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Original poster

3 years and not met his kids or mum and dad

104 replies

chloeblower · 03/12/2018 16:26

met my partner after a messy divorce of 20 years ,

he has 3 boys and i have one girl, he stays with us when he hasnt got his kids but when he has them we dont see him at all.

at first it wasnt an issue as i thought that would his time with his kids he had been broken from. the first xmas we were together he had dinner at his mum and dads with his kids and was his mums birthday on boxing day he went round there to with is kids . wasnt that long in the relationship so didnt really make anything of it.

then last xmas he had them xmas eve so we booked xmas day out the 3 of us, stll going to his mums boxing day with his kids and us not getting a invite. ( felt hurt ) as it wasnt a normal day .

through this year we have fell out on and of about meeting the kids and his mum and dad but it never has happened. said we would go for something to eat with his parents and its never happened.

we had booked a nice restaurant this year for all of us but he decided i would be too expensive for all of us so that got cancelled and he was going to do something at home, nothing set on stone and still hadn't met the kids yet so that would be awkward. so in the end ive invited myself to a family member me and my daughter.

i have mentioned to him if hes going to his mums again but i dont thinks he being honest with me, just doesnt like taking about it.
his older son goes when the other two do and his girfriend goes who i also have never met

when i tell my friends they say it isnt right? im starting to feel not good about the situation

the kids arent babies neither 18, 16.14

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 03/12/2018 19:15

I think the 'leading a double life' means they do it when they're NOT with you!

I agree with another poster that you need to search him from someone else's social media.

PotteringAlong · 03/12/2018 19:20

So why haven’t you just been round and turned up then? I would.

waterrat · 03/12/2018 19:27

Op he specifically doesn't want them to meet you.

Whatever the reason, it's not a good one.

Do you have low self confidence? I wonder why this has gone on so long.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2018 19:38

I would end the relationship now because you should not be kept a secret. Why is he hiding you so?. I also think his motives here are not good at all and there is more to come out.

GeorgiePirate · 03/12/2018 19:52

I recently split from the father of my child who wouldn't introduce us to his parents or our child to her half siblings. It came to light in the summer that he had been in a 'relationship' with his PA for 10 months. Holidays, basically living in his house. She was integrated into a life with his 3 other children. All conducted completely openly in the city in which they work. His parents / sister and I had no idea. His three other children ( secondary school age) said nothing. My ex is very tech savvy, changed and modified FB page ( 50+ photos on her IG page). If someone is determined to hide something, it can be done. Good luck.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 19:52

I would never have introduced someone to my child, who wasn’t committed enough to me to introduce me to theirs.

Thankyounext · 03/12/2018 19:57

It doesn’t sound like a double life particularly but he is hiding you for some reason or he is just not committed to you.

Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 20:27

He was hurt from the divorce she was having affairs , he was when I met him a broken man & i didn’t want to push anything even the kids, and me being a social butterfly was quite glad I had the weekend to myself ! Bug now 3 years and I’m not sure if it’s just been to long 💁🏼‍♀️
He says this is his very first time and doesn’t know what to do - he has asked me to pop round for. Cup of tea but I have felt intimated and he also had told me they are not going to accept anyone which put me of completely

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 20:29

Maybe I’ve made a mistake it won’t happen again , but she’s close to him now and then kids don’t even know her name

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 03/12/2018 20:32

this is not the relationship for you, it's not equal and it's not going anywhere. He's merely spending his spare time with you. Flowers

Dirtybadger · 03/12/2018 20:36

Are you saying he has asked you to pop over for a cuppa whilst the kids are there but you've chosen not to? Take him up on his offer!

AndTheSkyWasAllViolet · 03/12/2018 20:42

Unless you start asking him questions and verifying the answers he gives, then I agree with BumbleBeee69. This is not going anywhere. A relationship shouldn't involve guesswork. You either all meet and do relationship-y stuff and meet the family or you don't. It's been 3 years. It shouldn't be this way.

AndTheSkyWasAllViolet · 03/12/2018 20:43

And ya, I think at the least, it's time to go for that cuppa. :)

Graphista · 03/12/2018 20:44

"He was hurt from the divorce she was having affairs" you only have his word for that. I can well see s situation where he knows that's what he's told you and daren't risk you making a comment in front of his old enough to twig such things kids whereupon they turn round and say "no she didn't! You did X y z and she kicked you out"

FB now is so easy to manipulate so that only certain people see certain things - one of my FB friends has posted a couple of things today that she's only shared with those of us who won't give her grief for it (political, some of her relatives are ukip idiots!) and she is not techy at all.

Don't fall into sunken costs fallacy due to your child. Best to remove her from a potential fallout now which will be awful but not as awful if this continues and she's even MORE attached.

I have to say, and I know it's too late for you now, but I agree you don't introduce your kids to someone unwilling to introduce their kids to you. Or certainly if after introducing they don't do so within a reasonable time of that (6 months tops) you have a serious discussion before things move any further and certainly before the children get more emotionally involved.

But you are where you are.

You need to at this point say to him this situation cannot continue, either you're part of his life or you're not there can be no half measures.

If he's genuinely been only involved with you the last 3 years then his children have no reason to have a problem with you, what they may understandably have a problem with is his deceit! And that is on him not you!

CanSurvive · 03/12/2018 20:44

Who’s name don’t they know?

Thankyounext · 03/12/2018 20:51

Well he says the children might not accept you, what’s his excuse for not meeting the parents?

Omunye · 03/12/2018 21:05

Even if he's not cheating your relationship is going nowhere fast. I don't know you but I'm sure you can do better.

Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 21:12

Totally feeling this & at this present time angry ! It was me having an emergency sat morning and I left my daughter alone for half hour that I thought why after 3 years when he lives round the corner I couldn’t drop her of

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 21:13

My daughters

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 21:15

I met him through mutual friends so knew about him before we met and wasn’t sure in the first place because of such baggage but I wanted to because of what had happened and I felt for him and I’m very soft

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 21:18

I like this comment & think you are right

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 03/12/2018 21:41

How long had he been living apart from his wife when you started dating? Is he actually divorced? Personally I don't think Christmas is the ideal time to meet the family given the failed marriage. A low key lunch would be much better.

Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 21:58

Every minute he’s not with his kids

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeblower · 03/12/2018 22:02

He was very much divorced when I met him he now has bought his own house round the corner from me and has a bedroom for each child staying ! We use to stay at his bit my daughter was uncomfortable staying in a boys bed so we stayed at mine all the time

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 03/12/2018 22:22

Have you ever flat out said to him, "i want to meet your family"? And dont accept his nonsense answers like they wouldnt accept you or something. After three years, its massively weird and suspicious that he wont introduce you at all.