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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner up to no good? Strange activity

108 replies

Meowzers55 · 27/11/2018 20:41

Yesterday my partner had to drive a 3 hour trip to get his phone fixed that wasn’t working..

Last night I checked his phone (I’m very paranoid although I know it’s wrong) and he had phoned a strange number. I googled the number and it was a really weird massage place in the city he had to go to. It looks like a massage place that offers extras put it that way. I also checked online banking and he had taken out £90

I confronted him last night and he told me he booked an appointment but never went and it was only for a massage nothing else. This is a man who has never been for a massage in his life. I asked him why he kept the “massage” a secret from me and he couldn’t answer? And he also can’t explain where the £90 now is

He’s totally lying isn’t he? By the way we have 2 DC and have been together 7.5 years

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 29/11/2018 07:52

I would tell him to come clean and tell you everything or it's over (then dump him anyway). You will never be able to trust him again. Sorry your going through this OP

Jackshouse · 29/11/2018 08:01

Get copies of his payslips and pensions. Put passports, birth certificates and important documents some where safe. If you have gone to work then come home to collect this stuff up and take it to a friends or relatives. You don’t have to tell them why.

You need an STI check lovely. He has cheated and paid for sex with someone whom is probably vulnerable women while you were pregnant, risks your and your baby’s health all for his kicks. This is not a good, decent man to be trusted.

Don’t feel bad ablout telling the truth to others either. If this happened to some I knew I would think the man was a scumbag and would think the women was brave for telling the truth.

I am sorry that this dickhead has put you in this situation and now he is trying to blame you and make you feel guilty. You can take control of the situation now.

Alfie190 · 29/11/2018 08:02

OP you are not seriously still wondering if he has been up to anything are you? He has and probably has been for the whole time. Don't bother waiting for his confession, he won't ever confess.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/11/2018 12:32

I’m not going to go in all guns blazing saying we are over because I need the truth out of him

As I've said to so many in this awful situation - myself included - he'll never tell you the truth because, to him, there's nothing to be gained. He'll know that if he does there's a risk you'll leave him, and if you leave him anyway there's no point in having told you

Deep down you know all you need to anyway, including the fact he's lied countless times before and isn't going to change now. There are some situations where there's room for doubt but sadly this isn't one of them, so once the "how can I make this right" phase is over your only options are to make plans to leave or to accept what he is and try to live your life that way

I tried the second option for a while, and believe me it isn't an attractive one

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/11/2018 12:41

Oh, and another vote for the excellence of STI clinics, which don't need to involve your GP or even your medical records

All of it can be done anonymously - they'll actually ask if you want your doctor to be notified at all - and you can give a false name if you choose, though obviously they'll need a contact to text or email your results

Overall, though, I can safely say I've never met more compassionate, empathetic staff anywhere. Never forget that they see women in your situation all the time and they're very, very good at it

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2018 15:32

He has clearly been lying his arse off for YEARS. Hopefully your blinders are well off now. What a pathetic prick of a man. Toss him out right now.

Original poster
Meowzers55 · 05/12/2018 11:51

Thank you again for all of the replies.

It’s very easy for people to say leave him but we have 2 very young children. I’m not saying I had forgiven him but I was trying to work out in my head a way I could move past this

However, this morning I found a receipt on his emails. While he was away in this other city he had drove in a bus lane (which he failed to mention to me) and got a ticket which he paid. The street was 1 street along from this lovely massage place. Feeling very stupid now thinking there was the slightest chance he could have been telling the truth.. he’s at work at the moment so I will have to speak to him about this when he gets home. Can’t believe how good a liar someone can be

OP posts:
sheswhat · 05/12/2018 12:19

He's been paying for sex with women on a regular basis. You can do so much better than that

bethy15 · 05/12/2018 12:22

He'll just lie again and say it is a coincidence.

There's not much point in asking him anything really. You know what he's doing.

Jaxtellerswife · 05/12/2018 12:34

I'm sorry op, what a bastard to put you in this position.

Adora10 · 05/12/2018 12:40

Why are you still there, you know he's been paying for sex, you already have the proof, he won't admit it OP, why would he??? He's now making out it's your fault if the relationship ends, he's playing you well and you are allowing it.

Look, two kids or not, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that spends money on prostitutes, really? The trust is fucked completely and he's a horrible bastard, there is nothing to salvage here.

