Partner affair, how to deal with it best.

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

I could really do with some advice and maybe a bit of a handhold.

I found out my Partner of 16 years, two teenage children, was having an affair 3 weeks ago. I found out by checking his messages of facebook. His first response was to say tgat he was in love with her, but he also minimised what had been going on saying yes only slept with her once etc etc.
This basically csme about following him recently started a new job that meant him commuting a long way and staying over a couple of nights a week.

The following day, after I found out, he told me openly he was going to talk to her and later came home and told me he wanted to try again with me. He promised me he had gone no contact with her. I really felt this might work, I realise we had been together since we are young and the middle year’s of a relationship could probably be considered quite mundane and a relationship with a younger woman with none of the commitments and general bulshit of family must be very alluring.

Things were beginning to settle down. However a day or two ago While he was staying away I had reason to believe he was lying about his location and it made me massively insecure and a bit paranoid.

When he came home from work yesterday he told me he wanted to separate and after some probing this is because he wants to start a relationship with other woman. I am bereft. We were never unhappy, never argue, we get along incredibly well and had a good sex life. We both think it would be best if he stayed at home until the new year to try and give the kids a good Christmas and make a plan of how to move forward.

I am deeply deeply hurting and upset but i love my children more and as such I really want to try spend this time positively and try and end up with the best of a bad job. Equally I just want to curl into a ball and cry. It doesn’t help really that DP seems to have given very very little thought to his decision and is seemingly looking to me to direct things as best I can for all of us. Added to this I am in a really precarious position being half way through a degree with a big set of exams in two weeks.

Please has anyone got any advice of how I can make this work out best for everyone. I just don’t know what to do. I feel completely beaten.

Thank you

Good luck 💐

I’m finding this so hard.

The kids are so hurt and upset, and I’m so scared this is going to hurt them for a long time. I am from a dysfunctional family and it has scared me, I just don’t want this for them.

I just want to beg him to come back.

I feel like he doesn’t realise the hurt he is causing them. They hide it when he is here. I can’t bear it. I just want it all to be over, and as it was.

How could a loving father do this? I would move heaven and earth not to hurt my children in this way.

Never once had he told me he was unhappy, I can’t remember the last time we argued, or even disagreed particularly. We hugged and kissed daily and had sex regularly. We held hands in the supermarket. I miss him so much.

I realise I would pathetic, but it all fells so sudden. I’ve known him all of my adult life we got together at 21 and I know he wasn’t unhappy.

Bored yes, quite possibly but not unhappy.

I feel like he’s infatuated with her. He takes up hobbies, and gets totally engrossed into them, ditching the previous hobby without a seconds thought. Is that what he’s done with us?

I know you don’t want to give in to anger, but it can be a really useful emotion in the early days.

He is not a good father or husband, he has hurt your children for the sake of his “Disney fantasy”. He is an awful, stereotypical middle-aged man, who instead of celebrating his luck in having a good relationships and family life, decided the grass would be greener elsewhere. Which he is utterly safe to explore, because he knows that if he snapped his fingers, you would come running back.

He took all that choice away from you. Sometimes life doesn’t give us the choice of what we want (and that would be to go back to a time when he hadn’t done this and for him to make the decision to resist temptation), but we do still have a choice. You can choose to move on alone with the kids and be a brilliant mum and raise a wonderful family. You can choose to tell him that he will never be welcome home and that you will be civil for the children, but that you expect more loyalty from your friends. You can choose to go forward with your needs put first. You can choose all this.

He is a weak, selfish and pitiful human. You’re not. You’re loyal and kind and caring. You will get over him. You will. Life will be good again. It will take time so use that time for you. Think about what you want.

Find your anger. It will carry you through this bit. You can do this

Oh OP, I've just read the whole thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Similar is happening here too (announced he wanted to leave the last week of November) so I totally get the roller-coaster ride and the overwhelming sadness about it all. I even asked my ex yesterday if this was what he really wanted in some kind of stupid effort to bring him home, I miss what (I thought) we had so fucking much. Grieving the loss of someone who is still alive hurts like nothing I've ever experienced. I've just purchased the book 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' that came recommended by someone who had gone through similar, saying it helped kick her off the fence of wanting him back.

