Partner up to no good? Strange activity

[Meowzers55]

Yesterday my partner had to drive a 3 hour trip to get his phone fixed that wasn’t working..

Last night I checked his phone (I’m very paranoid although I know it’s wrong) and he had phoned a strange number. I googled the number and it was a really weird massage place in the city he had to go to. It looks like a massage place that offers extras put it that way. I also checked online banking and he had taken out £90

I confronted him last night and he told me he booked an appointment but never went and it was only for a massage nothing else. This is a man who has never been for a massage in his life. I asked him why he kept the “massage” a secret from me and he couldn’t answer? And he also can’t explain where the £90 now is

He’s totally lying isn’t he? By the way we have 2 DC and have been together 7.5 years

Well he's been caught fair and square. No wonder he's sad.

So he takes out £90. £10 for lunch. Parking was paid separately. He didn't cover his tracks because he didn't know you had access to account. He will in future.

He cheats, regularly. And obviously has done for a long time. He will continue doing it and he's never going to tell you the truth. Leaving him without him confirming that he's a cheat - still means he's a cheater. It's frustrating for you obviously as you want the truth op, I get that. You have to make a choice about whether you're going to put up with it and risking your health.

You will never get the truth or a straight answer from him. This is all on and about him and his innate selfishness; none of this reflects on you as a person.

If there is no trust now, there is really no relationship to speak of either.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

He has cheated on you and this is not the first time you have expressed doubts about him either.

Sorry op :( ugh it's the lying that makes it worse as you question everything.

save any evidence you have incase it does come down to divorce and you will need it all to prove his adultery, which he will probably lie about in divorce court. Even though it has no influence on the division of assets, it is still wrong and deserves to be mentioned

It's blatantly obvious he's lying.

First off, phone shops are ten a penny nowadays so to travel 3hrs drive to get to one seems highly irregular. I would assume he has deliberately selected one far from home (if indeed, he needed to visit the phone shop at all) so as to minimise the risk of anyone seeing him visit the massage place.

If this was a legit massage place/spa with nothing sexual going on, then being seen wouldn't be an issue would it?

Add to that the fact that the money is gone and you'd have to be a complete fool to believe he (a) didn't go, and (b) didn't have any 'extras'.

He will almost certainly never confess, even if you had a photograph of him nestled in the arms of a naked woman, sign dangling from his backside declaring he is guilty, he would still come up with some nonsense story to explain it away, and if there's even a hint of uncertainty on your part he'll expolit it to the max. Indeed he will probably turn it around and claim you are mad, that you should trust him more. In fact you've hurt HIS feelings.

The fact that there is more evidence suggesting more indiscretions in the past is really just the nail in the coffin. His mates sent it as a joke? HA HA, what a real rib tickler. I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt but good grief. He must think your brains packed it's bag and took a permenant vacation.

Look, if your happy to put up with deciet and betrayal, more power to you. But for your own sanity and self respect ditch him. You deserve better than this. Good luck.

You don't have to phone your doctor, google your nearest sexual health clinic. I went to my nearest one about a year and a half ago for a peace of mind check up and the nurse was really nice and it was all very discreet.

As for what your partner has been doing, he's taken you for a fool which you very clearly are not. If he admitted to it it'd still be horrible but the fact that he's feeding you a load of nonsense and weird excuses makes it so much worse.

sorry to hear he's treated you like that. Always go with your gut instinct, you suspected he was up to no good and had your suspicions confirmed unfortunately.
It's up to you now whether you feel you can work past this together (if he can be honest) or whether you want to part ways. You can't forgive someone who isn't sorry and if he can't admit what he's done wrong that's not a good foundation for re-building your trust.
Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

I'm so sorry to hear about finding out your husband has been to a massage parlour and is lying about it. There are probably other things which are starting to find into place for you from previous unexplained trips or amounts of money that went "missing'

If I was in your situation there are a few things I would do. First and foremost go to a GUM clinic and ask for a full STI check to make sure that he didn't pass anything on to you. You can explain to the nurses what you have found out, what your worries are and they will be able to help you out and talk you through the various tests.

Then I would ask him to go for the same test. Tell him that you need to be sure that he is clear and hasn't caught anything. For your safety, his safety but also your kids as some STI's like herpes and HPV can potentially be spread via shared towels. Make him show you the test. Partially so you know he has done it, but also because some of these tests aren't pleasant for guys so he realises the risks he has taken.

Second important thing is to sit down and take stock of how you feel about this. Once you have gotten over the initial shock and feeling of betrayal you have to decide if him going to a massage parlour is reason enough to get a divorce or do you think you can work through this with help and counselling. It may be hard but if you don't do this for yourself you will not be able to manage with the questions in your head and make a start with healing.

