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Original poster

Ex Popping Up 8 Months Later To See DD ....

81 replies

ImConstantNeedOfAGin · 03/12/2018 07:02

Hi all. Wondering if I could have some advice in dealing with the confusing and unexpected situation.
My ex-Dp done a pretty impressive disappearing act when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I had no idea where he went, I still don't, and that was that, I done the whole thing alone.
When baby was 2 months old, I began a CMS claim, they found ex-Dp and after a lot of months of complicated chasing etc, we now have a plan in place (albeit, he pays less than the minimum on a technicality, but what can you do?)
Fast forward to now, he eventually got in contact, demanding he be put in the birth certificate, he has rights, I can't stop him from being on there (he has never met our child, can I point out. Has seen one picture, never pushed to visit) and after some questioning, he said he needs a copy of the birth certificate to prove to a company that he pays CMS for a child, and it will reduce a monthly outgoing he has.
Ive told him no, I'm not putting him on there, he is doing it for a selfish reason, and not for DCs benefit. He has said he will go for other options if I don't do it. Can I keep him off the birth certificate?

OP posts:
MissMalice · 03/12/2018 14:17

Putting him on the bc gives him some control over the child - I don't see how it is in the child's best interests to have a stranger be able to block him from moving house, going on holiday, changing schools etc.

It really doesn’t. It gives him the right to “be consulted” on schools, religion etc. It doesn’t mean the OP has to act on his views. It doesn’t stop the OP moving house or changing schools. If he didn’t agree he would need to seek a prohibited steps order which is highly unlikely to be granted if he isn’t having any contact with the child. He could refuse to give permission for the child to go on holiday. The OP would then apply for a specific issue order and she’d be granted it very simply.

HoustonBess · 03/12/2018 14:24

I'd want to find out in clearer terms exactly why he wants his name on the BC. It sounds like his work has some kind of salary sacrifice thing where CMS would be taken out before tax, therefore saving him money? I don't know if that's possible but that's what it sounds like. If he's already paying you less than the minimum CMS then that's a bloody cheek.

Azadewow · 03/12/2018 14:26

Some posters are really daft... You see the OP being cautious about BC as her using her child to punish ex.... How hard is it to understand that by naming him on BC, and everything that entails, she is actually making herself vulnerable to the father using the child as a pawn against OP and /or as a bargaining chip to get whatever he might want! By putting him on BC when his motivation is purely selfish, she risks spending the next 18 years hearing things like, if you want my concent for DC to do X or Y, you need to do this or that for me first. Sure, the man may have changed and want to be there for his child, in which case he should be happy to wait a few months to prove to OP he is genuine... After all, what's a few months difference when he will have parental rights for the rest of his life?

And I am sure when the child is old enough, the OP can explain to her DC why although knowing who dad was, she chose not to name the dd on BC (if it turns out dad was being selfish). There is no time limit on adding fathers name on birth certificate as long as both parents and child is alive, u can add it even if the "child" is 50 years old!

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 14:27

where CMS would be taken out before tax,

If the CMS are collecting, he will be charged 20% on top of what he owes, so that’s unlikely.

Orlande · 03/12/2018 14:32

MissMalice - but why on earth would the OP want to add all that stress and complication into her child's life just so deadbeat dad can save some money on child support?

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 14:35

Because putting his name on the birth certificate should not be linked to the CMS.

The OP has a CMS claim and he’s paying what they’ve calculated he owes. No idea what “less than the minimum on a technicality” means. The OP hasn’t explained.

This man is the baby’s father. Refusing is a waste of court time and resources.

Orlande · 03/12/2018 14:49

Putting him on the bc has no benefits for the child and could make life difficult.
If he really wants to be a father let him prove himself first.

