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Original poster

3 years and not met his kids or mum and dad

104 replies

chloeblower · 03/12/2018 16:26

met my partner after a messy divorce of 20 years ,

he has 3 boys and i have one girl, he stays with us when he hasnt got his kids but when he has them we dont see him at all.

at first it wasnt an issue as i thought that would his time with his kids he had been broken from. the first xmas we were together he had dinner at his mum and dads with his kids and was his mums birthday on boxing day he went round there to with is kids . wasnt that long in the relationship so didnt really make anything of it.

then last xmas he had them xmas eve so we booked xmas day out the 3 of us, stll going to his mums boxing day with his kids and us not getting a invite. ( felt hurt ) as it wasnt a normal day .

through this year we have fell out on and of about meeting the kids and his mum and dad but it never has happened. said we would go for something to eat with his parents and its never happened.

we had booked a nice restaurant this year for all of us but he decided i would be too expensive for all of us so that got cancelled and he was going to do something at home, nothing set on stone and still hadn't met the kids yet so that would be awkward. so in the end ive invited myself to a family member me and my daughter.

i have mentioned to him if hes going to his mums again but i dont thinks he being honest with me, just doesnt like taking about it.
his older son goes when the other two do and his girfriend goes who i also have never met

when i tell my friends they say it isnt right? im starting to feel not good about the situation

the kids arent babies neither 18, 16.14

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 03/12/2018 23:04

I had this (except no kids involved) my ex didn't want to introduce me to his family. His parents were in Scotland but his sisters lived on his road. He was also not sorting out his divorce. It was very hurtful he was keeping me a secret. 3 years into the relationship his mum died suddeonly. I told him to fuck off home and don't talk to me about it. Ha! The hurt look on his face was a pictureSmile

bumbother · 03/12/2018 23:14

@Bananalanacake Are you actually proud of how you behaved in those circumstances? Confused

Bananalanacake · 03/12/2018 23:25

Yes. Very pleased with myself. I think he wanted me to hug him and say. Aww how sad for you. But why should I give a shit about someone I've never met. And also I think he wanted emotional support. But after 3 years of being treated like the OW it's not my responsibility to care about his needs. Interestingly, he didn't fuck off home. He must have been over it. So no harm done.

Tinkerbellx · 03/12/2018 23:29

Sorry but imho if he was really into this relationship and wanted to invest in a future with you he would be very keen for you to meet his family .
I'm 2 years into a relationship after a 25 year marriage and divorce .
After a year we met each other's parents ..... it's a bit different when you've been married a long time and children are involved ( parents probabaky elderly and little is fashioned ) but I was worried after about a year .
I am fairly certain about what I expect though and had decided that if he didn't invite me to meet them ( not as accessible as your dp parents they are 4 hrs away but he saw them mostly once a month ) by the January I would end our relationship .
I wasn't going to ask to meet them but that's just me . If he was into me I knew it needed to come from him .
I'm so sorry but after 3 years raise the bar and walk. You and your daughter are worth so much more .

bumbother · 03/12/2018 23:33

So why were you even in a relationship with him by that point? No, you don't have to give a shit about the person you'd never met, but didn't you give a shit about him?Regardless of the dynamics of the relationship, you had chosen to stay in it.

ImNotKitten · 03/12/2018 23:44

It’s no wonder you aren’t feeling good about the situation. He’s treating you like a secret and that is rubbish for your self-esteem. I would give him an ultimatum- meeting his family is important to you and if he doesn’t want to do that you will be reconsidering the future of the relationship.

Bananalanacake · 04/12/2018 00:11

Interesting point you raise there. I think I was more upset for me, now I was never going to meet her and I was expressing my hurt. I was still with him as I now realise I'd fallen for the sunken costs fallacy. He understands why I reacted like that and at a later time thanked me for being understanding, basically leaving him alone to deal with it rather than contacting him. Within a year of this I met my now dp who introduced me to his family straight away. Hopefully I am not a complete heartless cow but thanks for your input. It's helped.

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/12/2018 01:50

I bet he's saving a ton in bills, groceries, cleaning by staying at yours full time....he only has to put his hand in his pocket for the short time he's seeing his kids.

Stop being such a needy mug OP.
Whatever excuses he's giving you, the truth is he has no intention of actually making any kind of real commitment to you.

He treats you like you're his fuck buddy not his girlfriend/partner.

It's been 3 years AND he only lives round the corner from you....he's obviously put a lot of effort into keeping you separate from his real life and family..........and yet you choose to stay on this merry go round.

Find your self respect and dump him.

