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Original poster

Ex Popping Up 8 Months Later To See DD ....

81 replies

ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:02

Hi all. Wondering if I could have some advice in dealing with the confusing and unexpected situation.
My ex-Dp done a pretty impressive disappearing act when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I had no idea where he went, I still don't, and that was that, I done the whole thing alone.
When baby was 2 months old, I began a CMS claim, they found ex-Dp and after a lot of months of complicated chasing etc, we now have a plan in place (albeit, he pays less than the minimum on a technicality, but what can you do?)
Fast forward to now, he eventually got in contact, demanding he be put in the birth certificate, he has rights, I can't stop him from being on there (he has never met our child, can I point out. Has seen one picture, never pushed to visit) and after some questioning, he said he needs a copy of the birth certificate to prove to a company that he pays CMS for a child, and it will reduce a monthly outgoing he has.
Ive told him no, I'm not putting him on there, he is doing it for a selfish reason, and not for DCs benefit. He has said he will go for other options if I don't do it. Can I keep him off the birth certificate?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:03

I'll add, since I declined putting him on there, he's now asking to see DS and says I'm being unreasonable with everything.

OP posts:
ElideLochan · 03/12/2018 07:09

I'm no expert, but it seems while he has acted dispicably to you, and not paid willingly, it's not unreasonable for him to want to be on the birth certificate, for whatever reason. Could you ask him to pay the full amount as he will be getting a discount?

Also, asking to see his dc is not on the face of it unreasonable.

OhLemons · 03/12/2018 07:13

He can apply to court to be put on the birth certificate. I know one person that did this and he saw his child in a contact centre regularly for several months before the judge made the bc order.

Circumstances were different to yours and it was several years ago. I don't recall him saying the judge had refused to do it earlier, from memory I would say that they were sorting out contact first.

In your circs I would tell him to go to court for both access and to get his name on the bc. Let him prove he is serious about a relationship with your child, not just doing it for his own convenience.

EtVoilaBrexit · 03/12/2018 07:14

You need legal advice ASAP.

Innocentconglomeration · 03/12/2018 07:15

He can apply to be put on the birth certificate. He has parental rights and you’ve not denied he’s the father so what’s the gain for you of not having him on the birth certificate?

Similarly, he can apply,to the court to see his child. Contact is likely to be in small short periods at first, supervised, and build from that.

Let him drive it though.

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:27

I'm my honest opinion, I believe he doesn't have an interest in having a relationship with our child. When he asked me about the BC, he said it needed sorted ASAP. He didn't ask how the baby was, or how we had been. And I think if I put his name on BC, we wouldn't see him again cause he will have got what he came for. At the moment he seems to be pushing for a visit, though I think that's only to talk to me face to face and grind me down to put him on there, all while hoping I'll see a "softer" side to him when he finally sees DS and away my decision.
I'm reluctant to put him on there because it will give him parental responsibilities I don't think he deserves. He seems happy to let me continue doing it alone, and he will visit as and when he pleases, as he said he still has to "sort his head out" and he needs to do that with as few distractions as possible.
I've been a single parent since the very beginning so I have no problem continuing to do so, but I won't have him coming and going, it's not acceptable in my book.

OP posts:
donajimena · 03/12/2018 07:32

Just let him go to court. You don't have to facilitate this.

RedDeadRoach · 03/12/2018 07:36

He would have to go to court. It doesn't sound like he will actually bother and he's shown no interest in the baby. Let him work for it. You don't want your baby to get used to him being around and then being let down. Let him prove he actually cares about the baby in any other way that isn't about him getting a discount.

TeddyIsaHe · 03/12/2018 07:36

Tell him to go through the proper channels - court etc. You don’t have to talk to him regarding this, just be available for court dates if you need to attend.

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:37

Sorry, forgot to add, I haven't said no the BC, I've suggest he spends a couple of months building a relationship with DS to prove he's serious, but that's not good enough, he needs it sorting before Xmas to send it off, as he has a deadline Hmm

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 03/12/2018 07:40

Ignore until you get a solicitor's letter from him. Likely your dd will be old enough to tell him to get stuffed by then. If he won't pay cms he won't pay legal fees.
He is actually trying to use her to pay less!!

swingofthings · 03/12/2018 07:46

I'm my honest opinion, I believe he doesn't have an interest in having a relationship with our child. it's understandable that you'd think that but you can't be sure and for the benefit of your son, who has a right to have a relationship with his dad, you should give him at least one chance. You never know. My close friend's partner left her when she was pregnant, was abusive to her and acted like a real jerk when she gave birth. He wasn't around for 6 months and then demanded to see the child, threatening court etc... She was devastated but decided for her daughter to give him a chance. It led to them getting back together after another 6 months and to build a life together for 10 years. It didn't work out, they separated but agreed on 50/50 care because her daughter adores her dad and it what she wanted.

