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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why won't he propose?!

97 replies

Alicerose93xx · 23/11/2018 13:19

Okay so me and my partner have been together for nearly 3 years we have a pretty steady relationship, a few ups and downs but nothing major. We have two children together but the eldest is from a previous relationship of mine. They both love each other dearly and treat eachother like father and son as his other dad only picks and chooses when he sees him. Anyway so we have two beautiful children an amazing house and he has a great job which he loves (I'm on maternity leave). So what next?! Surely a proposal? We have talked about it before but nothing every serious just light hearted chats but it never comes of anything I keep thinking surely now we are so settled and happy this would be a perfect time but it just never happens. He keeps asking what I want for Christmas but he knows I want to get engaged and I'd love it to be over Christmas but he just seems to have forgotten that. Anyway I'm rambling.. not really sure what the point of this post was I just wanted to rant!!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 23/11/2018 19:07

Hope you have good financial assets and a FT job.

Previous posters talking about themselves or friends not wishing to marry because of the legal/financial implications: the most likely explanation - unless your DP has fewer assets and is the lower earner - is that your DP has similar attitudes. But is being less honest.

ElideLochan · 23/11/2018 19:41

Have you got enough savings to spend on a engagement ring... Then a wedding. Think £20 grand is average nowadays

A wedding doesn't have.to cost 20k

chronicplainjane · 23/11/2018 19:43

He doesn’t want to marry you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Prettyvase · 23/11/2018 22:01

You haven't answered the questions op!

Do you own your own home?

Are you the higher earner?

If you answer yes to the above you are best off NOT marrying.

If you have a low or no income, are in rented, and have no assets of your own you are better off married, as are your DC.

In fact, why would you put them in such a precarious situation op? They are 100% dependent on you for their emotional, physical and financial security and so you really don't want to be gambling with their lives!

Pearl87 · 23/11/2018 22:04

How do you know I've given him everything he wants?

OP - you've borne his child, you've agreed to give the child his surname, you're his live-in lover, you're on maternity leave caring for the child, and you're probably doing his housework. You've given him everything that wives traditionally give without waiting for him to give you the financial protection of marriage. He holds all the cards now. Of course he didn't forget that you asked for a proposal! He's stringing you along.

LizzieSiddal · 23/11/2018 22:09

Call me old fashioned but I’ve always told my Dds never to have a child with anyone, unless they will either get married to you or go to a solicitor and “put things in order”. Also to never give the child the father’s surname unless you are married to him.

If they won’t marry you/sort things with a solicitor, then why give your child their surname?

Sethis · 23/11/2018 22:11

I proposed to my then-GF after 7 years.

My best friend from Uni has been with his GF for 8, and only proposed a few months back.

Granted, we didn't have kids, but 3 years isn't exactly hugely, massively overdue by many people's standards.

Certainly a lot of men can feel nervous when under pressure about marriage, mainly because when it comes to divorce we often get completely shafted by the courts financially and in terms of custody. Why would he choose to do that if he didn't want to?

Find a sensitive way to approach discussing it with him seriously. Maybe out on a date in a restaurant or something - no kids present. Say that you've been giving it a lot of thought recently and you think you're both at the right place where marriage makes sense and you'd like to get it done. See what he says.

SandyY2K · 23/11/2018 22:17

Sometimes men day they want marriage so you go ahead and have a baby.

You've made yourself clear. He's not stupid and he knows you want marriage...not bloody perfume instead of a proposal.

Some men struggle to say they don't want marriage...but will happily string you along until you push it..then you get the truth.

"It's just a piece of paper "
"I don't believe in marriage"
"I'm happy as we are"

If you aren't going to leave if he doesn't propose...then I wonder why bother bringing it up.

When I was keen on marriage and my then BF was not quite there...I was going to end it...but I didn't have a child with him.

You have a kid...and walking away isn't so easy.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 23/11/2018 22:27

As is so often the case in these threads, you need better communication. A proper, serious chat where you make clear that you want to get married and find out what he thinks. Nothing light hearted that can be laughed or fobbed off later. Find out what he actually wants and thinks. If he says he wants to get married then start making plans. For a wedding, not a proposal. You don't want to be one of the ones where the engagement is just to placate.

And then if it becomes clear that he doesn't want marriage, you'll know. Saves getting string along.

SandyY2K · 23/11/2018 22:33

@LizzieSiddal

Call me old fashioned but I’ve always told my Dds never to have a child with anyone, unless they will either get married to you or go to a solicitor and “put things in order”. Also to never give the child the father’s surname unless you are married to him

I totally agree with you.

