Partner affair, how to deal with it best.

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

I could really do with some advice and maybe a bit of a handhold.

I found out my Partner of 16 years, two teenage children, was having an affair 3 weeks ago. I found out by checking his messages of facebook. His first response was to say tgat he was in love with her, but he also minimised what had been going on saying yes only slept with her once etc etc.
This basically csme about following him recently started a new job that meant him commuting a long way and staying over a couple of nights a week.

The following day, after I found out, he told me openly he was going to talk to her and later came home and told me he wanted to try again with me. He promised me he had gone no contact with her. I really felt this might work, I realise we had been together since we are young and the middle year’s of a relationship could probably be considered quite mundane and a relationship with a younger woman with none of the commitments and general bulshit of family must be very alluring.

Things were beginning to settle down. However a day or two ago While he was staying away I had reason to believe he was lying about his location and it made me massively insecure and a bit paranoid.

When he came home from work yesterday he told me he wanted to separate and after some probing this is because he wants to start a relationship with other woman. I am bereft. We were never unhappy, never argue, we get along incredibly well and had a good sex life. We both think it would be best if he stayed at home until the new year to try and give the kids a good Christmas and make a plan of how to move forward.

I am deeply deeply hurting and upset but i love my children more and as such I really want to try spend this time positively and try and end up with the best of a bad job. Equally I just want to curl into a ball and cry. It doesn’t help really that DP seems to have given very very little thought to his decision and is seemingly looking to me to direct things as best I can for all of us. Added to this I am in a really precarious position being half way through a degree with a big set of exams in two weeks.

Please has anyone got any advice of how I can make this work out best for everyone. I just don’t know what to do. I feel completely beaten.

Thank you

[RemindMeToMoveTheElf]

As a previous poster (can’t remember who) said, it is easy when you have good intentions to accidentally fall into a narrative that suits the ex where ‘it’s all amicable and we are parting on good terms’. I made this mistake, and have spent the ensuing years trying to extricate myself from being the magnanimous one at great cost to myself. You can be a good parent without giving up your personal autonomy. You are entitled to establish your own rules now. You don’t have to be nice to be fair.

[granadagirl]

Op I don’t think your thinking straight, get some self respect for yourself.

What you tried to do was put doubt into him by trying to tell him, how hurt you are, the kids will be so upset, you want have as much money when you pay for kids and keep another house going etc etc.

He’s a selfish tw.. thought of just himself.

He told you he was going to meet ow, and you just took it. I bet you had his tea ready for him when he came back too.
He’s taking the piss out of you.

The kids will have there ideas, you can hide much from teenagers. Your not protecting them. Tell them yourself, why you try to make it all nicely what he’s done? There’s no easy way, just because the kids might cry HE isn’t going to stay.

You can’t be friends when dh/DP as cheated on you, to much deceit,anger .
He’s delusional to think he can live with her mon-fri and then come to yours and sleep on sofa, ffs .
Tell him to go, never mind him waiting to get his ducks in a row.

[Bluewidow]

I think your approach is Admiral. My only worry is that your partner will think so too. Please make it clear to him that just because your acting very reasonable does not mean that he can come crawling back at some point. You can be friends but you will need to set very clear boundaries. Ie friends give each other emotional support- not sure you could ever do that for a long time.

[Woodandsky]

Hi there I wanted to add my support. It is now 5 weeks since I discovered my husband’s affair (all the sorry details are on here if you want to look) and my first thought, as with you, was for the impact on my teenage children. At the moment I think we will stay together but time will tell.

If you want to give the kids one last family Christmas, I totally understand that, but don’t lose yourself under the weight of it. Better for it to come out now than in the middle of Christmas Day.

Relate counselling has been really helpful for me, you can go on your own and it’s such a relief to have someone you can talk to and get some perspective, I recommend you get onto them ASAP.

You’re an amazing person, you will get through this.

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

Hello all.

Thought I would update the thread.

So, I found it really hard to come back here after all your advice telling me to get him to go because I njust really couldn’t do it. I think I just thought he would eventually change his mind, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything to jeopardise that. So after about a week Og him getting more and more withdrawn from me, staying up there then coming home, my panic and anger and sadness worsening daily I wrote him an email and basically asked him to change his mind. He came home and said no, he’d made his mind up, told me how much he felt he loved her how she made him feel different, how he’s never loved anyone like this before. But the kicker was him saying he had never been unhappy but also maybe he had never been that happy either. And at this point I just gave up. I realised that this is the classic script in his head where he is now rewriting history to fit his own narrative and at this point there’s nothing more I can do.

