My boyfriend is addicted to porn, cyber sex and more

[sadandlonely1982]

Hi ladies,

I'm sitting here at 4am not knowing what to do next. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life and after finally breaking free from a 10 year physically and mentally abusive relationship I thought I had found the the one. My boyfriend has been loving, caring and kind to me for the 2 years we have been together. There's always been an issue in the background with him not always being able to maintain an erection all of the time but it worked most of the time and I loved him so much I just carried on. so I was shocked when I discovered he had been leaving distasteful comments under women's pics on FB like "nice ass" and "sexy" but I confronted him and he said sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Then I accidentally came across some strange text messages in his I watch - I googled the numbers and local escort sites appeared - again silly me believed him when he said he was just looking at it and did text them but nothing happened beyond that. Fast forward to today I am 30 weeks pregnant and around 1 month ago I saw emails that he was sending to online sex services where they send dirty pics and talk dirty to him and ask him to put in credit card details. We were going on a holiday/working trip for me to Colorado and he was asking these girls if they would do an incall to our hotel! (I was going to be working on some days in Colorado). This was unrealistic because none of the girls were based there but all the same it was devastating to see this and literally took all the breath out of my body. I confronted him and he tried to deny it at first but then when he could no longer deny it he admitted it and said sorry, that he has an issue but he loves me and doesn't want to do it anymore. He promised he would never do it again- I literally have been waking up crying in the night uncontrollably about this I was so hurt he convinced me to give him a chance and that he loves me and when we went to Colorado I tried to initiate sex because by now we have not had sex for 5 months and it's not because I don't want to. We used to have sex however it was never often after the first few months and I did always wonder why but I just thought he didn't have a high sex drive or it was because of the fact he can't always maintain an erection so just doesn't want it as much. Since being pregnant though He never initiates if I do he pulls away which is humiliating and then if he does try he fails so makes it worse. He has literally never gone near me since I said I was pregnant which breaks my heart. I don't show for months even now I'm tiny It just seems like an excuse. Anyhow back to the story. When we returned from Denver I went to the doctors with him and we got him tested and also got him signed up for a sexual counseller which he hasn't seen yet due to waiting list. The doc gave us viagra. We tried it once and it didn't work so we went back to get a stronger dose and now he is refusing to try it (I'm getting very pregnant now) I really wanted to please him and would of done anything he wanted sexually to stop him having to do all that as I find it Devastating.Today I found his entire google search history for the last year he is pretty much watching porn everyday and looking at escort sites and searching for dirty things online sometimes for hours at a time. He isn't working at the moment so whilst I'm out pregnant and earning money to keep the house going he is looking at this stuff morning noon and night. Im not sure if he has visited an escort in real life but it's a massive possibility based on the fact he texts them. He doesn't know I saw the google search history yet and is still being all lovey Dovey with me, it's unbelievable to me! Do I confront him or continue to see what he does online -do I leave and find a way to get through the rest of pregnancy and became a single mum or do I try to work it out, it going to be hard as he was going to be the full time carer for the baby whilst I go back to work. I going to be so lonely - I'm so lost and hurt 😔

I really feel for you OP. You will want a man around when you at your most vulnerable having had your baby. But he is just not going to be that man - he will more than likely just let you down further causing more stress and this time for you AND your baby.

What is your situation re your job / maternity pay/ childcare if he is not around?

@redastherose Thank you, going to do my best to stand my ground xx

@sadandlonely1982 That is exactly the same things my ex lodger said to me.He was more offended that I looked through his computer than the fact that I found him watching porn for hours a day and chatting up women telling them how rotten I was, that I was controlling and hacked into his pc. Oh and the few months unemployment turned into years. And I was a heartless bitch for making fun of his depression. They all read from the same book don't they. Thankfully didn't have a child with this man child. Him out of my life, things are much better.

So he did exactly as I predicted, sadandlonely1982.

I posted upthread that He's likely to lie, bluster, weep and try, in some way, to make this your doing.

These wasters really do operate to a predictable script.

Many congratulations on turfing him out. All you need to do now is make sure he actually leaves.

Sorry you're having to deal with this so late in your pregnancy, but you'll feel so much better without him dragging you down and making you doubt yourself.

@mooncuplanding I will have to pay for childminder/nursery- it will be tough but I do have a relatively well paid job so I should be ok. I only have 2 months maternity leave though so baby will be very young when I need to go back

I know its awful to face up to all of this on your own, but I don't see what choice you have?

2 months maternity sound short?

@Prawnofthepatriarchy yep exactly as you wrote it - textbook. Yes I need to make sure I follow through now. No doubt he will have some other tactics up his sleeve so need to keep focused x

@mooncuplanding yes really short (American company) your right I really have no other choice unless I want a life of misery

@redastherose thank you - yh if I look at like that of course he is going to try a few tactics before just letting go of his comforts xx

@pissedonatrain wow it sounds like that is the textbook get out clause when there is nothing else to say- what a pathetic come back I can't believe the audacity of these men x

@HollowTalk I have literally paid for the data for him to pleasure himself with other women while I work - it's disgusting so glad I posted here and got all of your feedback it's really opened my eyes x

@sadandlonely1982

It's Ok. They really are good at manipulating and making you feel sorry for them.

@sadandlonely1982 oh and another thing I realised is to stay away from broken birds, hard luck stories, etc. No grown up can be changed or fixed by love. Trained therapists have a difficult enough time helping people, let alone a partner. It's not our job to fix anyone and it's just not possible.

Well done for standing your ground! You're setting a great example for your child.

@pissedonatrain yes I realise I was trying to fix someone by breaking myself it was never going to work x

@Mrstobe90 thank you
❤️ x

Welldone op. So glad you can see through his bs.

@MarcieBluebell thank you - this is painful but the alternative is unthinkable x

Well done , give him a dead line or he will still be there in the new year. When you leave for work , take the cables for the box!
Telll him he has to the end of the w/e, go & stay with a friend for the w/e. So he can't do his Gollum act, & tell him the locks are being changed on Monday.
He will not leave otherwise IMHO

Don’t let him persuade you he’s just having the odd wank. His behaviour is way more extreme than that.

@Mix56 yes your right today is about making sure he understands I mean what I say and putting the deadline in place firmly. He is deffo going to try the puppy dog eyes, anger, minimisation and whatever other tactics again I'm sure so bracing myself for it all

@Thankyounext no way - I have seen it in black and white now there's no going back, the google history does not lie more like an all day everyday wank fest - I think I was in shock before now I just find it all repulsive

the simplest would be for him to move back with his parents, its not as though he has a job & geography is important.
tell him just to be gone,
He will give them all sorts of bullshit about why he has separated from the mother of his future baby, I would make it very clear that you are NOT going to be the victim & for him to bad moth you, you have proof & will explain it all clearly to his parents if necessary

@Mix56 unfortunately he didn't have the best parents and neither are an option for him to stay with. He did ask me last night where do I want him to go. I said it's not my problem but I have a feeling this is going to be a sticking point that he doesn't have anywhere immediate to just go to

well done OP make sure he goes this weekend, as the PP said he has no work commitments so he can move back to parents and get himself sorted from there. Don't let him waif to get a job to be able to afford to rent somewhere.

I was with someone like this for years and he never changed and he absolutely would be doing this while looking after your baby.