DS and DP not getting on

[Finkycat]

Hi, apologies in advance if this is long but I need to vent and get some advice!

Been with DP for nearly 3 years, we got together quite quickly after I split from DS's Dad. They used to get on quite well but my son has started to dislike and resent DP and is really acting up at home and at school. He's 9.

We have 1 DS together and I'm pregnant with no3, so the situation is really stressful.

DP has recently started to really loose his temper and shout at my DS. DS is being really difficult, naughty, disrespectful and rude to everyone including me. DP is at his wits end but I feel loses it too quickly with DS making the situation worse.

It feels like they just hate each other and I'm
stuck in the middle, I love them both and would love it if they could just get on.

Any advice from anyone in the same situation would be great!

Thank you x

Your poor son.

Didn't you form a bond with him when he was a baby? Didn't you make promises that you'd always be there for him, always protect him and always be his champion? What happened that you are putting some bloke before your own child?

Your partner sounds horrible and I think you are outrageous to inflict him upon your poor son.

The title of this thread is really bugging me. Sounds like a minor tiff between an adult ds and his mum's new bf!

DP won't accept any responsibility for the problems and blames it all on DS.

How shocking that a grown man can hold a 9-year-old responsible for his own cold behaviour.

He's not very self aware is he?

Why did you get together with somebody so quickly and have children? Of course it's going to affect your DS. It really makes me mad when people do this, so selfish and no thought for the children whatsoever.

You need to really take a look at your relationship and tell your DP to start acting like an adult or you are going to end up with a seriously messed up DS. Rejecting hugs and affection from a child is downright spiteful.

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs

Can I ask why have you allowed this to happen? DS is a child, he shouldnt be subjected to this and DP is bang right out of order. This is bordering on abuse

Although hard to hear I agree with most of these comments, I really feel so sorry for DS. I know that he is difficult but I hate the way DP is with him.

I have to say it isn't constantly like this, it certainly didn't start this way or we wouldn't be together now.

I know I could cope on my own if I had to it would be really tough with all 3 Including a newborn soon, but my kids come first.

It's only this weekend DP's at the end of his tether about lots of little things and shouted at DS. He knows I find that behaviour completely unacceptable.

They obviously don't like each other, and just tolerate each other for me.

Is there anyway I can try and get them to get along so we can find a way to keep the family together.

Ps. He doesn't always reject him just when he's been naughty although this breaks my heart still.

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him
DP won't accept any responsibility for the problems and blames it all on DS.
Which one's the 9yo in this?!
Well gee I wonder what the problem could be? Either DP needs to radically improve his behaviour and his treatment of DS or he needs to move out. It's that simple. You need to be putting DS first. Not only is he pushed out by a new sibling and another one on the way but your DP is behaving abominably. I rarely recommend a LTB, particularly when there are children involved, but he's actively destroying your son emotionally.

Is there anyway I can try and get them to get along so we can find a way to keep the family together.
Get DP to counselling. Either that or he needs a personality change. DS is NOT the problem here. Sort out DP and I'd bet DS's issues will clear.

Talking about them 'getting along' makes it sound like a relationship between equals, not an adult and child. Your son doesn't have responsibility for the fact that an adult whom he lives with dislikes him. That's on your partner, and on you for allowing it. Ever thought that maybe the reason your son is difficult is because of all the upheaval he's been subjected to? Again that's on the selfish adults. At least his Dad hasn't rushed into another relationship and more kids so he has some stability there.

In what context is he rejecting him after misbehaving? Because if it's after he has apologised if anything (IMO) that makes it even worse. It takes a lot for a DC at that age to apologise and to offer or want a hug

It has got progressively worse and not something that has happened overnight.

Yes we rushed things etc but not much I can do about this now. It was all going so well and then DS was so excited about having a sibling.

DP has a lot of work pressures which have been making him stressed which I'm Sure is making things worse, and the pressure of another baby.

I completely agree that he is only 9 and DP needs to seriously address these issues and stop blaming DS.

He has attempted lots of times to bond with DS but DS just compares him to his dad and pushes him away.

I think they both feel rejected and hurt by the other but DP is the adult and needs to get over this.

His dad is a useless idiot who doesn't pay maintenance and is a spiteful nasty arsehole who stirs the situation up which really doesn't help things.

I have to add that he is a great dad to our DS really helpful and loving, I just wish he had this bond with my DS.

I do not think you understand or want to take responsibility for the fact that your actions are at the root of all of this. Your priority when your last relationship ended should have been providing your son with a secure home, instead you put your needs first and looked for a man to begin a relationship with.