7 years is nothing, you can easily start again, with a man that is not a dirty lying creep who thinks it's ok to spend family money on sex workers, bloody hell OP, wise up!

mumto2babyboys · 05/12/2018 12:51

Do relate counselling online. You can do it by yourself also

He has let you down so badly but it takes ages for your heart to catch up and it took me months to leave

Not everyone leaves

but your life as you knew it is over and he will most likely do it again like he has before and oh forgave him

He is taking you for a total mug isn't he

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2018 12:55

In view of your young family I totally get your hesitation, but the point is this: as long as he believes you'll stay there's absolutely no reason for him to alter his behaviour. IME it becomes a question of what kind of life you want - turning a blind eye and becoming traumatised (which will affect the children badly) or making a fresh start on your own terms. Sadly, there really isn't any other choice with a man like this

You didn't say whether the receipt you found related to the original incident or something new, but it hardly matters; he's chosen this appalling deceit and he's not going to stop, so the decision has to be yours

On a slight side note, did you sort out your STI chedck?

ravenmum · 05/12/2018 13:10

“if u want to finish things I completely understand”
To translate, this means "If we break up I want to be the good guy, not the bad guy. You can be the bad guy, breaking up with an innocent man for no reason, and I will be super good by acting all sensible about it. That is much better than you leaving me because I was a nasty, slimy creep using sex workers and treating you like a fool".

I found the STI check very awkward, but you have to do it, and the people who do it are hardly going to find it embarrassing or weird, they see it every single day.

Eatmycheese · 05/12/2018 13:32

@Meowzers55 it's because you have two young children that you can't let him get away with this. He will carry on and then it will just be even worse.

If you allow him to lie to you and stay with him then you need to sign your self esteem, your happiness, your peace of mind and a lot more. Because he will not stop and he will rob you of all of those things with his toxic selfishness and pathetic sexual peccadilloes.

If you dump his sorry, prostitute using arse then you will prevent that form happening and also realise in time how much nicer you life is without a scumbag like that ruining it.

But 💐 though because you are obviously so hurt and disappointed.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 05/12/2018 13:48

Ergh what a creep. Who does this? I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this bollocks OP.

Worrynot1 · 05/12/2018 14:39

banged to rights , should have been more devious.

Treesthemovie · 05/12/2018 15:27

You have all the proof you need. He won’t admit to what he’s doing, he’s been cheating for years. He will lie and hope that you’re willing to believe him against the odds to keep the relationship together.

Treesthemovie · 05/12/2018 15:32

Also it sounds like he has no respect for you, he doesn’t even try to hide his behaviour because he thinks you will believe anything he says.
Do you feel any anger? He’s exposing you to STIs and breaking trust

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/12/2018 16:02

I’m not going to go in all guns blazing saying we are over because I need the truth out of him...

You don't, OP, you really don't. He is blatantly cheating on you and putting your health at risk.

It’s very easy for people to say leave him but we have 2 very young children. I’m not saying I had forgiven him but I was trying to work out in my head a way I could move past this

But why on earth would you want to? Why are you being such a doormat, quite honestly? You should be RAGING.

Do you want your kids growing up thinking it's ok for a) Him to act like this and b) For you to accept it?

I know it's hard but you deserve better than this lowlife wanker who pays for sex.

Snorkers · 05/12/2018 16:23

But he's not a good liar is he? His tracks have not been covered.
You know what he's doing, what do you want to happen?
Sorry but it's not going away and you need to face the facts that have smacked you in the face.
Your husband uses prostitutes.
Your husband used prostitutes when you were pregnant with his child.
He's still using them now.
Your husband is a proven liar.
Have you confided in any one in real life?
So sorry for you.
I hope you can find the strength to make the right decision for you and your DC.
Flowers+Gin for you
Biscuit for your lying cheating spouse

mumto2babyboys · 05/12/2018 18:51

Look of this thread is real and you are not just drip feeding facts for attention

You are a mug he knows you are a mug because you forgave him before and he is paying for sex. What does he pay you for sex? Nothing he is just using you and your poor children to play pretend he is a family man

Stand up for yourself because no one else will

That's if this is real. Having some doubts with the drip fed info...if it is and why anyone would continue to forgive him

Normal reaction is shock and then disgust not... just oh there is lots more etc etc etc

Original poster
Meowzers55 · 05/12/2018 18:59

Why on earth would anyone make this up?? I would have to be a very sad individual to do that, which I’m not

I don’t have anyone else to talk to apart from here. I just hoped I might have got some advice to make me feel better my situation

OP posts:
sheswhat · 05/12/2018 19:04

What's your plan now OP?

K656 · 05/12/2018 19:13

In need of advice especially from people who have been in the same position...
I've had my implant for 1 year, maybe less. I take pregnancy tests every 2-3 months to keep my partner calm because he just feels more comfortable with it.. And this month it was positive! So... 2 days ago, positive Poundland test in the morning. That evening, negative Poundland test. The next morning, positive pound test from Tesco... That evening, negative from the doctor... The next morning (today) negative test that the doctor gave me, taken this morning.. And negative cheapie this afternoon. Doctor just told me if his test wasn't a yes, I'm not pregnant. I thought you couldn't get false positives? Also, less than 1% chance of pregnancy on the implant. I'm so confused and worried. My partner is freaking out and I don't think he wants this if I am pregnant but he's convinced I must not be and I, as I've also had nausea for the past few days now, think I could be?
Any advice or opinions please? Help!