After a day or two I ended up realising that there was an alternative for Christmas Day, that the kids would be happy, and though I’m not going to do that because it means separating the kids from their dad at least I felt I had an option, so I told him I couldn’t go on like this till Christmas and we had to tell the kids.

Which we did two days ago. And still I can’t really believe this is happening. Both were shocked to the core, and had no inkling this was going to happen though they said they had noticed I was looking sad. Neither were cross with me for not wating till after Christmas. Both are just very very sad and confused and disbelieving.

So the situation now is that I have told one of his family but he has told no one else. The family member I told was furious with him, which I realise people will find hard to understand but I find it really difficult and am now minimising everything and trying to find ways to justify his behaviour. I’m so confused as to why I feel like this. I just don’t know how things will be, I really don’t want his family to fall out with him. I suppose it’s worth saying that I have no family of my own and I have always felt like his family are my family.

I just don’t know at all.

[alansleftfoot]

Tell everyone

[pusspuss9]

I know how you feel op. When I found out about my ex's affair I also initially made all kinds of excuses for him, blaming myself for things that really were not my fault. I was also very sad at the thought of his family and friends being disappointed in him, however I now feel this might be a phase we sometimes go though after such a shock that has shaken our judgements of people to it's foundations. I notice the same phenomena when somebody that has cared ceaselessly for a sick relative that eventually died. They often blame themselves for all kinds of things when there clearly isn't any reason to blame themselves. I think this is a similar feeling.
You are being much too kind to your OH. Time will bring out justifiable anger . Other people will make their own judgement of him. You don't need to worry about that.

[user1479305498]

Leave him to it OP, the best revenge is a life well lived. Be fair, be calm, try and look after yourself and do fun stuff and eventually it will seem to matter far less . Rise above it is all I can say and oh don’t hesitate to tell people the truth, don’t make him look ‘not that bad’ although with the children don’t show vitriol or get them to take sides.

[TatianaLarina]

I think you’re trying to protect the view you had of him. That’s why you’re minimising and justifying.

You’re realising the person he truly is and it’s hard.

[alansleftfoot]

How other people view his shitty behaviour is not your problem. Do not make excuses for him. In time the shock will pass and be replaced by anger.

[ravenmum]

Sounds like you are getting back in the driving seat again JMOG, not the best time to break up but that can't be helped, and I really do think this Christmas scenario will be less stressful, shit though it might all be.

You can justify his behaviour by saying "No-one's beyond an affair" or "Even smart people do stupid things", and explain the history rewriting as being just what we humans do to make ourselves feel better about our actions. Doesn't mean you have to quietly put up with it, though!

His family will soon find out you're breaking up, right? They might simply ask you why.

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

I’ve spoken to most of his family today, so they now know, and they know about the OW. He’s framed it for them like it’s some kind of Disney romance that he is powerless to resist, and how sad he is about it all which is really hard to swallow.

I feel like shit today, my exams are next week, I can’t concentrate for longer than 5 minutes. Oh and it’s my birthday. :(

[Abitsadbuthopeful]

You wouldn't wish that lying cheating manchild on your worst enemy. She's welcome to him.
Happy birthday. You don't know it yet, but you're well rid xxx

[BrendasUmbrella]

Don't try to be his friend. Be no more than civil. And make sure you protect your interests and your dc's interests. Every "disney romance" is enhanced by a villain, and you could get cast in that role the second you and the dc's may inconvenience his happy new situation.

Expect for things to turn nasty over money. Make sure you have access to all financial information and take copies. See a lawyer about what you're entitled to. Don't let him use being civil to screw you out of anything.

And when everything has settled, make plans to have a big celebration next birthday

[TatianaLarina]

I feel like shit today, my exams are next week, I can’t concentrate for longer than 5 minutes. Oh and it’s my birthday.

I don’t usually do unMNy hugs but really this deserves it
(((((((((hugs)))))))))

[Whatdyknow]

Happy Birthday OP.

