Partner affair, how to deal with it best.

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

I could really do with some advice and maybe a bit of a handhold.

I found out my Partner of 16 years, two teenage children, was having an affair 3 weeks ago. I found out by checking his messages of facebook. His first response was to say tgat he was in love with her, but he also minimised what had been going on saying yes only slept with her once etc etc.
This basically csme about following him recently started a new job that meant him commuting a long way and staying over a couple of nights a week.

The following day, after I found out, he told me openly he was going to talk to her and later came home and told me he wanted to try again with me. He promised me he had gone no contact with her. I really felt this might work, I realise we had been together since we are young and the middle year’s of a relationship could probably be considered quite mundane and a relationship with a younger woman with none of the commitments and general bulshit of family must be very alluring.

Things were beginning to settle down. However a day or two ago While he was staying away I had reason to believe he was lying about his location and it made me massively insecure and a bit paranoid.

When he came home from work yesterday he told me he wanted to separate and after some probing this is because he wants to start a relationship with other woman. I am bereft. We were never unhappy, never argue, we get along incredibly well and had a good sex life. We both think it would be best if he stayed at home until the new year to try and give the kids a good Christmas and make a plan of how to move forward.

I am deeply deeply hurting and upset but i love my children more and as such I really want to try spend this time positively and try and end up with the best of a bad job. Equally I just want to curl into a ball and cry. It doesn’t help really that DP seems to have given very very little thought to his decision and is seemingly looking to me to direct things as best I can for all of us. Added to this I am in a really precarious position being half way through a degree with a big set of exams in two weeks.

Please has anyone got any advice of how I can make this work out best for everyone. I just don’t know what to do. I feel completely beaten.

Thank you

OP I think you need to prepare for him not looking after your DC while you are away.

OP I think you need to prepare for him not looking after your DC while you are away.

Agreed. From now on you will need to face the harsh reality that you cannot rely on him for anything. Don't count on him being there. Is there anyone else who can have the kids? I'd make a back up plan.

The FB thing is shitty but I also wouldn't be sharing with him how much that hurts you. He has made his priority's clear and your emotional needs aren't a concern of his anymore. He is in a relationship with someone else.

So sorry you're going through this OP. He is a total twat.

Do you have family or close friends that could help for a few days whilst you are away for your degree?

You need a backup plan in case he lets you down.

Agree back up plan required for child care. It is all about him at the moment and the children won’t factor in.

Hello all.

Quite upset tonight.

So thankfully he did turn up to look after the children while I was away. And I think it went ok. However I’ve just realised that it’s now been over 10 days since they spoke to him last, and all they have had in those days is a handful (say 10 or so) text messages. I asked one child about it today, and honestly the pain in her eyes when she said he handy called her kills me. Other child now wants no contact with him at all.

Please can anyone advise how I can try and help them deal with this. I think they feel completely rejected and discarded by him.

I’m so broken-hearted seeing their hurt.

sadly this is now their reality. My Father did this to me after he left us. Lucky if I saw him twice a year when he decided to turn up without warning. No mobile phones then. All you can do is be their to support your DC. Your ex has made his choices and they will come back and bite him on the ass. I went NC with my dad when I hit my teens.... its your not job to make excuses for him your job is to be their to support your DC....

Acknowledging and empathizing with their hurt and anger will help them feel free to express their authentic feelings. I don’t think it helps to say, “I’m sure that Daddy doesn’t mean to hurt you.” Instead I would say, “ Yes, I totally understand how not talking to him for 10 days hurts so much.” They should also feel supported if they want to express their anger and hurt to him.

Have you sought counseling?

JZ you sound like a lovely person.
You will get over this. So will your kids.

I spent time at the weekend with a friend whom went through the same situation as you about 10 years ago.

She has two lovely grown up children ,but they were young teens when he left for OW.

My friend says the best thing to come out of it is she is closer to her children than she could ever have been had he not bailed out.