DS and DP not getting on

[Finkycat]

Hi, apologies in advance if this is long but I need to vent and get some advice!

Been with DP for nearly 3 years, we got together quite quickly after I split from DS's Dad. They used to get on quite well but my son has started to dislike and resent DP and is really acting up at home and at school. He's 9.

We have 1 DS together and I'm pregnant with no3, so the situation is really stressful.

DP has recently started to really loose his temper and shout at my DS. DS is being really difficult, naughty, disrespectful and rude to everyone including me. DP is at his wits end but I feel loses it too quickly with DS making the situation worse.

It feels like they just hate each other and I'm
stuck in the middle, I love them both and would love it if they could just get on.

Any advice from anyone in the same situation would be great!

Thank you x

Do you think your son feels pushed aside because of your partner and children (including the one in the way) with him. Like he is the odd one out?

The shouting at him is only making the situation worse, you need to tell your partner that is not acceptable.

What about a day out with your son alone. A special mum and son day. See if he will open up to you.

Any chance he could be being bullied at school? Just trying to think outside the box.

I think you should tell your DP to stop disciplining your son and leave it to you. It sounds like the boy doesn’t respect him anyway. I strongly suggest you give him special 1-2-1. He doesn’t have a resident dad while your other sons do so he needs extra resassurance — everytime you have a baby it would feel like he’s being left to his own devices.

Does your DS have a good relationship with his dad? Is anything happening there (new girlfriend, new sibling, lack of contact) which might be upsetting DS and causing him to lash out in what he considers a safe environment?

I think the problem lies with the fact you got together too quickly with your partner following your split.

Thanks for your replies!

He has a good relationship with his Dad and he hasn't met anyone else yet.

He is so much better behaved with just me although still naughty at times.

Things have moved along quicker than planned, both babies unplanned 😬

I definitely think he feels Pushed out at times, but we try to do stuff together.

DP is super strict and they just wind each other up. DP has tried to do stuff with DS but quite often ends up with DS showing off and being naughty so he gives up.

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him so just plays up instead.

If I'm honest if we didn't have the babies together I don't think I could put up with the relationship between them, it's so stressful.

DP won't accept any responsibility for the problems and blames it all on DS.

We get on really well apart from all arguments about DS...

I'm at such a loss with what to do!

Leave the bastard. He’s fucking emotionally abusing your son. Don’t put up with it.

Rejects his hugs , who is the adult here? Thats horrible and just making everything worse. He's only 9 and has had a lot of change recently.

Your ds has to be your priority as you are storing up potentially serious issues as you head into the teen years.

It has all happened so quickly and I think your ds is now just reacting to it all.

His world has been turned upside and lost his orginal family, had a new man move in and new babies arrived. He must have felt pushed aside and one reason for not starting new relationships quickly is the children can be left out.
You must have been preoccupied with your boyfriend and then the pregnancies.

I think you need to make sure your ds feels secure by focussing on him which will require your time. Your partner can't be disciplining if there is no trust between them.
Can you get him support of a therapist at school?

Hopefully if you spend time with your ds and ensure your partner does not get angry with him then he will start to feel secure and happy.
I hope your partner has empathy and compassion for a little boy who has had so much to deal with.

He rejects your son and makes it known he doesn't like him? Poor boy! Sorry I don't think rectifying the shouting will solve this. There can be no positive relationship if your DP just blatantly favours the other children and treats DS coldly. He is being a cruel twat.

OMG! I can't believe that your dp rejects your ds's hugs and attempts to be nice. This is seriously fucked up.

Your son is powerless in this situation, your DP is not. Stop having kids with him for crying out loud.

‘DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him so just plays up instead.’

This is horrible to read. You are damaging your child by allowing this situation to continue.

You've had two unplanned babies with a man who rejects and emotionally abuses your DS. Might I suggest a long hard look at your priorities?

I could say more but as we're approaching the season of goodwill, I'll leave it there...

What the others have written.

You are at huge risk here of your son becoming estranged from you when he is an adult if you do not act now re your partner. Your partner will in all likelihood favour his biological children at your son,s overall expense. He makes it clear to this boy that he does not like him now and I presume that is because he is another mans child. He is a crap example of a stepfather to this boy. It could also be argued that you went from one relationship into this one far too quickly.

Your son is acting out his hurt by behaving poorly towards you both. He's a child. He doesn't have the maturity, the understanding or the tools to sort out his feelings; to sort out his place in this new family he finds himself in.
Your partner isn't very grown up is he? If he was, he'd not reject the child but make a concerted effort to create a loving, calm, nurturing environment.
I'm sorry to say this, but I can't envisage things improving.
Men like your partner subconsciously resent another man's child and don't have the humanity, the ability or the grace to treat a child who is biologically not theirs as if he were theirs.
Seen it too many times over the years.
Your child is in danger of becoming alienated, desperately unhappy and hugely resentful unless you address matters urgently.
In just a few years time he will be at the raging hormones stage of a teenager and if you don't sort it out now you're storing up a pretty negative future for all of you but mostly, for your son.
In ten years time you want him to be a happy, fully functioning, well adjusted adult who can confidently find his place in the world.
He won't be OP if things remain as they currently are.

You have to do something, and quickly. I was in this exact situation except that all the kids were my. My ex DP was horrible to my eldest son, again my son ( he was a teenager at the time) was very difficult, theft, lies drugs, he was expelled from school etc. I didn’t get rid of the partner quick enough and although my relationship with DS1 has recovered DS2 (who got on ok with my exP) is really struggling to forgive me for allowing this to go on for as long as I did. Don’t prioritise any man over your kids ...

either leave your DP or let you eldest live with his Dad

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him

Your poor son. Tell that awful man to leave. How you can live with someone who actively dislikes your child?

Start putting your son first, poor kid has been through enough turmoil and disruption in 3 years and is now being emotionally abused. If you aren't capable of that maybe let him live with his Dad instead.

Jesus the poor child, to be openly rejected like that would be painful for an adult. Can you imagine what that does to a child.

I can see why people are saying let him live with his dad, but that's surely going to be seen as another rejection at some point.

What a mess. I really hope you make the right choice here.

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS

This. This is the problem. This makes me so desperately sad for your son. No bloody wonder he's acting up. I'm not even going to touch the two unplanned babies with this man in under three years thing.

Put. Your. Son. First.

Thing is not to move DP in quickly. Keep him on periphery for a couple of years so they get used to eachother as just friends.Your child comes first.

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him so just plays up instead.

My god, your poor ds.

He's 9, only 9, poor thing. And a new stepdad and 2 new siblings is a bloody lot for a young boy to experience in 3 years!

It's clearly had an effect on him. You moved too quickly, and with a nasty twat to boot, but you know that.

Put your ds first. FFS.

Who is the adult here? Who do you think should be trying to keep calm?

Super strict my arse, he sounds downright nasty.
It will only get worse as your son gets older.