Joysmum · 23/11/2018 23:25

Call me old fashioned but I’ve always told my Dds never to have a child with anyone, unless they will either get married to you or go to a solicitor and “put things in order”. Also to never give the child the father’s surname unless you are married to him

And I’d never tell my daughter to do anything. There are advantages to marriage and not being married depending on your circumstances.

So, if the time arises I’ll do my daughter the courtesy of talking through the pros and cons and trusting in her to come to a decision that suits her, even if it doesn’t match my ideals.

LizzieSiddal · 23/11/2018 23:49

Joysmum Well, I’m under no illusion that they will do as I say.

I can’t be the only parent that gives advice to their children.Hmm

Joysmum · 24/11/2018 00:07

There’s a big difference between telling your daughter not to do something and talking through options and consequences.

As much as I’m in favour of marriage, my friends who never married were able to extricate themselves more easily it it was beneficial to them not to have married.

There are pros and cons despite whatever conclusion I’ve reached so if I told my DD not to do something and she did it anyway, she’d know I disapproved and would feel less able to come to me if there were problems because she’d been proved wrong and I was right (in her mind). I’d rather avoid that and simply debate something rather than giving one sided advice.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 24/11/2018 00:09

Call me old fashioned but I’ve always told my Dds never to have a child with anyone, unless they will either get married to you or go to a solicitor and “put things in order”. Also to never give the child the father’s surname unless you are married to him My parents taught me to ensure I earn my own money and brought me up to be independent. It wouldn't be in my interest to marry my partner as I'm the higher earner.

everydaymum · 24/11/2018 00:10

Don't ask strangers online, ask him!

LizzieSiddal · 24/11/2018 00:18

Water, great, but as 99% of the time it’s women who’s career takes a back seat, especially if they have more than one child, it’s sensible to to either be married or to sort out wills etc with a solicitor.

chronicplainjane · 24/11/2018 00:27

@everydaymum preach!

DragonFire99 · 24/11/2018 00:33

Jeez. You haven’t even been together 3 years and already you’ve got him to be dad to an ex’s dc, then you’ve ttc and had your own dc.

Blimey. A lot has gone on. Maybe instead of getting pg, you should have got married?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2018 00:44

If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked a LONG time ago. You had better start looking after your own best interests, especially if he is the homeowner, which it appears he is.

Prettyvase · 24/11/2018 03:47

What you have agreed to do is to provide your partner free childcare, free housekeeper services, free sex and so why would he want to change the status quo when he gets all that for free?

The power balance is in his favour only and he knows it.

He's going to continue to play ignorant, fob you off and pretend or promise because he's clever and he knows exactly what he's doing.

No man would ever willingly make themselves so dependent on a person and vulnerable without a rock hard financial and legal safeguard in place., If not for themselves then for their DC.

If he was to end it tomorrow where would you all go and what savings do you have, how long would your savings last and what means do you have to support yourself and 2dc?

CJsGoldfish · 24/11/2018 04:10

I find all this 'proposal' crap pretty immature tbh. You have a child together. If you want to be married, just get married. Either he wants to or he doesn't. Ask him.

Original poster
Alicerose93xx · 24/11/2018 07:45

Free sex?! What do you mean free sex? Sex is always free whether you are married or not. What a ridiculous thing to say!! We share the house work at home he's great at doing stuff round the house and cooks whenever I ask him to I just usually do it as he work until 6pm. And as for earnings we are about equal usually but at the moment I earn less due to maternity leave but as you mums know that does not last forever. I really cant believe some of these responses you all sound like such a barrel of fun. Why is marriage suddenly all about legal and financial stuff. Maybe we want to get married because we love eachother?! He loves me so much and proves that everyday just because I haven't had a proposal yet doesn't mean he's stringing me along. I totally regret ever posting this as 90% of you are fucking ridiculous and sound like complete bores!!

OP posts:
Bitrustyandbusty · 24/11/2018 07:49

Oh dearie me...

Good luck with everything.

Archerygirl · 24/11/2018 08:12

If he loves you so much then ask him. Surely he will say yes in a heartbeat? He must be desperate to marry you as you live together and have sex and children. Desperate.

ElideLochan · 24/11/2018 08:15

Why is marriage suddenly all about legal and financial stuff

Because that is what marriage is fundamentally amount!