RightYesButNo · 03/12/2018 14:51

@ImConstantNeedofAGin This has nothing to do with using a child as a pawn or a punishment and I’m frankly a little surprised. It’s like I read a different OP, and the follow-up messages from you. You offered him a completely reasonable path to being involved with DS and on the birth certificate: spend a few months building a relationship. I’m surprised PP are totally all right with adding this man to the BC based on the fact that the ONLY reason he even wants to be on it is because... it will save him some money. AND the fact that he’s trying to rush you to do it before Christmas, as if getting parental responsibility is just something that’s on his “to-do” list, and not a life-changing event, proves you are right.

He can be in DS’ life without being on the BC. He wasn’t interested in the BC at all until it cost him money. But now, if you add him to the BC, this man, who so far has shown himself to be a complete arsehat, would have just as much right as you to make decisions. So for example, if you had to make a medical decision, should your DS get very ill (God forbid), he’s proven so far how he would make decisions about DS’ welfare (i.e. by totting up the pounds and pence and not caring that there’s a real child involved here).

You are DS’ parent. YANBU to not give up your sole parental responsibilities (without a court order) to a man who fucked off once before and would be doing it again right now if he couldn’t save a few pounds.

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 03/12/2018 14:53

This thread is bonkers. Normally all posters advise the OP to not put the father on the BC if he's a shit, but here the OP is going to waste court time and that's a terrible thing? I highly doubt it will get to that point if he's as flaky as the OP says.

Putting him on the bc gives him some control over the child - I don't see how it is in the child's best interests to have a stranger be able to block him from moving house, going on holiday, changing schools etc.

^this. Voluntarily putting him down on the father is far riskier than the unlikely option of him going to court over it. Once his Christmas deadline is over, I'm sure he won't be seen for dust, he'll 'need more time to get his head together'.

Don't do anything for him OP, but don't block his actions (as you've said you won't do). If you engage and argue with him, he'll be more likely to go to court to get one over on you. Be passive and non-committal if you can when speaking to him, he'll get distracted with something else soon enough.

swingofthings · 03/12/2018 14:58

How hard is it to understand that by naming him on BC, and everything that entails, she is actually making herself vulnerable to the father using the child as a pawn against OP and /or as a bargaining chip to get whatever he want
Being named birth father on a birth certificate gives him little control. Naming him as a father for the purpose of maintenance gives OP all the control. How is fair let alone right to pass the message to this man he is good enough of a father to pay up but not good enough to have him rightly named as the child birth parent. It is so hypocritical.

If you don't want him recognised as your child biological father, then don't for e him to pay for a child he is told he is not allowed to ba father to and avoid the double standards.

swingofthings · 03/12/2018 15:01

Oh and yes, it would cost only a few £100s for him to ask a court to put his name down if he can show that he is the father via dna and paying regular maintenance so if it matters much to him, he will be able to get his way whether you agree to it or not.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 15:05

It won’t cost him anything at all to apply to court if he’s earning so little for the CMS to tell him he needs to pay “less than the minimum”.

In theory, parental responsibility gives him “control” (aka a say in his child’s life). In practice it really doesn’t.

Azadewow · 03/12/2018 15:25

swingofthongs you must seriously be reading a different thread. At no point has the OP said that she does not want him recognised as father or that he only good enough to pay for a child.

In fact OP has said numerous times now that as so far he has shown no interest in their child, she wants him to prove himself that he is here to stay, and not just demanding things to make his life easier...

How is it right for the father to only wanna be named the parent when it provides some financial gain to himself? He took the decision to ABANDON the OP while she was pregnant and consequently the child. Why should the OP dance to his tune now because he decides he wants to be on BC and he wants it to be done ASAP?

And while if he got parental responsibility she could always bypass his decisions by taking it to court, why would she want to willingly add the stress, hassle, costs to her life when she has no indication that he will actually stick around this time and parent the child. There are so many exes out there that make the other parents' lives as difficult as they can, either just cause they can or to force their own agenda.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 15:33

she wants him to prove himself

She has no legal right to do that. A court will not expect a father to “prove himself” where the mother is not disputing he’s the father.

