Why won't he propose?!

[Alicerose93xx]

Okay so me and my partner have been together for nearly 3 years we have a pretty steady relationship, a few ups and downs but nothing major. We have two children together but the eldest is from a previous relationship of mine. They both love each other dearly and treat eachother like father and son as his other dad only picks and chooses when he sees him. Anyway so we have two beautiful children an amazing house and he has a great job which he loves (I'm on maternity leave). So what next?! Surely a proposal? We have talked about it before but nothing every serious just light hearted chats but it never comes of anything I keep thinking surely now we are so settled and happy this would be a perfect time but it just never happens. He keeps asking what I want for Christmas but he knows I want to get engaged and I'd love it to be over Christmas but he just seems to have forgotten that. Anyway I'm rambling.. not really sure what the point of this post was I just wanted to rant!!

Haha I'm blonde myself. Maybe you should just lighten up LOL

Errrr how about no that's just internalised mysogynistic bullshit

This comes up so often, there ought to be a FAQ at the top of the page.

Q: Why won't he propose?
A: Why don't you?

It took my husband 11 years to propose....and when he finally did, I was walking downstairs when he said ‘we may as well get married then.’ Lol

In fairness we’d been together since we were 16, so we married at 28, which is a nice age.

My husband was a little awkward about the whole marriage thing and I think that partly, he was nervous. Also I don’t know how old you are (sorry if you’ve mentioned it in the thread), but wven though we had a home and a son and good jobs, we were busy enjoying ourselves!

If you don’t ask him, you could be waiting a while if he’s anything like my DH. As long as he makes you feel loved and wanted, perhaps you could broach the situation by just asking whether he thinks you’ll get married in the future and perhaps it would be nice to start planning for it?

Hello :)

If you won't propose because you're worried he will laugh or say no, why do you expect him not to feel the same way?

I had this dilemma myself a couple of months ago and came on here for advice. I ended up saying to him 'x date would be a nice date to get married...' and he said yes! He is till planning a proposal because he's romantic like that, but we sat down and had a big discussion about it. My view is you can't go proposing to anyone and expect a serious answer if you don't know what the terms of the proposal are.

So we have talked about our expectations, what we want and don't want etc. So when he does his big proposal, I know exactly what I'm saying yes to!

Just go for it. You don't have to make it grand, just ask him and discuss it. It's your life, it's something you want so it doesn't have to be a secret. You discussed having a baby and moving in together right? This is the 21st century, you don't have to wait.

Good luck!

Only he can answer that question. So one way or the other you are going to have to have a serious conversation with him were you put your position to him clearly and ask him to do the same. You will need to be specific about time frames and why that matters. Do not take vague answers like “one day” or “yes but not now”. Those are very probably no’s.

That being said, I’m not sure if this is a deal breaker for you or not. If he said, “no I don’t want to get married”, what would your response be ? Would you be ok with it or would you be devastated. If devastated would end things or accept his decision?

I can tell you why I don’t want to get married. Firstly it is a meaningless institution to me. I don’t get the romantic , spiritual or financial rationales. Secondly being married would create complications and risks that I don’t want to plough through. These are the same for DP and are basically commitments to our own dependents who have parents already. Finally I don’t want a wedding at all nor do I want to spend time planning a wedding. I have better things to do.

If I want DP to buy me a ring I would tell him and then pick it myself. I don’t like engagement rings. They are either too dull or too vulgar for my taste. Apologies to engagement ring wearers in advance, it’s just taste.

Hope that helps. But I would never mislead my DP on this matter or avoid the topic. That’s shitty not blonde.

So, you're on maternity leave living in (a house, someone's house) with a bloke you're not married to.... I think he is quite switched on actually, and it's you that needs to be careful. It's completely at his discretion whether he screws your over financially, or not. Good luck

Look...some of us guys just don't want to be married. Lots of us have seen the outcome of divorce on other men in terms of financial ruin, loss of home etc that we just don't want to take the risk. I'm a firm believer that couples should talk about this sort of thing when they decide they are in a serious relationship so as not to lead one another on. At that point if he doesn't and you do..you can decide if either of you is prepared to compromise or you split up. You cannot force him to marry you, that would be totally wrong and a horrible thing to do, he will resent you for it. You have to understand that your view (or the female perspective) is not the only one and that his views and fears are equally valid. Ultimately this is a decision for the two of you.

Have you got enough savings to spend on a engagement ring... Then a wedding. Think £20 grand is average nowadays, perhaps that's what putting him off if you're pregnant (expensive baby) and have got jobs to do in the home/new car etc...

I really don't understand if it is
so important to you, why you didn't wait for a proposal, get married and then find a place to live and have DC together in that order?

Especially if he is the higher earner.

If it's your house then I can understand why him not being on the deeds would be sensible.

It's all about whether you are going to be left high and dry with little income and the majority of childcare and domestic responsibilities on your shoulders should your relationship fail.

Marriage at least protects you in that it gives you a right to his assets.