Beeziekn33ze · 04/12/2018 02:25

Go round for the cup of tea. Teenage boys often aren't particularly interested in their parents' lives, they are busy planning their own. Even by 14 many have stopped going out with their parents. Is your daughter younger than his boys?
Maybe there is a problem with his parents, they may not be very sociable, not interested in meeting new people.
If you do go round when the boys are there you may not see them, they are retiring creatures who spend astonishing amounts of time in in their own rooms!

swingofthings · 04/12/2018 05:46

He doesn't want a partner, just a girlfriend to fill in his companionship needs. Introducing you to family makes you a partner. He is stringing you alone because you're letting him. Time for an ultimatum or accepting that's all you'll ever be to him.

LadyLapsang · 04/12/2018 07:03

Do his parents still have a close relationship with his ex wife? I know you state he told you the marriage broke down because she had affairs, but that may not be the complete picture.

thefishwhocouldwish · 04/12/2018 09:02

I met now-DH 8 years ago and married 2.5 years ago. I have never met his parents or either of his brothers. They all live in the midlands and until recently we lived in London, so not exactly the other side of the world. Apparently his parents have our wedding photo up in their lounge, but didn't want to meet me 7 years ago because they had met his ex-partner and ex-wife over the preceding 20 years so felt they had done their duty already Hmm I've never so much as answered the phone to them. It's weird, but I'm used to it now.

Original poster
chloeblower · 04/12/2018 09:41

they hate her for what she did ( iam friends with his close friends )

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 04/12/2018 09:42

very true, thats all they sit in there rooms on the phone

OP posts:
Inniu · 04/12/2018 10:17

Thefish how do you know he is telling you the truth?

Baking101 · 04/12/2018 11:46

His friends and family could easily be covering for him. They are his parents, they have no loyalty to you. They do to him. They could just go along with it because he's told them to. Same as his friends they are his friends. How often do we see on here about women who were being cheated on and everyone knew, his friends and family, but didn't tell?

He's married. Dump him.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 11:55

Does he contribute to costs at your house?

What do your mutual friends think of it?

It's all very odd. I also assumed still married.

Is there a class or culture difference?

How old is your girl?

ismymumjustadick · 04/12/2018 12:12

When I read most threads on the relationships board I often think people are being unreasonable or too eager to think the worst, but in this case it really does sound like he’s either in another relationship or has unfinished business with his ex and doesn’t want you to know about each other. Best case scenario is that he’s just not that into you and doesn’t see you as important enough to be part of his family. Either way it doesn’t look good.

Original poster
chloeblower · 04/12/2018 12:18

no he doesn't contribute

mutal friends think its odd too but that he thinks he world of his kids and doesnt want to cause any upset and they have been through enough

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 04/12/2018 12:20

i knew about what was going on before we got together, i was seein someone when he was going through the divorce and he was a broken man . it went to court and things turned nasty over money

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 12:35

doesnt want to cause any upset and they have been through enough
Yes for the first few months, even year. But it's been 3 years and they aren't babies. If he hasn't done it now he never will. Maybe good on him if he knows the kids wouldn't cope but he's making you into some sort of fakery dirty secret.

How old are his boys and your daughter? What happens if in a few years they started dating? Would he lie and pretend he doesn't know you?

Are you happy to not be invited to their weddings or see his grandkids? To be stood at the back of the church at his funeral, ignored?

I'd set a deadline - meet them by X or walk. He's telling you come round but laying enough hints to stop you.
He's got free meals, heat, power and sex. All on his terms.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/12/2018 12:38

Perhaps they just dont want to meet you. My mum wouldnt be too bothered about meeting any partners i have and tbh i wouldnt be that worried about introducing them to my adult son either.
After a traumatic horrible relationship i will probably never ytake another man to meet my family. They are my family and as my child now has his own life my relationships dont impact him.
Could it be that his family arent keen to meet you? What was their relationship like with his ex wife?

Original poster
chloeblower · 04/12/2018 13:21

i actually said last year if he kept us away at Xmas it was over and hes done it. at the beginning of the year he would say i am going to tell the kids that iam having dinner with you and they can come if they want but dont have to, as i dont want to be the looking for spare seat at xmas when they are not here.

all changed when it came nearer the time, he did say he would cook at home but it wasn't forthcoming. and what was going to do meet on xmas day

i am glad i posted on here the guy has issues

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 13:28

I'd say this weekend, now or never. Then if it doesn't happen, consider if this is what you want.

I'm assuming confused"that you'd be honest thought and say I never introduxing you. There will never be family Christmases or invites to their weddings. The children will never be step siblings. The issue is he's keeping OP dangling with the promise of more whilst not paying for his own power, food etc for more than half the week. He's put himself I ntbe middle of hers and her daughters life (yes op let him) but won't offer the same back

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/12/2018 14:05

Im not sure i would. I wouldnt rsally see the point unless it came up in conversation. I wouldnt expect to meet someone elses family so i probably wouldnt bring it up. I cant be held responsible for other peoples assumptions but then i wouldnt ask or demand to spend christmas with someone else either. I make my plans for christmas with my son etc i would expect someone else to do the same.
But then im 40 odd and dont intend on living with someone again so i guess its a bit different.