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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad is this? I think I’m minimising

100 replies

TheLittleSparrow · 04/12/2018 04:24

bit of background: I grew up with an extremely violent father who would inflict the most horrendous physical abuse on my mum. It continued throughout my childhood and as a result I have been left with skewed boundaries as to what is acceptable in relationships. I’ve been in therapy for years with different counsellors/psychotherapists but I still have problems with self esteem and with identifying abusive behaviour.

I’m in a relationship now with someone who constantly blames everything on me to the point where I feel that I am the problem. Some examples:

He criticises my mannerisms, the way I speak, the clothes I wear but will say he is ‘joking’
He sometimes questions my whereabouts and will try to trip me up I.e he will ask me to repeat to him again exactly what I was doing and will look for discrepancies in my answer. He will then say that I changed my response or that I said something I don’t remember saying and I end up tied up in knots
He is extremely paranoid to the point where he has asked me to FaceTime him when I am not with him. He says it’s because he ‘misses my pretty face’ but I am sure that is not the reason as once I couldn’t FaceTime him (I was visiting a relative who lives rurally and I had poor phone reception/data) and he said he’d driven to my house to check that I wasn’t there. He said his gut was telling him that I’d lied about my whereabouts and he thought I was at home with another man
I told him I wanted to break up with him a month ago and he grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving his house. He called me a cunt and shouted at me. When he finally calmed down he said he was sorry but he loves me so much and is scared to lose me. He also said he finds me very difficult to be in a relationship with and he thinks I am emotionally abusive towards him.

None of this is ok is it? This isn’t me causing these problems? I feel like he is fucking with my head everyday and I can’t see the wood for the trees. He’s started saying his friends and family are concerned about how I treat him but that if he is happy with me then he will just have to put up with it.

I’m awake at this time of the morning because I can’t sleep due to anxiety. He told me that he’s been treated badly in all his past relationships so that is the only thing that makes me think it can’t be me in the wrong - the common denominator is him and he can’t have been unlucky enough for every women he has met to have been abusive or a cheat surely? Although I also know he is still friends with his exes friends so if he was that awful then surely they wouldn’t want anything to do with him?

Any advice or wise words would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 04/12/2018 13:14

Being with him is affecting you mentally and physically if you need meds op.
End it ASAP. Be kind to yourself over the festive period and start 2019 a new you!!
You can do it you know!!
End it.
Block him.
Be prepared for him to not accept it - do not be afraid to ring the police if he gets nasty. This is all his doing remember.

YogaDrone · 04/12/2018 13:16

Please TheLittleSparrow read the pinned thread at the top of the Relationships board - Right, listen up everybody

In fact, just read the opening post if you don't have time for more.

You are worth so much more than this Flowers

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/12/2018 13:17

He told me that he’s been treated badly in all his past relationships

No controller or abuser has ever said "honestly, I'm just a nasty piece of shit". They all have excuses, invariably ones that paint them as the poor victims. It's all irrelevent. All that matters is how they treat their partners. There is no acceptable excuse for abuse.

Although I also know he is still friends with his exes friends so if he was that awful then surely they wouldn’t want anything to do with him

Stop looking for reasons to question your own judgement. You know he treats you badly. You know how he makes you feel. That's what matters. Besides, abusers are very good at maintaining a good public image so it's unsurpirsing if his exs' friends are still on good terms with him.

KlutzyDraconequus · 04/12/2018 13:23

Personally, I'd get somewhere far away from where you live. A friend's will do.
Then send him a message saying it's over and you don't ever want to see him ever again and that if he turns up at your home you will consider it as harassment and will contact the police immediately. Send it with delivery reports on or over WhatsApp so the blue ticks show as read, or via email with read reports on etc.
As soon as you know he's read it or received it, block him on everything.
I'd even consider changing number shortly thereafter.
Stay away for a night at least because he sounds the sort to be round and banging your door. Etc.
Maybe warn neighbours to keep ear out etc.

