Bf doesn't really want baby?

[JLS080498]

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. He has a stable career and job. He's never really seen himself as someone who would have a baby young, he always said that he wanted to start a family at 30.we are almost 21 and 22(him being 22) and he knows I've wanted a baby for a while now, so he's agreed that in the new year we can start trying. But I think he's only doing it because he knows it's what I want, and it's not what he really wants. Whenever I mention anything about a baby his whole vibe changes, I just don't want to have one with him if he doesn't really want one. I need some advice. I have depression and he thinks it'll help me stay on track, so I think he's just doing it to help me, which is lovely of him, but I don't want it like that. I want him to really want it, and for him to be excited about it. He said he'll never be excited about it, he said it'll just always be anxiety and stress. Help?!

As somebody who had a baby myself at 22, I would advise you to wait. I am a completely different person now than I was at that age and I am no longer with my son's father. Relationships in your early 20s are likely to change. Yes, some do last but the majority don't.

Very sorry for your loss OP, but I don't think calling you naive is necessarily rude. People are being supportive and realistic. You clearly know he's not really wanting a baby right now from his behaviour, you've said as much. If you're happy to wait I would do so, because justifying how you might fit it all in and make it work is irrelevant really, he could come to resent the choice. Would you be happy to be a single mother if the choice to rush a baby backfired?
It's lovely that you've been together 3 years etc but that really is not that long in the grand scheme of life, and people do tend to change an awful lot in their 20's, and decide on different goals. I would enjoy my relationship and work on my emotional needs if I were you. Particularly the depression.
A lot of people here who have been through it and have babies are saying it's not as simple as you think and they're right, it's not a slur on you to point that out.

You do need to accept that having a baby will not reduce or treat your depression. And will likely make life far far harder and more draining. Your DP is only going along with the plan to try because he has been led to believe that you'll feel better if you have one. If you love him, don't put him in that position. I suggest you both visit your GP and ask for how to manage your depression instead, you have many options available to you to try and improve the way you feel,counselling, CBT, medication- getting pregnant is not one.

A baby isn't just a baby though it's a new life dependent on its parent for absolutely everything
It's a toddler fighting sleep for years on end never giving It's parent a moment alone
It's a child in school with learning difficulties struggling to get appropriate services
It's a young teen testing the boundaries and navigating emotional fallouts from one day to the next
It's an adult in name only stressing over exams A levels,university courses etc dependent still on its parent!
A baby is a lifelong commitment filled with worry tbh
I love my dc but my god do I worry
they certainly don't cure depression in anyway and they widen any cracks that as a person you can so easily fall into and lose yourself in

I'd hang on a bit until you are 26 or 27 ish before having a baby. Do some travelling to some far flung destinations and save a few thousand in the bank. Also, are you getting married? Just something to consider, it gives you financial protection over shared assets if things dont work out and you split up. P.s. having a baby isn't a fix for depression. In fact the sleep deprivation alone may exasperate it.

Do you have a full time job or do part time beauty?

You say you have a house, is that owned or rented? I’m surprised your finances are ‘good’ at such a young age and will be impressed if you’re on the type of salary to support a child and in a secure home already.

Even if those things were the case, your boyfriend doesn’t want one yet so that pretty much rules it out. But there’s a reason most late teens/early twenties people don’t have children. It’s extremely difficult to be in a position to support a child financially, in secure housing, with a stable long term relationship with someone who also wants kids young, with a solid and decent paid career. Do you think you meet all of those criteria?

I wouldn't say people are being very respectful. Calling me naive and basically saying I'm too young

Perhaps they're projecting. Maybe like me they're old enough to look back on their early twenties and realise they knew little when they thought they knew everything. I did all the working and living alone stuff too but I'd have not trusted my 20 y.o self with a log in a field let alone a baby.

Why don't you at least get married first if you do want to try for a baby? If nothing else, it will at least show you how committed your partner is to the future with you.

Unmarried and pregnant at 22 with a partner who doesn't really want a baby yet is a disaster waiting to happen - for you. Sorry to be harsh.

Wait a while. Me and DH had our older DD when we were almost 30, DD2 2 yrs later. I’m so glad looking back that we had quite a few years before to do fun and frivolous things, spend our money on crap and basically have a blast because once you have kids a lot of that stuff goes out the window. Just cool your heels for a few years and enjoy travelling, buying fancy shoes and nice dinners. You won’t regret the waiting.

What's the phrase when they say that if someone is saying something then listen?