You can’t let this carry on.
Seen as your child is 9 and very unlikely to be able to understand his feelings and how to ‘stop winding DP up’ aka being a 9yo child, your only option is to deal with your DP, who is the adult.

You can’t let this get worse. Your DS is only 9 and this could really affect his life badly. He deserves to be loved and treated the same as his half siblings, and that will not be what he is seeing right now.

You have to tell DP that things change or he is gone. You need to make him understand you will choose your children over him every time. All of you really ought to consider some family counselling. I did this with my DD and some of it was very helpful in learning how to communicate. But DP has to want to do this. He doesn’t sound like a nice man to be honest and DS is very unhappy

Again not overly helpful and stating the obvious, I agree things moved too quickly but I cannot change that.

It's got worse in the last few months and I'm trying to find ways to resolving this without LTB and breaking up our family for other DS's and unborn sake. I want to try and fix it.

I will not carry on with the ways things are going and it has come to head this weekend where I am at my wits end and won't put up with anymore.

Your mistake is trying to solve this by some magical intervention. If you have talked to DP and he doesn’t want to change and you won’t leave him, your only other options is to get rid of your DS or continue to subject him to this emotional abuse. Those are the options in your hand - not to become a mediator in a war zone with a 9yo and a cruel grown man

He doesn't like your son. There's another baby coming, more stress, less sleep. The teenage years for your eldest. I doubt it's going to get better.

Your tiny second DS will adapt far better to living apart from his dad than your eldest will ever come to terms with how he is being treated.

I had similar situation. I moved exdp in far too quickly. My eldest and him didn't get on, don't get me wrong my eldest was a nightmare at times but dp certainly didn't help and was vile at times.
It ended with eldest moving to his dads and we had very little in the way of relationship.
It started happening with the middle one and I realised what was going on. Despite lots of conversations nothing got better.
I ended it and only now starting to get my relationship back on track with eldest.

He should not be treating your son like this. You have to choose. Your son or your dp.

The problem is your 9year old isn't his child. That's the bottom line and he cant be arsed with him.
I think I'd move out DP and just let him see his own kids.

"I'm trying to find ways to resolving this without LTB and breaking up our family for other DS's and unborn sake. I want to try and fix it"

Do not waste your time trying to fix this. It is beyond repair and your partner also has to want to take responsibility for his actions and put the work into minimising the harm he has already caused. He won't likely do that and you cannot fix this on your own.

Your family unit is already fractured beyond repair because of this man's behaviour towards your eldest son. He is a nasty shit who in all likelihood as well treats his biological child differently.

And what TwistedStitch wrote earlier. Harsh but appropriate here. You as adults put your own wishes and desires first and forgot about these children in all this.

You were obviously fine with breaking up DS1's family so why not DS2's and the baby-on-the-way?
You've called your ex "a useless idiot who doesn't pay maintenance and is a spiteful nasty arsehole who stirs the situation up" but it seems to me that's a fairly accurate description for your new partner too!

Perhaps you should move out with the kids and if you want to keep seeing him, see him as a boyfriend (ie not living together) and I'd also recommend some counselling or the Freedom programme as it seems you've picked 2 emotionally abusive men in a row.

Why do you think your eldest is less deserving of a happy home life than you, your youngest and unborn child?

You are responsible for bringing three people into this world and I'm honestly sick to death of the crap excuses adults find to justify children being emotionally abused in their own home.

He has one childhood and you are ruining it for him. Get rid of the asshole, your son shouldn't have to live another day like this while you fuck about trying to find a magic solution.

DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him so just plays up instead.

Your DP is an aresehole.

He is a grown up who decided to get together with you, a woman with a young child. He has an obligation to act like a grown up and try to make that work. And he certainly shouldn't have helped you bring more children into the world with you if he can't treat your preexisting child with respect and hopefully love.

I'd dump anyone who treated my child that way. You may have to go down this road if he doesn't start 'adulting' very, very quickly. You are letting him damage your child by sitting by while this is going on.

And make your ex as well pay maintenance for his child.

I would also suggest that at some point in the future you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme which is run by Womens Aid. Your boundaries seem well off and that is why such a man and your ex also came into your life.

He is also not a great dad to his biological child if he treats his half brother with such outright contempt.

I think the writing’s on the wall. He believes he has you trapped with a second pregnancy and is now showing his true colours with your son. I suspect if you let this continue this boy will be driven out of your home. Take action now.