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Original poster

Ex Popping Up 8 Months Later To See DD ....

81 replies

ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:02

Hi all. Wondering if I could have some advice in dealing with the confusing and unexpected situation.
My ex-Dp done a pretty impressive disappearing act when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I had no idea where he went, I still don't, and that was that, I done the whole thing alone.
When baby was 2 months old, I began a CMS claim, they found ex-Dp and after a lot of months of complicated chasing etc, we now have a plan in place (albeit, he pays less than the minimum on a technicality, but what can you do?)
Fast forward to now, he eventually got in contact, demanding he be put in the birth certificate, he has rights, I can't stop him from being on there (he has never met our child, can I point out. Has seen one picture, never pushed to visit) and after some questioning, he said he needs a copy of the birth certificate to prove to a company that he pays CMS for a child, and it will reduce a monthly outgoing he has.
Ive told him no, I'm not putting him on there, he is doing it for a selfish reason, and not for DCs benefit. He has said he will go for other options if I don't do it. Can I keep him off the birth certificate?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 03/12/2018 09:49

Putting him on the bc will give him a lot of power over you and what you can do. Ie move away, change names, go on holiday.

If you trust him then fine, but if you see him using it against you, then I wouldn’t. It would be horrible if he was put on, has nothing to do with with the baby but you have to get his consent for things which he will then just say no to in spite.

pusspuss9 · 03/12/2018 09:49

I just wanted to add that a lot of posts on this thread are 'punish the bastard' orientated with absolutely no thought to rights of the little boy. Upside down priorities. .

Orlande · 03/12/2018 09:50

Let him go to court - at least that proves he is interested in actually being a father rather than saving some money.

Giving him parental responsibility if he has no intention of actually being a parent will just make life a bit more complicated for you and your child.

Bekabeech · 03/12/2018 10:30

pusspuss9 you don't seem to understand the legal issues the OP could put herself in if she just "puts the father on the BC". She can tell her son who his father is, she has CMS paperwork to prove it.

BUT if the Father can't be bothered to see the child and/or take the issue to court (which doesn't have to be that expensive) - then he doesn't seem to be bothered enough with the child to gain this. I can't see that a Father who just wants to be named, but nothing else, is of benefit for the child.

I am also very suspicious about why he wants it before Christmas?

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 10:31

Just to clear some stuff up. I never wanted him to not have a relationship with DS. He left. Knowing I was pregnant. Knowing I was worried about things, and he said he had to get his head straight and deal with things. It was too hard on him, I didn't understand, apparently. He didn't give me or our baby a second thought, he just disappeared. So do I owe him the "respect" of putting him on there and giving him parental responsibilities now he's decided he wants some involvement? Fuck no, I don't owe him a damn thing. My only question was how he could get on the certificate if I refused.

OP posts:
MissMalice · 03/12/2018 10:40

He’ll have to apply to court which will cost him nothing if he’s earning so little.

Farahilda · 03/12/2018 10:43

I would ignore the request to put him on the birth certificate for now.

Tell him to use the CMS paperwork he will have to prove that he is paying for acknowledges.

Negotiate on establishing a mutually acceptable contact agreement.

There are various possibilities - he'll step up, butil a relationship with his DC, and having iphim on the BC won't seem so bad. Or he'll be flaky, so it'll be better for DC if he does not have PR and the ability to interfere with certain key decisions. Or he will be the rare person who does apply to a court for PR, at which point you may as well agree because he'll get it (unless there is some enormous other factor that demonstrates he is unfit) and then you'll just have to make the best of it from there.

Do make sure you are utterly reasonable and cooperative in tone in all communications with him, so there is nothing that could come back and bite you, and phrase everything in what is best for DC.

pusspuss9 · 03/12/2018 10:46

Beka
thanks for highlighting this aspect . I do know that being on the BC would give the father rights which he might not have should he not be named on the BC.

However he is still the father whatever he has done and his name should be there.

Imconstant need - I'm in no way defending the father's behaviour, not at all. I would be more than incensed in your position.

pusspuss9 · 03/12/2018 10:52

Fuck no, I don't owe him a damn thing.

you're right, you don't owe the father a damned thing, but you do owe your son the courtesy of having a named person as his father on this official recognition of his birth instead of a blank space.

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 10:59

I will allow him to visit. I'm not going to stop him trying. And if he decides to visit regularly, I'm open to things in the future regarding putting him on it. However, I was with him for a long time and know how we can be. I don't think this will work out long term because he's such a flake. And if I put him on, then he disappears cause he got what he wanted, I'll have to explain to DS why he has a dad who doesn't want to see him. I'd rather the space was blank than have to tell him that.