@mumto2babyboys that’s not helpful advice and not even accurate. “Divorce Court” isn’t some Judge Rinder experience where you both turn up in front of the judge to prove each other’s wrong doings.

Evidence of adultery is very hard to provide. Even if OP had evidence that he did actually go to this prostitute, being masturbated is not adultery in the divorce/legal sense - only sexual intercourse.

The OP could divorce on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour, an example of such behaviour being the use of prostitutes.

I’m with Atilla - you’re not going to get a straight answer.

I know not all men are the same, but I’ll share my experience.

I also got given the excuses - “my friend sent that email as a joke!”
(your friend who never comes round, used your laptop that never leaves the house... ah, it had virus so you dropped it off with him... but you’ve already named the friend in the first part of the excuse and he knows fuck all about computers... and, bottom line - it’s just not even funny. There’s no joke there. Anyway - so, I got the crap excuses too!)

As an aside: men who have used prostitutes always seem to have friends who send joke texts to prostitutes, don’t they? I’ve seen variations on this on here before. And yet, of all the men I’ve ever dated, the only one whose mates have found it funny to do this - was the one who was later proved to be a liar who had used prostitutes. Bottom line: men do not send messages to prostitutes from their mate’s phone as a joke. They just don’t. It’s not funny.

Back to my experience...

Like you, I needed the truth. I told him - in front of a counsellor to prove I was genuine - that I believed he was lying but with the truth (admitting he’d done it) I would not leave him. I meant this. He lied. “I never went through with it”.

Later, I promised the same thing, that I wouldn’t leave - that time I was lying trying to get the truth. Still lied.

All the while I became someone I hated, snooping, trying to find evidence. I would find stuff and be so pleased when I backed him into a corner - like you and the missing £90. But honestly, I was just trying to restore my pride “ha, you can’t fool me, I’m not that stupid - look! I got the evidence” (or I can slay your pathetic excuse - like a phone shop being 3 hours away...) I was just trying to make myself feel better. He was making a fool of me, because I was still there.

Then one day I found numbers dialled to a prostitute on an old phone.

This time he again said “I never went through with it”.

Only this time was different. TBH, other things had moved on. I was desperate for a sexual relationship again (he disgusted me and I was fearful of STIs, we hadn’t had sex in a long time). We’d recently been able to increase our savings, so there was money for one of us to move out. My newborn wasn’t newborn any more and I’d managed to get some SLEEP. A few other things. I was in a different place.

Finally, instead of searching for evidence to trip him up, needing the truth from him, it went like this:

• this phone shows me the prostitutes you called
• I never went through with it
• you did, but even if you didn’t - don’t you see that that would be enough? We are over, I am divorcing you

I was so fucking relieved!!!!
I was just set free from caring about evidence.
I knew what he had done. I didn’t have to prove it. The law is great like that!
I didn’t have to sneak around trying to see his phone, trying to guess his email password.

To this day, he has never admitted it to me. He got careless (or just didn’t care) after we split and I saw the evidence. Plus neighbour told me about his house calls when I was away

You know what he did. You don’t need to demean yourself looking for evidence. This is not a court of law where you have to believe his obvious tripe until you have evidence beyond reasonable doubt.

It look me a long time to reach this point - but I felt so free, the day I realised that I didn’t need to prove a damn fucking thing.

Good luck to you

Op, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't have to go via your GP, you can go to a drop-in clinic. They are sometimes in or linked with your local hospital.

I went to a drop in clinic. I told them I needed full testing and anonymously, because I had found out my husband had sex with prostitutes. I cried.
They passed me a tissue, said they agreed it was a good idea, and did the tests.
Sympathetic demeanour, and business like. It was fine

The same thing has happened to me in the past (10 years ago). It’s the worst feeling in the world and to this day I can’t watch anything about men using prostitution as it makes me SO UPSET. You are not alone 💐

Hope he confesses and you kick him out . Pig

Thank you for all of the replies, I have read them all

Head is still a mess. He is still continuing to deny it and he keeps saying he can’t tell me any more cause there is nothing else to tell me.

Has told me “if u want to finish things I completely understand”... if it was an innocent massage then why would he totally understand me wanting to finish it?

💐 can you go back over the accounts and see if there is more unexplained money going out?

Because then in his head it can be your fault, rather than his own.

I don't understand why you are engaging with his bullshit. He is trying to make it your fault if the relationship ends...nothing to do with his deceit of course.

He is trying to make you. Feel guilty for. It trying him.

I could not stay with a man who did this to me. What do you want to do?

Because he wants the blame to rest on you. He's gaslighting you and trying to make you feel unreasonable. When you get out of this relationship op you will look back and wonder wtf you were doing. Don't waste more time on this guy. He's not worth it.

None of his behaviour is your fault. Awful that's he trying to make you feel bad, for catching him out!