My boyfriend is addicted to porn, cyber sex and more

[sadandlonely1982]

Hi ladies,

I'm sitting here at 4am not knowing what to do next. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life and after finally breaking free from a 10 year physically and mentally abusive relationship I thought I had found the the one. My boyfriend has been loving, caring and kind to me for the 2 years we have been together. There's always been an issue in the background with him not always being able to maintain an erection all of the time but it worked most of the time and I loved him so much I just carried on. so I was shocked when I discovered he had been leaving distasteful comments under women's pics on FB like "nice ass" and "sexy" but I confronted him and he said sorry and he wouldn't do it again. Then I accidentally came across some strange text messages in his I watch - I googled the numbers and local escort sites appeared - again silly me believed him when he said he was just looking at it and did text them but nothing happened beyond that. Fast forward to today I am 30 weeks pregnant and around 1 month ago I saw emails that he was sending to online sex services where they send dirty pics and talk dirty to him and ask him to put in credit card details. We were going on a holiday/working trip for me to Colorado and he was asking these girls if they would do an incall to our hotel! (I was going to be working on some days in Colorado). This was unrealistic because none of the girls were based there but all the same it was devastating to see this and literally took all the breath out of my body. I confronted him and he tried to deny it at first but then when he could no longer deny it he admitted it and said sorry, that he has an issue but he loves me and doesn't want to do it anymore. He promised he would never do it again- I literally have been waking up crying in the night uncontrollably about this I was so hurt he convinced me to give him a chance and that he loves me and when we went to Colorado I tried to initiate sex because by now we have not had sex for 5 months and it's not because I don't want to. We used to have sex however it was never often after the first few months and I did always wonder why but I just thought he didn't have a high sex drive or it was because of the fact he can't always maintain an erection so just doesn't want it as much. Since being pregnant though He never initiates if I do he pulls away which is humiliating and then if he does try he fails so makes it worse. He has literally never gone near me since I said I was pregnant which breaks my heart. I don't show for months even now I'm tiny It just seems like an excuse. Anyhow back to the story. When we returned from Denver I went to the doctors with him and we got him tested and also got him signed up for a sexual counseller which he hasn't seen yet due to waiting list. The doc gave us viagra. We tried it once and it didn't work so we went back to get a stronger dose and now he is refusing to try it (I'm getting very pregnant now) I really wanted to please him and would of done anything he wanted sexually to stop him having to do all that as I find it Devastating.Today I found his entire google search history for the last year he is pretty much watching porn everyday and looking at escort sites and searching for dirty things online sometimes for hours at a time. He isn't working at the moment so whilst I'm out pregnant and earning money to keep the house going he is looking at this stuff morning noon and night. Im not sure if he has visited an escort in real life but it's a massive possibility based on the fact he texts them. He doesn't know I saw the google search history yet and is still being all lovey Dovey with me, it's unbelievable to me! Do I confront him or continue to see what he does online -do I leave and find a way to get through the rest of pregnancy and became a single mum or do I try to work it out, it going to be hard as he was going to be the full time carer for the baby whilst I go back to work. I going to be so lonely - I'm so lost and hurt 😔

If you stay with him and then break up after the baby is born, he could get custody if he's primary carer.
DUMP HIM!

He will say he'll change a million times but never will. Does he think you're fucking stupid?
Also you wouldn't want prostitutes around your child, do you? If you stay with him, that'll be what happens.

Set an example to your child to have some self respect and walk out of a bad relationship.

You deserve far better than this. Life as a single mother would be preferable, surely?

9 months is a really long time to be looking for a job if your pregnant girlfriend is working full time whilst you sit on your bum. I'm not convinced that he's putting in much effort OP. Surely he'd be trying to get any job to help financially during your mat leave? I think you know what you need to do. You sound like an intelligent, sensible woman that doesn't need to be carrying dead weight. You'll already have one baby to look after, you don't need a man child to.

He sounds really vile op. You know how wrong it is which is why you are crying at night. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt because regardless of how he is treating you, you could not trust him with your baby.

I'd be concerned that the baby wouldn't be safe near him.

He sounds awful, I don't know how you can bear to look at such a creep, let alone want to have sex with him.
And after all the poem stuff, you then say he's not even contributing financially. What sort of man sits on his backside literally wanking all day while his pregnant partner works fulltome?
I wouldn't want such a creep near my baby.
Is there any reason why you can't kick him out pronto?
He clearly doesn't respect you.

@DelphiniumBlue there's no reason I can't ask him to leave. Because of the situation and how personal and embarrassing it is I haven't spoken to anyone about until now and I think the comments here are well and truly dragging me out of my denial. I think I have been blaming myself, rapidly loosing self esteem and then thinking it's a problem I can fix somehow but I'm starting to get it now I've been used.

Yes, he's been using you. He won't get a job. He'll be primary career. You'll worry all the time you're at work that he's watching porn while supposedly caring for your baby. You won't be able to leave him because you'll be worried that he'd get resident parent status.
Leave him.

Oh op. So sorry to read this. I know a couple who had similar issues (no baby and DH very wealthy, financially supported wife so she could choose not to work)

It’s an addiction. Often stemming from issues in childhood. During periods of high stress, these guys go almost manic watching and apparently some who were just watchers do then engage in sex, weird sex. This guy also wasn’t having sex with his wife. Sporadic at the start of their marriage/dating to nonexistent But very affectionate, hand holding, kissing, cuddling. No sex though.

