DS and DP not getting on

[Finkycat]

Hi, apologies in advance if this is long but I need to vent and get some advice!

Been with DP for nearly 3 years, we got together quite quickly after I split from DS's Dad. They used to get on quite well but my son has started to dislike and resent DP and is really acting up at home and at school. He's 9.

We have 1 DS together and I'm pregnant with no3, so the situation is really stressful.

DP has recently started to really loose his temper and shout at my DS. DS is being really difficult, naughty, disrespectful and rude to everyone including me. DP is at his wits end but I feel loses it too quickly with DS making the situation worse.

It feels like they just hate each other and I'm
stuck in the middle, I love them both and would love it if they could just get on.

Any advice from anyone in the same situation would be great!

Thank you x

If your DP is a good father to his DS and your unborn then they will cope fine regardless if you're not together. My ex is a great dad and has a great relationship with DS. I don't get this obsession with "keeping the family together" at a serious cost to everyone's mental health. Some things are more important.

And please do not get into another relationship so soon. Learn to be alone.

So you’ve moved in and had children with a man who is abusive to your son. This is not only on your arse of a ‘d’p but it is on you for letting this continue. By doing so you are colluding in your son’s misery. How about putting him first for once, rather than your own wishes? If you carry on like this then kiss your relationship with him goodbye. My mother did similar and I’ve washed my hands of her in adulthood, it absolutely made her a terrible mother.

Please put your DS first and show him that no one has the right to use them as stress relief for their 'work stress'.

Funny how your DP doesn't take his stress out on his own DC or anyone who could stand up to him.

My mother had a DP when I was 5. Initially he was very nice towards me but he quickly became deeply unpleasant towards me. My mother spent 2 years trying to change him, but eventually left him. However, it was not before he had given me emotional scars that have lasted to this day (I am in my 50s). I feel for you, OP, but please don't think you can change your DP and son's relationship. You sound like you will be much better off without this DP, there will be someone else much better suited to you and your life a little down the road, if that is what you want. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Your poor son, he obviously knows his place in the household. He can't escape or change anything and the person who should be protecting him isn't.

How can everything have been fine in the beginning, you barely knew him and decided it was a good idea to jump straight in and have two children with him knowing he didn't like your child.

Even now its about saving your relationship rather than prioritising a child who is clearly unhappy.

Just to make it clear my DS is not going anywhere, my kids will always come first. Which is why I asked for advice.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Are you going to make it very clear to him that if he doesn’t change his behaviour towards your DS that you will leave?

Your DS deserves a happy childhood and not to have to live with someone that dislikes him.

Then get your affairs in order to prepare to leave

Would your DP see a psychologist? My DP is. We have 3 teenage girls and he's finding it v challenging.

Then put your son first, because you sure as hell haven’t been doing so.

Your DP is emotionally abusing your DS at the same time as treating his own DS fine.
There is not a solution where this all works out fine except you separate from your DP.

For what it is worth, there is nothing D about a P who treats a child the way your partner treats your son. Your partner is devaluing your son and for as long as you stay with him, he is gaining control because you let him do it.

Really, truly the only answer is to tell your partner to go and put your love into bringing up your children.

He went out to cool down, I haven't spoken to him since. When he comes back it will be made clear that things change or he's out. He either accepts this or we aren't ever going to work.

I had hoped that maybe some counselling would help us as a family to move forward... but that's only if he's willing to accept responsibility for his behaviour towards my son is completely unacceptable.

It's my biggest fear that all of this will damage my son, he's been through so much and I love him
To the ends of the earth and feel shit that things have turned out like this.

Perhaps family therapy would help.

It's all very sad for your DS... Rejecting a hug from a child is absolutely awful.

You need to tell him if things don't change in his treatment....that you'll need to consider the future of this relationship...as you need to protect DS.

Having said that...how is he with his own DC? Is he impatient...is he a good dad? Is that his character or is it just with your DS?

My feelings would be your DPs

God, he sounds like an arse. Bullying a 9 year old. What a prize amongst men. Not.

And re your ex and maintenance. Please talk to the CMS. They are so much better than they used to be and have many more powers to get money out of reluctant absent parents. They take annual earnings from the HMRC system if they are on PAYE. Failure to pay can now affect their credit rating or result in their passport being voided. And they can set up deductions from salary whether they like it or not.