OP posts:
MissMalice · 03/12/2018 11:01

I'll have to explain to DS why he has a dad who doesn't want to see him. I'd rather the space was blank than have to tell him that.

If your ex doesn’t want to see his son then you’re going to have to tell him that anyway. He isn’t going to grow up thinking he was the result of an immaculate conception.

Innocentconglomeration · 03/12/2018 11:06

Your DS is going to know he has a dad and know who that is growing up, you're not the Virgin Mary!

As i said, let him drive it, but really you need to let him see his son - if he does take it to court, he will get parental responsibility automatically because you acknowledge he is the father of your child.

Ragaroo · 03/12/2018 11:11

F**k him. If I were you, he could visit whenever he wants, as there is a small chance he has changed. But because of your history, his disappearance and general attitude, I would make him do the official paperwork stuff via the courts. I would not fully trust him til he spent a long time proving it (and not just for his financial gains). You'll soon see if he's truly interested in your DS.

Original poster
ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 11:12

I've already said I'll allow a visit!!!
People seem to be skimming over the fact that he left us and didn't want anything to do with us! He is only back in contact now because he needs something from me, that was his first question, not asking how the baby is, etc etc. That is why I'm wary about his intentions.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/12/2018 11:21

Allow him the visit OP, but make sure someone is with you when he visits. If he's consistant and shows a desire to bond with his child, then address the BC situation at a some point in the future.

combatbarbie · 03/12/2018 11:22

He will have letters from CMS to prove he's paying for a child Confused

If he wants on BC, that's fine, just signpost him to the courts.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 11:32

What do you plan to say in court exactly? “I’ll let him go on in when he’s proved himself”? Hmm If you not disputing that he’s the father, what’s the problem? I’m not sure the courts take kindly to people wasting their time with cases like that. They’re hugely overstretched and underfunded dealing with cases that actually require intervention.

BirthdayKake · 03/12/2018 11:32

He doesn't need anything to do with the birth certificate to prove he pays maintenance. Men don't even have to BE on the certificate to be legally required to pay maintenance. All he needs to do is ask the CMS for a copy of his payment plan

Bekabeech · 03/12/2018 12:13

This is the details on adding a Father to a birth certificate: www.gov.uk/adding-fathers-name-birth-certificate

Has he either filled in a Statutory Declaration of Parentage or has a court given a Declaration of Parentage?

This childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/ gives information on the rights and responsibilities of him gaining Parental Responsibility which he will automatically gain if his name goes onto the birth certificate. It has consequences for the child's education, religion, and appointing Guardians.

The Government website says it costs about £215 to get Parental responsibility without the Mother's agreement.

llangennith · 03/12/2018 12:42

Keep him at arm's length and ignore his demand to be put on the BC. He can go through the legal process if he chooses. Don't be guilt-tripped into doing anything. He hasn't earned the right to be called a father.

pusspuss9 · 03/12/2018 13:00

being a father is not a right -it's a fact of nature.

Maybe he's not a Dad but no amount of hand wringing will change the fact that he's this little boy's father.

Alfie190 · 03/12/2018 13:17

I think you are being unreasonable, to your son that is. You are using him to punish the ex.

How would you like to go through life with no father on your birth certificate. A blank space on BC isn't going to stop him wondering why his father doesn't want to see him. That is a stupid, completely illogical argument.

swingofthings · 03/12/2018 13:24

I think you are being unreasonable, to your son that is. You are using him to punish the ex
Totally agree. It is not your birth certificate, its your child who is not just an extension of you but a person in his own right. No more than the maintenance isn't your money but your child. You just manage it on their behalf because they clearly can't.

I really hate it when parent use their kids as pawn to get at each other. You decided to have a child together, you both need to act as grown up and you can start it by accepting that however much you now wish he wasn't, he is and always be their birth father which is what the birth certificate is all about.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 13:29

“Sorry hun, I don’t know how that all works - you’ll need to find out - maybe a form at the register office or something?”

And leave the ball firmly in his responsibility-shirking court.

Orlande · 03/12/2018 14:14

Putting him on the bc gives him some control over the child - I don't see how it is in the child's best interests to have a stranger be able to block him from moving house, going on holiday, changing schools etc.

Those practical considerations are much more important for a child's wellbeing than a blank space on a document that he is unlikely to even see until adulthood Hmm

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