Without that being unmarried and on a little to no income leaves you very vulnerable.

If he doesn't want to marry you he is keeping his options open to finding the One and preserving his assets.

I would never live with someone and have children with them without being married unless I was financially secure in my own right.

Sorry I didn't realise a person wasn't allowed to feel nervous about something

If that’s aimed at me then have another go at reading my post and stop making ridiculous excuses. Nowhere did I say you weren’t allowed to feel nervous, just that you’d overcome it if it were that important to you.

Do you honestly think that the people who propose only can do so because they aren’t nervous? It’s important so if vourse you’ll be nervous, I was when I proposed to my husband but I did it anyway. Bloody good job I did, my dh later said to me he wouldn’t have as he thought it was important to both of us that I did it. He was right and luckily as I’m all for equality I didn’t see it as his responsibility.

I wouldn’t want to marry someone who made blonde jokes. It’s dated and misogynistic.

Yes we have discussed it before but it's always been 'soon' for proposal and 'one day' for marriage. I did say recently I'd love to be proposed to at Christmas but he's so blonde and dopey he's probably forgotten just keep asking me if I want perfume or clothes ect lol

After three years and you carrying his child he knows you well enough to know whether he wants you to be his spouse or not OP.

There is an actual 0% chance he’s forgotten that you want to get engaged at xmas. Making excuses like ‘maybe he’s forgotten lol’ might soften the blow a little and allow you to kid yourself that it’s him being dim rather than him not wanting to marry you, but it’s cold and superficial comfort as you know deep down that he knows you want to marry.

If he wanted to propose he would. If he wanted you to be his wife he’d have an engagement ring on your finger and have married you.

He may want to eventually, you can decide if marriage is important enough for you to wait around and see, but as it stands right now the only reason he hasn’t proposed yet is because he doesn’t want to. How does that make you feel when you genuinely acknowledge that truth and sit with it? It’s easier to crack jokes but the reality is he knows you want to get engaged and marry and that you’re expecting/waiting on him to propose and he hasn’t.

Yeah guess you're all right he probably doesn't want to marry me lol

Men are always quick to marry the woman they put on a pedestal if they believe they are punchng above their weight.

If you have made everything easy for him: cook, clean, do his laundry, look after his dc, his house then he has taken you fror granted and no longer values you.

When he meets a woman who he falls head over heels for he'll be quick to propose. That's always the way.

Men like the chase and they don't like to be nagged or forced or pressurised into something they don't want to do.

I just like the idea of both weddings and marriage.. being joined together as one, having same last name ect. Just think it will complete us. And as you say ragingwhorebag I'm tired of being just someone's GF

It’s ibviously very important to you, and you’ve both spoken about it. So just say it this weekend. It doesn’t have to be a big proposal, just soemthing like “I really want to get married next year, shall we?” If he makes a joke out of it just say “no, I’m really serious, shall we get married next year?”

How rude. You can tell me to lighten up all you like, your comment is still offensive.

possibly old fashioned here but how can he not be ready for marriage but he's ready to be a father.
I honestly think you've slipped up having his child before getting married.
I sense that he's not committed to you. Not really... and he knows it.

“Sorry I didn't realise a person wasn't allowed to feel nervous”.

The time to feel nervous was before involving him so heavily in your DC’s life and having a DC with him.

Do you work full time? Earn more than your DP? Hope so!

Why would he marry you ? You’ve given him everything he wants.

And can the old-fashioned jokes about dim blondes. The world has moved on.

Oh OP I can see why you feel like this. I’m sure he does want to marry you, he lives with you & you have children together. That’s a huge commitment already, I think an honest conversation about wanting to be married soon (by say next summer) and that you would like a traditional proposal (it sounds like you do) would be a good option. He may just be happy to plod along not realising how important it is to you. Good luck!

I think you need to talk seriously to him about the future. Don't "propose". Don't wait for a proposal either. You have two children to think about, you need to protect your interests and theirs by having a proper chat about marriage.

I’ve seen how much of a minefield marriage is having seen male friends and family get well and truly shafted. I’ve had bad experiences myself and I said never, ever again. Nope. No thanks.

The idea he has ‘forgotten’ about your desire to get married is almost certainly nonsense. He knows. He just doesn’t want to. Perhaps he doesn’t much care for the institution of marriage. Maybe he has doubts about that kind of commitment to you.

First of all you need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker or not. Then have a discussion with him. Pick somewhere private and without distraction. Then have a blunt conversation with him. If he continues to be evasive and it is a dealbreaker then you need to tell him this relationship will not work for you.

Your mistake was not to state you wanted to be married before agreeing to dc and sticking to it. Why would he marry you now? You've given him everything and shown all your cards.

What you can do though is decide now what you want and how important marriage is to you. Would you break up over the issue?

How do you know I've given him everything he wants?

How's that an old fashioned joke it was just a passing comment. When did everyone get so easily offended in the world

What a cynical world we live in eh? Lol