Your bf is telling you that he doesn't want a baby but would be "allowing" it to make you happy. Can you imagine the first problem you face as parents and being reminded of that?
The resentment will show its face, sooner or later and I would be surprised if the relationship lasted.

You may think these replies are rude etc but every person who has commented is a parent which means we know the realities of having a baby. It's the hardest job in the world and tests the strongest relationships.

What is the rush?

Suggest to your boyfriend that you put the baby plans on hold for five years, and focus on your careers and travel, etc instead. His reaction to that will make his position crystal clear. From what you've told us, I think he will be relieved. However if he is disappointed and tries to change your mind, maybe you both have baby fever and should go ahead!

Just remember that if you have a baby with a partner who is reluctant, your relationship could become very strained once the sleepless nights and relentless screaming and piles of pooey baby clothes and nappies begin. It's best if you both want it wholeheartedly.

I'm sorry but to everyone saying she has 20+ years to have a baby, no offence but how do you know?

Just because women are having babies later these days doesn't mean that people having babies younger should be shamed I'm 28 and have a 2 year old a new born and it exhausts me so god help anyone in their late 40s going through it all.

Realistically we shouldn't be telling young women to put off having babies!!!

@JLS080498 in your position I would deffo ask him if he's 100% sure, a baby can strain even the best relationship so going into having one for the sake of your partner wouldn't be ideal. I also don't think it would help your depression per day but I understand your thinking. At the end of the day you both need to think long and hard and decide what's best for you both!

@ElideLochan

It's not a given that women can conceive past 40... go to the fertility boards and see the struggle of older women.

If there is a medical issue..time isn't on their side to investigate.

22 is young...But I wouldn't say she has 22 plus years.

The truth about natural fertility and age: while women under 30 have about a 25% chance of getting pregnant naturally each cycle, that chance drops to 20% for women over 30, according to estimates by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. By 40, the chance of getting pregnant naturally each month is just 5%

I do think 10+ years would have been more sensible

You are young and more worryingly your boyfriend very clearly has expressed to you he is not ready to have a child and you are so headset you can't see it. I think you should speak to someone about your depression and try and find some other activities or ways to help your wellbeing before trying to fall pregnant. Wishing you well.

Sorry you are going through depression, it is horrible.

You sound like you are really thinking it through, which is great, and more than a lot of people! I don’t really think 22 is ‘too young’ if it is right for your family.

This comes from a place of kindness OP, but I found having a baby really, really hard. DH and I are early 30s, very comfortable financially and I am able to work part time. I still found it absolutely nuts, and it turned my world upside down.

I love it now (DD is 18 months), but I am very glad I had my 20s for ‘freedom’. Not partying or anything like that, just having time and space to myself (and DH, we’ve been together since we were 22) as we have none of that now. We could afford to travel the world, but realistically cannot - it wouldn’t be the sort of travelling I imagined, and would be no fun for DD. For now we go to Cornwall or a villa somewhere with grandparents! It’s lovely, but it’s not ‘travelling’.

You won’t be able to do your beauty work unless someone is looking after the baby. SIL is a beautician from home, and I often babysit my nephew so she can work.

I'm 28 and have a 2 year old a new born and it exhausts me so god help anyone in their late 40s going through it all.

From the other side of the coin, I'm 40 with an established career and high salary, and I find having kids bloody expensive. God help anyone trying to do that on a part-time home beauty business income..

@SandyY2K

It's not a given that women can conceive past 40... go to the fertility boards and see the struggle of older women.

If there is a medical issue..time isn't on their side to investigate.

22 is young...But I wouldn't say she has 22 plus years.

She's 20, nearly 21.
Its a fact that women can and do have babies in their 40s, it's just harder to get pregnant but you're not totally written off when you get past your 20s

I wouldn't say wait 20+ years but definitely until late 20s/early 30s.

Hi OP, I'm 21 now and had my baby last year. On paper me and my partner are made, our own house, DP has a job in a fairly niche area (he's the first of 12 to do this job). Good salary. I went back to work part time when my son was 6 months old in pharmaceuticals.
Having a baby is nothing like you'd expect, my son is actually easy and so happy to do whatever we're doing and has always slept. On paper it's perfect.

But it's bloody hard work. We're way too young to be parents, although we love and adore it. But it'll make or break you, you'll be tired even if your baby has slept, you mentioned you have no family close by, you'll be paying upwards of £600 on childcare to work part time in beauty. Unless you're very successful it's expensive. Buying a house is harder as you have a dependant. Your partner will be working full time, you want a couple of days off, these days are relentless with a little one and can get a bit monotonous. You'll want a lie in and won't be able to have one, even if DP gets up with the baby you'll hear them. Life becomes about your child and travelling is rubbish. Genuinely I can't give better advice than to wait!