I've just read the thread. All previous advice is really good. OP please talk to your tutor
One thing struck me in your last post - you said you came from a dysfunctional family and didn't want the same for your kids. Have you considered that a family where one parent is cheating and the other parent is desperately trying to cover it up and ignore it is more dysfunctional that two separated parents living truthful lives? A "broken" home does not equal a dysfunctional home. A home with lies and selfishness (his selfishness in relation to OW) and turning a blind eye, well, I would consider that dysfunctional

How are the children managing?

Look up ‚the 5 stages of grief‘, it may make you understand your own feelings better. You‘ll have to allow yourself to live through them, before things get better (also, you may be hopping between stages). ,denial’ and ‚bargaining’ are part of it, too. So if you feel like hoping he will come back, step back and acknowledge that this is part of the grieving process. Just like anger, which you will feel at some point. And it is ok to feel that, too. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your messages, I’m so sorry to hear about other people going through this horrible situation too.

So I told uni and they have been relatively helpful in some ways, but primarily they are going to arrange counselling for me in the new year. I did my exams, I feel a bit deflated,but also relieved that they are over, I think I will have at least scraped passes but most importantly I’ve showed myself that I can carry on.

@weenurse Thank you for asking about the kids. They are up and down, still confused and possibly in a bit of denial? he has been here for two night while I was away for my exams (I have to travel overnight to do them) I think for them it feels a little like nothing has changed, his stuff is here, he stays here. Though they don’t see him again till Christmas Eve, so we will see how these next few days go. I think the reality for them won’t hit home till the new year. We have a plan in place for January, but beyond that I don’t know what he is planning to do. other than, he has already told me he won’t be living in our home town, but will be based an hour and a half away. What this means for the children I don’t know.

I am up and down, sometimes the pang of missing someone is just so physical, my heart starts racing and it’s like a panic sensation. Other times I’m ok and can get on with things. Then the other night I had to talk to him on the phone and it was like nothing has changed we talked for a time and it was like we always do. It felt momentarily so comforting. It is so, so confusing.

Most of my close friends now know and they have been so supportive and kind, I am very lucky to be friends with such caring people. His family are also trying their best to be supportive and kind but they are of course understandably conflicted.

I’ve had some incredibly helpful posts on this thread and I can’t tell you how grateful I am.

Well done with the exams! That's great that the counselling is available.

Don't forget that whatever you work out now - even his plans about where to live - might well not be permanent. The children get older and more independent and can just visit on their own; relationships end, new ones start. It's unpleasant living on shifting sands, but also means that you shouldn't panic to much at the idea of anything unpleasant always being that way from now on.

I know what you mean about the automatic responses being confusing. You wouldn't normally just cut contact with someone you know so well.

So Christmas came and went,we didn’t see him the days before because he was ‘working’ but he managed a night out in the pub and a lovely Christmas get together with OW and her sister and family but didn’t have enough time to see his children in the run up to Christmas

He turned up late after work on Christmas Eve and stayed on the sofa, went to work again then turned up late Christmas Day and again slept on the sofa. He was frustrated and angry with me for wanting to ‘go over old ground’ and have ‘digs’ at him. He didn’t want to discuss anything he just wanted to come home and have a ‘normal’ Christmas apparently. I actually at the time felt quite sorry for him because he did look really tired and stressed. What a fool I am.

I have brought the children up country to see his family as we do every year, they were so exited to come and see their relatives I couldn’t bring myself not to, I am also good friends with them so it’s nice to see them despite the circumstances. I suggested that as he has some time off he could have come to see them too and I would go elsewhere for a few days but he has no interest at all. And has absolutely refused despite now only seeing his children for around 5 hours over the two weeks of Christmas and new year. This is after them having been used to having a dad at home virtually every night, doing school pick ups, cooking tea etc

I was actually feeling reasonable today, until I just came across his new Facebook profile tonight, complete with a matching pair of lettered mugs as his profile pic. This has really upset me again, each time I feel a little bit better some fresh pain appears. The thing is, in my cupboard I have our monogrammed mugs and one of the presents I had got us was a new pair of mugs. These are basically identical, but with her initial. Not mine. And to set up a new profile so brazenly while discarding his old one with all the pictures of his children? I just don’t understand how he can be so callous to his own children?

