Bf doesn't really want baby?

[JLS080498]

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. He has a stable career and job. He's never really seen himself as someone who would have a baby young, he always said that he wanted to start a family at 30.we are almost 21 and 22(him being 22) and he knows I've wanted a baby for a while now, so he's agreed that in the new year we can start trying. But I think he's only doing it because he knows it's what I want, and it's not what he really wants. Whenever I mention anything about a baby his whole vibe changes, I just don't want to have one with him if he doesn't really want one. I need some advice. I have depression and he thinks it'll help me stay on track, so I think he's just doing it to help me, which is lovely of him, but I don't want it like that. I want him to really want it, and for him to be excited about it. He said he'll never be excited about it, he said it'll just always be anxiety and stress. Help?!

It does sounds as if he's just not ready, which quite honestly at 22 is entirely normal. How long have you been together? You are both young, and having a baby is huge commitment that changes everything; you can't do it unless he's 100% on board.

A baby is not a plaster to fix what else is missing

You're still young, at 20, you have 20+ years to have children, wait til you and your partner are ready

I see you say "he has a good job" what about you? Do you have a good job?

Why the hurry? You've got another 20years to have babies. Enjoy your time together, travel, have holidays, go out and enjoy yourselves. You've only just left school yourselves and there's more to life than reproducing! He doesn't want to be a dad yet! Be told!
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What medical help are you getting for your depression?. A baby will not as he says keep you on track at all.

He does not want a child yet and he has already stated he wants to start a family when he is somewhat older. I think he has only agreed to start trying in the new year because its what you want. Its a bad idea all round, a child should not be brought into the world in such circumstances. Its not fair on the child.

To be honest I'm not sure having a baby will help keep you on track? If anything it could do the opposite!
Have a think about what you really want, I know I sound patronising, but I'm only a couple of years older than you and I've been broody for years, but this really is the first year I've been in a position to have a baby! You still have time, you don't need to rush into anything. I've been depressed, and although I'm a lot better now (thanks to counselling, medication and a complete lifestyle change!) with pregnancy hormones I'm really struggling to maintain an even keel. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to be pregnant while I was still in the depths of it!
Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear!

Wow, I understand you want a baby, but honestly listen to what he is telling you. A baby is massive hard work, if you really really want one. It’s hardly fair to put that expectation on someone who is a bit meh about the whole thing, and not fair on the baby. Honestly I think you should wait if you want a baby with him and reevaluate when you are about 25. If he still doesn’t want one then you still have plenty of time left to meet someone new.
Hownstjy havjng a baby is so rewarding but the hardest thing you will ever do. You need someone who you can unflinchingly ask support from, and not feel guilty. If you know his heart isn’t in it, then you will end up doing more yourself and feeling resentful. Or he will resent you and the baby.

Also something to consider, depression can worsen with the emotions around a baby. It’s all so intense and won’t make magically feel better. The post natal feelings will be something extra to manage On top of your depression.

Also you say he has a good job. But are you expecting him to then support you and the baby. Or do you also have an excellent job with good maternity benefits. How will you support your self if the relationship breaks down? Do you plan to go back to work or will you expect him to pay for everything. Not unreasonable of having a baby if a joint decision, but a lot to expect of a 22 year old who doesn’t really want a baby.

Maybe get a dog, unconditional love, fresh air, exercise.

Have you really thought about what it would be like to have a baby? I don't want to start a marriage debate but it's definitely worth looking into what rights you have and would have if you two split up leaving you holding the hypothetical baby.

You cannot bring a baby into the world that one parent doesnt want and is doing it to help the other and you cant see a baby as a fix all

Yeah i would wait, he sounds lovely that he would do that for you but if you know he's not ready then be lovely back and wait a bit, you're both really young still

I don’t think you should plan a baby if one parent isn’t ready. I’d also try your best to get well before getting pregnant. I know with depression it isn’t as easy as that but you’re young with all the time in the world to start a family. I would spend some time on you before you have to focus on someone else.

You've answered your own question op in your post. He doesn't want one till around 30 and he is just going to give it to you for the sake of it in the new year.

It sounds like he's not ready and you're both very young so there's no need to rush.

Having a baby won't help with depression. The extra hormones, lack of sleep and physical discomfort puts extra strains on the mother and the relationship with the father in my experience.

For those asking if I have a stable job, I do beauty and can work from home, so I would. Be able to work throughout the pregnancy and when the baby is here. I'm not putting pressure on him to have one, he came out and it was his idea, but because I know him so well I also know that his career is important to him. And he never planned to have a baby this young. I don't know what changed his mind, that's why I'm so cautious of it, I don't want him to delve into something he's not ready for. We've been together over 3 years and have been living alone for over a year in our own place.

