Partner affair, how to deal with it best.

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

I could really do with some advice and maybe a bit of a handhold.

I found out my Partner of 16 years, two teenage children, was having an affair 3 weeks ago. I found out by checking his messages of facebook. His first response was to say tgat he was in love with her, but he also minimised what had been going on saying yes only slept with her once etc etc.
This basically csme about following him recently started a new job that meant him commuting a long way and staying over a couple of nights a week.

The following day, after I found out, he told me openly he was going to talk to her and later came home and told me he wanted to try again with me. He promised me he had gone no contact with her. I really felt this might work, I realise we had been together since we are young and the middle year’s of a relationship could probably be considered quite mundane and a relationship with a younger woman with none of the commitments and general bulshit of family must be very alluring.

Things were beginning to settle down. However a day or two ago While he was staying away I had reason to believe he was lying about his location and it made me massively insecure and a bit paranoid.

When he came home from work yesterday he told me he wanted to separate and after some probing this is because he wants to start a relationship with other woman. I am bereft. We were never unhappy, never argue, we get along incredibly well and had a good sex life. We both think it would be best if he stayed at home until the new year to try and give the kids a good Christmas and make a plan of how to move forward.

I am deeply deeply hurting and upset but i love my children more and as such I really want to try spend this time positively and try and end up with the best of a bad job. Equally I just want to curl into a ball and cry. It doesn’t help really that DP seems to have given very very little thought to his decision and is seemingly looking to me to direct things as best I can for all of us. Added to this I am in a really precarious position being half way through a degree with a big set of exams in two weeks.

Please has anyone got any advice of how I can make this work out best for everyone. I just don’t know what to do. I feel completely beaten.

Thank you

[HazelBite]

Going from my own experience trying to get through Christmas, and pretending nothing is amiss is absolutely awful.
Far better to give him his marching orders now and give yourself a few weeks to deal with your exams, and calm down a little having a quiet Christmas with the DC's.
He is abandoning you and the Dc's he really shouldn't feature in your future plans.
Concentrate on you for the moment, your exams, then the DC's, he doesn't deserve your consideration, please remember this

[eatingtomuch]

I really feel for you OP. My relationship with my exH ended at the end of November four years ago.

My children were 12 & 15 at the time. I asked him to leave. There was no other women involved (continue lying and gambling), but it was still very hard. The kids had never witnessed any arguments, I had hid his gambling from everyone and spent years trying to support him.

We sat and told the children together and then he left. To be honest looking back I think that was for the best, for us all. It gave us chance to speak as our new little family, we chatted about the past and the future. I made no promises, but I made sure they knew they were my priority and we would be ok. I don't think these conversations would of flowed so easily if he was sat there.

We had a lovely Christmas, just me and the kids (they saw their dad briefly away from the house).

I don't think I could have pretended for weeks that all was good (I'd found out about another lone it was a huge betrayal of trust). I created a positive atmosphere and we looked forward.

Please try and be strong (I Know it's hard) and don't make things easy for him. How will you feel if he leaves after Xmas lunch to be with OW??

If you can you need to ask him to leave and start building a life for you and the kids. Also, if they are teens when they are told in the new year they will see this Xmas as a fake. You are also becoming part of his lies, which is not a good start. I always promised my kids from the day they were told that I'd be honest with them.

I also want to add I have the best relationship with both my kids now aged 16 & 19 and I do think this is due to the honesty between us.

Good luck OP.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

As others have said, he needs to leave now. You are only putting yourself through further turmoil by him staying.

H and I split approx 3 years ago, we had grown apart, he didn't want the split so was hostile but now we have just about become friends again - until now was very much communication just for the children etc. I think we are both better parents separately.

[ciderhouserules]

OP - you can't be friends with him. If he suspects that, he will screw you over on everything - house, support, access, money... My 'D'father did it to my mum. She was so concerned with seeming to be the 'nice' one, that he really screwed her over money/pension/housing.

INDIFFERENCE is what you are looking for! Cold, hard indifference.

[Demented101]

Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You are not pathetic or passive. You have just been dealt a bodyblow from someone you trusted to love and care for you. It takes a while to absorb the shock from that.

I think you have been given good advice on this thread. Dont worry so much about being a friend to him. He is not your friend! If that happens sometime in the future, well and good, but not a priority at the moment.

Do you think he is thinking of how he can be a good friend to you when he is with the ow? Of how he can treat you with respect and integrity?