Bekabeech · 03/12/2018 15:43

MissMalice the act of going to court proves some level of commitment from the Father, not just financial but time and effort. Something that at least shows some effort, which this Father hasn't shown so far - if he can't even see the child involved even when the Mother offers.

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 16:03

It doesn’t really though. As I’ve said - it will cost him nothing if he’s on a low income. Effort? A form and a half hour hearing?

Azadewow · 03/12/2018 16:05

missmalice the guy had no interest in the child until he figured out he can save himself some pennies... What makes you think he will spend money or time to. Go to court to get himself on the BC? And if he does that is some indication that he is at least serious.

Legally she might not have the right to make him prove himself, but surely as the mother who has been there every step of the way doing everything alone, loving and caring the child, she has the right to want to protect that child?

MissMalice · 03/12/2018 16:06

Protect the child from what?

knowingkaleidoscope · 03/12/2018 16:15

As someone in a similar position a couple of years ago tell him to take you to court if he wants access, make everything legal then he can't use things against you if he is being honest about being a father to your child. My ex is on the birth certificate but disappeared straight after, luckily I gave my child my surname and he wrote a letter giving me permission to take my child abroad but I've never had to use it.

Tell him the ball is in his court to get legal advice and go through court if he wants access. Don't correspond with him anymore.

Bekabeech · 04/12/2018 06:26

@MissMalice you said "It doesn’t really though. As I’ve said - it will cost him nothing if he’s on a low income. Effort? A form and a half hour hearing?"

Which is precisely what lot of us are saying - if he cannot be bothered to put in even that minimal effort - then he doesn't deserve to be on the BC. It is obvious that the OP will tell the child who their father is, and has evidence to back it up.

pusspuss9 · 04/12/2018 06:44

but just telling the child isn't having it officially recognised is it, and that's what may be very important to the child at some point in his life.

pusspuss9 · 04/12/2018 06:45

a lot of the posters on here have the priority of 'sticking it to him' and do not appear to have any of the interests of the child in mind. Unfortunate for the child .

NewStartNow · 04/12/2018 07:04

Putting him o. The birth certificate gives him parental responsibility. He could then collect the child from a childcare setting and simply not hand him back and the police could do nothing. He's so far done nothing to indicate he deserves PR. Of course DS has a right to a relationship with his father but the man needs to step up and be a father. I'd be waiting for court in your position.

Aussiebean · 04/12/2018 07:19

As the child grows and becomes and adult, if the fact they don’t have the father on the bc becomes an issue, then the op and child/ adult can do it then. It doesn’t have to be now.

At the moment, when the child isn’t even a year old, the op has to do what is best for her and her family.

She is a single mother, left with zero support and dealing with a man who has proven by his actions to be untrustworthy. She needs to ensure he is not going to hurt her family by being vindictive, which is something that, based on passed behaviour, he is capable of. (Like my friend who wanted to take her daughter on a once in a lift time trip to Europe and her ex blocked it. He had very little to do with her dd, but refused her permission when he found out about it. So they had to wait til she was old enough to go without his interference. )

The op is willing for him to prove himself otherwise. But he has to put in that effort to make up for what he has done up til now... abondon his pregnant partner and refuse to support that child willingly. Be that with his physical presence or financially.

I am sure the op will put the name on if the child really has an issue. But by that time, the child might have a wonderful loving step father and want to be adopted by him instead. (As the case in my family)

But that could be blocked by him if his name is on the bc.

Also, the child might be perfectly happy not to have he name on. You never know how the child might feel and is something for the op to deal with if and when it happens.

But, as it stands now, with all the evidence of past behaviour, it’s in the ops and her child’s best interest to ensure he actually wants to be a father to the child, putting that child’s best interests at heart, before she hands over that power.

Azadewow · 04/12/2018 07:58

You can always add father's name to BC, there is no time limit as long as both father and child are alive. However, you cannot take him off a BC, unless you go through court and I suspect (no idea about the actual law) it's not easy and you would need the father's permission to do it.

I seriously don't get the "you don't have the child's best interests in mind if you don't put him in BC" brigade Hmm

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