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Original poster

Bf doesn't really want baby?

83 replies

JLS080498 · 22/11/2018 10:23

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. He has a stable career and job. He's never really seen himself as someone who would have a baby young, he always said that he wanted to start a family at 30.we are almost 21 and 22(him being 22) and he knows I've wanted a baby for a while now, so he's agreed that in the new year we can start trying. But I think he's only doing it because he knows it's what I want, and it's not what he really wants. Whenever I mention anything about a baby his whole vibe changes, I just don't want to have one with him if he doesn't really want one. I need some advice. I have depression and he thinks it'll help me stay on track, so I think he's just doing it to help me, which is lovely of him, but I don't want it like that. I want him to really want it, and for him to be excited about it. He said he'll never be excited about it, he said it'll just always be anxiety and stress. Help?!

OP posts:
Original poster
JLS080498 · 22/11/2018 11:46

You're right, that is very rude. I came on here asking for people's general opinions. I've worked full time since the age of 17, whilst doing qualifications on the side. I live no where near any relatives and I support myself. I don't have to justify my life to a load of strangers quite frankly. My partner and I suffered a miscarriage when we were very early on in our relationship. This is what has caused my depression. I've always worked, I have my own house, a very lovely boyfriend, supportive family, very good finances as well, I'm just trying to figure out if my boyfriend is truly ready. Maybe I'll go to a less judgmental forum.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 22/11/2018 11:48

Why ask for opinions when you don't want to hear them? No one was being nasty, just trying to give some advice and answer your question.

Original poster
JLS080498 · 22/11/2018 11:48

You're right, that is very rude. I came on here asking for people's general opinions. I've worked full time since the age of 17, whilst doing qualifications on the side. I live no where near any relatives and I support myself. I don't have to justify my life to a load of strangers quite frankly. My partner and I suffered a miscarriage when we were very early on in our relationship. This is what has caused my depression. I've always worked, I have my own house, a very lovely boyfriend, supportive family, very good finances as well, I'm just trying to figure out if my boyfriend is truly ready. Maybe I'll go to a less judgmental forum.

OP posts:
Amara123 · 22/11/2018 11:49

To be honest even traveling to the supermarket is an ordeal with my newborn at the moment. Please take a couple of years and have fun before a baby arrives. Also pnd is no joke, so make sure you are as well as you can be before pregnancy as hormones are likely to make it worse. You will still be a young mum in your mid twenties...

Original poster
JLS080498 · 22/11/2018 11:50

I wouldn't say people are being very respectful. Calling me naive and basically saying I'm too young, I don't understand the responsibility of a baby. But I do, and that's why I'm putting so much thought into it.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 22/11/2018 11:54

What sort of responses were you hoping for? 20 is very young these days and having a baby really limits what you can do for a while in a way that's hard for anyone (of any age) to really imagine.

You have plenty of time to work on yourself and your relationship before rushing into having a baby with someone uncertain.

ElideLochan · 22/11/2018 12:07

We do love travelling but have always agreed that having a baby wouldn't stop us from doing this aswell.

Sorry, but this just made me laugh, everyone thinks this, and that having a baby is like an accessory that will fit in with you

I'm a (holiday type) traveller (not a Romany style) and I have 2 dc, it's a lot harder to travel with babies/dc

monkey1978 · 22/11/2018 12:14

I think people are saying you don't understand the responsibility because you were saying you can just do beauty work with the baby at home, but as many mums discover it isn't always that easy and yes it is a bit naive to think so.
I can understand your desire for baby and if your financially able to without having to take a bit of maternity leave then just go for it!

Notacluewhatthisis · 22/11/2018 12:15

I don't understand the responsibility of a baby. But I do, and that's why I'm putting so much thought into it

Honestly. You really don't. Because non if us do until we have one. You can't prepare for it completely.

A baby will not fix depression, even if that came in after a miscarriage.

I am Sorry you find rude to call you naive. But when you are older you will realise you are. Most if us were at that age. It's not a bad thing or unusual. But it's true.

BishBoshBashBop · 22/11/2018 12:18

I wouldn't say people are being very respectful

Not sure what you posted for tbh. Your posts are naive.

explodingkitten · 22/11/2018 12:28

I wouldn't say people are being very respectful. Calling me naive and basically saying I'm too young, I don't understand the responsibility of a baby. But I do, and that's why I'm putting so much thought into it.

But some of your answers are naive. It's good that you are thinking about it but you're plain wrong on thinking how easy it will be re: work and travel. That makes people wonder if you're naive about other things as well. There's no point in just saying that you're not naive, my four year old nephew tells me that as well. Nobody ever believes that they're naive. It's the more experienced people who can see that. Maybe you should take the comments seriously. Which is what a non- naive person would do actually.