If you can get him to leave, please do so. Thats from someone whose exh is still in the house as that is what suited him. When he had a moment of shock after being found out, he offered to leave, but that didnt last. 1 year later I am so sorry I didnt take him up on that and pack the bags for him!

Look after yourself and your dc xxx

[MadMum101]

So sorry you're going through this OP.

You say the DC are aware something is amiss. Surely it's better for them to find out now so they now what's going on rather than you killing yourself to fake it for them and for him?

Better to get the trauma out of the way, quickly then you and the DC can work on healing and creating a new life. They're not stupid, it must make them feel very insecure that something big's going down but they don't know what or understand why you're so rightfully upset?

I'd give him an ultimatum to tell them tonight or you will. Then he needs to leave so you can lick your wounds without him looking on while you do so. It's an unbearable situation which he is controlling.

You need to take control back.

Your kids may have a shit Christmas because their father decided to have an affair just before. That's not your fault. Do what you can to make it decent. Make it a Christmas where you eat what you and DC want, do what you want, even if it's just sitting eating crap in pj's under a blanket watching a movie together. It's just one Christmas out of many. Better than than the shit hitting the fan when they least expect it. Even the strongest person would find it impossible to keep it together.

Wishing you strength x

[Alfiemoon1]

Agree with the other posters he needs to leave ASAP. You are just making it harder on yourself. I am sure your dc will sense something is wrong he needs to be honest with them

So sorry u are going through this op

[MadMum101]

I really struggle to understand the audacity of a man(or woman) who stays on in the family home after admitting to having sex with another woman and blatantly going off to meet her before coming home again to his wife and DC knowing that the wife must be in bits and still having to cope with the DC.

They must be sociopaths surely?

[Abitsadbuthopeful]

That explains my husband, he must be a psychopath. he's still living at home and going away on trips with his girlfriend. I want him out but he won't go.

[Lozzerbmc]

I’m so sorry for you OP its horrible and it takes me back to xmas pretence for family (no kids, but our parents on xmas day) when my exh met another OW and wasnt sure if he wanted to be with her - we had big row and split up on xmas day! I moved out of our rented flat (we’d given notice) he hurried me up as was meeting her! Your teenagers will know something majorly wrong. I would think it would be better to make him leave and then have a quiet xmas. You’ll be devastated i know but dont make it easy for him at the cost to you. The strain of pretence is awful. Be kind to yourself x

[AnyFucker]

"Friends" don't treat each other like this

[Alfie190]

One of my work colleagues was cheated on by his wife. She told him when they were on holiday and shortly before their son's GCSEs. He had to keep quiet for months until the exams were over as he didn't want to risk the disruption. He says it was a horrendous time of his life.

I think you hanging on until Christmas, primarily comes from a place of hoping he has a good family time and changes his mind. I would get rid of him now, I cannot imagine living in the same house as my husband whilst he goes off to meet an OW and plan their future. It would torment me.

There will never be a good time to break this news to the children, so you (he I mean) might as well get on with it.

[Anasnake]

Get rid before Xmas.

[WinterSunglasses]

Don't agree to him sleeping on the sofa to visit the kids - hope you've told him that won't be happening.

[Demented101]

Yes, don't get sucked into some arrangement where he sees the kids in your place, that's not much better than him not moving out. You are still making yourself a convenience to him.

I felt the same as you, so stressed about the impact on the children, but the thing was, I was the only one considering that. He had his attention elsewhere..

If you do have a lovely family Christmas, it will probably just confirm his worldview that he can have it all, whatever it feels like for you. You can be sure he has had that view for a while now...

The one thing I would say to offer balance in favour of waiting is that kids will pick up on your emotions. If you do wait to tell them and you feel strong and they know you are ok, that will help them. Counselling for you if possible would be great and would also help you with the emotional manipulation you are experiencing.

I wish I had some words from the wise for you, I'm not at the end of it yet, but feeling stronger and clearer all the time. I just wanted to say, the sooner out the door the better! It's not the case for me but I suspect that is the case even where couples reconcile

All the best xxx

[Demented101]

And Yes! there are a lot of sociopaths out there, you don't always see them. It's more like wolves in sheep's clothing and it's low-level covert stuff.

I think we can suffer from a sort of cognitive dissonance where we think that others will treat us as we treat them and unfortunately that's not always the case

[BitOutOfPractice]

Why would you want to be friends with someone who treats you like this? What do you think the kids will think when they know the truth?