So now I find myself with my heart pounding again wondering what the actual fuck happened to the person who less than 30 days ago was an attentive, caring, loving partner and parent?

Is there something actually wrong with him? Is this some sort of crisis? I have never had any reason to fault his love for his children and right now it really feels like he has put her squarely in front of them. Why??? Why the sudden change?? I literally don’t understand how this change can happen to someone? I’m pretty Sure the affair only started mid October? It’s just all so sudden.

How the actual fuck do I support my children through this kind of abandonment?

I’m going to carry on posting in this thread because I’m hoping and praying that this time next year I’ll read it back and it will feel like a distant nightmare and I will be able to se how far we’ve come.

It's all the affair fog right now. I do think it's time you ask him to move out now because him coming and going is no good for your mental health.

You will see how far you've come just keep repeating this too shall pass.

Ask him to move out for your mental health and your children’s

How're you doing OP? I have just read the whole thread and am shocked and sad for you. At least Christmas is over, soon New Year will be done and you can make plans. Change is always worse over Christmas-time. I hope things are a little better for you.

Wow.. just wow. Heart going out to you x

Heartbreaking situation. I’m so sorry for what’s happening to you and the kids. Wish I had something to contribute that would help. Heart goes out to you, really does.

The book runaway husbands is really good

I think the first thing now is to realize, this isn't the man you married. He is all about the OW now, and your feelings done matter. Like mine, and this happened a year ago, even now has put his ow above his own children, something I never thought he would do. He spent Christmas this year, with her and her children, not his own. I tried to stay friends, but in all honestly, we are just on friendly terms. He still thinks he can blame me for what happened, and feels he was right in every way. A year on, and yes I may still love him, that will not change for a long time, but things are so much better. The kids seen him for what he is, on their own, as I have always tried to be nice and kind about him, for their sake. But never did I think he could ever turn away from us the way he has. You will get stronger I promise, but let yourself get mad at him, you need to. Don't wish for him back, look at the hurt he has caused, and doesn't care, as long as he is happy. The worse thing I did was ever let him stay here, I do it as he lives along way from the kids, and I'm stopping that soon. He needs to learn what its like to not have everything his way, how to deal with this on his own, so make him stay somewhere else. Your kids are a lot stronger than you think, as are you x

Hi OP

I just wanted to come on and also offer some . Your situation ( and reaction) is almost identical to what happened to me last year, although my DC are much younger and I wasn’t as brave as you telling them before Christmas so the pretence dragged on until January.

I’m so sorry for the hurt you are feeling but do know it doesn’t get less intense and more manageable, although a year on and I’m still not there yet.

I also wanted to add that I too struggled with finding my anger ( I still do) and wanting to remain civil/friends with the ex. Mine is also complicated by the fact that because of where we live selling up would mean moving the DC school as I couldn’t afford to buy here. My ex does still
come and do bath and bed at the house with the kids 2x a week and I do in effect still facilitate his relationship with the DC.

I’ve tried to justify this to myself as being best for the DC and that we don’t all have to follow a conventional separation. But deep down I think I know it’s because I still can’t fully separate and also because I think I still believe at some level I am in the wrong and need to be ‘nice’ and a ‘good person’. I also haven’t felt the strength for the final push to fully break the relationship. I hope I can in the new year.

What I wanted to say though was that - whilst we all have to find our own path to follow and things take time - I wish I had been stronger in those first few months and really put strong boundaries in place. I have facilitated my exes narrative and it has made it much harder to carve my own life and identity. So I’m still in limbo. If you can I would say to try and find the strength not to be like me.

