Why won't he propose?!

[Alicerose93xx]

Okay so me and my partner have been together for nearly 3 years we have a pretty steady relationship, a few ups and downs but nothing major. We have two children together but the eldest is from a previous relationship of mine. They both love each other dearly and treat eachother like father and son as his other dad only picks and chooses when he sees him. Anyway so we have two beautiful children an amazing house and he has a great job which he loves (I'm on maternity leave). So what next?! Surely a proposal? We have talked about it before but nothing every serious just light hearted chats but it never comes of anything I keep thinking surely now we are so settled and happy this would be a perfect time but it just never happens. He keeps asking what I want for Christmas but he knows I want to get engaged and I'd love it to be over Christmas but he just seems to have forgotten that. Anyway I'm rambling.. not really sure what the point of this post was I just wanted to rant!!

What you have agreed to do is to provide your partner free childcare, free housekeeper services, free sex and so why would he want to change the status quo when he gets all that for free?

This is so sexist and weird. You view marriage as payment for sex?

**about not amount

Yes I know marriage is about that but is it not also about love aswell?!

So if it’s all about love op - what does that tell you about your DP and that he hasn’t proposed? I don’t mean that unkindly, just that it’s time to reflect on your relationship.

He might feel there are other less expensive ways to show his love for you than marriage. If it is important to you then you've got to be more open about it. Yes you are nervous but if he's a good sort like you say then the conversation will go fine after some initial surprise and awkwardness.

Why is marriage suddenly all about legal and financial stuff

Yes, of course it is about love as well but clearly your other half knows you wants to get married and won’t!
Posters are just pointing out that the reason could be about the legal or financial aspects of marriage!

If he knows you'd like to be married....he knows you love him....you're sure he loves you...then what's stopping him proposing?

He may just not actually want to get married. Or maybe not just yet. Some men (and women) like to be very financially secure before marriage and kids, but in your case the child is here.

Marriage isn't that important to everyone...he may be in that category.

Some people are okay with marriage...but it's the actual wedding they aren't keen on.

Maybe instead of a proposal...you just say something like... "what do think about getting married in 2020?" "That gives us enough time to plan and save etc"

Proposals and wedding don't have to be expensive someone put on here 20k.. I'd never spend more than 5k. It's the marriage I really want not a proposal or wedding. Just to make everything well and truely official. Mr and Mrs and all that shite

Because some guys take a lot of hints and stuff to get the message. We had one short conversation about it in June and I hinted about 2 months ago about getting engaged at Christmas and once (about a month ago) my son said about buying mummy a ring and I heard him say you never know what's just around the corner. But I don't really know how to take it. It's not like he's dismissed marriage all together it just hasn't happened YET.

Why is marriage suddenly all about legal and financial stuff. Maybe we want to get married because we love eachother?!

At the moment it would appear to be you who wants to get married, not necessarily we...

Marriage is fundamentally a legal contract and therefore about legal and financial stuff. The other aspects aren't an innate part of it, they're things some people add. Being married doesn't necessarily mean you're more committed or love each other more than a couple who aren't. Those things are a matter of opinion, but the legal and financial stuff isn't. That's why people are talking to you about that, not least because that may be the reason why he hasn't yet married you.

And this is why you need a proper discussion.

I remember years ago my mum talking about a poor girl she knew who waited 15 years for her boyfriend to propose. This would be before people would move in unmarried etc so she was still at home. Well she died... and the man made a fool of her by getting married very soon after.

None of his family are really married where as all of mine are. He hasn't been bought up around married people he said in that short conversation he would get married and he's happy to but at the same time it's not that important to him

Oh god this is so bloody frustrating!

Why’s should you put up with “not knowing what’s round the corner”?
You’re a grown woman whose had his child and we are in 2018!

Find a time when the dc aren’t around and you’re both in a good mood. Tell him you don’t want to live with not knowing what’s happening in your life. Tell him you really want to get married, that you don’t want a big, expensive wedding, that you want to marry anf as you’ve posted you want to “make everything well and truely official. Mr and Mrs and all that shite“

Find out what his intentions are and come away with a solid idea of what the heck’s going you happen in your life.

#seethis, "mainly because when it comes to divorce we often get completely shafted by the courts financially and in terms of custody"

This is a myth, women ARE worst off after divorce snd men are financially better off. Studies have shown this.
In divorce the assets split is usually 50% which recognises the partnership in marriage. Residence of children depends on status quo of childcare (mostly) at tge point of separation, which is on the children's interests so they don't suffer too much upheaval.

So if a married man has done 50% of childcare to enable his wide to have a fulltime career the courts would look for equity.

It is only where a man has relied on his wife for childcare/domesic duties so he can pursue earnings will he be asked ro contribute to the wife's earnings whilst she rebuilds a career.
If you hear of a man claiming he was '
"fleeced" question it very,very hard as it's extremely unlikely he has given up more than 50% of total assets. Also ask for what the ex wife is actually living on - relative to the man..
I hear of men saying "ex wife got everything and lives in luxury" when in reality it was completely fair split of assets and the ex wife lives on basic cms plus benefits.

Op, you are choosing to be offended however the posters are trying to offer advice. You partner is in a strong position as all you are entitled to without marriage is approx 10% of his net income per month to support the child.

Would that enough to house, feed and clothe the child you have together?

OP just a thought as i had a friend who went through similar. Perhaps he does want to propose but wants to make it a surprise? My friend's OH was desperate to propose but he wanted it to be special and not dictated and formal. He could very well be planning to propose at Christmas but wants to throw you off the scent?

Leeroar - that is what I'm hoping for!

You need to have a sensible discussion. If you want, leave it until after Christmas, see if your hints etc work in the meantime.

If not, then in January talk to him about your joint future and about getting married, get some solid answers from him, instead of leaving the power with him.

People talk a lot about what happens if you were to split, but I always think - what would happen if he died unexpectedly? It does happen, car crashes and sudden illness, etc. Where would you be unmarried, if the worst happened? It's things like, if you have a joint account, you'd only be entitled to use half the funds in it until his estate was settled, whereas married you'd have full access. What's in place for you and your dc if the worst were to happen?

Very sensible advice category! Will also talk to him in January about what you said.. if he died ect. Thanks!

OP how will you feel if he doesn't propose over Christmas? I'd find it hard not to let my disappointment bleed into the celebrations and into my relationship. I'm not sure I'd bother waiting for the 'romantic proposal', an honest conversation will let you know where you stand and you can make decisions from there.

Good idea OP. Give him until the end of the Christmas proposal season if you must, but after that you need a proper discussion. If he doesn't want to get married and soon, there needs to be a visit to the solicitors in the very near future.

I’ve witnessed this situation a few times & quite often the man is aware that the woman wants a big expensive wedding that they can’t really afford. Therefore no proposal. I’m not saying that this is true every time though!
Why not just ask him if he wants to elope & get married with just you & the kids there?