Unanimous response OP. Whats the rush? Focus on yourself for a few years, doesn't have to be clubbing and travel, just what you enjoy, building your business having a life. Once you have a child they have to come first put yourself first for abit. 26/27 still a young mum.

A baby isn’t a sticking plaster for your depression and it’s a really unfair burden to place on the child. What if your partner decides when you’re pregnant that actually it isn’t what he wanted?

He doesn’t want a baby yet, so wait. There’s no rush. And you won’t be able to do work whilst having a baby without childcare. What if you get the clingy baby that doesn’t nap? How will you do someone’s nails then? Do you think clients are going to be accepting of you picking baby up and having to feed it? Because they won’t. You’re not being realistic. And babies grow up. Wait until you’re both ready.

If he's not ready, then don 't do it! Enjoy yourselves and re -evaluate in a few years.

Op, babies are expensive and hard work. Don't under estimate it, and it's easy to under estimate it when it's your first. Babies are full on, constantly and they do take over. Doing it with someone who wants a baby is hard enough, doing it with someone who doesn't it the road to hell.

Spend some time having fun. See the world, enjoy yourselves, and both of you make sure you're as mentally healthy and happy as can be.

Then think about kids. There is no rush, really there isn't.

I was an auntie at the age of 12 and now have 3 neices and nephews. Wont say too much but Im late 20s and my siblings are within 2 years up and down of me. I actually think having them early has a lot of perks! If I was able to have kids I honestly would have had them by now. Pregnancy in my 30s doesnt appeal to me. So I'm not coming at this from an age perspective.

But I would probably want to be married for financial and legal reasons before having children. And I wouldn't want to marry someone within about 5 years of a relationship (that's just me). Statistically the highest level of divorce is those who marry under 21. So it makes logical sense to wait a couple of years to give the relationship a real test. There are no guarantees but at this stage your relationship is (statistically) more likely to break down.

That aside, whatever your age, it seems an intuitively bad idea to try for a child whilst you are not in the best place psychologically, and whilst your boyfriend isn't really ready. And after only living together for a year. Perhaps review it when you have a better hold of your MH, when your boyfriend feels more ready (compromise? You don't necessarily have to wait until he's 30+), and ideally after you're married (I'm unmarried and wouldn't want to marry, it's not about being the "perfect family' or being traditional or "sin....just that it protects you financially if you are out of work for any time caring for 1+ kids). Realistically you may be in a much better position in 12-24 months, but time is on your side. Try to think about it as emotionally removed as possible. I've never been "broody" so it's difficult for me to understand, but try and push that aside as best you can (appreciate apparently this is very hard).

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Some of the advice on here is good though.

You have lots of people giving you advice based on their own experiences, and whilst that will not completely translate to your situation, they are trying to tell you things that are unanimous for pretty much everyone.

I had DS when I was 28. I still hadn't travelled nor had I gone out alot with DP. I wanted to go to festivals. I still do. I wanted to go on holiday with DP alot more. Do a few more hobbies etc. My singing has gone completely out the window and I can't even practice for half an hour an hour constant interruptions.

Don't get me wrong. DS has been the most amazing and precious addition to our lives. It's so much richer having him in it. However...

I couldn't workout for the first year. DS was very clingy and would cry whenever I went out of the room for more than 10 minutes so I couldn't concentrate.

He still does not sleep the night through at 18 months. I'm permanently exhausted. You know that feeling when you're a bit run down? It's like that constantly even if you have a good night sleep.

For the first year, I slept next to him and went to bed at 8pm, at the same time as him. So no social life really, no time with DP in the evenings.

He also had colic which made going out, just for a coffee, very stressful and unappealing. It's was emotionally draining to cope with. That was something we couldn't have predicted would happen.

I have no doubt you'd cope with a baby. You'd love it actually, I reckon (though I know not everyone enjoys it). My point is everything is so much harder when you do have one. There is no reason to rush this when you can have a few, or a couple of care free years where you can go to the toilet in peace, eat a hot meal and have a hot cup of tea (you will never appreciate these simple things more when you have one 😂).

It is ultimately your decision but why ignore what so many are saying? Why rush? Have fun a little bit more, live life a bit more and make some more memories 🤩