Hi OP,
You sound like a fantastic person and i so admire you're handling this. From the word go your first thought had been what's right for the kids - even when this means terribly hard things for you. I absolutely believe the most damaging thing about divorce (having gone through it as child and adult) is the way the grownups behave - not the fact of them splitting up. Seeing your mum and dad completely out of control with grief/anger/despair etc and witnessing all the hate they now feel for each other is devastating for children of any age and maybe more so for older ones - you seem to instinctively know this and want to protect them. This is what i find so admirable as its rare. Unfortunately what you cant do is protect them from their dad's abandonment (and fact that he seems to be a total arse). The job is his to do and he"s ditched it. My ex is v similar - went from loving father to born-again 20-something with childless new woman. 5 yrs on I'm still trying to organise stuff for my kids (went on for 8 hours on boxing day so he could hang out with them in my house) but its always crap for them as he just talks about himself. It's done untold damage and both my girls have mental.health problems. In this situation having a good mum is a lifesaver - but i think part of that job is accepting what you can't fix for them and helping them to accept their loss. V best of luck

Mine left 4 years ago, just before Christmas. It was so hard. Our children were older than yours, but my H (like yours) made his choices very clear-they were not his priority, the OW was. My children were really hurt, lost, bewildered, as was I. They then, and now, didn't quite dare express their real emotions to him as they thought he'd be off without a backward glance (especially once he'd said that this was all about his happiness, no-one else's).

4 years later, I wish he hadn't gone, I wish he'd chosen to try and make things better for us (like you, I truly hadn't known he was so unhappy), but that was his choice. Now, I can see that he'd made a decision long before I knew what was happening, and I do think some men can just jump ship because the grass momentarily seems greener, and then can't seem to find, even if they want to, a reverse gear.

However, things are good for me now. I have a better relationship with the children than I had, and a more honest one than he has with them. I am really proud of the things I've achieved on my own. Please, take it from one who has been there: you will survive this. You will surprise yourself. And you will find peace and happiness if you allow yourself that. Just get 2 things: a good lawyer to safeguard your future and counselling to have a safe place for your own feelings and to help build a future. Say yes to stuff, and do what you are already doing: celebrate your friends, keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are strong and resilient, and you will get through this.

I can’t tell you all enough how much I appreciate each persons contributions to my thread. Your support is incredible and it does so helps me to not feel quite so alone. Thank you.

I can start to feel myself hardening now, the situation with the Facebook profile is what has done it for me. He absolutely will not change it despite me explaining how hurtful I find it, why it’s so hurtful and why I think it would upset the children he absolutely will not change it. Being unnecessarily unkind to anyone is unforgivable in my book, not least to his children and someone who only a month ago was his life partner. I see now very clearly that pleasing OW is the only priority for him, regardless of the consequences. Only spending 5 hours with his children over Christmas and new year is another symptom of this. The other thing about the Facebook thing is I think he is currently feeling quite powerful. Never thought I would get into a power dynamic with this person but yet here we are. He’s had everything his own way, hes not seen anyone to face up to what he’s done, he’s not seen any of his family or friends over Christmas because he is using the excuse of work. His colleagues at work have never met me or his children therefore only have his side of the story. Hes not had to find anywhere to live. He’s basically not meeting any consequences to his actions yet.

Unfortunately I can’t as yet return any control back to me because I need him to come and look after the children next month while I go away for a few days with my degree. When that’s over though I really will try and regain some of the control he’s taken away from me by making clear plans and boundaries. What they will be though as yet I have no idea....

I’ve also realised now that I can’t protect the kids from his actions, or his family or even himself for that matter, I can’t persuade him to see the children, I can’t persuade him to behave kindly, he will do, what he will do. I however am no longer going to minimise to anyone what he’s doing. He will hang himself from his own petard, or whatever the bloody expression is.

So today I feel a bit clearer, a bit tougher and a bit stronger. I hopefully start counselling next week. And there are many many things in my life to be greatful for. Not least having a shit hot divorce solicitor as a best friend....

Thank you all.

I had that with the Facebook pictures and all the work colleagues seeing and liking it!! It was awful. I don't dare look anymore as it really hurts. I could never understand why they had to do that when he hadn't even got his stuff from our home yet and I was still making sense of what had happened. It's bewildering op.

You're sounding really good :)