I would never in my wildest dream imagine he would step up to his role as a dad but I can now say that he is a great dad, in his own way, and their daughter is the most balanced happy confident child. Don't deny this potentially to your son because of how you feel right now.

anniehm · 03/12/2018 07:48

The thing is that you have a child maintenance agreement, him asking to be on the birth certificate and to have supervised contact seems like the trade off. I suspect the court would back him, but will be simpler and cheaper not to involve the courts

Innocentconglomeration · 03/12/2018 07:50

It’s a bit odd to say he’s the father so you can get your child maintenance, but not allow him to get his name on the BC.

rosablue · 03/12/2018 07:50

Before he gets his name on the birth certificate, I would think if there are any rights that he might try to use or abuse that you could anticipate and reduce his iinout if it could cause problems...

The things I’m thinking about that I’ve seen on here are things like permission letters to go on holiday (or not getting them) or not being able to move closer to family or a good job because the ex says they have to stay close to them. I’m sure others with more experience might have more examples.

But make sure that part of your negoatiations that if you agree to it then he has to agree that he won’t ever stop you from going on holiday or moving and have signed letters to that effect that you can use until your child is 18. (Not sure if you are allowed this but it’s worth a try - you don’t want to discover he can exert any control over your life).

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2018 07:51

Nope. Make him do the work. He can establish regular contact and then go to court and get a judge to say he should be added. It doesn’t sound like he’s asking because he cares. Just day no you can pursue it through legal channels but I’m a single mum coming up to Christmas , I’m busy. There’s no dad funding my baby’s Christmas.

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:53

@Innocentconglomeration I don't have an issue with him being in it IF he is in fact doing it for the right reason and not just as a way to save himself some money.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2018 07:54

If he has to prove he is paying child maintenance, surely there are letters from the CMS he can point to? Don't see why he has to be on the birth certificate as well. Do get some legal advice if you can afford it or source some for free if you can't (CAB can be helpful for this).

Innocentconglomeration · 03/12/2018 07:55

But you are going after him for CMS and only want the money, you don’t want to allow him to build a relationship, so what’s the difference? You say he’s asking to see DS and you’re refusing?

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:59

I haven't refused access. I've said he only wants to do it to grind me down and give in to putting him on there. He's very transparent. If he's serious about it, I would love them to have a relationship, I just don't see it working that way because I know him, and know how he can behave.

OP posts:
Innocentconglomeration · 03/12/2018 08:01

But you know you should give him the opportunity to see DS, not for him, but because it’s the right thing for your DS. Let him drive it though.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 03/12/2018 08:02

He is trying to bullshit you, politely tell him he can do it through the proper channels (court) and you will happily make yourself available for a court date.
Agree with pp, if he needs to prove he is paying cm he will have official letters to clearly show this.
You have been managing perfectly well on your own, you are amazing. He can get to fuck.Flowers

Cawfee · 03/12/2018 08:49

His deadline isn’t your problem. Dont be pressurised. You are a single mum, coming up to Christmas, you’ve got enough on your plate without dealing with his selfish demands. If he wants it, he can wait for it. Getting anything done to make his life easier isn’t your job or your problem. Screw him. He did one and had to be chased for maintenance. Nope. He gets nowt unless he takes it to court, makes effort and puts some graft in. Just stop replying to him. Not your monkey, not your problem.

pusspuss9 · 03/12/2018 09:45

I don't have an issue with him being in it IF he is in fact doing it for the right reason

well the right reason IS the fact that he is the father. It's a public recognition of this fact and his name should be on the birth certificate.
Your son also deserves this public recognition of his parentage - it takes him out of the 'we don't know who my father was' scenario.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 09:47

The “right reason” is that he’s the father of your child.

How does he pay less than the minimum “on a technicality”?

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