He's a great dad to the child you have together and makes it clear he doesn't like your DS. How damaging do you think that is, to be the second class child? To have it accepted by everyone. It's so hard as a mother to read that. It doesn't matter what your DP likes. He's an adult and your son was there already. If he doesn't like the package he knows where the door is. If he'd rather stay better be nice to everyone and make things work. A teenager could be "hard work", a 9 year old under the circumstances you described is the victim here.

Your relationship isn’t doing your child any good. You put yourself first when you rushed into it and within three years there’s a new partner a new sibling and another one on the way. After the first unplanned baby why weren’t you be extra careful? I know these things happen but not that often, not if you are being careful. It’s time to truly think about your son and actually put him first for a change. If you live together I would move into separate homes so your son has space away from your partner.
I couldn’t forgive the way your partner is with your son. You get one child hood and the memories he will take with him is having this mess and an emotionally abusive man who was partner to his mum. How awful. I hope you mean what your saying and that you will act.

You know your son can't enter into any kind of counselling with the thing that is emotionally abusing him and is in a position of power over him don't you?

Your partner may struggle with dc as they become assertive and become their own person.

Don't assume it's just your ds...he might be like this once the other children get older.

Your partner needs to accept that he is NOT a good stepdad and he will have to work at it.
Getting so angry at a 9 year old that he has to leave to cool down suggests he will cope with the teen years really badly.

Boys who are rejected at home tend to be very rebellious in the teen years which csn have lifetime consequences.

Your ds needs to feel accepted so that he builds self esteem and his behaviour is a reaction.

Why don't you do a parenting course so that you are strong in your parenting. Tell your partner to back off and only say positive things to your son. He has lost the right to discipline

The issue is it sounds as though the problem is too deep rooted to be solvable. So anything you do (counselling or telling him it's not on etc.) will at best improve things temporarily but I expect that eventually it will all get worse again. Sorry 😞 I wish it was easier for you - you say yourself it was too fast and of course all of us make mistakes, but once we see the mistake we have to clean up the mess we've made as best as we can...in this case, I'd say that means LTB I'm afraid.

Your partner has no attachment with your son and he can't grow one. He doesn't want to. He will just get more and more intolerant of him until your son is a teenager and spends all his time out of the house to avoid him, gets into fights with him or worse. Not to mention the mental health issues and low self esteem that comes from living with an adult who dislikes him.

Yes I know you can't change the past but leaving one partner, meeting another and having 2 more children within 3 years is nuts and your poor boy's head must be spinning. So he was excited to have siblings - so what! He was 7! 7 year olds don't know the consequences of adult decisions.

bandana that's a horrible world of shit you have been through. I hope you have found some peace.

It is clear what the problem is. You know what the problem is. The question is what are you going to do about it? Your son is 9. When he is a few years older there could be worse problems. It needs nipping in the bud. You need to speak to your partner about this. If any partner of mine did not treat my child well they would be gone with my boot up their rear!

Bandana I'm so sorry to hear of your experience, that's awful and so sad to read.

My DP has never been violent in any way, it's only yesterday he has ever shouted at him like that.

He has been told under no circumstances that he is ever to behave like that around my children and his attitude towards my poor DS changes dramatically and instantly or he's out with my foot firmly up his arse.

I agree with Cherries above - you are into your second pregnancy and you are seeing the real him.

Everyone gets stressed and some people shout. It is not a great parenting response but parents are human. But what you are describing is a campaign of emotional abuse against a nine year old who cannot get away from it. People do two things when they are being abused - they withdraw or fight back. Your DS is fighting back. What are you doing?

Being one of those parents who very occasionally loses it and shouts, I stop when I realise I am not in control of myself and DC are upset. I make sure and tell them it is not their fault I am stressed and I am sorry for shouting. Then I try and change what is stressing me out. I grew up with a very volatile/abusive mother and learning how to handle emotions was not on her agenda. I don’t get to storm off and cool down, I need to deal with the children in front of me, hug them and make sure we are okay.

Bad parenting creates ripples down the generations. But your DP is not a bad parent to his own child, he is singling out DS. Where is your anger at this? It is such a privilege you gave him, to come into your son’s life and create a family. He is not acting like he deserves it.