Why won't he propose?!

[Alicerose93xx]

Okay so me and my partner have been together for nearly 3 years we have a pretty steady relationship, a few ups and downs but nothing major. We have two children together but the eldest is from a previous relationship of mine. They both love each other dearly and treat eachother like father and son as his other dad only picks and chooses when he sees him. Anyway so we have two beautiful children an amazing house and he has a great job which he loves (I'm on maternity leave). So what next?! Surely a proposal? We have talked about it before but nothing every serious just light hearted chats but it never comes of anything I keep thinking surely now we are so settled and happy this would be a perfect time but it just never happens. He keeps asking what I want for Christmas but he knows I want to get engaged and I'd love it to be over Christmas but he just seems to have forgotten that. Anyway I'm rambling.. not really sure what the point of this post was I just wanted to rant!!

If it bothers you that much, why don't you propose to him?
Some men (and women) just don't see marriage as that important when you already have a bigger commitment (kids) together.

If he won't propose, you'll have to, won't you? At least it'll open up a discussion and you'll know where you stand.

Why do you want to get married and is it a deal breaker for you? Have a good think about what you want and what you will settle for before opening up the discussion and/or proposing yourself.

If he has agreed in principle that he wants to get married, ask him if he would like to start planning it with you. Skip the proposal bit. Quickest solution. It will take the pressure off the whole proposal thing for him.

You propose.

HTH.

Tell him you want to be married. It's better financial security for you and your kids and old fashioned as this may be, it does show commitment from you both.
If he prevaricates, you have your answer.

You propose.

HTH.

Or, no one proposes. You must have had proper, sensible discussions about moving in together, planning to have a baby and to buy/rent your house, why are you leaving whether or not you get married up to him? It's a joint venture, same as the other things you've done. It's not something he gives you when you're good enough to deserve it. It provides you and both your children with financial and legal security, something you need now you're on maternity and not earning.

Ask him to marry you.
If he says no, ask him why he doesn’t want to marry you.

We have two children together but the eldest is from a previous relationship of mine.

So you only have 1 child together.

Why so snarky Crafty? OP has explained her family situation, how close her DS and his step dad are is nothing to do with this issue

I know how you feel OP, you just want to know that he’s on the same page, but not everyone sees the value in marriage.

My DP isn’t fussed either way, he doesn’t see it as something important, but he’s also happy to get into sharing property etc so it’s not a lack of commitment. He had his DCs with his ex without being married, so it just isn’t something that he feels the need to do.

For me, it is important, it’s a public statement about your commitment that makes others treat you differently. At the moment I am very much “just his GF” (and as Crafty has shown above, some people on here and in real life are quick to dismiss you whenever you don’t have the official title of wife, son, partner etc - how many times have we read “so he’s not your partner, he’s just a boyfriend” or “you’re not their step mum, just their dad’s girlfriend”).

I waited for ages thinking he would ask while we were away for the weekend or on an anniversary etc (again, we’re not allowed an actual anniversary according to MN because we’re not married, so the date we met and celebrate is irrelevant!)

We have discussed marriage and he’s agreed that he’d like to do it in future as he knows it’s important to me, but we never got any further really.

In the end we were talking about money one day and I said “shall we put aside a bit for a wedding too?” He said “sure” and then made a joke that I’d just proposed to him and he’d tell everyone that I’d got down on one knee etc

We since split up and got back together so I don’t know if it still stands! I guess now I will have to broach it again, but I’m not going to torture myself by waiting for a big romantic gesture which may never come.

I’m not at all traditional and find the patriarchal traditions surrounding marriage a bit jarring, but I do want to know that he’s as into the idea as I am before we actually do it. I think the wedding itself is the big romantic gesture. Deciding to do it should be a mutual discussion about when, why and how you want to do it.

Sorry to be blunt but I think the most likely reason is finances.
Who owns the house?

Not being married is a benefit to dads as they are under less obligation to pay anything other than CMS, which would only apply to 1 child so approx 10%. If he married he may have to pay more, especially if you have a young child.

Op haven't you posted this in Aibu?

Is it a marriage or a wedding that you want? If you just want to be married tell him that you want to book the registry office in the new year and what dates should you consider? You don’t need a grand proposal.

Thankyou for all the helpful comments
I would propose myself but I'm too nervous to. I'll feel stupid if he says no or laughs at me.

Thanks for the unnecessary comment craft there's always one isn't there lol!!

I just like the idea of both weddings and marriage.. being joined together as one, having same last name ect. Just think it will complete us. And as you say ragingwhorebag I'm tired of being just someone's GF

If it was that important to you then you’d get over being nervous and feeling silly and just do it.

Honestly OP, every single thread like this on MN results in a chorus of:

1. you’re already engaged if you’ve both agreed you want to marry so just set a date
2. propose to him

My advice is tell him outright you want to get engaged for xmas and see what he says. Surely before moving in and having a child together you discussed when and if you both wanted to marry??

Sorry I didn't realise a person wasn't allowed to feel nervous about something.
Yes we have discussed it before but it's always been 'soon' for proposal and 'one day' for marriage. I did say recently I'd love to be proposed to at Christmas but he's so blonde and dopey he's probably forgotten just keep asking me if I want perfume or clothes ect lol

You live together, you've had a child by him and you are nervous about proposing to him?. Do you think there is a chance he would say no?.

Whose surname does your child by him have; his or yours?.

On a much wider level your legal position here with him is precarious to say the very least. In law you are regarded as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and will be treated as such. You would be in huge emotional - and financial if he was to die suddenly and you'd be left with a right royal mess. Does he not realise the importance of marriage here?.

but he's so blonde and dopey huh?

It sounds like he is stringing you along really with all this "one day" and "soon" malarkey from him.

Would you still want to marry him anyway knowing now what you do?.

He knows your desire to get married, he may well not want to marry or if he does, not want to ultimately marry you. Do not excuse him as being both blonde and dopey here; he is far more savvy here than you give him credit for. He holds all the cards here in your relationship, you are left with very little.

I'm not sure what he'd say tbh probably get up off the floor you idiot.
He has my partners surname.
I don't think he really sees it like that but j agree with you.

And what I meant by blonde and dopey is a bit forgetful and doesn't have much common sense.

Ah, so you gave him your boyfriend’s surname - because you were sure enough that you’d have the same one soon?

Then you’re sure enough to propose. It’s fine to feel nervous - but you can still do it. It was a much bigger decision to let him be part of your first child’s life, then decide to have a child with him.

You’ll find that those of us with blonde hair get really fucking fed up with the blonde = dim jokes, btw.

Haha I'm blonde myself. Maybe you should just lighten up LOL

Yes I thought so re your son having his surname; you've basically handed over yet more power and control to him by doing that. What surname does your eldest child have, yours?. What about the property; are you named on a mortgage or title deeds?. Being on maternity leave also leaves you wide open to being further dependent on him.

I think he has far more sense than you have unfortunately given him credit for; he is really holding all the cards here in this relationship and it could well be that he will string you along indefinitely. I would seriously bring this to a head now and ask him outright when the wedding at the local registry office will take place. Any prevarication on his part will tell you what you need to know.