so if he was that awful then surely they wouldn’t want anything to do with him?

Any advice or wise words would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
giftsonthebrain · 04/12/2018 04:29

It’s bad. You need to leave and be in a safe place.

Elllicam · 04/12/2018 04:31

It’s not you, it’s him. He isn’t friends with his exes is he? Just the friends. Because he’s so plausible and seems so lovely and it’s so hard to put your finger on what’s wrong. I’m pretty sure I’ve been in a relationship with this exact guy. I was so happy to end it. You don’t need a reason to dump him, he’s not a good guy.

Mokepon · 04/12/2018 04:40

He sounds really vile. He is showing you who he is and it won't get any better.
Please get away from this horrible man.
You will be much happier, i bet you.

Original poster
TheLittleSparrow · 04/12/2018 04:42

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head ellicam His friends all say to me that he’s such a nice man which is what has thrown me; he’s like Jekyll and Hyde. To the outside world he is lovely but he has this awful side that only I seem to see. The worst thing I find is the ups and downs - he can be very loving and sweet and then a few days later he’ll switch. He blows hot and cold several times a week. During the ‘cold’ times he’s very distant, becomes super protective of his phone (which makes me wonder what he’s up to), becomes paranoid and critical. Then he will have a few days where he will smother me with compliments, tells me he wants to marry me and puts me back on the pedestal. It’s exhausting.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 04/12/2018 04:50

You know exactly what you're dealing with here and you know how off he is. The difficulty is in trusting yourself, especially when other people are telling you how great he is. I had a really long and awful relationship and the people around me - family and a therapist - were full of excuses and 'It's not him, it's you'. I grew uo always thinking I was wrong and it's such a hard habit break. I believe you. He's controlling, toxic and untrustworthy. Can you step off this rollercoaster?

Bluerussian · 04/12/2018 04:51

TheLittleSparrow, you need to get out NOW!

TanteRose · 04/12/2018 04:55

please watch this
its the Mumsnet video on Coercive Control. I think you know what you have to do.

Broken11Girl · 04/12/2018 04:55

No, this isn't ok, love. He's a controlling, suspicious gaslighting twat. You sound like you're thinking well at least he doesn't hit you, but emotional abuse is just as bad. And he is from the sound of it emotionally abusing you. You don't deserve to be made to feel so bad. There is no criteria of 'is he bad enough to leave', you don't need permission to break up with him. Instead ask yourself why stay in a relationship that is toxic and making you miserable when you could find a nice man who will make you happy. You don't deserve this. He's a twat and things could escalate. You're not minimising. Dump him Flowers

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 04/12/2018 04:56

You are minimizing. It is bad. Get out NOW!

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 04/12/2018 05:09

Be careful getting out. Often when abusers think you are actually really about to leave, that is the most dangerous time. Get all your things in order and get to a safe place with people you trust - NOT mutual friends. There are organisations that will help you. If you need, the police will accompany you to collect your stuff from the house.

Original poster
TheLittleSparrow · 04/12/2018 05:10

Thank you for linking that video tante and thank you everyone for your replies. I am very glad I posted.

I know what I need to do. I’m a bit worried about his reaction when I end it. He really lost it when I told him I wanted to break up before so I won’t do it in person. I think over the phone and then block on everything?

I have to get rid of him. I can’t carry on like this. I feel like I’ve been living on my nerves for the past few months, have lost so much weight to the point where my boss has noticed and asked if everything is ok and I’m on beta blockers for panic attacks.

OP posts:
Esspee · 04/12/2018 05:17

Go now. You deserve so much better. Flowers

pococops · 04/12/2018 05:25

he sounds an immature arse and could potentially get worse, so yes get out now although I think it may take some doing for him to leave you alone following the breakup. Be very clear with him, block and move on. It will be hard but best in the long run Flowers

TanteRose · 04/12/2018 05:37

the thing is, coercive control is an offence under UK law, just like physical domestic abuse, so if you are really worried, you can go to the police for advice.

and in your case, I'm afraid your partner sounds dangerous - please be very careful Flowers

www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-35192364/controlling-domestic-abuse-new-law-introduced

MrsCatE · 04/12/2018 05:39

Echo all above. I think you need to have friends on call / with you when you tell him to get out of your life. Be prepared to have loads of verbal (hopefully not physical) abuse interspersed with loads of love bombing and then more threats. I would do it by phone - he doesn't deserve a face to face discussion. Are you sure he doesn't have access to your house? Has he ever been in possession of house or car keys?

Also expect (as already experienced) that you're the one who has issues / violent / MH problems.

Look after yourself - you need to get well again and give yourself some time to heal! Flowers

Oh, just as an aside, he's a grade one arse hole. X

Letshopeitsallok · 04/12/2018 05:49

He could be the loveliest person ever all the time and you still wouldn’t have to be in a relationship with him.

But this bad, awful abuse. It will only get worse.

Yes do not end it again in person. Even a phone call he can get under your skin, you can text that it’s over. Call Women’s aid and ask for advice about how to keep yourself safe.

BurpAndRustle · 04/12/2018 06:15

It’s bad. Leave.

mirren3 · 04/12/2018 06:39

Oh lovely, you know it's not you.
Please do it today, and once you've done it do not let him back in your home. Keep the door locked and definitely block him on all social media, you don't need or deserve this idiot in your life.

mogratpineapple · 04/12/2018 11:58

I knew how this was going to turn out as soon as you mentioned his 'jokes'. Banter is a sneaky way to have a go.

This is not ok, he is not ok. Get away ASAP

ErickBroch · 04/12/2018 12:23

I was you. I had to send constant video evidence and FT to prove where I was, everything you have said is what I lived with.

I finally found the courage to leave and his reaction was abhorrent, included revenge porn and him being arrested and convicted for everything he did AFTER I left him.

Please leave sooner than later, the further this goes the worse it will be for you to try and leave someone like this.

Wishing you the best - I hope you are ok!

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2018 12:47

I didn't even need to read it all.
Just the first bit!
Yes.... it's really bad.
End this now.
Please contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme.
This will help you spot red flags far sooner and set your boundaries.
Please don't embark on other relationships until you have completed this course.
Well done on recognising it!
Now do something about it.
Get him gone!

mogratpineapple · 04/12/2018 13:01

Yes, I second the Freedom Programme. This is brilliant because it tells you what a good relationship/behaviour is like, so many don't know, including you. Really this should be taught in schools.

Batteriesallgone · 04/12/2018 13:04

You don’t owe anyone a relationship.

I hope you are ok and find a way to break it off.

Conventicle · 04/12/2018 13:10

You're minimising. It's very bad. Get some support in place and get out as soon as you can. And as others have said, you don't owe anyone a relationship. He might be the nicest man on the planet, but if the relationship wasn't making you happy for any reason, then you have the right to end it -- you don't have to have some kind of external 'objective' proof or validation that he's abusive.

And yes, the Freedom Programme sounds like an excellent idea for the future. Good luck, OP.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/12/2018 13:10

More red flags than a communist parade. You need to get out. It is him, he will not get better and in fact will almost certainly escalate the abuse over time.

If it hasn't been recommended already I urge you to read Why DOes He do That by Lundy Bankroft. It will make a lot of sense of what you are dealing with.