I love your enthusiasm OP but you can’t work and look after a baby at the same time.

Having a baby is the biggest challenge to any relationship and negatively effects many women’s mental health. Even if your relationship was Perfect and you both wanted a baby I would not recommend it until you get your mental health in a good state.

It seems you're putting everything into this from a very young age.

Do you have your own life wife friends outside of the boyfriend? Do you have any qualifications? Diploma? Degree?

It just seems like it might be wise to get out and live a little before being tied down with a marriage and babies. Like getting an education and seeing a bit of the world.

I think you're crackers! There's so much fun to have with travelling and new experiences in your 20's.

Don't rush through life (kids are great but theyre also a massive tie and half the stuff you have to do is mind numbingly boring and repetitive)

It's actually more than half

I don't know what changed his mind, that's why I'm so cautious of it, I don't want him to delve into something he's not ready for.

Well then you two really need to sit down and have a really honest discussion, it's probably the biggest most life changing decision you will ever make

If you have depression then a baby will not be the answer.
It could easily make it worse with pre-natal and post-natal depression.
At 21, you should be living life.
Don't tie yourself down with a baby.
Get out there. Take up a fun hobby. Do things together. Travel.
Then.... you can think about babies.
There is nothing wrong at all with having a baby at 21/22.
But if you aren't BOTH ready then I'd suggest waiting a while.

He's trying to please you. It's likely to just break you apart to be frank because it's not a joint decision

Wait a few years there's no hurry! Re working when you have a baby, you won't be able to work if you have the baby at home with you, they're too demanding and anyone paying for beauty won't tolerate you spending time sorting your baby out whilst you're working.
If you'll work at night and your boyfriend looks after the baby then, you'll both tire of this quickly - you'll need to buy child care or if you're lucky enough to have family who will help you'll manage that way ... as long as it works out.
Full time child care can cost around 800-1k per month, sometimes more, per child depending on where you live

Having a baby is a bit like a lottery. You really don't know what kind of child you'll have and you have to be in a position to deal with that. Even a healthy, "normal" baby puts a massive strain on a relationship and your life/freedom basically ends for a while. 22/23 is still so young and very few relationships last from this age for life because it's such a time of change for everyone. That's without the pressure of a baby and being dependent on one income for a while.

I'd say have some fun and get life experiences or travelling or study under your belt first.

For those asking, I have qualifications up to level 3, IT, Law, Business and photography. My partner and I have never been ones for going out really either. We do love travelling but have always agreed that having a baby wouldn't stop us from doing this aswell. I've had an in depth conversation with him and he said he's just a stressed person and likes to preplan things, hence why he said we can start trying in March. I just don't want to get pregnant and for him to regret anything, 2hich he's assured me he won't, but I still worry. I think we will just take the time between now and March to just prepare ourselves for if we want to start trying, but if not then we will wait. I'm happy to wait, purely for him. But personally I'd love nothing more than to have a baby with the love of my life. I think I'll just see how things feel closer to the time.

I think it's great that you're giving this a lot of thought OP. I do agree with others though, that it could worsen your depression rather than help in any way. Hormones are little bastards and with the stresses and strains that come with a baby, as well as potential PND, you could end up becoming very ill. You and your BF are so young I'd recommend giving it a few more years to build up your careers (and your savings) and enjoy life a bit before you're tied down with children. It has to be what you BOTH truly want.

*I do beauty and can work from home, so I would. Be able to work throughout the pregnancy and when the baby is here."

This made me smile. I was lucky with my first DD that she slept all the time, but my second DD would only nap for 10 minutes and then 'ping' wide awake and demanding attention again. If you get one like that then trying to provide uninterrupted beauty services would prove a huge challenge.

This is going to seem rude and I’m sorry but you just don’t sound very mature. Are you sure you both want a baby right now?

You seem really naive.

A baby will most likely not help your depression. It will impact on how much you can work or he can work.

It will impact travelling.

Your life changes completely and it's not all good ways.

You know he doesn't want a baby yet. You know he is only doing this because he thinks it's what you want. It's a recipe for potential disaster.

You're right, that is very rude. I came on here asking for people's general opinions. I've worked full time since the age of 17, whilst doing qualifications on the side. I live no where near any relatives and I support myself. I don't have to justify my life to a load of strangers quite frankly. My partner and I suffered a miscarriage when we were very early on in our relationship. This is what has caused my depression. I've always worked, I have my own house, a very lovely boyfriend, supportive family, very good finances as well, I'm just trying to figure out if my boyfriend is truly ready. Maybe I'll go to a less judgmental forum.