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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Head or heart? Help me stay strong

29 replies

mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 11:02

Very brief, H and I have split after his affair and him treating me like sh*t for the last 8 months. Previously wonderful husband and father turned into the most deceitful, manipulative person I know. Being with me and ds for the good times. Leaving night after night to be with his teenage girlfriend when it suited.
Have given him more chances than he deserved. And he has thrown it all back in my face.

The problem....

We have 4 tickets to a local music festival this weekend. Our 2 friends have dropped out last minute.
Given he has made his decision that we are over, I said we should split the tickets 2 each, take a guest each, and go separately.

He wants to go together. He really does. And the truth of the matter is that we would have a great time if we did. We love the same bands, we have a great laugh together, we would go out to our favourite club after it... But he would leave me again on Sunday. For definite.

My head - I can clearly see it is another case of him wanting the good times and not the bad.

My heart - I still love him and know I would have a better day with him than without him.
But then I would have the heartache when he leaves again on Sunday. While he would be happy that he got the day out he wanted.

Think I want some reassurance that sticking to my guns and going separately is the right thing. It is bloody hard when your head and heart want different things!

OP posts:
coppertop · 22/06/2007 11:12

Stick to your guns. Why should everything be on his terms?

Good luck xx

Freckle · 22/06/2007 11:18

Bugger him. Invite 3 friends and go without him.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 11:22

Thank you

It is always on his terms. I know it has to stop.

I just need to keep the will power so that I don't cave in again. Otherwise he'll know he still has the power to manipulate me into doing what he wants. Never knew it would hurt me this much though!

Freckle that's what my best mate said!

OP posts:
NoodleStroodle · 22/06/2007 11:23

Do as Freckle suggests!

Of course he want to go with you - he gets the best of everything and you get bereft, emotionally confused and dumped.

curiouscat · 22/06/2007 11:23

Definitely don't go with him. He's messing with your head.

snowwonder · 22/06/2007 11:23

i would say no
i split with dp 2 years ago, and 6 weeks after we split we went to a concert together.. i saw it as an oppurtunity to show him what a mistake he was making - i wanted him back, and pulled all the strings to make sure we had a great time, we walked home together and slept together, but the next morning he left again and i felt like s**t i really did, i can still remember the awful feeling now writing this,

i would say no, go with some friends or sell the tickets,

best wishes

snowwonder · 22/06/2007 11:24

by the way if it is tickets for glastonbury i am happy to take his place!!!!

Original poster
mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 11:27

thanks everyone

snowwonder that's exactly what I'm scared of. he's done it to me before.

I can feel the anger coming back now... I think I will ask him for all 4 tickets. My sister and her mate could come too then and they would love it. That way there would be no chance of bumping into him either!

OP posts:
Original poster
mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 11:28

snowwonder wish it was glastonbury!!

it's the Knowsley Hall Music festival in liverpool... very poor second best!!!

OP posts:
PersonalClown · 22/06/2007 11:29

I'm with Freckle too.
Why should he have only the good bits?
It's All or nothing.

uberalice · 22/06/2007 11:29

No way. Don't go with him. It'll all end in tears. So sorry to hear of your troubles mls.

toomanydaves · 22/06/2007 11:32

MLS definitely don't go with him. I agree with going with three of your friends and having a total blast.
Good luck, and have fun.
Sorry he is such a player.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 11:40

thank you

not one person saying I should go so that gives me that extra boost of confidence!

and knowing I will have to come on here on Sunday or Monday and confess all, will give me the extra incentive to stick to it! (MN spies will be everywhere so I know I can't lie! )

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 22/06/2007 12:54

MLS, great idea to get all 4 tix and take your sister.

Alternatively, take the guy from work you had a drink with the other week. That'll give H something to think over if you happen to run into him.

Definately don't go with H tho.

BTW, I just saw Joss Stone's rider for the gig. Talk about a Diva!

Have a great great time.
x

Original poster
mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 13:20

thanks pc

all organised, best mate, sister and her best mate all confirmed! My sister's only 18 but she's most excited about seeing The Who! Can't explain that one!

Will let you all know how it goes!

xx

OP posts:
elasticbandstand · 22/06/2007 13:21

good for you.
you will feel so much better for being strong.

moulimoo · 22/06/2007 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mylittlestar · 22/06/2007 14:30

thanks moulimoo I know you're all right! good to have some back up though!

sorry to hear things not so good anything we can help with?

OP posts:
moulimoo · 22/06/2007 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

macdoodle · 22/06/2007 17:45

well done my DH did this too me and I fell for it every time bravo you have a fab time!!! Just think of having to struggle by yourself at disney without him so f... him he doesn't get to pick which bits he wants does he

coppertop · 22/06/2007 20:58

Well done, MLS. ood for you.

coppertop · 22/06/2007 20:59

good not 'ood'.

ginnedupmummy · 23/06/2007 19:34

Message withdrawn

hurtwife · 23/06/2007 19:56

MLS I hope you went without him too, do let us know how it went.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 24/06/2007 15:42

Quick update

Went without him. Had an absolutley great day - aside from the mud!

Actually went out with my sister on Friday night too, and found out loads more stuff he'd been up to (people in the local knowing him and seeing him with his girlfriend!!) so it gave me the extra incentive to tell him where to go when he turned up here yesterday morning, all apologetic asking if we could go together because 'we'd have a great day'... what a shit!
We'd have had a great life if he hadn't had an affair, sold our home and pulled out of the new one, and walked away from his wife and child...

I'm glad I told him where to go. About time he feels some of the pain he's putting me through

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