[user1481840227]

He needs to go before Christmas. Things like this can absolutely explode at Christmas. You could be trying to make the best of the day and he wants to make an excuse to head out for an hour or you see him smiling at his phone and then boom, it will all come out.

Me and my ex are brilliant friends! I was the one who ended it, he took it so badly, threatening me, threatening suicide, 6 months of hell basically but I treated him with compassion and never tried to make anything worse...and we came out the other side as friends.
Your partner is showing you absolutely no compassion or empathy, he knows the stresses that exams bring and how you will not be able to focus on them because of this, he knows that Christmas can be a traumatic time for those who are struggling, and what is the prick doing?
He's heading off to see her and then coming back to the house, planning to move in with her but sleep on the sofa to see the kids. He is not living in reality and is showing you zero understanding. He will get worse, not better if you let him stay there.
Tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Do you have anyone in real life to support you?

[Figgygal]

He'd be out of the house already if it was me Please don't martyr yourself or let him walk all over you in trying to be "friends". Can you see a lawyer for. Free initial consultation?

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Friends is a great idea, but you will get angry soon, which is good and natural, and will help you.

As for him staying with the OW during the week, then staying on your sofa weekends I hope you told him to fuck off!

I'd be asking him to leave now, he needs to feel the enormity of his decision, and you need peace (As much as that's possible)

[decentchap]

I've had this the other way round (wife and a bloke) and stayed for time with my young daughter. I wish I hadnt. There is no real choice here - you are the primary concern - its your life that will fall apart if you stay. Be practical, as said, get a solicitor brief him, keep upwith exams - there lies your future. Ask him to leave and you'll sort out the finances in the New Year. Tell the children the truth they will be your support. Its not selfish -its simply self preservation. Old phrase, if one's not enough a thousands never plenty.
He doesnt deserve you and thats a fact.

[pusspuss9]

OP please don't hide your feelings of anger from your children. They need to understand there are repercussions when you treat somebody badly. They need to understand that anger or rage or similar feelings are a normal reaction to being treated with distain and cruelty, and that there is nothing wrong in reacting like that.

I found out that my ex was having and affaire in October of one year and by Christmas he was staying with her and her family. It was a difficult first Christmas for me and my grown up children and their families, even though we all pretended not to notice he wasn't there, but subsequent Christmases have been wonderful family times.
Hang in there and hold your head up high.

[Graphista]

1 the bullshit he fed you was classic cheaters script: deny, minimise, admit nothing that isn't proven, blame the cheated on spouse, rewrite history

2 it's not up to him if he stays, you're the betrayed party he's the one that fucked up! It's a HELL of an ask to expect you to play happy families for several weeks just to give him better publicity within the family! Get him gone!

3 ducks in a row time. I could tell you horror stories about exs behaviour in immediate aftermath of a split inc my ex who left us penniless and almost homeless. Time to find a shit hot lawyer too (ask friends for recommendations) not all lawyers are equal.

4 do not do the pick me dance you're worth more than that

5 be honest with DC. Pointless doing otherwise, they figure it out anyway and they need to feel they can trust at least one parent. Plus why should you protect his reputation?

"Is it completely delusional of me to imagine that we could end up friends? I would really like to think that this could be possible." Yes. Sorry but it is, he is no longer on your side so be careful what you tell him.

"His initial suggestion about how things would be was that he would stay with her on his work days then come and stay on the sofa here when he wanted to see his kids......" No! Total piss take!

"I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to give them a few weeks of transition where he stays at home for a week or so after telling them" no too confusing for them and you.

Is OW married? That may be why he's reluctant to move out - because she hasn't yet pulled the trigger, and may not have any intention of doing so either!

[Oldermummy2019]

Don’t know your financial situation, but I would kick him out now and take the kids away for Christmas. Skiing or canaries just so you both have spaceports start processing the hurt.

[user1467718508]

Sorry this is happening, OP. Better you found out though.

What a rancid entitlement, thinking he can see his OW through the week and enjoy returning back to the family home for weekends. Does he assume that your life will freeze after his departure?
To not think of your needs, or how you might also want to move on and not have to host him on your sofa whenever he pleases. The selfishness is staggering.

Personally I'd advise against having him in the family home once you've told your children.
It will blur the lines of what's happening and ultimately prolong the hurt.