At a similar place on the journey by the sound of things and it's truly crap.
STBX has OW he's apparently unable to resist (i think the Disney description fits perfectly) but still hasn't been able to find anywhere else to live as she's still living with her partner. He also seems to think that he will be able to come & stay at weekends to see DS. Tells me repeatedly how sad he is and yet told DS he loved OW and he just can't help it. Great message for DS & future relationships.

I take heart from what others say on here that things will get better. I think they just have to as this situation is unbearable.
Dreading Xmas but definitely better now it's out in the open with DS. Hated the thought of him looking back and thinking I'd deceived him too.

Allow yourself to melt down if you need to while cutting off from him bit by bit as much as you can.

Might find that the exams offer you a break from what's going on if you can manage to get stuck into the work. Really see them as a new start and recognise how strong you are to be doing them in the first place.

[pog100]

He is a shit to do this to you in this way and and at this time. However, you are going to end up stronger from this. You already sound like you are thinking quite clearly about life.
I used to be a Uni; course leader and I have seen students go through all sorts and do exceptionally well. However, it is probably worth telling a tutor what is happening, and should you need to defer, you will have it recorded.
Good luck!

[choli]

Do you have a job? If not that's step one.

[UnicornSlaughters]

Get that selfish wanker out of your house. It will be the best birthday present you've ever given yourself.

I'm so sorry, and so flabbergasted by the man's total lack of regard for anyone except himself. What a giant waste of oxygen.

[Weenurse]

Good luck with your exams.
Empty joint bank accounts, get paperwork set aside.
Ask him not to come back unless you have agreed to a time.
Take the power back over the DC and house and make all about the three of you and what you want.
Start as you mean to continue with Christmas and plan a Christmas with new traditions that don’t include him.

[DorothyParker111]

Please talk to your university asap, they will have an extenuating circumstances policy and are used to hear about all kinds of difficult personal situations. Do not feel embarrassed about telling them what is going on in your life. They will want to help you get the fairest results possible but in order to do so you need to tell them what's happening. Wishing you all the best

[moredoll]

Yes, let your university know BEFORE you sit your exams.

[PearlandRubies194]

Please have a word with your supervisor; you’re experiencing something traumatic that’s bound to have an effect on your academic work. They’re very supportive and you’ll be able to apply for an extension. Even if it’s an extra two weeks so that you can enjoy Christmas as much as possible with your daughters.

I know yesterday’s birthday wasn’t the happiest but next year’s will be better. Your girls are so lucky to have such a lovely mum.

[Belleende]

Oh love, what a shit bag. What a shitty crappy thing to do to another human being, never mind the mother of your children.

It is going to be really hard, but you need to find your inner tiger. You say you want to protect your kids from animosity, I understand this, but you have bigger fish to fry right now. You only have a limited time to do this. He is thinking with his cock right now, as soon as he starts looking at the practicalities of his new life, this will change and you and the kids will become mere inconveniences. The man you married has gone, if he ever existed. You are dealing with someone else now, someone you have no reason to trust. You must protect yourself and your children.

1. You need get all your paperwork together. Find his bank statements, his wage slips, pension accounts, savings account. Copy everything and keep it safe.
   
   
2. Find a good lawyer
   
   
3. Throw him out
   
   
4. Agree a reasonable amount of maintenance
   
   
5. Agree access arrangements for the children
   
   
6. Tell everyone. Accept help when offered
   
   
7. Be wary of his family, they may be angry with him now, but anger fades, and blood ties usually win out.
   
   As oiiiiii said up thread. You may be able to get to a place of friendship with him, but you have an ocean of shit to wade through first. Time to get wading. Good luck.

[deadliftgirl]

Hi I am so so sorry to read about your situation.

First things first, defer your exams, explain to your personal tutor or course coordinator and they will allow you exceptional circumstances and you can probably take the exams next semester. Your reasons for it is good. I work in academia so I now the system well and this should work for you.

Secondly, if your partner wants to leave then he will and I am so sorry. I would turn to family and friends for support. I would tell him that he needs to break his children's heart by leaving and that you will not do it for him. From what you said, you are not married and the trust is broken, he doesn't deserve you. It sounds like you have great prospects with your degree. I suggest you get rid of him, not after Christmas but now and move on with your life. Its going to hurt more everyday he is around.