Missingstreetlife · 04/12/2018 13:26

Run

Knittink · 04/12/2018 13:27

Even one of the examples you gave in your original post would be reason enough to end the relationship. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is: none.

skinnyamericano · 04/12/2018 13:35

There is someone much, much nicer out there for you 💐

Original poster
TheLittleSparrow · 04/12/2018 14:01

I’m just getting my ducks in a row...I’m going to go home after work, get some belongings and then go to a friends house where I will stay for a few days. Then I’ll message him, dump him and block.

To the poster who suggested I give my neighbours a heads up, that is a great idea - I’ll speak to them later. I definitely think he’ll turn up at mine as he has done that before when I’ve tried to break up with him previously.

Feeling nervous and relieved at the same time. Thank you to all of you for helping me with this.

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 04/12/2018 14:09

Go you! Well done.

lifebeginz · 04/12/2018 15:14

OP this is so similar to what I went through I could almost be convinced you are with my ex. This is control and abuse and scary as it seems you need to leave, I thought i couldn't but I did. It wasn't easy but life is so much better now. This is not normal and you do not deserve this. if you need to chat please feel free to PM me.

buckingfrolicks · 04/12/2018 15:26

You can do it! You'll feel a zillion times better without that shit in your life. You seem sensible and capable - you'll find the right man in time. Good luck

Original poster
TheLittleSparrow · 04/12/2018 15:48

Thank you all for the supportive messages Flowers

I swear he has a sixth sense that knows when I’m thinking of leaving him, he is being super nice today Hmm It’s not swaying me though. I am counting down until I can leave work and get shot of him.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/12/2018 16:32

Glad to hear this op. Please leave

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2018 16:35

Well done OP.
If he gets threatening then please don't hesitate to call 999.
But have a couple of restful days at your friends.
You got this!

cakecakecheese · 04/12/2018 16:47

It doesn't matter how he presents himself to the world, it's how he treats you that matters and it's not good at all. The fact that he's gone all nice just shows what kind of a manipulator he is.

Going to your friend's is a great idea, good luck and stay safe.

purplecorkheart · 04/12/2018 16:49

An street angel, house devil. Please please please get away from him.

smiler0206 · 04/12/2018 17:16

You need to leave. It is not you at all. He is manipulating you and making you believe that it is your fault. This is how a domestic violence relationship starts and it will keep getting worse and eventually he will be beating you. Sounds drastic but I have seen this before, a couple of times. Don't let him beat you down any more, just go and if he keeps hassling you then get the police to take an injunction out on him so he isn't aloud to contact you. You are worth so much better than this

StormTreader · 04/12/2018 17:20

You absolutely need to leave, and as soon as possible.

Transpeaked · 04/12/2018 17:28

I didn’t need to read past the first paragraph.

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE

LTB, lovely. Please.

Transpeaked · 04/12/2018 17:30

Also, being friends with his exes friends:

  1. Creepy
  2. There’s the possibility that these were used as his flying monkeys - my ex did that to me. Came across as an utter saint and wheedled his way in when I was very vulnerable as I had fallen ill. He managed to gain their support, they saw me as paranoid.
Cawfee · 04/12/2018 17:31

You are minimising. His behaviour is not normal and not ok. I’ve had lots of partners and none of them have ever acted like that and some of them were abandoned by their parents etc so bad childhoods and still they didn’t act like that. He’s not right. Get out. Good luck. You can do it

CitrusFruit9 · 04/12/2018 17:35

Agree with all PP have said about this deeply unpleasant and creepy man and I think your plan to leave first to a friend's place and then tell him is an excellent one. Make it clear in your text that you do not want any contact with him ever again and keep a copy of the text.

Best wishes for your fabulous future!

sackrifice · 04/12/2018 17:44

He also said he finds me very difficult to be in a relationship with and he thinks I am emotionally abusive towards him.

Classic DARVO - Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

He doesn't deserve to lick the dirt off yer boots.

sackrifice · 04/12/2018 17:45

And don't tell him which friend's you are at, park your car round the corner if he knows where she might live, and get your neighbour to report back on if they see him hanging around.

EKGEMS · 04/12/2018 17:54

Good luck OP! I grew up in a household with DV though not as severe as you and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Stay safe and strong and enjoy your life without that bastard.