I'm not a fan of becoming a parent under the age of 25, not because I have a very good reason for it but because every woman that I know that had children young regretted it sooner or later in life (not the kids, but the timing).

It's still your decision though, not ours.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/11/2018 12:31

I do not think you understand. Which is normal, you can't fully understand before you actually have a baby.
So you do beauty and work from home, so you think you can do it when baby is here? I don't know what beauty you do, but if it involves seeing clients, then no you cannot do it and take care of a baby or toddler at the same time. Or will your home based beauty business earn enough to cover childcare cost?

But to answer the question, yes it does sound like he does not really want a baby. Which is normal, most 22-year olds do not want one. Many people change their mind about it when they're a bit older. As babies/children are HARD work, it is not something you use to patch up issues.

BertramKibbler · 22/11/2018 12:45

Naive is a better word than the immature I used.

SandyY2K · 22/11/2018 12:50

you have 20+ years to have children

I wish people would stop saying this ^_^^

women are most fertile before the age of 30. after 30, women's fertility starts to decrease. after 35 fertility declines more significantly. by 40, a woman's fertility is about half the level it was before she was 30.

Prettyvase · 22/11/2018 13:07

Put the baby first for a minute.

Would it be fair on the baby to have as parents, in your own words:

one who is and has been for a long time;

and the other ( in your own words) stressed out and not wanting to be a parent for a long time? ( 30s).

I think your bf sounds mature and sensible and if you want the best for your baby then listen to him.

Prettyvase · 22/11/2018 13:07
  • depressed
forumdonkey · 22/11/2018 13:19

I agree with PP you are very naive. Babies and children are hard work, they will more than likely deprive you of sleep, additional financial burdens and making working difficult, with child care, especially as you haven't got close family support.

If you already suffer depression, it may make it worse. You are still very young and I don't know what your rush is.

HeresMeh · 22/11/2018 13:22

At 31yrs old and a week overdue currently, I can categorically state NOBODY can be 'prepared' and understand the full extent of being pregnant and preparing for the arrival of a baby until they are in the situation!

I don't think saying you're being naive is rude, it's just honest 🤷🏻‍♀️

MessyBun247 · 22/11/2018 13:24

Why do you want a baby OP?
I’m not being goady, just genuinely wondering.

Cawfee · 22/11/2018 13:44

There’s nothing wrong with wanting kids. You can obviously support yourself so why not. However, maybe you need to find somebody who feels the same as you? You shouldn’t push your BF into it. You’ll end up breaking up and you’d best be ready to be a single mum.

Quartz2208 · 22/11/2018 13:44

He isnt truly ready though OP and you know that

mindutopia · 22/11/2018 13:48

Having a baby will absolutely stop you from traveling (unless your idea of traveling is downing your third coffee of the day and sitting in a playground) and you will not be able to work without childcare. My dh and I are both self employed and balancing children and work is hard. Full time childcare costs us £900 a month, which nearly half my salary. We didn’t have children til our 30s and it was still hard as hell. The only thing that made it manageable was that we had our 20s to be selfish and focus on ourselves and have fun and do what we wanted. Give it time and see how you feel in a few years. If it’s meant to be, it will be even better then.

PookieDo · 22/11/2018 13:50

I got pregnant at 20 and was 21 when I gave birth
I had a good job and a house and car and a partner
But I was too young. Really I was. I had no friends around me as no one else had a baby and I got depressed. Working was much harder than I thought it would be. The financial pressure on us as a young couple was very demoralising and depressing. I don’t regret my children but I wasn’t mature enough and not ready. I ruined my potientiql career and ended up cleaning in a hospital. If I had my time again I would have thousands saved up in the bank, a small mortgage, a wide circle of dependable trust worthy friends, a career I knew I could fall back into and basically more resources and more resilience as a person. Babies test you to the limit you will never know until you are in it

safetyfreak · 22/11/2018 13:52

Your replies tell me that you are extremely naive and deluded to how much your life changes when you have a baby.

I was 22 when I had my DD, was it too young? YES. I had no idea my life would turn upside down. I also realized how young I was, so young and I had so much time to have babies when I was bit older.

I never cared about clubbing either and did not travel. But that is not the point, using that as a reason to have a baby is frankly laughable.

I am now 29, I will likely have another child in my early 30s so I am basically going through it all again 10 years later! If I waited, I would had my kids all the same age range.

It's unlikely you will listen to us as your mind already made up but having a baby with a man who is meh bout it. Bad idea.

ElideLochan · 22/11/2018 13:53

you have 20+ years to have children

I wish people would stop saying this

women are most fertile before the age of 30. after 30, women's fertility starts to decrease. after 35 fertility declines more significantly. by 40, a woman's fertility is about half the level it was before she was 30.

But she can still have babies, and have babies past the age of 40