In every other way, he loved his wife, attentive, spend time together doing many things. They were married for over 10 years. Something happened with the wife (minor health issue that did get resolved) and other stress issues (purposefully keeping it high level here, just know it was a lot of stress) causing him lots of anxiety, he went in to a manic session of porn and seeing an escort (for very specific weird sex). He got found out, Also by internet history. Prior to this very stressful period, he may have looked only a couple of times a year st most. Then ramped up to multiple times a day during the tough time. He very much loved his wife, he says just not in that way. In order to try to save his marriage, He went to a specialist residential treatment facility for many weeks. Came out so remorseful, with a treatment plan, apologising to anyone he ever hurt but the hurt was too much, trust had been so broken, wife divorced him. I kept thinking of how she could put up with it for 10 years - but he was very loving and attentive, supported her financially(and helped out some relatives significantly too). He’s now back to his old ways (not in a manic manner). He doesn’t see it as an issue. He is of the thought that this addiction was separate from his wife/their relationship. That his wife is in the wrong. He just doesn't get it.

So only from knowing this couple (and I did discuss high level as in didn’t go into details of his porn, just discussed the why) I don’t think he will change. I think your DP is doing it more now because he is stressed and anxious (no job, baby on way), most likely feels guilty/anxious for how much he is doing it now so in a vicious circle BUT loves you (just not sexually) and likely wants to be happy families but just does not get it that what he is doing is wrong, it’s cheating, it’s denying you the whole love a couple experience AND if he is having sex, potentially putting you at risk (likely those feelings compounded now you’re carrying his baby).

It’s not a realistic way a couple can live. He’s cheating and denying you a whole loving relationship. Will he really be able to change?? Can you live with a relationship like that?

Also, just to caveat, I didn’t read your other thread. Will go look now.

Don't be embarrassed or shamed by his behaviour. His behaviour is his to own, and his alone. Is there someone you can talk to IRL to have more support? Ask him to leave pronto. Addicts won't suddenly change unless they are highly motivated to tackle their addiction and even then I wouldn't want him in the house near the baby until he could demonstrate he was 'clean'.

In no way has he been kind, loving, and caring in the past 2 years.

He's been and is being a lazy cocklodger who is a sex/porn addict.

There is nothing to fix here. Plus, you don't fix people. He's using you. If you let him sponge off you, he'll be home pretending to take care of a baby while spending hours wanking to porn and chatting with sex workers. Then when you finally get sick of it, he'll be the primary carer with YOU paying him.

You know what to do. Tell this using wankstain to leave and now. Please do the Freedom programme too.

@AdoreTheBeach thank you very much for taking the time to tell me this story it does seem very reminiscent of what is happening to me. He is loving and kind to me otherwise which is why I think I'm having a hard time letting go but I am already am emotional wreck- I just left the house for work and then checked the google history he has gone on to porn the second I left..

@blackcat86 I don't have family or many friends in my area but I'm going to confide in a friend today and start making plans to get him out.. thank you so much x

Do it OP. Saying it IRL will help and dispel the sigma for you. Good luck to you and baby. X

I used to have one of these.
It escalated to trying to get it on with every woman he knows.
And then being unfaithful.
The internet history was a massive shock for me too.
He's my Ex.
But I didn't have a baby on the way.
You cannot let this guy be primary carer.
You will be even more stuck.
Time to pack his stuff up and get him gone and then work on your plan to be a single parent.
It's soul destroying. Never let any man make you feel like this.
He's not worth it.
Start telling people. Make this real. This is NOT your shame.
It's all his. People will see that.
You can then get the RL support you need around you.

Sorry you're going through this. I have no experience but know on Mumsnet everyone always advises to document everything so you can prove his addiction during a divorce, but in your case I would document everything in case you ever want/need to restrict his contact with the baby.

@Weejo39 thank you I really appreciate hearing your story I think if I don't leave I will just be wasting more time x

@LurkNoFurther thank you your right I have been deluding myself that he is a good man because he is affectionate towards me

@lovelycuppateas thank you, again you are right this is not how love should be at all

@Thankyounext your right my subconscious cannot deny that this is disgusting and it hits me at night.

Why is he your boyfriend?

Sex addiction my arse. He does it because he is a misogynistic twat, and because he can. You can do better, and you deserve more than he is giving you. He is not a male role model to be around any kids, they do not deserve this excuse for a future father.

Fuck him off, before it’s too late.

It is not unusual to go from one abusive/ dysfunctional relationship into another abusive/ dysfunctional relationship, just a different type of abuse/ dysfunction.

Kick his arse out and focus on getting support. You’re going to be a mother very soon and you can’t keep hoping for the best, it’s time to get real and practical.

He’s spending more time and effort looking at porn than he is trying to find a way to contribute to your household with no signs of that changing. I’d act ASAP to put a stop to that because things will only get worse and more complicated the longer this goes on.

Send this pathetic 'man' and his floppy cock packing!!

That's what he does all day.....really? Sit in front of a screen cracking one off like a 15 year old or calling dial-a-hoe for a chat!??

And while you're working struggling and heavily pregnant??

Repulsive...

None of this is your fault, and no reflection on you whatsoever..... There is only one way this goes and there's worse still to come if you stay with this guy.

Bing a single parent can be tough at times but compared to the alternative here it's the best choice for you and your child.

You're about to be a mum so make sure you can enjoy that with peace of mind and when the times right someone who respects and deserves you.

You deserve so much more than this

💐💐